To worry about dying alone

My lovely godmother was found on her kitchen floor by the police, when the family could get no answer to the daily phone call. She appeared to have mistaken a heart attack for indigestion and had gone down for Rennie's, let the dog into the garden then died. Very sad and a shock for the family, but independent to the last in her lovely home and not hanging on miserably in care. I know which I would prefer.
On the other tack, about taking care, my very active friend and I, barely 60, are on our own during the day and comment that a simple fall on the stairs etc could be catastrophic. We tend to leave a door unlocked and carry phones.

Our local council fitted a community alarm to my inlaw's home. It had buttons you could push. My FIL's dementia was so bad, he ripped it out the wall the night it was installed as he couldn't stand the tiny flashing light! Obviously he had no memory of this. Once he died, we had it reinstated for my MIL. It also had a cord you wore around your neck - she refused to wear it! Then after she finally agreed to it would fall getting out of bed when she didn't have it on - in case it choked her. These systems work, if you use them right!
My parents have lived in their home for over 50 years and a few of the neighbours have keys to each other's homes - it works!

,Gagagranthats so very sad .my heart goes out to his family .loneliness can kill thats true .i can imagine how alone he felt

If you live alone it must be a worry, if your family is not nearby either. I haven't thought about to be honest, but we dont have that choice sadly.
If you have a good neighbour ask if they would have a key.
Maybe you could do it for them too.

Hello girls
great ideas !i know i must get used to living alone -its terrifying at night especially as i have health issues -going to put some of your ideas to use
thank you

lovebooks Reading your post I was taken back to the sad news we received when my DH's brother decided he had had enough. He lived alone in a remote area. He planned his exit carefully and sent a letter to the local police station to arrive the next day, saying what he planned and where the key was hidden for access to his property.

Then he killed himself. The police got his letter and came next day and found him together with a list of who to contact etc.

It was a shock for those of us left but he had made a difficult situation as easy as he could and we were grateful for that.

Just to say thank you to everyone on here and in PM's.
I am a tough old bird but appreciate all the very kind thoughts.

I do not want to frighten people but another reason why one should not leave keys in a door at night is that burglars can put a wire through the letter box and tease the key out of the lock and use it to enter the house.

Also place the keys where they could be reached especially if one is lying on the floor. I had left mine on the mantelpiece and having dislocated as well as broken my ankle, could not reach them and naturally I could not find anything long enough to swipe them on to the floor for ages.

When I did I managed to crawl towards the front door and popped the keys through the cat flap for the ambulance men, I would not have managed the letter box.

This has certainly turned out to be an emotive topic, with lots of useful ideas and options, several of which I for one, will certainly look into.
So many of us live alone now, it's something we all need to be aware of.
Annesixty: You are the kind of caring person anyone would consider a privilege to have as a friend.
A neighbour and my landlord do have spare keys to my house and I make sure the key is out of the door at night.
It seems I am not the only one with this fear, so hopefully some of the suggestions will help those who worry about getting ill or dying alone. Thank you once again

Every time we seem to be managing to pull away from the unfortunate aggro which interrupted this splendid thread someone brings it back again. Could we please try to honour Annsixty's wish to draw a line under it? It is otherwise a very informative and helpful topic. Thanks.

For someone who 'likes to be private' you managed to post extensively on your life Ruby .

I am sad that you felt it necessary to berate Ann publicly because she was concerned about you. I understand about missing calls but I presume you have a mobile phone ( the clue being in the name) , you could have simply sent a text back saying all ok.

I hope if ever I'm in that position someone cares enough to worry about me .

My mother in law had the alarms, but wouldn't wear the one round her neck as it hurt her skin.
One day she fell in the garden and wasn't found for over four hours because her neighbours were away and so was the son who used to phone her every day and do a crossword over the phone.
The next time her neighbours were away she decided to go in a home for respite, and never went back home again. She fell the first week in the care home and broke her hip.

My husband had one of the alarms fitted to the phone and with one to carry. He never had cause to use it as he was never alone, but the council took it away after he died. I didn't need it just being on my own, apparently.

A year after he died I had an aortic dissection, and had to crawl to the phone and ring 111. That was quite scary until I reached the phone. Fortunately I had already unlocked the front door for the ambulance men to get in. The operator talked to me all the time until she heard them arrive.
I hope that last bit is reassuring. It is possible to be independent and get help.

The only person I know who died in her sleep is my mother. She was in a care home. The nurse was talking to her at two or three in the morning. My mother went to sleep and when the nurse next went to see her at six, she had died. So even if you are in a home, it can happen that you die alone.

People have asked about the keysafe. My mother in her late 90's has one as it part of the carer agency system, provided by them, so girls (now a trusted mature lady) can come in with the key every day. My mother's hearing is not good ( refused to wear aids or have same checked) and always risk of fall getting to answer door. A neighbour also has a key. She also has the pendant system which links to the keysafe number. I think the ambulance service is one of key contacts.

I visit often and now worry about husband left alone as he is on warfarin. So I thought to get a keysafe for ourselves. I sourced online and it cost about £25. It is a small box that can be screwed to an outside wall in a discrete location eg behind a downpipe. It is opened using a push button code of 4 numbers. The number can be changed easily.

We keep ours in electric meter board and key to same is in the unlocked postbox. It does mean you can have someone visit the house if you are away eg if off on holiday and you think you have left something 'on'. I don't have many or good neighbours so might have to ring several to get available person.

My mother does not need a daily carer but it is back up to check all is well and do some small household chore to put in the time ( 30 minutes). Also it means she is in their 'system' should additional help be needed.

Yes I agree with earlier poster, prefer to be in house and own bed not hooked up in busy hospital ward. And be wary of bathroom accidents, wear a pendant even there, it should be waterproof and good to keep mobile handy. But I am guilty of not having same to hand never having pockets big enough. Land lines are fast becoming redundant.

MawB you have put it so well. ann I'm sorry you got that backlash. You have been so kind and caring. I can only thing ruby is feeling fed up and possibly depressed after her big operation, but her response was rather extreme. Conversations do wander and we do sometimes lose sight of the original title of a thread. Come on ruby that was a bit harsh to someone who has been such a friend to you. I hope you continue to get help with your recovery and wish you all the best.

sourcerer I'm not sure but wonder whether the call centre people who do the fob you wear round your neck to press to summon help, also do a morning call service.

Or as others have suggested, an arrangement with a friend to call or text.

Sadly my mother didn't wear or carry her fob. I had the key and only lived 5 minutes away .... Had spoken to her the previous tea time. When I woke next morning I guess I had some sixth sense, rushed round to hers and was so delighted the curtains were open. Only to find her laying freezing on the floor between the kitchen and living room (now her bedroom).
She was barely conscious, rang ambulance and the paramedic said "doesn't she have a fob". I was already in shock .... But showed it to her laying on the fireplace!

My mum also had daily carers ... Accidents happen & she must have stumbled in the kitchen but couldn't make it to the fob or the phone. A wonderful independent lady of 96 who passed away later that day in hospital. At least she wasn't alone at that moment .... My daughter had come up from Chichester, my nephew from London and me.

A happy ending now. She hadn't spoken since reaching hospital. A few hours later my DD walks in and says "Hello Grandma. It's me". My mother sat bolt upright in bed and said "Hannala" (Her pet name for DD), and layed down again. It was an amazing moment..

A great post by you sourcerer!

Some truly heartbreaking stories here. We are a tiny family but are pretty much all in touch with each other every single day . I would know within a few hours if my dad wasn't okay, likewise my sister who lives alone with her little dog. I would be happy to text, ring or drop in on anyone who wanted me to ( related, friends or not) .

I've lived alone since my husband died four years ago. I have creative work that I love - I'm lucky - but I'm also VERY old, and would like to leave the party at a time of my choosing, before all the distasteful crap that goes with ageing kicks in. I could go to Switzerland - I'm already a member of one of the clinics, and I can afford it - but there are emotional complications with that, so a DIY job might certainly be on my menu, but who would find me? Even more uncomfortably, who would I alert? Being seriously ill and alone hasn't happened to me yet, but I've come pretty close. Yes, I have friends, colleagues, family (my daughter and grandchildren live in Cornwall, but I live in London). I adored my husband, and wanted to leave the year I lost him, so did plenty of research, but dying alone is such a cold and miserable way to go, although once you'd left, you wouldn't be aware of that, or indeed, anything else! No one checks on me regularly. All scary to think about.

radicalnan I do have a wry smile if one of the DGC insists that we phone when we arrive somewhere after a journey - remembering how they used to backpack and not get in touch (pre-FB or mobile phone days).
"I told you I would be travelling up the Khyber up the coast etc for four weeks with no phones anywhere"

Thank you Radicalnan. Pretty profound and well thought out. I'm with your thought process but when I try to discuss it with offspring they won't listen. I must give this living (dying) alone matter more practical application and have certainly been stimulated by many constructive practices mentioned here. Thanks to everyone.

It is a concern and it is not always the very elderly that it can happen to. A friend died of a heart attack on his own - for a two days friends and relatives phoned and getting no response thought perhaps he had gone away for a couple of days without telling anyone, but in the end his son went over to check and found him.
There was also the extremely sad case recently of the young mother who died and her child was unable to alert anyone as he was mute. Both were found dead in the flat.

That sounds like a good idea grandMattie.

Very helpful thread. My first reaction was, if you die doesn't really matter, they will find you sooner or later. Then you mentioned animals and falling and being ill and that is very concerning. Lots of good ideas.

No act of kindness however small is ever wasted, so please do carry on being concerned for each other.

I live alone, miles from the children, I use a cupboard under the sink unit for the dog food / biscuits and am pretty sure that if I collapsed or died that the dog would freely avail himself of food until rescued. I keep dog food sachets as he has yet to master can opening. I wouldn't be on the missing list for long because within a day or so the kids would miss me on line, and once when the phone service in the village where I live went off for 6 weeks (what a joy that was) my youngest son did ask the police to check after a few days to see if I was OK. Pretty rich considering the way he used to go out for days at a time and tell me 'not to worry about him'.

I don't worry about dying alone, I rather look forward to that, the thought of being in hospital wired up to machines with everyone's else's visitors around and nurses loudly asking about my bowel movements is hideous. There is a shortage of side wards and staff.

I have yet to broach the subject with my kids but want to tell them not to sit with me while I die if they have the choice, I have done this with people, it is harrowing and I don't want them stuck there, eating over priced hospital canteen food and feeling they must say the right things.

I have been happily alone at times in my life and am perfectly willing to check out in the same way. When my mother died, the hospice nurse met me at the lift and said
'you just missed your mother dying' as if it were remiss of me or perhaps the final goal in a cup final. How I loathe those places.

I was interested in becoming a soul midwife but it was too much of a franchise for me, interesting concept commercialised beyond being acceptable, and all the annointing with sacred oil and Tibetan singing bowls put me off. However, if you need support they are available, at a cost of course.

Age Concern have a free call thingy in Kent. Don't know where you live, but it might be worth investigating.. And the company is lovely, they can call to remind you about your pills and so on. It is very useful for people living on their own.
At least, if you have a "pill call" the longest you would be on your own would be 24 hours.
All the best.

This is exactly my fear as I have a dog and 5 rescue cats. I live alone in an isolated area with nearest neighbour half a mile away. I am 82 and luckily still drive and am very active. However it's the unknown that may happen. This was brought home to me when my S-in-L unexpectedly died in her sleep and not found until one of son's visited the next day. I only have a D and GD but hardly ever see or hear from them.

I have never given this a thought on my own behalf; but I do make sure that there is a door open somewhere when I go out so that the emergency services can gain access if OH had need to contact them.

When I was a SW a scheme to phone vulnerable and elderly people each morning was abandoned as several people fell whilst trying to get to the phone!