To think women are more than just wives, mothers and grandmothers.

There has never been my intention to suggest our roles aes as simple and cut and dried as the OP suggests it that we are defined by anything other than ourselves, but look around - this is called GRANSNET and in the same way that MUMSNET uses the perspective common to the majority, so our perspective on life may inform others where a view is coming from.
And just to turn this on its head perhaps, is it wrong to take a pride in the nurturing of new life, in that continuation of the circle of life and the pivotal role played by wives and mothers in whatever culture?
Don’t knock it, cherish it.

Granny23 I'm so sorry to read just how difficult your life is.
I know it can feel like a thankless job you're doing with hardly any free time.
I think it's great you can grow your fruit and veg and must feel very rewarding when you can then cook with them.
I wish I had some wise words to say as I totally understand your frustration but all I can say is take each day at a time and grab any help should it come your way

Granny23, its very hard to keep hold of 'yourself' in those circumstances, I know. I haven't any advice I'm afraid, just wanted you to know others understand.

So sorry to read how difficult things are for you Granny23 . 5 hours a week of "your own time" is hardly any time at all really, so I can imagine where you want to tell them to stick their advice on how you should spend it !

Recognise this one Granny23, though it's in the past for me now.

Oh Granny23 how difficult for you. You are still all of the things you have been, the fact that you have been swamped and overwhelmed by the role of carer means they are just hidden for now. I hope you can find a way through and that things improve for you. If you are growing your own fruit and veg I am very impressed, the only thing I can grow is weeds. And I'm not a full time carer. I wish you an easier and happier future.

At particular times of our lives, we may identify with one role in particular. I wouldn't hate to think that being a woman has only been about my family, children, grandchildren, loved ones. I had a career I loved and sometimes felt I was in the wrong place all the time. Most women I know who combined work/a career with having a family found themselves stretched and feeling they weren't doing any of their 'jobs' as well as they wanted to.
I do feel that if my husband had died, I would identify most with my lot as a bereaved wife. That would dominate my thoughts and conversation.

I have filled many roles over my lifetime but like izzywizzy I am now defined by one word = carer. Although DH and I have been quizzed about his background and interests, (so that they can be encouraged and maintained) no one has shown the slightest interest in who and what I am. When I mentioned that our DD1 had been ill and I had been trying to help her with childcare, etc. I got two responses 1) that I must ensure that DH was shielded from any anxiety about his DD and 2) that I must not overstretch myself, already had a full time job caring for DH.

The advice given is to spend my down time - 1 day a week when DH has 5 hours of 'day care' - attending carers' groups for support and pampering myself with a hairdo or manicure. I spend this precious time doing all the jobs I cannot do with DH in tow - optician's/doctors/lawyers appointments, shopping, etc.

I really have no idea who I am anymore. I know what I am not - no longer a worker in a responsible job, a volunteer, a political activist, no longer a regular Grandchild minder nor much of a mother to my DDs, losing touch with my friends and neighbours by refusing every invitation. I remain a good cook and organic fruit and veg grower - that's about all of ME that is left.

Sorry - been a bad day today

Goodness yes, Eglantine21. That is appalling, not to mention nonsense.

I did take issue with Age Concerns Christmas campaign a number of years ago. The tag was "One is the saddest number." As I had spent all that year coming to terms with being "'One" instead of "Two" and striving to be positive and convince myself that life was still worth living I thought it was totally crass to tell me I was "sad".

Trisher, so agree with your last post, of course being a woman is more than being a mother. My sister is in her late 60s, a retired teacher who is a spinster. There is no one for her to care for but she had a fulfilling career and an active retirement.

Good point, Eglantine.
I'm inclined to think and feel the same way as Trisher about this. Perhaps the maternal instinct is stronger in some than in others.
Or some of us divert our maternal instinct to a wider scope.
(Without being judgemental as to which is best, or more natural.)

Oh yes and widows were once known as Relicts. Can you imagine calling someone a relict now?

Remember the label 'spinster'?

If it isn't then the implication is that those who don't have husband, children and grandchildren have nothing.

I can't mention another thread because it isn't allowed but being a woman is about more than marrying and having children I think. If you find something about that I haven't said anything!

I do think we come from a generation which tended to think that women could do 'a job' that would fit around family if they had one and that men could continue to pursue their careers.

I met up with old schoolfriends a few years ago and those who have achieved the heights in their careers have been the ones who did not have children and in a couple of cases did not marry either.

My energies were subsumed into child rearing and care of elderly parents, although I did work as well.

I'd like to be remembered as a good mum, good Nan, good friend, good daughter, good support worker. Not fabulous, necessarily, but good will do. And honest. That's why I haven't said fabulous!

I don’t really get what you mean trisher. Has someone undervalued you in some way?

Why can’t you be proud of everything you feel you’ve achieved? My biggest achievement without doubt happens to be seeing my children grow into well adjusted adults.

I felt privileged that I got to spend time with them in their formative years although my career suffered. But I later returned to work and was proud of myself when I got promoted etc

Personally I WOULD like to be remembered as being a good Mum more than anything else. Had I not had children I would be proud of other things am sure.

I’m with those of you that do feel that being a Mum, grandma and wife is probably the most important thing for me and certainly the years that I have given them all have been the best years of my life. I would like to think that they have all helped me to be the decent, caring, generous person that I want to be, and hope that I am. For me, work was nowhere near as important, and I could have done without it, but I could not do without my husband, children or grandchildren.

I would have been very happy to have been defined as a mother and grandmother.
Sadly I'm now defined as a carer to my elderly parents who both have Alzheimer's.

I would like to be remembered as being a decent, caring person. There are few people if any that will remember the young me in my own beloved career, as a young thing with drive and ambition, they are more likely to remember my later years and that is when I will have been a mother, grandmother, wife etc but if overall I have been kind, friendly, loving and attentive then so be it. Rather that than some horrible bitter woman who they are glad to see the back of.

I am struck by the fact that many Gransnetters have had much misfortune to deal with in their lives. Life is never fair.

I realise I have probably been fortunate, with both family and work, and I try not to take it for granted.

How others see us will vary depending on whether they are family, good friends or folk we encountered in other roles.

You can't please all of the people all of the time. You don't always get things right. Even if you try really hard in your work to avoid mistakes, bad stuff happens. It's not difficult to rub folk up the wrong way. We can only hope there are some folk who might just remember us fondly, or at least with a smile.

What I was widowed young I was subjected to a lot of “When are you going to find somebody else?” questions, mostly implied or hinted rather than direct. It was very annoying, and I felt rather insulting, as if I couldn't manage on my own. I had two young children who took up most of my energies, and I simply didn’t want the complications of a new relationship. I never did remarry, have got used to doing my own thing and not having to compromise. There are many advantages, believe me. I have lots of interests and an active mind (probably less active than it was!) and prefer being on my own most of the time. I have never regretted not marrying again. There is no need to conform to society’s expectations.

As a general rule we are remembered by people in the role they knew us in.

Our families remember us for our family role, daughter, wife, grandmother, sister, aunt etc. If you have hobbies outside the home you will be remembered for your sporting achievements/ needlework skills/ administrative work. Those who worked with you will remember you as a teacher/doctor/engineer. We do not have a choice by the time we are remembered we are dead anyway.