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Family issues

(23 Posts)
Tylermor1 Sun 14-Jan-18 19:08:54

This is my 1st post and I would like some advice as I feel so so upset so here goes . My youngest D lives 2 hrs away after meeting her H at uni and for the last 2 years she has been telling me she is coming back to live near us so that I would be around when she started a family . My eldest son started looking into emigrating to Australia and we used to joke one in one out .5 months ago this all changed my son emigrated which I was fine about but my D and SIL then said they weren't coming to live near me but staying up there to be near his family then 2 weeks later we where told we where going to be grandparents .What upsets me is they put there house up for sale and didn't even tell me when she normally tells me every thing the house sale fell through but they are actively looking again and I have tried to explain how I feel but I feel it's a case of oh it's only mum she will get over it and I can't say I how really feel especilially when she was 1st pregnant as I didn't want to upset her all I say is the house is in the wrong place . I cry most days and can't get the thoughts of I will not get to bond with my grandchild out of my head I know I am being selfish and there are worse things happening in the world but this has knocked me for six I do have my own life as I still work part time but i just wanted to be a bigger part of their lives. My H does not understand why I feel like this he just says as long as she's happy but when you have looked forward to something so much it's just breaking my heart .

Starlady Sun 14-Jan-18 19:29:12

"...but when you have looked forward to something so much it's just breaking my heart ."

There it is right there - you were looking forward to it, you were led to believe your dd's kids would be growing up near you. It's hard to have one's expectations built up that and then wholly knocked down that way! It hurts! Why wouldn't it? xx

Please give yourself some time to grieve for "what might have been." You don't have to let dd know you're doing this, it will just upset her. She, too, may be a little sad that they aren't making the move. Just do it for yourself. Share it with dh, if he'll listen, or with us.

Then, after a while, start thinking of how you can maintain a long distance relationship with your new gc. FaceTime? Skype? Cards & gifts? Visits? You have time to figure all this out with dd & sil and, of course, with dh, too.

For now, are you and dh planning to visit when the baby is born? Be careful... Don't get your expectations too set. Dd might invite you to come around the time of her due date or she might ask you to wait and she'll make arrangements with you after baby is here. Some new parents ask long distant relatives to wait a while before coming or to stay in a hotel when they do. Please be prepared for whatever might happen - and for unexpected changes, as well. Even if they say beforehand, "Oh, we want you to do this/that..." their wishes may change once baby is actually here. Be ready to be as flexible as you can and just enjoy your new gc.


Eglantine21 Sun 14-Jan-18 21:03:10

It is only two hours away. My son lives this distance and it's easy to go for the day.
I guess if you had this future vision of a daughter and grandchild down the road and being able to pop in then a once a week day trip doesn't seem so good.

I think it's hard for you coming on the heels of your sons departure flowers

FarNorth Sun 14-Jan-18 21:19:01

Maybe your DD didn't want to tell you about the house as she knew you'd be upset. Or didn't want to say until she knew something definite about a new house.

Naturally, you are disappointed but please don't say too much about that to your DD.

Do you have female friends you can talk to, who may understand better than DH does?
And you can always talk to us, of course.

Happychops Sun 14-Jan-18 21:33:08

It is hard,and at the moment you do feel hurt but you can deal with it and learn ways of keeping in touch. There are probably good reasons for them staying in the area they live. Jobs friends and they may love the area. My family live in different parts of the country and I have learned to treasure the times we get together. I talk a lot via face time. My GD is now three and she will ask to FaceTime grandma. Because it is FaceTime, she can see my house and when asked,I show her each room, discussing what it is and what I do,she will ask me questions about what she is seeing and when she is due to visit she will ask to see her bedroom. My house is familiar to her. I cried knowing that I would never be around my grandchildren on a daily basis,but technology is fantastic these days and I have shared so much that I would have missed without it.
I know this is not really what you want to hear, but I wanted to let you know that it is still possible to keep in touch if you cannot see them regularly.

Anniebach Sun 14-Jan-18 21:47:20

I cried in secret when my younger daughter moved to Lincolnshire , thought she would never leave Wales, but she is happy and this it what matters, when she was having the IV.f treatments I was trouble the child would know me as my three grandchildren do, my younger daughter said she would buy another iPad and I could baby sit when she was gardening and I could teach the little one Welsh ?. Sadly she couldn't have children

Don't be sad Tylermor, I thought mye two darling daughters would be with into my old age and death, not to be

M0nica Sun 14-Jan-18 22:07:16

My DGC live a 4 hour journey away. Their other DGM lives 2 miles away. We see them about every six weeks, and we have developed a different but no less close relationship with their other DGM. To begin with we are really good friends with DS'sMiL. We stay with her when we visit our DGC, I would say developing a good relationship with the other GM is really important, if it is at all possible.

Our DGC are now old enough to come and stay with us on their own and we do all sorts of things with them that their othe DGM doesn't do. In fact each set of DGP has found a different role to play with their DGC as a result of our different circumstances and our relationship with our DGC is equally close.

Sar53 Sun 14-Jan-18 22:17:31

Tylermore1 I understand how upset you are but please don't let it break your heart.
I have 2 DD, one lives 3 hours away and I see my 3 DGD about six times a year. I would love it to be more but it's just not possible. My other DD lives about 1 1/2 hours away and I see my 2 DGD as and when I can.
I've accepted that I cannot just pop in and see them whenever I want.
You will bond with your new DGC wherever you live, believe me and it makes the times you do see them very, very precious.

Grannyknot Sun 14-Jan-18 22:59:04

Tyler welcome to Gransnet.

My only grandson lives about 2 hours away from us door to door. Usually about once a fortnight I go for the day, arriving by train at 11 and leaving at 3 or 4 p.m. but sometimes a month goes by when I haven't seen him (I Facetime in between).

He will be 4 this year and he knows who I am and we have an established relationship. He loves me.

I've had to adjust my visits since he started nursery. My point is, things change all the time, whether you live near or not, but regular contact means your grandchild will know you.


WilmaKnickersfit Sun 14-Jan-18 23:50:02

Tylermor you mentioned your youngest Daughter and your eldest Son, so does that mean you have other children too?

It's hard when you are so disappointed.

grannyactivist Mon 15-Jan-18 00:24:35

Chin up Tyler smile - I have no grandchildren living close to me, but I have wonderful relationships with them nonetheless. One granddaughter is two and a half and lives in New Zealand, I've visited her twice and that's enough so that when we Facetime she knows me and chats away. My two grandsons (8 & 5) are two hours away and every Easter they come on holiday (without their parents) with us - we're very close. My youngest grandson (6 months) lives an hour away and we're just establishing a routine where we see him once a month.

So you see it is possible to establish and maintain good relationships at a distance - I hope this, and many other posts above, will challenge (and change) your view that you will not get to bond with your grandchild.

Seaside22 Mon 15-Jan-18 06:09:29

Really feel for you Tylermorl, I can understand how upset you feel .Our son left his home town when their son was three months old to move 250 mile away, we were heartbroken.We visited every month, to try and build a bond, it was difficult and expensive.After 2 years they came back, but I have to say, I don't see much of them now and miss the quality time we had , once a month for a whole weekend, we felt much more a part of their family than we do now.Good luck.

BlueBelle Mon 15-Jan-18 07:52:53

First and foremost welcome to the forum Tylor now for the tough stuff
However hard it is you have to make the best it’s quite rare for children to live close by family any more the world is a big place My three children all explored it by living overseas all of my seven grandchildren were born and brought up in other countries Two grandkids returned with their mum when their dad died but you know what I would rather them have still had their dad A quick point you are affronted she didn’t tell you about trying for a house, sorry Tyler but that really is none of your business she has a husband now and won’t tell you everything
I know it’s the unexpected disappointment that has shocked you but you will get used to the idea and honestly none of us can have expectations of what our kids lives will be I too had the old dream that I d be the perfect Nan cooking a big dinner with a baby on my hip giving little ones biscuits and all my family around with me We aren’t living in a fairy tale Tylor and it’s not our life to arrange or rearrange
Two hours away is a doddle your husband is totally right do try to catch his optimism
Just out of curiosity you aren’t at all concerned that your son has gone to live on the other side of the world Why?

Christinefrance Mon 15-Jan-18 08:38:27

I can't add anything toBlueBelle's post, her story mirrors mine in so many ways. Of course you are disappointed but our adult children have to make their own lives in their own way. Give yourself some time then start planning your visits and how you can keep in touch. Good luck.

Tylermor1 Mon 15-Jan-18 14:51:20

Thank you for all your helpful comments I think I will be ok once the baby is here and like you all say face time is a wonderful thing in answer to my son going to Australia I had 3 years to get used to the fact they where going and I felt like this when he 1st mentioned it has made me think I can get over this . Her saying she is not coming back probably after him going was just a bit too soon and that's why it has hit me harder as I am normally a person that goes with the flow .

Washerwoman Tue 16-Jan-18 10:00:31

Hi OP.Firstly I'm immensly lucky that our first DGD lives literally around the corner,but also realistic to know that could all change as DDS partners job could well necessitate a move.Abroad has been mooted.And yes I'd be quietly devastated, but would try to accept it's their life.However our youngest DD lives approximately 2 hours away,in the city she went to uni in,and met her partner.They have bought a house ,and I know she would dearly love to start a family before too long.She has talked,to her sisters,not us about wishing she was closer if she did - I think she's seen how much help her siter has on hand !But the reality is she loves her job,and the city and there's so much going on.We love to visit.To be honest I would encourage her to stay as I think they'd miss it.
So mentally I'm preparing myself for trips across more frequently if they want it,We're close so hopefully,and if I could afford to retire - the 7 year delay on my pension has put a bit of a block on that yet !-would happily go the evening before to help out if they needed a day off or some or to save a bit on childcare.And DH would happily go if he was free to.I think I'd hop on the train however because although I'm a pretty confident driver the motorway journey there has got worse lately,so busy and in winter especially not enjoyable.At least I could relax and read with a coffee.Plus they will come to visit,thankfully we didn't downsize too much!So I will still feel lucky,knowing a few people with family relocated to Australia and Canada.Once you have had time to process it may not seem too bad.

midgey Tue 16-Jan-18 11:37:14

You know the real problem is that we have worked hard to make our children independent, to know their own minds and to go for what they is hard when they do it!!

nanny2507 Fri 09-Feb-18 20:53:09

awww tylermor1 i felt like this as my daughter lives 200+ miles away. I am lucky enough to drive down every 2 weeks to see my GD. Is this something you could do maybe once a month or every 2 months?...install whatsapp or skype on your phone...i had my first whatsapp video call with my GD the other day and when asked who it was she said NANNY..that way you will still have regular contact with your Grandchild x

Luckygirl Fri 09-Feb-18 21:37:50

I am lucky to have 4 GC very close by and see them a lot; I regularly look after 2 of them and feel very close to them.

The other 3 are about 4 hours away, and for the last few years it has been hard to see them so much as OH is not good at travelling. I just wanted to say that we have a very good relationship with all 3 of them - they are affectionate towards us and relaxed in our company when they are down our way. So don't despair - we have different relationships with the nearby GC to those with the ones further away - but in each case there is a special quality - you just have to work at it a bit and make full use of modern technology.

Hellsbella Sun 11-Feb-18 21:25:15

My parents lived 250 miles away and my mother was disabled. Neither drove and nor did I. I took the train with the kids four or five times a year and stayed for 4 or 5 days. This was before computers and Facetime.
They had a very close relationship with my children, right into adulthood, based only on letters, voice phone calls and occasional visits. Distance need not be a barrier to a close relationship, especially now.

Catlady47 Thu 15-Feb-18 21:37:43

I have family in oz we're quite close and Skype all the time

alchemilla Tue 20-Feb-18 11:46:33

Go with the flow OP and don't let your disappointment show. I think your husband is right - as long as your DD is happy, the baby is fine and you remain in contact, all is okay. You don't say how difficult it is for you to travel the two hours, but if you and your husband can drive then two hours doesn't sound very far. My 2 DCs are four hours away in opposite directions and one like your DS is considering Oz. Build lots of bridges, install Skype or Facetime and go from there.

quizqueen Tue 20-Feb-18 12:29:30

If your daughter and family moved to be nearer you then the other grandparents, who currently are close, would be two hours away or is that okay as long as your needs are met!! If you're that desperate to be closer then perhaps you could consider uprooting your life and moving to the area they live in. We cannot control our adult children's lives and make choices for them, Neither should we.

Perhaps they have realised they have come to love the area they live in and have a good local support network and jobs they don't want to live. Perhaps the parents in law are not so needy so easier to live closer to!! Yes, you can be sad because your daughter led you to believe she would mover closer to you when she had children but I'm afraid people can and do change their minds. Feeling sorry for yourself will get you nowhere so just plan ahead how you can get maximum involvement with your grandchild which suits everyone.

However, I find it strange that you don't seem to care that your son has emigrated. Isn't he equally important? Home truths may not be what you want to hear but, from your post, it seems the facts nevertheless.