Son in law travelling while my daughter is expecting baby

Dorothy, I hope my response was not insensitive especially now you have updated. I now reiterate that I think you are wonderfully supportive and I salute you. Your daughter is so lucky to have you. Can you employ someone this time to do the heavy work? Do update us when baby arrives. My transverse babies are now out earning their own living and making their way.

A follow up:
Thanks to all those who responded with understanding and sensitivity. It is a very difficult situation. I can't go into too much detail at risk of breaching confidentiality/exposing personal information, so suffice to say son in law is not a loving caring and supportive partner to my daughter.
She is left to manage entirely without support (other than financial - since moving to the countryside she has given up her job, but the situation was exactly the same when she was working full time).

We try very hard to be helpful and supportive without being intrusive. We accept daughter's choice to be with him (we can't do anything about it), but we cannot stand by while she is exploited and neglected.

Some commenters seem to have the impression I was complaining about caring for our grandchild - not at all. We absolutely adore her and every moment spent caring for her is a joy and a privilege.
We get on very well with our daughter, despite our problems with her son in law, and never voice judgements or criticism about him or about her relationship (we tried gently voicing our concerns in the past, it was entirely counterproductive).
No - the only thing I was complaining about was our son in law's decision to change jobs, knowing the extra burden that would place on us for many weeks before and after the pregnancy, without the slightest acknowledgement from either of them that this was the case. A simple "is this ok?" and a thank you would have been quite sufficient.

As I said, there have been several previous similar occasions. When our first grandchild was born I was put in the position of having to do heavy physical work (rather than watch my daughter do it 2 weeks after having a baby) because her husband was conveniently absent.

At any rate, I have apologised to my daughter for arguing (it was a very quiet chat tbh) and we have agreed to put it behind us and carry on as normal - I completely agree with commenters - now is certainly not the time to raise difficult issues.

I hope this follow up clarifies things for people. I was going to remove this thread for fear of breaching privacy, but seeing how much interest it has generated I have decided for the time being to leave it up.

If Dorothy has just been informed that she and her husband will be expected to be on standby for the imminent birth of the new baby I can understand her annoyance at being taken for granted but not a good idea to argue with a heavily pregnant daughter.
If the son in law has changed his job for promotion or security I don't blame him; one has to seize the opportunity, but I am wondering if he has done it to have a chance of escaping child care involvement.

Keep your opinions on their arrangements to yourself, it's not your business.

It is Dorothy's business if she and DH are expected to take up the slack without a by-your-leave.

It doesn't matter how the situation came about, if Dorothy encouraged dependence or not. It would be reasonable to expect that a big change, which will need more input from the grandparents, would at least be run past them first.

Right now though, apologise to DD and leave any discussion of being taken for granted until after baby's safe arrival.

It does sound as if you have never encouraged independence from you and now, unfortunately, they have all become totally dependent on you and your DH and probably don't realise that it is all too much. You have probably never spoken about it before and let it all build up until you are resentful and angry.

Talk it over with your DH and decide how you both feel, but your DD does need you for the next couple of months. Then you need to all have a calm discussion about the future and how much you are prepared to help, if at all.

Nothing is certain in this life, least of all babies being born on their due date. Who knows what will happen, Daddy-to-be may well be at home when junior decides to put in an appearance. None of our or our DDs carefully laid plans for the births panned out as planned but all the babies arrived safely in their own good time. Dorothy you must be so worried about your daughter having a difficult birth, but baby may turn and all the worry will be in vain.

I was born into a service family and married someone whose job meant travelling, often to some of the less safe countries in the world, at a few hours notice for indefinite period of time.

He just about managed to be around for our wedding, getting back the evening before it. He did manage to be around when the children were born, although my DM stayed for 10 days then, just in case. Both parents lived 60 miles away and were all in full time employment until DC were school age. So could not provide more than occasional emergency support.

So I managed, as did so many other of us. Your problem is not that your SiL may be away at this crucial time, but that you have allowed them to become so dependent on you that they just assume that any difficulties they have you will always be round to sort everything out.

Once your new DGC is born and the first few months are over, start being less available and cut the apron strings.

I suppose that what I am saying is that clarity of communication is what is needed. My DDs know that I adore having the children, and I always say when it feels too much - they understand.

Wires have got crossed for the OP - but that is no reason to be angry and feel put upon. It is a reason to start to communicate clearly.

This is no time...

This no time to be falling out with your DD or feeling angry with your SIL!!! Save it!!

You feel you are being taken for granted, but there is another way of looking at that. You might think about it as being seen as a loving and reliable grandparent. And it may be that they have thought that you loved being so involved.

If you feel that they have misinterpreted things, then you need to discuss this with them without rancour or blame - say what you feel you can manage and, more importantly, what you cannot. If you do not explain where you stand - in a polite and non-accusatory way - then how can they know?

I really do not think that you should be angry with your SIL or your DD.

I'm with MissAdventure and merlotgran, you are not being unreasonable Dorothy, they are taking you for granted. It sounds as though you took on more and more and now they expect more and more. I'm sure you are happy to do all of it but I know exactly the 'rage' feeling inside when people just assume you will do everything. Yes, you will do everything, and willingly, but goodness, how you would like to be asked what you think of it all in advance - I think it's not too much to ask when basically they could not run their lives without you. My pregnant daughter was up for an argument every minute of every day so I'm not judging you for that either ?

Maybe the OP should have a chat with her SIL about the situation. Hes the one that took the new job. They may be able to talk without raised voices.

I'm prepared to cut Dorothy a bit of slack here because I know how much support is often expected from grandparents when living in an isolated rural location.

I don't think voicing her concerns with her daughter is out of order. Everyone is saying she shouldn't interfere but it was their decision to have another child and for the husband to change his job no doubt assuming the grandparents will step into the breach when the daughter goes into labour as well as care for the other child at the same time.

I know I'm swimming against the tide here but there are two sides to this.

It must just be me then, who thinks that there is nothing emancipated about raising your own children and being expected to then virtually raise another woman's. Even if she is your daughter. Without so much as a 'by your leave' too!

Surely, being taken for granted happens in families just because they are family! There are lots of people here who would love the chance to be taken for granted.

Sorry if I'm repeating what anyone else said, I've not read the whole thread!

I agree with most of the posts here. The working and domestic arrangements your daughter and her partner make are their business. It isn't always easy to bite the tongue to avoid expressing judgements on their decisions but it's usually exactly what we need to do. Our adult children have a right to negotiate their relationships, their working lives and child care without us putting our judgey pants on and making their lives even more difficult than they are.
Men often feel/and indeed are, responsible for financially providing for their families. We shouldn't underestimate the pressure they feel as more children arrive.
I say this as a feminist, whose main sympathy would be with the mother who usually still carries responsibility for the emotional well being of the family, at the same time as being a mother, wife and daughter.
My mother came to my 60th birthday celebration. I feel blessed n to only to have had her for so long into my life but also, because she didn't interfere or pass judgement. My criticism may be, I sometimes wish she had! A mother's place is in the wrong and we'd do well to remember that and put our own feelings to one side, most of the time.

Unfortunately yes you’re being quite unreasonable
I was a service wife thousands of miles away from home in another country no family nearby a husband on duty and me a first time Mum with a breech baby on my own ( apart from doctors ) You are privileged to be living nearby and being able to help if you don’t want to help don’t help but don’t do it grudgingly There are many grans on here who don’t get the chance to even see their grandkids
It really is not of your business to row with your daughter about when your son in law changes jobs maybe the opportunity wouldn’t have come by again be happy he s working and providing for your grandkids
Be happy for them and do what you can, the time for helping is gone in a flash

You have made yourself available by taking on more and more and the fact that they live near to you in 'rural isolation' would seem that you have never encouraged your DD to be independent and forge her own life with her husband and family.
I know that many grandparents help out these days out of necessity but your DD does seem to be overly dependent on you and your DH.

It may be time to loosen the apron strings, but not just yet as she will need your help for a while.

I agree with Grannyben now is not the time to to air your feelings. Once the baby is here and your son in law is settled in his job then you can discuss reducing the help you are giving. These things tend to creep up on us before we realise what has happened.
Hope everything goes well with the new baby.

I'm sure if you don't want to help in the way that you do they will make other arrangements. I really can't see your problem. It's their life and this is what they have decided to do.

Yes, I do think you were being unreasonable. What if she'd married someone in the forces - then there might be times it would be worth worrying but still not worth upsetting your "heavily pregnant with a transverse baby" presumably dearly loved daughter.

Sometimes job opportunities don't come along that often so, perhaps, your dd and sil felt that this was their chance to improve their lot. I strongly suspect they are also thinking it could have been timed better but they only had two choices, turn it down and perhaps not get the chance again for perhaps years or, go for it and depend on the help of mum and dad.
I bet your dd is feeling awful that her husband is going to be away at such a difficult time. Now you have argued with her over it.
If it was me, I would apologise and say you were a bit stressed out. I appreciate you feel taken for granted but perhaps now isn't the time to make a stand.
Could you press on just little longer then, when the little one has arrived safely and your dd is back on her feet you could give some thought as to how you can reduce your commitments to her once her husband is back home

It's the being taken for granted that bothers you isn't it Dorothy? May I suggest that you address this after the baby is born? Your daughter and son-in-law need support just now and emotions will be running high with the changes that are afoot in their lives. I suspect that many of our adult children continue to rely on us to help them in times of need and it looks like you're doing your fair share, but if you no longer want to help out then I'd wait to have that discussion until times are more settled.

I too have a pregnant daughter and I shall be taking the two older children away for a week just before the baby is due and then moving in with them all until some considerable time after the birth. I'm delighted to be able to help out and like that my daughter takes it for granted that it's something I'm happy to do.

They live in rural isolation (close to us her parents).
You seem to do a lot for your DD and if you are isolated and there is no-one else around perhaps your SIL feels rather 'overtaken' by DD's family and has chosen a job which may take him away from time to time?

Going away for a week is not that long compared to the separations that some couples have had to cope with because of work commitments.

Laptop got me ' places' in the wrong place . Just shows how dumbfounded I am!

Of course something that imposes on Dorothy's time is her business.