Son in law travelling while my daughter is expecting baby

Incidentally, I'm not criticising young women here, who seem to be working to the nth hour to maximise time with their baby for the remaining mat leave. What about their need to rest and prepare>

Beau -a little of post here but you make a very good point about the current approach to mat leave, which seems to be to work till a week before your due date. Your daughter's experience was even more frightening than ours - but similar in that a planned c section became urgent and happened 4 days after mat leave started. No time to rest or prepare yourself physically and emotionally for the arrival of your baby.

Could you stay with her while her husband is away? She does seem to be taking unnecessary risks, even putting the baby's life at risk, by being so fiercely independent.
Does she see your concern for her as implied criticism of her husband? Been there myself, yet all my parents were doing was trying to help me.

Dorothy, please try to persuade her to stay nearer the hospital. My daughter collapsed with blood loss on the first day of her very late maternity leave - her elective c section for 7 days later instantly became a distant dream. Most of the blood turned out to be the baby's and he had 2 blood transfusions as soon as he was born. She was blue lighted to hospital in an ambulance and had an emergency c section under general anaesthetic but as we all know at our age there is not enough time to think straight or have second thoughts once the emergency has started.

ifshe has a high risk pregnancy they should have kept her in hospital.Maybe she refused to stay in? If she has a toddler she may not have wanted to leave him/her at home without her .Ask her ifthey suggested it and if they did try to explain why it would be for the best..for all concerned

Goodness how worrying and stressful for you and your daughter. I agree your son in law sounds thoughtless but ultimately how much support he gives is down to your daughter. I think I would be encouraging her to stay with you at least until the baby is born.

I would have thought the hospital would keep her in, too. I don't know, but I suppose if the pregnant lady doesn't want to do anything to lessen the risk then there is little anyone can do. I would have thought she would like to have all bases covered.

MissA but an ambulance will have to get to this rural location before zooming back to hospital and what would they do with the Toddler she already has? I am surprised that the hospital will not take her in early so that she is on the spot if anything untoward happens.

If money is no object why not hire a midwife to live in for a few weeks?

An ambulance will be the best course of action if anything happens. They'll get her there super fast.

Thanks again to everyone for the supportive and kind messages. I am in a bit of a state today after daughter had scan yesterday which confirmed the diagnosis.
As suspected, her complications mean she has a 40% increased chance of premature labor, and a risk of massive hamemorage if she doesn't get to a hospital within 20 minutes if she a) bleeds or b) goes into labor.
She's scheduled for a C section in 3 weeks, but I'm terrified this could be too late.
We all live 40 minutes from the hospital and, as her husband is away next week, she will be alone. The Royal College of Obstetricians advice is that she should be in close proximity to the hospital and in constant presence of a companion. We have suggested she move for a few weeks to a hotel near the hospital (which they can afford) but she won't have it. We have begged her to come stay with us while her husband's away but so far she says no.

Meanwhile at least now the doctors have told her she must rest and not do heavy work, so she has stopped insisting she can do all the heavy lifting/shopping (her husband does none of it and is happy to watch her carry gas bottles etc). We will of course do this for her (as always when it is necessary) but it is not always possible as we are not always there to intervene.
My daughter's life is at risk, there is no doubt about this, it is not only the baby. I am at my wit's end, so sorry if not very coherent.

Well done Dorothy for apologising, and putting your daughter first. I'm sure you will continue to offer the whole family your continued support over the coming weeks/months.
Do take this time to work out what assistance you feel your daughter actually needs (and, of course, what you are comfortable giving) then, when the time is right you can explain how you hope you can all move forward

Oh Ginny42

My mother died around the time of my 21st birthday and when I had my daughter a couple of years later I would have given anything to have had my mum there. Just saying.

to be honest I didn't want anyone under my feet when I was pregnant ,and I never told my mother when I went into labour ..just in case.We had several miscarriages and she'd just have got herself stressed .I went to work knowing I was in labour to finish a job I was doing and asked my sister to collect my case from home ,went to hospital had baby late aftrenoon and then told folk.Was back at work 8 days later ,with baby in tow .I hate people fussing around me so I'd rather just get on with things myself.From the outside it might have looked as if my OH was uncaring/unsupportive but that wasn't the case.So dont judge people all do things differently.

Granarchist Well done you. I think we all just got on with it and didn't expect much from our DHs because that was the way things were then.

Gosh, that must have been hard!
DH was somewhere overseas .....

Jalima1108 and Nonnie -me too - in my case living in a 14ft caravan outside our derelict farmhouse 1000ft up in the Peak District. My inlaws lived in Spain and my mother was still working and living in Kent. It never occurred to me to ask either of them for help. OH got to go to a heated office every day with a flushing loo! I found living in the local leisure centre worked pretty well in the daytime and in the evning OH took over and I worked in a local bar. Bonus was that both children swam before they walked and amazingly my eldest daughter has just done pretty much the same thing. Living in one room with a baby while renovating a house around them.

I agree with you that it is best not to criticise your SIL to your DD; she obviously loves him and is accepting of the situation. If he has a good job working away, perhaps he can pay for someone to come and do some of the jobs that could be too much for a new mother and for you if you and DH are finding it too much to cope with.

I hope your DD is not too isolated and has a car; perhaps when the baby is a few months old she could be encouraged to do the school run herself and meet up with other young mums at a mother and baby group.

I'm not going to say "we had it hard" but in fact, when many of us were young mums we just had to get on with it (trying to wash and dry 2 lots of terry nappies, there was a bakers' strike, we had to make our own bread, DH went away for months on end, no parents nearby - and no car either!).

I'm not whingeing, honestly, but sometimes I wonder how we all did it!

If the birth is expected to present difficulties she may be admitted to hospital early and be in professional hands from the outset. In your place I would be very nervous of the responsibility. It seems presumptious of them to assume that you and your DH will be on call for any eventuality. However, having said that, she's probably very apprehensive about it all and is relieved that you are close by and would welcome a hug from her Mum!

Dorothy I don't think you are being unreasonble .
I have been in your position as my DD partner works away from home.
So when my DD was in the last stages of pregnancy on both occasions she moved in with us (complications with each pregnancy)
As luck would have it her partner made it to the births.
But I felt that the responsibility of getting my daughter to hospital appointments and and on several occasions for emergency scans as well as helping to look after another DGC quite stressful.
My DH was still working and and he would also at times be working away from home.

I know that you are just having a little rant on GN and will be there very step of the way with your DD.

I hope all goes well and you will be back on GN to tell us all about your new grandchild.

DorothyL, maybe you could have a chat with your daughter about what sort of help she might need.
If it is genuinely too much for you, say so and suggest other arrangements that could be made. For instance online shopping for all of you, instead of trips to the shops.

Some time after baby is born, have another chat about what you and DH feel able to do in the future, and the need to consult you on changes.
Frame it as needing to stay within your capabilities, rather than any comment on their decisions.

My DS had to go away on business when our DiL was heavily pregnant and unwell. I stayed with her overnight and came back home during the day when her friends were around. Luckily they don't live too far away. I was worried, yes, but I kept my fears to myself and did my best to help. I'm afraid I agree with other posters that it's their life and it's a situation where you can decide to adapt - or not. I personally found it tiring coping with the siblings evening and mornings but I was pleased to be trusted to help. I hope all goes well for you

Having read your update you are obviously doing a wonderful job supporting your daughter. I’m so sorry you have these worries. Enjoy the close relationship you have with your daughter, there is nothing so lovely.

I have to tell you that I was left on my own with no parental or other help when our children were born. In those days no one thought anything of it. There was no such thing as paternal leave and no one thought a mother needed any help when her child was born. I recognise that things have changed but it is quite possible that both your DD and SiL think that she will be fine with your help and that he is more useful going and earning the money which allowes her to be a full time mother.

Dear DorothyL, you have my every sympathy, concern for your daughter who is facing an uncertain confinement, due to the baby’s unstable lie and transverse position. We recently had great anxiety over a pregnancy with my own daughter and I do know how this affects the prospective grandparents.

However I would counsel against being critical of your SIL, as it puts your daughter in such a difficult situation. She may privately agree with you but feel she can’t be critical of her husband. I do know parents who have lost out in similar situations because their child has sided with the spouse.

I do hope you will soon be able to report that the baby has arrived safely and all is well.

When we were visiting my daughter in hospital after her delivery I suddenly realised how lucky we were. So many parents are supporting their children through infertility, obstetric problems, loss of babies. That must be so much more challenging. With every good wish.