Feeling weary with friends demands

If she can read she caan cook. If she could afford four holidays a year she can afford a cleaner once a week. Put yourself and your family first.

Get social services involved, if she has her ailing mother there, she will be entitled to a carer assessment and let them take on the role of supervising her situation. Her mother's needs must be paramount.

Send her the catalogues for ready meals as advertised on TV, she really won't starve, she is quite able to hobble off to the chippy!

Sounds to me that she has been able to assume a childlike existence facilitated by her husband and plenty of money.

She is responsible for herself and her mother now and that won't do her any harm at all. She needs to grow up.

If she can't change the light bulb, then making a nose and hanging herself sounds like an empty threat.

You won't do her any favours playing along with all this.

She is young enough to have another whole life ahead of her, if she chooses it.

She has been spoilt and now the spoiler has gone she is stamping her feet If she can’t change a lightbulb she is a disaster show her how then leave her to it Let her buy ready food or eat out or better still LEARN to cook sounds like her poor mum is in for a ‘fun time’
Emotional blackmail is very unattractive people who are so down they feel they want to end it, don’t announce it and they certainly don’t tell you where to find them I wouldn’t play into that one at all She is looking for sympathy she wants to shock you into worrying about her don’t fall for it
Step right back to your cleaner role one day a week or whatever it is you do and forget the rest don’t waste your time it will NEVER be appreciated
Blimey I wish I was 58 again she’s got years ahead

This lady doesn't sound like much of a friend to me. All the friendship seems to be one way - coming from you.

You have helped her in many ways and her dependency is making you tired and anxious. You have told her that your finances won't stretch to going out with her regularly and yet she continues to ask you to accompany her. She is comfortably off and really wants you to go out with her. Knowing your circumstances, a real friend would offer to pay - though I'm guessing that isn't the primary issue for you as you just want some peace and quiet.

I'm afraid this lady has been pampered by her husband - perhaps, as someone else said, because she made threats if he stepped out of line.

It is kind of you to have gone to so much time and trouble to help her but I think now is the time to make yourself less available. When this lady has things in the house and garden that need doing, it appears she is perfectly able to pay for someone to sort them out.

If she is used to eating out on a regular basis, she can continue to do so and for the days when she does not, buy in some ready meals. It isn't healthy but if she is unwilling to learn how to make a simple meal that is her choice (and how difficult is it to bake a potato, boil an egg, grate some cheese and make a small salad or make yourself an omelette?).

Please do not make yourself ill worrying about this lady. You have done more than many people would do and it is now up to her to make some effort herself.

58, she is carrying on as though she is 98. I do not profess to be the world's best cook but the vast majority of the time I cook for myself until I get bored and then decide to have a ready meal. Surely she knows one end of a vacuum cleaner from the other- if not she can always learn. We all did but rather sooner than 58.

You must think about yourself because she appears to be rather selfish especially turning on the emotional blackmail.

True, these kind of people never ask about you or yours.

Thank you for all your kind advice. I agree I need to establish boundaries with her and intend to do so now before it gets out of hand. Writing my feelings down on this forum has made me realise that I have been too soft and it's quite right that she has to learn to be independent and make adjustments to her situation. I also notice when i'm with her she never asks about myself or my family its always about her. I am actually encouraging her to look for a job as she is only 58 or as she doesn't need the money to do voluntary work which I think will help her to give something back in life which is in itself very satisfying. Here's hoping ?

If she is well off, how about suggesting she gets some home care for her and her mother. Someone could come who would clean, cook go shopping go out with her. It sounds to me as though you have been a good friend so now is the time to suggest she gets more help at home to tide her over this period.

Sorry, but this woman has to grow up at last and deal with her life. It’s not up to you. However I suspect she will always find some kind, but gullible, person to use. Let it not be you.

You're going to have to establish boundaries and make sure you stick to them, or else your working hours are going to be swallowed up as you do more and more for your friend.
She needs to learn how to stand on her own two feet now, and it won't help in the long term if you end up shouldering the brunt of everything.

You are going to have to stand your ground and be firm about just how many hours you want to be with her, and what hours you want to work. It sounds as if she may be paying you for a few hours but expecting you to be a companion out of the goodness of your heart. The relationship is not on an even footing. You need to put your family first, you have already gone over and above what can reasonably be expected.

If she cant cook and doesn't want to learn, she can buy ready meals ...all the supermarkets do them or she could order from Wiltshire Farms or similar. But others will have to stop being manipulated into doing her work for her ...otherwise she will have no incentive to bother!

That is worrying Hanna you need to let her GP know about it. However you have gone over and above what can reasonably be expected of you. You can't and shouldn't take on responsibility for her care and mental health. Be strong for your own sake.

If she is threatening to kill herself hanna perhaps you should talk to someone at Samaritans about the best way to respond.
I don’t think suicide threats can be taken lightly.

Making threats like that is emotional blackmail. Perhaps that's where her talent lies and why her husband did everything.

Thank you for all your advise. Its a great help to hear advise from a different perspective. She has no children and has fallen out with her nieces and her brother but lives with her ailing mother who has just moved in with her but its a bit like the blind leading the blind as far as looking after each other. She has sorted her finances out and is well off so no worries there. The most concerning aspect for me is that she said that if her mother dies she will go and hang herself from one of the beams in her house which scared me to death and that's when i sorted out bereavement counselling for her. This has made me feel very anxious now and have had some worrying moments about it all.

I think you need to stand back and make her do some things for herself. She sounds like she must be pretty wealthy. After all few of us could afford to be able to employ cleaners, gardeners and eat out numerous times a week. Is it laziness that stops her doing stuff for herself?

I would not try to talk to her about it but just offer as much help, advice or time as you feel able to give. You are employed as a cleaner, not her companion. Do you really see her as a friend or do you just feel sorry for her? Friendship is normally two way and I fail to see what she is giving to the friendship.

If she is reasonably fit and healthy herself then she may have many years left during which she has to cope with the day to day tasks of life. Never having done it before she will no doubt be feeling very helpless (along with still grieving for her husband).

You have to stand back. She won't starve and if her home gets messy that won't bother anyone either. Keep an arrangement with her that you will see her in x number of days when you come to clean, but won't have time for anything inbetween. The one concern I might have is whether she has good financial advice - sounds like they might have been quite well off so perhaps make sure there is a professional involved to help her?

Does she have any adult children?
I think you’ve already gone above and beyond anything that could reasonably be expected of you.

She is a very dependent sort of woman, isn't she? All I can say is to encourage her, within reason as you can't give her all your time, to become independent in all the areas you've identified. But it's not your place to take on these roles, she has to do it herself. Good luck.

mollie Have known her for about 6 years before i worked for her so both really.

Is she a friend or an employer?

Thank you for all the advise. My friend's husband cooked all the meals and they would eat out at restaurants a lot together. He took care of everything. As for cleaning that's how i met her as she employs me to clean for her every fortnight, but she does not do anything in between which drive's me wild. Her light bulb blew in her bed side lamp a few weeks ago and she waited for me to put a new bulb in for her!! I have also encouraged her to find an evening class for beginners cookery lessons but she doesn't want to go unless i join her and i already know how to cook so not interested. She has one other friend, who is her neighbour who at the moment is cooking for her. I'm just glad i don't live next door. I think i will take the advise and try to talk to her although she is not the easiest person to listen.

I would also add that if she is clueless about finances as her husband used to take care if that stuff, as is the case with a good number of widows, she may need help with that too. You must put yourself and your family first.

I can understand the impulse to support our friend hanna but you do need to be careful, there's a fine line between compassion and facilitating her helplessness. I'm also unsure why she would not be able to cook or clean. Did her husband take care of both? As she seems comfortable financially the gardener is an excellent start, then as others have said a cleaner next. As she feels stronger encourage her to go and learn to cook. If she really can't or won't then its salad or ready meals, no choice really. Theres a real danger that your friend will want you to care for her as her husband did, its just not possible is it? I do feel for you, we have been in a similar but different situation with a bereaved friend and it took some careful management to overcome the issues.