Gransnet forums


Adult children moving back home

(18 Posts)
jenpax Wed 07-Mar-18 18:17:41

This article appeared in today’s Guardian
Apparently adult children returning to live at home, the so called boomerang effect, has a detrimental effect on the wellbeing of their parents.
Have any of you found this to be the case? If so what was the worse part of it or if you found it a great experience what did you gain from it? I would be interested to know. I know there have been other threads on millennial and baby boomers and housing but I wonder more about the quality of life side of this?

grannyactivist Wed 07-Mar-18 18:25:15

We loved having our son back home after he finished university, then when he married a few months later his new wife moved in too and it was a delight to have them both with us. I think altogether it was nine or ten months before they moved into their own rented place and our own well-being was not negatively impacted at all. However, it should be said that we have always had people living with us, so for us it's a tried and tested formula.

tanith Wed 07-Mar-18 18:41:48

My eldest daughter moved in when her 25yr relationship finished. The worst part was trying to share the smallish fridge lol of course she wanted to cook for herself and we both cook from scratch so we filled my poor fridge between us.

Seriously though it was nice to give her a place to stay when she was in bits without enough money to rent but after 2 yrs we were as glad to get our privacy back as she was to leave.

MissAdventure Wed 07-Mar-18 19:06:38

Not an adult child, (though it felt like it at times!) but I had my mum to live with me for almost a year.

GrandmaMoira Wed 07-Mar-18 20:51:22

I think if children return after university in their early 20s, that is fine. I had two who left home last year, both aged around 40. One had never left and the other was a boomerang. I've previously had a DS's girlfriend and a nephew here. Latterly I found it very stressful for all sorts of reasons and I now love my empty house where there is no-one else's mess or noise. I still have my other DS and DGC weekends!

Greenfinch Wed 07-Mar-18 21:43:53

We have our eldest son living with us and I love it.He is great fun,helps with IT problems and gives good advice when I get stressed.He is also here to look after the cat when we are away. How can it be detrimental? Don't we just cope with things as they are?

Deedaa Wed 07-Mar-18 21:56:17

When DH dies, which sadly he will earlier than me, DS and his fiance and son will move in with me. They will be glad not to be paying extortionate rents any more and I will need their help financially when I've only got my pension. I like having them around but it would be nice to have the house to myself. Perhaps I shall be so infirm by then that I shan't mind.

Moocow Wed 07-Mar-18 23:00:53

jenpax what has been your experience on this?

Eloethan Wed 07-Mar-18 23:46:47

My son and his partner and baby lived with us on a couple of occasions for several months in between moving homes. We really enjoyed their company and my son used to make me laugh. But it did get quite tiring because there is inevitably a lot more cooking, washing and cleaning to do when there are more people around. On the whole, though, it was a positive experience and we formed a very close relationship with both our grandchildren.

In the long term I think it might be a strain, especially if there is limited room for clothes, shoes and other personal belongings. It is difficult to keep tidy when the belongings for two people are crammed into one average sized bedroom.

My son and his partner are very easy going but I can imagine it might be hardgoing if a son or daughter were to be seriously untidy, inconsiderate or moody.

Humbertbear Thu 08-Mar-18 08:11:34

Our single daughter in her 40s lives with us. She was in an abusive relationship in her 20s and came to live with us when she returned to London. She works for a charity and has no chance of buying a property on her own in this area of London. One of her friends pays rent of £1500 pm for a flat (before bills). She appreciates not being on her own and we not only enjoy her company but appreciate the support she gives us and other members of the family. She takes me to events I would not otherwise consider and we also travel together. However I should add that she has accommodation at the top of the house in what was the loft so we can all have some privacy when it is needed and we have had to think about making special provision for her in our wills.

Maggiemaybe Thu 08-Mar-18 09:08:59

We’ve had our DS, DDIL and (then) baby living with us for a few months when they were between homes and again for a few weeks when they were having their loft converted. I absolutely loved having them here, even though things were snug, to say the least! I’m sure they were glad to get their own space back, but I was sorry to see them go. Then again, we once had a young English tour guide in Italy whose Italian fiancé’s family assumed the young couple were going to move into their vast home. Four generations and umpteen family members, with the young ones starting out on the top floor, moving gradually down till they were the oldies on the ground floor. She thought it sounded like hell on earth, but I could see the appeal... smile

Azie09 Thu 08-Mar-18 09:15:24

Got one at home now, home from living abroad. We absolutely love it, its a treasure trove moment of time to spend with her. She'll be off soon, she's applying for lots of jobs and one will be right and then we'll be back to a slightly lonely little twosome.

M0nica Thu 08-Mar-18 11:12:16

Happened on occasions for short periods (under six months), but they were always working, and they paid for their keep and while I was happy to feed them, they were expected to do their own washing and keep their own bedrooms clean, change bedlinen etc

I do think having an unemployed post graduation child at home can be difficult. Especially if their parents do not expect them to contribute towards their keep from any benefits they receive and then run round them doing their washing, cleaning etc, effectively infantilising them.

Treat returning children as independent adults and expect them to behave that way and generally the result is happy all round.

Telly Thu 08-Mar-18 13:55:09

My son has been back a couple of times and it was not a problem for us, but I do think it is possible that this makes for an easy option, rather than the adult children sort things out as a couple. But how would you say no?

jenpax Thu 08-Mar-18 14:13:52

My youngest child and eldest grandson (her son) lived with me on and off for 7 years. While I loved having my DGS around I found it challenging with my daughter, she didn’t contribute financially very much and made no effort to help in the house! We get on much better now she has moved out and is settled however I do miss the little one

M0nica Thu 08-Mar-18 17:02:40

Last time DD stayed with us, about 12 years ago between house selling and buying we had a wonderful time. The first month of her stay DH was on a prolonged work trip to Egypt and, while I enjoy the periods on my own, I got that because she was at work during the day, but it was nice having company at weekends. We had a day trip to London to ride the London Eye, we couldn't do that with DH as he doesn't like heights and did various other things it wouldn't have occurred to me to do.

janeayressister Sat 10-Mar-18 13:05:39

It depends on how easy going you are and the temperament of the son or daughter. It also helps if the house is large.
I think it is a two edged sword. I loved having my son home for approximately 8 months but I had to grit my teeth over some things. He didn't clean his room once and treated what was mine, as his. No rent was asked for of course.
I also had to laugh when he said ' I need my privacy Mother ' as there was no more ravishing for me on the lounge sofa or the stairs as long as he could burst in upon the shenanigans. Obviously I didn't tell him that.

Grammaretto Sun 11-Mar-18 16:15:13

It's like a honeymoon 6 times a year. Each time they come back and each time they leave! That was often said when they went off to uni.
Once they are adults, it's much harder. You want to support them but sometimes that isn't helping them to find their feet. I have friends whose grown children are still living at home for financial and social reasons. I ask how it works with bringing potential partners home and they say it's fine but not ideal.

I confess I threw out one of my DS as he couldn't keep the house rules but of course he was welcomed home after a cooling off period. Now the house is empty, we fill the spare rooms with international students - other people's children who get on very well with us and think we are cool if not "awesome!".