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grandchildren being manipulated by daughter

(13 Posts)
Nana49 Mon 02-Apr-18 12:56:19

I posted a while ago about looking after our grandchildren, so the situation has moved on a little. Over the last 2 months we were looking after our grandchildren who came to us because their mother was addicted to diazepham and has some mental health issues anyway. She asked us to have the children who are 2 & 4 years old.
She doesn't want to talk to me despite us asking her if she wanted to come and visit the children, she preferred to see the children at my mothers house, she has seen them about 4 times over the last couple of months.

The social services who are pretty dire in our area I have to say dragged their feet and only started an assessment about 2 weeks ago - only gave the opinion that the children should stay here as agreed with the health visitor and other professionals, despite us requesting an order to say the children live here at this time, they didn't put one in place saying they hadn't yet assessed the situation.

During a contact with my mother, my daughter decided she wanted to take the children home, and did so. We were told by Social services to call the our of hours team and police should this happen, which we did, however the police did a welfare visit and decided that all was ok.

However she is now not allowing us to see or speak to the children at this point, she has done this before when we raised an issue of domestic abuse from her then partner, she only said that this was happening after they separated and then she said there was a lot of domestic abuse. We have been consistently a part of the children's life - we see them overnight at least once a week, and a few times in the week. My daughter really struggles with the children and has numerous times rang me in a crisis saying I had to come now to collect the children as she can't deal with them. When we don't just go she really neglects them.

She has recently made allegations about us abusing the children and historic abuse on her, we feel very hurt that she has done this but also concerned for her mental well being, we think that this was a ruse to try to get the children backfired.
The Social services seem to be taking the long road with this situation, but we miss the children and are very worried about them, it seems like a cruel thing to do - without warning to take them out of a secure environment where everyone agreed they should stay, and then not allow us to see them, we are worried about them.

We have always picked the pieces up for my daughter with the children and think that she will not cope for long with them.

The out of hours social work team seem a bit useless and I don't mind admitting we are both feeling very upset with our daughter who seems to make decisions on a whim which no one seems bothered to do anything about. On top of that we don't want to support her any more, we didn't have to have the children and we sure as hell didn't expect her to accuse us of abuse!! It just seems the social services don't take it seriously, suggesting that it is a relationship issue between us and her, it just surprises me that no one seems to be looking at what she is doing to her children.
Does anyone have similar experiences?

Madgran77 Mon 02-Apr-18 13:02:44

How old are your grandchildren?

Nana49 Mon 02-Apr-18 13:03:51

age 4 & 2 years Madgran77

Nonnie Mon 02-Apr-18 13:59:54

So sorry to hear this. I think SS seem to always side with the mother. I am sure others will have some useful advice.

Nana49 Mon 02-Apr-18 15:39:48

Nonnie thank you

Situpstraight Mon 02-Apr-18 15:46:09

I hope a GNer will be able to offer you some advice, mental health issues are always so difficult and with the state of our SS I fear that you won’t get a quick solution to this.

Good luck to you.

Telly Mon 02-Apr-18 15:49:12

Do understand that you don't want to support your daughter any more but at the end of the day she is the children's mother and this will never change. The only thing you can do is leave the door ajar and see what happens. I guess that as you say she soon will not be able to cope with them but only time will tell. The children did not ask for any of this so the only thing you can do is to take the action that you think will give them the most stability and love, which will probably mean having some sort of relationship with their mother. Good luck.

Nonnie Mon 02-Apr-18 16:15:19

I don't know if this would work but why not write a letter to the SS? Once they have it in writing perhaps they will feel they must do something for fear of being caught out if it all goes wrong.

Antonia Mon 02-Apr-18 16:31:04

Agree with Nonnie here in that writing is better. What sort of neglect are you talking about with the children? Are they fed and clothed adequately? Do they have regular activities in place such as a nursery, or is your daughter looking after them full time?

Jane10 Mon 02-Apr-18 16:34:14

I agree with Nonnie put this in writing and copy to local councillor?

Grammaretto Mon 02-Apr-18 16:47:20

I feel so sorry for you all. I agree that a letter works better than most things - and don't give up. If SS realise you are serious and it isn't a relationship issue, perhaps someone will see sense and refer this to a higher authority who isn't quite such a dimwit.
If the worst comes to the worst and the children are fostered by someone else, it might be easier for you to have contact than if they remain with their mother.

Nana49 Mon 02-Apr-18 20:35:13

By neglect I mean my daughter is unpredictable & frequently has 'lows' during these times they don't get fed or changed & are just left to it whilst she shuts herself in the kitchen. Its at these times that she will ring (often when I'm in the middle of a working day) & demand we collect the children or she threatens to leave them & go out, or drive her car out (she's only a learner & has gone out on her own completely wrecked before now).
To be honest I'm completely exhausted with trying to help with no support ourselves. I know she doesn't realise the stress & chaos she creates around her, I just feel like she has to learn how to manage herself without calling every other day.
We miss the children so much as she has now cut us off & we are so worried about their safety.

Feelingmyage55 Mon 02-Apr-18 23:14:37

I wonder how old your daughter is and whether there is a partner who is offering some stability. Do you give your daughter financial support as well as your time and emotional support. It sounds a sad and frustrating situation. Perhaps as the children get older and spend more time at school she will cope better. I hope that you all get some more help soon.