Spending money

We are in the OUR money camp. I was a stay at home Mum for a while, sometimes he earned more, sometimes it was me, it didn't matter. We both buy what we need, discuss the big stuff and enjoy mutual trust and harmony.

We each have a personal account, apart from these we have a joint account into which we pay a fixed sum every month to cover utility bills, insurances, mooring fees for our boat, DH's trade union dues etc., all of which are paid by direct debit from that account.

We both know all the details of our finances, I deal with paying the household expenses and decide how much money we can afford for that each month.

Any major expense, or indeed any expense that cannot be paid from our joint account or the housekeeping is discussed in full before one of us uses the money.

Our bank loan and mortgage for the house is DH's business to cope with, as I freeze when confronted by sums of money with lots of noughts, but again I know all the details, just as he knows what our utilities, insurances and housekeeping amount to.

I don't know that this will be of any help to you, as I suspect your DH feels that as he earns or earned more than you, he is in charge of money matters. But like most of the others, I hope you know what he is doing with the rest of his money!

Rosie, think of it this way how can you relax and enjoy your well deserved retirement if you put all your money in the joint account and your dh questions your every withdrawal?

Don't put yourself in that position. It is always harder to get out of a bad position. Best not to do it in the first place.

Tell him it is your money and you will contribute some to joint but will in fact be having it paid into an account in your own name,

Do not let him bully you in any way, shape or form. Stand firm now and put yourself in a position to enjoy your retirement.

you want it so that if he has £100 to himself then you too should expect the same. Actually, on reflection, I agree with this. Well said holdingontometeeth.

Rosie this does not sound very fair to me. You could pay the same proportion of your pensions into joint account and then keep the rest for personal use. Your dh sounds a bit controlling. You have every right to use your own money as you wish but I would want to contribute to household bills as I would not want to be kept woman. My dh and I have separate bank accounts where our own money is paid in each month but we also have a joint account. we both pay in a set amount each month to pay household bills. I pay slightly less than my dh because he earns more but equal percentage of earnings. I am a saver and tend to hoard up my money where he spends more freely on a weekly basis. We pay half each for holidays and my children's gifts and always have. If we lend any of the children money it is always jointly, and they always repay us. It works for us. We have never once argued about money. We are very lucky to be comfortable though and so this makes life easier. I can see how couples with very little money might argue occasionally about spending it.

We sat down, worked out all our bills e.g. Mortgage, gas, insurance and so on and x amount of our shared money went into that account, then we agreed on how much personal spendo's we should each have and that goes into our individual accounts, hubby gets x amount extra in his account to cover petrol and food ( he is slightly better with money than me lol) then anything left goes into savings. Hubby does all the transferring of money once a month and it works quite well for us. Hubby likes to have a 'safety' net of money so I know he wouldn't overspend. I am more of a 'we will have more coming in in a week or two', so am happy to let him take charge ( with me looking over his shoulder of course).

We have never done mine and yours money we have always had an our money attitude and it has always worked for us

My first husband was very much like the OP's but when he queried me paying my car tax 2 days after my salary was paid into the joint account I went to the bank next day to open an account in my name only for my salary to be paid into.
With myhusband now we have separate accounts. I would never have a joint account with him because he spends money too easily. When we first moved abroad he wasn't of pensionable age so I paid the lion's share of the bills but now he has much more pension money than me he pays the bulk of the bills. He leaves me to deal with everything and I am quite happy to do so.

When we retired I did a budget of all our monthly outgoings including food bills, split in in half and I give my husband my contribution monthly directly into his bank account. Apart from that we're very relaxed, we both have separate accounts which our various work and state pensions go into and also keep our savings separate. As regards extras it varies, sometimes my husband pays for stuff, sometimes me. I have always been financially independent with lots of hobbies and my husband is the same. It works very well for us. We are not wealthy but comfortable and can have some treats. I never take it for granted and feel very grateful. I hope you will find the strength to fight your corner on this one, your husband sounds unreasonable and controlling.

I have always handled all our finances, and my husband has been very pleased to let me do so. Ironically, he has a degree in Economics!
I have been beginning to worry about how he would handle everything if he was the one left. I have tried to set up everything clearly, and we have set up powers of attorney. I've also got a book with details of bank accounts, pensions, savings account, insurance policies, car details, telephone, internet, etc etc., and try to keep it up to date. I make sure that other family members know where this is.

We decided to merge in our late forties after a conversation about the inevitable.
I manage all the money and the bills. We now have the opposite problem that if something happens to me DH won’t even know how to access his own money. He’s not bothered either... works for me!

My own situation I joint account and all in together as others, but that is not really relevant to your situation as, despite having a joint account, your husband is not paying all his income into there! Does he have another account? Is that his "spending money"? On the basis of this arrangement you are absolutely entitled to have a proportion of your own income also kept separate from the joint account. If he queries it, ask why your circumstances should be different to his!! In my view you have to clearly draw a line on this one, and insist you have a proportion for you. If you don't I suspect things will get worse for you as you both get older! And querying your spending ...assuming that you are not going beyond budget and what can be afforded ...them what the heck is that about? What a cheek! Sorry, I know he is you husband but ...really????

We have always had a joint account into which all our income goes both when we were working and now retired. We each have a personal account too for things like hobbies, clothes, haircuts etc etc.

We discuss savings priorities and put money in various savings accounts at the beginning of the month to cover house, cars and holidays. We leave enough in our joint current account to cover household bills and emergency funds plus a buffer and enough to cover the joint credit card bill which has our food and fuel costs on it for the previous month. We also get exactly the same amount each month to cover personal spending money. At the moment it is £200 each a month.

Any large expenses come out of the current account buffer or emergency funds but we discuss these first. It is unusual for these large expenses to be for anything personal unless they are for a gift for a birthday or Christmas or anything.

When I was first married we had a joint account But second time around we both have our own and a joint for the bills which we both pay into. DH still has a moan sometimes how I spend my own money ( when he knows the details! ) but he gets short shrift !

My husband and I have mostly joint accounts, apart from ISAs and I have my own smaller current account.

Most financial transactions go into the joint account, and all bills paid from there.

I use my own account for small luxuries and special items, otherwise we use the main current account.

We all do what we think is right and works for us as a couple, don't we? However, what concerns me about Ramblinrose's post is how it comes across as her DH being quite controlling by querying any withdrawals she makes from the account and by wanting her to put all her money in the joint account whereas he doesn't do the same. If he insists on having a separate account of his own as well as the joint one, then Ramblingrose needs to do the same. He can't expect it both ways with him having all the control.
By the way, those pensions are yours, not your "allowance*, and because your DH does come across as rather controlling (forgive me if I'm wrong), then you would be wise to put a percentage of it into your own account in fact have it all paid into your own account and set up a direct debit for which ever percentage you feel right to go into the joint account. You then have total control of your pension if ever you need to, i.e, direct debits can be amended/cancelled as necessary. Good luck.

" My " money is ours and DW's money is hers.
All bills are taken from our joint account.
DW has her own account into which her pensions are paid into.
Obviously with no bills to pay her account builds up, and when it does we decide where to move it, usually to another account in her name.
There has been several references to you paying in a similar percentage of your pension as your OH does.
I don't agree with this. If his pension is much larger than yours he is going to have far more money for himself than will be available to you.
you want it so that if he has £100 to himself then you too should expect the same.
I had, reading through the posts, intended to ask whether he bullied you in any other aspects of your life.
The fact that he can go a month without speaking to you if you don't conform speaks volumes for his personality, or lack of it.
DW often threatens to stop talking to me. I secretly set my watch to see how long she would last.
40 seconds was the quickest return to conversing, though this was extended when I said " You just cant help yourself, can you?! "
Meanness is a trait I can have no truck with, and it is not a description that has been attributed to me by others, though I have had many unflattering comments beside.

My husband and I have a joint account which at present I don't pay any money into. Both of us have our own separate bank accounts, although my husband doesn't really use his. When we first got married, I use to have my wages paid into the joint account but I stopped this when dh started to question what I was spending the money on . When we both retire I am planning to pay by direct debit half the household costs except for food, which I already contribute towards now, into the joint account. My advice is for you to keep your own bank account and decide on an amount you wish to contribute to household costs, paid into the joint account. I personally like to have my own money that I can spend how I wish.

The other day my 7 year old DGD told me she had bought a hairband 'with her own money'. It's very basic to our self worth. You should have your own account and your pension should go into that.

Rambling Rosie
It is an ideal situation for many to have a joint account and if the shoe fits then wear it. How many though will give thought to what if ? One being when one of the holders passes away. What then.? There are common misconceptions regarding ownership of what is in the account..Having to answer questions put you by HMRC is a task in its self ?
Once bitten with all it entailed, from a joint account with my own mother, I made sure when my husband, with whom I had a joint account became ill with a no hope for condition I would get professional advice .Fortunately he had made a will several years previous but a visit to my a solicitor gave me the information I needed where our joint account was concerned and what action to take. Anyone with the intention for a joint account think twice. Leave no stone unturned, do your homework before entering into any agreement.

Married 38 years and never had a joint account. We shared household bills equally and paid half each for holidays, but have always had our own money to spend as we wish. I worked for 44 years and don't need to check with my OH if I want to buy something!

I was as well educated as my husband but, as he was in the armed forces, I had no chance, with more than 30 moves, to build up any pension rights of my own even though I worked when I could. Thank God he doesn't argue about' our' money.. Yes, I reckon I earned it, too. I really pity any Forces wives whose husbands are awkward

The issue that I'm struggling with here is that your OH wants you to put all of your pension income into the joint account, whereas he only puts part of his in. So he reserves an amount for his personal use to spend as he wishes without consulting you. What does he not understand about the word 'equality'?
And how dare he question how you spend your own money? An allowance? No, don't ask for an allowance, because to do so implies the money is under his control and he is 'allowing' you some. Instead calculate all the household expenses, including groceries, and then pay in half to a joint household account. Anything left over - for either of you - stays in your personal account to do as you please with.
Good luck, I hope you resolve this thorny issue.

Every April at the start of the financial year when everything goes up, I make a list of all the household bills, water, gas etc. I work out the cost to each of us per month and we both put in the same to a joint account or what I call the bills account. All other money is kept separately in our own private accounts to do with as we like. We do not have to ask each other if it’s OK to buy whatever, that would drive me up the wall. I have learnt from bitter experience in the past not to put all eggs in one basket. This has worked for us. No discussions or arguments. If we wanted to buy a large item eg washing machine, we both contribute half each from our private accounts. This chap sounds far too controlling and I would certainly not stand for it.

You queried an extravagant expenditure your husband made and he didn't speak to you for a month?
A MONTH?

I'm sorry Rosie, but I think this issue is just the tip of the iceberg regarding your husband's attitude to you.