Spending money

Maybe you wouldn't buy him any!!

We've always had own accounts and a joint one which works for us.
I am a careful shopper, but if I didn't have my own account to spend as I wish I doubt that I would feel I could spend on anything other than household. How would you pay for his birthday and Xmas gifts if you have to ask first?

Your husband's approach to money sounds Victorian, as though 'the little woman' needs someone to take charge and of course, it would be him. What right does he have to ask you what you do with money you withdraw from your bank account? Is he controlling in other aspects of your life? I notice you ask if you should "insist on having an allowance to spend as you like". How have you managed that till retirement?

What does he do with the portion of his income that doesn't go into the joint account?

It sounds as though a sit down with a cup of tea, or discussion when out for a walk is needed here.

Should you insist you have an allowance!!! - an allowance from your OWN money!!! What madness is this?

Joint account from Day One, which I have always mostly managed, as at the start I was the only one who had an income as OH was still a student.

It all ticks along merrily and we discuss any proposed big expenditure that either of us might have in mind.

Works for us.

I could not abide a partner checking up on what I spend, as in OP's case, but if he does that sort of thing, maybe I would not want to have a joint account with him!

If he only puts part of his in the account you could do the same. Did you have the same thing happening when your earnings were coming in - all yours and part his?
If he asks what you spend money on it does sound a bit controlling.
I have never had a joint account, with either ex hubby or my partner now. We just each pay for certain things and share larger amounts. I would always have to have some money of my own, just as OH has (and neither of us know each others balances).

We have never had separate bank accounts since we’ve been married, even when we were both working, and I have never been expected to ask if I wanted to spend anything, although there is always discussion about larger expenditures. Neither of us is given to profligacy, so it has always worked well. DH’s pension situation is far better than mine - if I had to live on my pension I would be on my uppers now. The only thing we have not agreed about recently is savings. He wants to lock money up long term and I want a “suck it and see” approach. My mother couldn’t spend a penny without my father’s permission - and he didn’t often give his permission. It didn’t make for a happy relationship.

Joint account here, ever since we married. There have been times over the years when he's earned more, I've earned more, one of us hasn't worked etc, etc. Now he has more pension and I can't have my state pension till I'm 66, but I'll catch up eventually. We have never argued about money (plenty of other things, but never that ). I really think the more it becomes a case of my money / your money instead of our money, the more potential for trouble there is.

Work out the percentage of his pension that he is paying into the joint account and pay the same proportion of yours into it as well. Than open your own account for the rest.
I imagine that he has always queried your spending so he isn’t going to change anytime soon.

My DH and I had one joint account. It wasn't my money or his money it was OUR money. Neither of us felt we had to ask permission to spend money. It never crossed our minds to have separate accounts

We share our money too. We trust each other to spend it wisely. We discuss major purchases. I feel able to treat myself if I wish to. DH encourages me to. However I am naturally a cautious spender!

Meant to say, we discuss major purchases.

My Mum told me to have my own account ,OH was ok with this and it worked for us . We have a joint account and the utilities paid from it, we share who pays for other expenses and he never queries my spending . I feel my small pension is well earned and it is often spent more on extras as my treat

We also have ‘our money’ and have never questioned each other’s expenditure apart from, like kitty, major purchases.

This works for us and no need for separate accounts.

I’m with janeainsworth we don’t have his and her money just “our” money . We pay all the bills between us and if there’s anything left then we trust each other other to spend it fairly .

RamblingRosie if you don’t make a stand now and insist you have a reasonable small private allowance your DH will always be the one in control. Even if he gets narky about you doing this, he will eventually get over it.

My dear old Mum advised me on getting married that I always needed a separate account as well as a joint one and this has stood me in good stead.

We have 'our'money too. I have only worked for DH (at home mostly) and we have never had separate accounts.

We discuss major purchases but nothing else.

I wouldn't be happy to operate the way things are with you, ramblingrose. Has your DH always seen things as his and yours?

We've got joint and personal accounts pensions paid into personal accounts both pay the same amount into the joint account as our pensions are similar for bills. Extra expenses are shared we've never argued about money it's worked for us this way.

We also have always had a joint account, works for us, neither of us have every queried withdrawals etc., or ever had a "whats going on with our account" conversation.

We have always had one joint account. Never his or hers. Never any bother either.

We have a joint account, and a personal account each. Irrespective who earns/does what, money is shared as we are a team. We try to live on 60% of our total income, 20 % is put into our long term savings, 10 % put into an emergency pot and we each have 5% to spend exactly as we like without having to ask/explain to each other. Works for us, we don’t have any debt as we save for what we want and we’re not high income either. All money to us is family money.

As with our salaries when we were working, all our pension income goes into a joint account. My pension income is OK but my husband's pension is very much larger than mine. But he has never expected me to ask him if I want to buy something. If either of us wanted to make a significant purchase, we would discuss it before going ahead.

I realise that other people have different ways of arranging their finances but this has, in the main, worked for us.

I would be very upset if my husband queried withdrawals I have made.

My feeling is that, as partners, you should both have roughly the same amount of money at your disposal once all the bills have been paid.

We shared everything from the day we married. When I gave up work to have the children ( and didn't go back), we carried on just the same, everything shared. Now I get an occupational pension, it goes into the joint account, as does OH's state and private pensions. We have similar spending habits - moderate - so neither of us has ever had concerns about the other's spending.
OH recognises that by me giving up work to raise the children and look after the home, his quality of life was higher than if I'd returned to work. Meals ready, chores done, nothing for him to worry about on the domestic front. He's never had to stay home with a sick child, take them to swimming lessons, dash round the supermarket after work. So more free time for him and us as a family. The downside of that is that my pension is smaller than his - but we have contributed equally overall in different ways.
Does OH have a problem with your spending? Does he want to keep more of his money for himself, if so why? Of course you should be able to dip into the joint account, I think he's being rather mean. Taken to extremes, if he could afford to go on holiday and you couldn't, would he go without you or with someone else? I really don't understand that way of thinking, though sadly, it seems quite common.

We two are one.
Every bit of our income goes into one pot and we pay all our bills from there. We discuss everything and know exactly where we stand financially and both know that neither of us would be profligate or unfair. It works for us.
We don't have enough spare to go nuts with anyway but thankfully we do live comfortably enough.

Rosie, what percentage of your DH's private pension goes into your joint account? It sounds as if he is putting some of his pension elsewhere. If he is, then I suggest it is only fair that you put a similar proportion into your own private account.

I think you need to sit down with your DH and agree maximum sums you both should be able to withdraw from your joint account without having to justify it. It sounds as if your DH's attitude to your spending is already beginning to rankle. I think you need to take equal joint responsibilty for managing your finances together. However, many couples seem to be happy with different arrangements, you and your DH need to find your happy medium. It may take a bit of 'negotiation' on your part though. It's important that you both enjoy your retirement together without niggles about control of finance.