Spending money

Saggi Your story reminds me of a girl I worked with. Her husband controlled the money and would give her a set amount in the morning out of which she had to buy the groceries and her lunch, if there was anything left over. I lost count of the number of times I "accidentally" bought too much lunch and passed it on to her - otherwise she would have gone hungry all day. Together with another work colleague we helped her to stand up to him and eventually she left him and lived a much happier life.

I'm so thankful we have joint money and my husband never queries what I spend as I keep control of the bills etc. It reminds me of what's great about our relationship especially as in rough spots you can forget these things and escalate small problems!

We've always had a joint bank account and like other posters we don't query one another's purchases. If it's an expensive item we discuss it first.

Mr. S. who is retiring this year has a far greater personal pension than me and it's going into our 'pot' along with my much smaller one when the time comes.

Regrettably, I doubt you can change his attitude now. You should have put your foot down long before now.

Saggi I could not believe what I was reading about your dreadful OH . How on earth has he managed to hold onto you all these years? He certainly doesn't deserve you - he doesn't deserve anyone with that shocking attitude. Please get out, if you haven't already - there is a whole world of freedom out there - freedom from control and freedom to arrange your own life the way you want it .

I have my own account for my pension/AA, but transfer some to our joint account weekly to pay for my share of joint bills. DH is the main name on joint account, as he is the person with the larger income, but if we run short in a given month, we either transfer from our savings account or from one account to the other. Works well for us,

My husband has always been a bit of a control freak where money is concerned. When we first married we had separate accounts and shared the household costs, it’s so long ago that I can’t remember how we divided it up. However after I left work to bring up children, at my suggestion we got a joint account. Obviously with only one earner in the household and a large mortgage, money was tight. At that point I had a lot of flack from him about spending money. I knew money was tight so I was very careful but he still queried everything I spent, he monitored carefully how much we spent on electricity, gas, telephone etc. If I wrote a check (no credit cards then) he wanted to know what it was for. We had many arguments over money I can tell you. None the less I was extremely careful about what/how I spent because I knew how tight money was. Eventually, after ten years I went back to full time work. Immediately he wanted to revert to separate bank accounts because he earned a great deal more than I did, and he wanted us to share expenses. I refused on the grounds that this was simply a way of controlling me and limiting my spending. We had a few arguments over that but I never gave way. I was sharing my money with him and felt he should share his with me. But I did pay for driving lessons and learnt to drive which we’d not been able to afford before. He didn’t like my driving instructor (I’ve no idea why) and complained incessantly about him, and I should have passed my test by now blah blah blah. I ignored him. When I passed my test he very happily helped me choose my first car.
We has regular arguments about money, but I paid my way, sharing my money with him, helping through the shared account to buy our house, holidays, pay children’s school and university fees, buy food etc. Now we are retired, we still have our shared account, we still share expenses, and he still has a pension more than twice mine. Plus both our state pensions (and even that is ten pounds a week bigger than mine, because he just went into the new scheme, and I missed out on it by exactly three weeks!) and everything goes into the joint account. We have other accounts ISAs, and others for savings etc. I still have regular nagging, I apparently spend too much, and want too many holidays. We have occasional arguments about money where he still wants us to have separate accounts, because he knows I would have far less than him every month. Sometimes as a result of these arguments he sulks for a few days, but I let him get on with it.
The thing is, I know in some ways he is selfish, but I’m not perfect either. Overall, he’s been a good husband and an excellent father. He can’t do enough for his children and grandchildren. He has always been quite generous with gifts for me at birthdays and Christmas. He looks after the garden, house maintenance, car maintenance (mine and his, and our children’s too) helps with household cleaning, cooks, does a massive amount for my elderly mother, fixes things in our children’s houses, and loves his family. His ‘thing’ is money, I have had to stand up to him and assert myself for our whole marriage over money, but I just think everyone has their faults.
So I would say to the OP please, please, stand up to your husband, sometimes it leads to some unpleasantness, but you cannot allow yourself to be dominated in such a way. There are many useful suggestions on here for how you could go forward, choose one of them, and stick to it, no matter how unpleasant he may be. You must be able to spend money and have some independence. Good luck.

Just a point regarding joint accounts. My husband and I had only joint accounts and when he died it made finances so much easier. It is worthwhile considering this. Many women are left temporarily penniless on the death of their spouse and have to jump through hoops to sort things out.

Saggi, your story is horrific.

Are you still married to this awful man?

In a supporting and loving relationship you should both be happy to agree how money is divvied up.
So if he has say £400 spends at the end of the month and your pension is £200 then he should be paying £100 of his pension into your account so that you both have £300 each to spend as you wish.
My DH doesn’t spend much on himself as his interests are inexpensive so I tend to spend more than him on fun things.

Ditto.

We had two joint accounts; DH's pension went into one, and mine (about a third of DH's) went into the other. Standing orders, direct debits all paid from DH's pension plus spending money, meals out for both of us. My pension paid for food, presents and other extras. It seemed to work ok for us and we never had any arguments about money. So long as there was enough money for bills neither of us questioned what the other one spent, it's always been OUR money.

thats dear not dead ...........blast this fat finger disease

firstly are you of sound mind and body
secondly do you pay your way
if the answer to the above is YES then tell him to naff off, such Dickensian attitude is out of place in the 21st century

question 3 he does know its the 21 century does he not?

question 4 I am unfamiliar with the abbreviations. In the case of this man is the last work of DH "HEAD"?

If I took such an attitude with my wife I have strong suspicion that parts of my body I hold dead may appear in the dogs dinner

We always kept our monies separate. When we married he had a flat (with a mortgage) and I had savings. We had one joint account into which we put monetary gifts from our wedding and those monies were spent on the household things such as carpets. When we bought a house, he put the money from the sale of his flat into it and I put a large chunk of my savings into it. He paid the mortgage, insurance and household bills, and gave me housekeeping for food etc. (and was always pleased that I seemed to make it go a long way!). I paid for holidays, everything to do with the car, and things to do with our two children plus anything I needed myself. I insisted on taking over paying the telephone bill after he complained about the amount I was spending on phoning my elderly widowed mum as I thought that was only fair. He sadly died before retirement a number of years ago.

Well done Saggi. I can see how empowered you now feel, and no doubt you are seeing your tyrant through different eyes. A socially inept bully.

We have always had separate accounts. At a couple of points I was only earning a pittance, so DH paid for everything, but once I was earning we added up the utilities, council tax and mortgage and each paid a proportion according to our incomes. On top of that I did the shopping and paid for food, household items, whilst he paid for gardening, DIY materials. As my salary increased I took on more eg holidays.
Eventually we set up a joint account for the bills, mainly so that if one of us becomes incapacitated or dies, the other can cope more easily.
We still have our own accounts and each spend or save whatever we each want, within our means, no questions asked. I can’t imagine it any other way.

Madgran77. It is because emotionally we have invested so much into this person who has led us to believe we are the love of their life. We are hooked, get married, have a family and everything that develops is so subtle. You become trapped in a world of their making and have children to consider who need their father as much as you "need" your husband. Believe me, until you are forced to step outside you cannot see the truth. I am an intelligent woman who had a responsible job. It's all like a form of hypnosis. You will be a non person without your partner/husband. It's hard to see but until my awakening I suppose I would have been sceptical too.

We each have our pension paid into our own account. We each put money every month into a joint account to pay all household expenditure, the rest is ours to do with as we like. If we need to pay for anything major we'll split it between us.
Simples!

If I were you saggi I would be on my bike! That is intolerable, and I am sorry that you have to put up with this attitude.

Very well done Saggi for standing up to your controlling husband. I wish a few other GN members would do the same, it is never too late.

We only have our money.

If he only puts part of his pension in the joint account then you should put the same proportion of yours. I don't understand how he can ask you to put it all in when he has money for himself not available to you. This will also give you the advantage that if he questions something you pay for from that account you just say well my money paid for that.

I use to say that and my husband use to say, I wish my money went as far as yours.

I have always had a separate account to my DH. He has always earned more than me, and has more pension than me. He pays all the major bills and large purchases, I pay for the food bills, petrol and household/garden essentials.

Each of us spends what we want to after all expenses are met, and we don't watch what the other is spending on. If either of us are short one month, we just say so and share our money. He often treats us to meals out, clothing and pays for our yearly holiday.

I guess we have a balanced lifestyle where neither partner calls the shots or makes the other feel defensive or awkward.

I am truly wondering why some posters are still with their partners after what some have described...it really upsets me hearings about the incredible manipulation, bullying, controlling, coercion , undermining and so on that some people are putting up with. Truly shocking and made worse because so many know what is happening is wrong, are desperately unhappy and seem to have accepted their lot, maybe with a little rebellion managed ..which is at least a start, not easy, and well done those who have!!

I have worked all our marriage apart from two and half years when I had my kids tiny. All my eat I gs were paid I to a joint account and my husband decided how and when it was spent.I had no allowance ...no spends.... and if I needed even new knickers I had to ASK for money to buy them . He would ask for the receipt and any change there might be. It’s been like that all our marriage. I did t e en know women had their own accounts until I was talking to a friend . She was astounded by my situation. I felt shamed by his attitude to me and ashamed of myself for letting it happen! When I got my state pension at 63 years old I put it I to a solo account he went ballistic. Called me all the wicked names under the sun and totally amazed me with the verbal abuse he dropped on me! I have been stronger this this and have felt like I e been released from prison. I am totally proud of myself . I will never be dominated by a man again. A woman NEEDS financial independence..... so keep your pension and keep your self respect!