Paternal Nannie

Young mothers can feel overwhelmed by relatives crowding in. I have 2 sons and 2 daughters 10 grand children. Maternal grandmothers are always closer. That's the way it is. A mil should always be helpful on the terms a mothers wants. She should not feel crowded or o obligated. Jealousy is7 the worst emotion. Some of the children i hardly see but when. I do its lovl ey. I know its easy for me but each family has its own dynamic. Your relationship with your dil should not be one of expectations. You will drive e a wedge. Love and enjoy what you v
Get and more will come. Mothers.
Can And will shut the door if you push it

We are 200 miles from our DGC. We drove up once the baby arrived. The new parents had more than enough to cope with during labour without a lot of spare grandparents getting in the way. Second time around, the other Grandma, who lives a few miles away, looked after No 1, which she was already doing one day a week anyway.

In each case we booked into a hotel and went home after a couple of days. I think grandparents these days often have over inflated ideas about how important they are and I can quite understand it when new parents want some clear water around themselves while they adjust to their new or expanded family.

When I had children I welcomed grandparents to visit as soon as they could to see their new and much loved grandchildren, but then I wanted them to go home and leave me and DH to adjust to our new life together and alone - and that is exactly what they did.

I haven't read all the comments, but don't want you to be upset thinking you are left out. You want to be a part of gs life picking him up from nursery these last few days but remember for his mother and your Dil this is her last week's to pick him up as her only child? If it was me I would want to make the most of our remaining days as mother and son before the new baby comes and wouldn't want to have to host and share with either Grandma? I am sure you will be asked to help more with gs when new baby is born but let the mum have her last week's with her son without being upset and hurt. Remember she is probably hormonal and worrying about him being left out so wanting to make the most of their time together?

I agree with BlueBelle things are rarely as perfect as we would think. Accept what your daughter in law wants, its their life and family. We want our children to be independent and able to cope with life so allow them to do that.
I too have been saddened by all the estrangement issues on GN. Grandparents should have their own lives and interests as well as helping the family when needed.

I find, as a paternal GM, that after my Dil had her second baby, I was needed more. GM1 couldn't cope!

Are you saying you have gone ahead and booked a lodge anyway,despite what your daughter in law said?

If so then I think you need to tread carefully here. As others have said, it will be obvious to your family that you won't stay in the lodge during the day, but will want to be with them for most of the time.

This is despite daughter in law telling you she will be fine (would prefer to be) on her own.

My son has married an American girl and they live in Colorado. They have two children now, aged 3 1/2 and 1, obviously I rely on Skype to keep in touch. I became aware that my grandson did not know who I was when we skyped, after all, he was only 1 when he last met me. So when I went to visit last summer when my new granddaughter was 6 weeks old ( I felt that was early enough to visit for two weeks!) I set myself two objectives! One was to help my DIL get into a routine with the baby by nursing her after she was breast fed while her mummy had a nap - this worked well and my DIL was delighted with my help. My other objective was that my grandson would get to know me so that in future Skype calls, he would relate to me. This also worked well and now when we call each week, he enjoys chatting to me and showing me his toys, I am no longer a stranger on the phone! His other grandmother lives close by so obviously sees them frequently but she was really tactful when I was visiting to keep away, allowing me the space to be alone with my family.

I just wish I could see them more often so I could have cuddles and hugs from them but I have to make the best of the situation. I am really anxious about flying so I am not sure when I will go again, I will probably send them the money for them to visit me!

I wanted to be needed too, but it seems I am not. I'm the paternal grandmother and absolutely adore my little granddaughter. I get on pretty well with her mother, who is doing a fantastic job, but I'd so love to be more involved. I kind of feel a bit hurt and as if I'm not trusted or something, which I think is silly and a bit childish of me really, but I can't seem to help feeling like this. I keep having to give myself a stern talking to! I think I might be in danger of annoying my son's partner, who is a lovely person who I really like, if I keep harping on about wanting to see more of the baby and offering to mind her and so on, which is something I want to avoid, but it isn't easy. The baby is now in a day nursery 3 days a week since her Mum went back to work part time, and I do feel a bit hurt that she's there and not with me for some of that time. We don't live far away. I know I can't do anything about this, since it's the parents' decision, but I can't help feeling a bit cast aside, really. I'm trying very hard not to be so stupid, as I would be devastated if I caused any kind of falling out with the baby's mother.

Adding to what others have said. Four of my grandchildren live a long way from me and have grandparents living close by that they see frequently but I AM the fun grandma- who they only see now and again so naturally we do lots of fun things! My others who live close by get the “parenting” granny. “No we can’t go to zoo etc we need to do shopping/cleaning/homework etc. You get the picture?

My own children had grandparents in Scotland where we lived but my own mother lived in England and they formed more of a bond with her than the granny on the doorstep.

It really is HOW you are rather than proximity

Spending time and doing ordinary things – collecting them from nursery, pushing the swing in the park, reading a bedtime story – with your grandchildren is a joy and a privilege. Sometimes, the joy and privilege is postponed when there is a newborn addition to the family and this can be for any number of reasons. Unless you are very, very old, you are likely have a lot of years to spend with both your grandchildren; it doesn't all have to happen instantly.

I was present when my first grandchild was born but didn't meet the next two until she was three and he was two. Then when the next two came along, I didn't meet them until they were three and two. I was around for the birth of number five, but because I lived far away I didn't see him again until he was two and very shy about strangers – and I was, of course, a stranger. By the time number six was born, I was living in the same country as my daughter and her family. But all my grandchildren have a loving and joyous relationship with me – and I with them. Just make the most of the time you do have with them and both they and you will find that immensely rewarding.

I always used to tell my children " Take what you get, and don't get upset". It applies to almost all situations, including the grandparenting one. I have GCs with my son and my daughter - the amount of time spent is different but I never complain or worry about it. I take what I get, and I don't get upset !

If your DS and DiL feel they can cope that’s good surely. The more routine and normal things are for your DGS the better and easier it is for him to accept the new family setup.

My DD2 has a great deal of support from her parents in law as DGD is their only grandchild but we still picked her up occassionally from nursery for a treat and now take her out and have her for sleep-overs. To her, we are the special treat GPs not the routine, everyday ones. It works well that way. Enjoy your GC and just be there if needed. Its not worth stressing over.

I have never experienced this sort of competition either. I think your DIL could perhaps be more thoughtful to you? Certainly her mother should realise that you are both equal grandparents?

I always make sure my ‘other half’ is included as much as me with the grandkids. When my youngest had hers I picked up her mother in law and brought her to the hospital. She kept behind me asking is she could hold baby after me.
who had first cuddle didn’t matter to me but to her it meant everything as it was her first. So I just stepped aside.

I am appalled at how selfish people can be (reading on here) a little more consideration would solve all the jealousy issues.

But OP. just bite your tongue for time being. Am sure with two little ones running about your help will be much appreciated in the future.

The title of the thread says it all really - paternal nannie. Your posts suggest you feel sidelined, or less valued and involved than the maternal grandmother. There are so many similar threads on gransnet, suggesting a competitive relationship between the grandparents.
Often times, the maternal grandmother and daughter in law are seen as the villains of the piece.
Remember the power of positive thinking and try not to dwell in self pity

Thomsnannie you say you are not being competitive but refer to the maternal/paternal grandparent hot potato

I am afraid your posts all exude competitiveness and feeling you are playing less of a role in your DGCs’ lives than their other granny.

Once a week is pretty good going and there is the risk that if you upset your DIL it may become less frequent. You will have to be patient and perhaps cultivate other interests as you do seem a tiny bit fixated on your role as a grandmother.

Granny Wars (even if they are only in your heart) are something to be avoided at all costs. We can only offer our services and they will be taken up or not.

I hope the new arrival appears safe and well,

Re the nursery pick ups. My DD and son in law have said they want to do the pickups next week as usual when DGD2 home as they don't want DGD1 to have too many different things happening to help her adjust to baby. Maybe that is why your DIL would prefer her mum to do it if she normally does it anyway. I am sure you will get loads of opportunities to see grandkids. Offer to cook a meal or do some shopping. I have just spent today doing my DDs garden so it is nice for her to sit out if able to in next few weeks.

I am sure your DIL and DS will value your help but I agree that maybe booking a lodge was a bit over the top if you only live 35 minutes away. Maybe they are trying to spare you the expense or they don't want to be inundated with visitors at the moment even if family.

My DGD2 is due to be delivered tomorrow too. My DD is having elected c section and paternal grannies is having our DGD1 as she looks after her Fridays anyway. We will have her Saturday so DD and son in law can spend the day at the hospital with DGD2. DD has to stay in a few days due to preeclampsia so she been in hospital for 10 days already. Luckily neither paternal grannie nor I are competitive grannies. DD and son in law make sure we each get equal access and all of us live within 5 minutes drive of each other. Makes life easy.

Well said, BlueBelle.

I think this maternal/paternal thing is awful there are so many threads about it now I have both boy and girls and have never felt that should make any difference if I m wanted for either I m there if not needed I get on with my own life I ve never seen it as a competition My first grandkids have another nan and grandad living round the corner I accept that they will have the strongest relationship with them One lot live near me and have no other grandparents so I m the main one for them The others have both sets of grandparents living away so it’s 50/50
I think we should all enjoy what we have but not base it on a Pollyanna view of wonderful family life it’s rarely like that in my opinion

All good wishes to you and your family for the safe arrival of your new grandchild
I am a paternal nana but really don't feel any sense of competitiveness with maternal grandma - honestly life's too short

Congrats on your imminent new gd. However, you do see your GC T - albeit not every day. Thank the Lord for that mercy! At least it's not once a year or just skype.

I have tried inviting them to outings we have planned. I have explained that I am here if she wants anything because I want to and because I want to help out.i don't think I am being competitive I sit in background if granny is about. Even when DIL apologises that grandson veers to granny as he sees her more. Anyway the sun is shining and I hope for a safe journey into the world of a little grand daughter.

Have you tried being honest with your dil. You’re offering to pick up your dgs, but does dil know it’s because you really want to. Or does she think you’re offering as a favour to be nice? Have you expressly told her you’d love to go on a family outing with them, or just vaguely suggested it as an option? Find something fun like a local farm or something then ask dil to choose a day you can all go (although this might be difficult if she’s nearing the end of her pregnancy) Some times we have to be really, really clear about what we want.

Your dil obviously values you as a part of her family, don’t let this build into a silly resentment. Maybe she just feels cheeky asking you for a favour? It’s different with your own parents.

I think you need to lose the competitive maternal vs paternal granny thing. You will only make yourself unhappy and risk hurt by overthinking every little word and deed. What you feel is perfectly natural, don’t get me wrong, it’s like sibling rivalry. But do you let it go or let it eat away at you?
Only you can decide.