Gender identification Etiquette

It's interesting to me that winter white knows two people who changed their first names because the new spouse didn't like their original name. The only people I know who have changed their first name, did so because they'd never felt it suited them. One waited until her parents were dead, the other talked it over with her parents and elected to use her given middle name.
As for titles, I am a Ms and use my original last name although I've been happily married for getting on 40 years. I've used "they" for a long time, largely to avoid using "he" to describe groups of people.
I've enjoyed being Madame and Ma'am in other countries and would like a similar generic name for women to be in use here.
as for getting gender identifying titles, I ask what people like to be called. Like maryeliza, I worked in an environment where it was common for children and adults with 'foreign' names to be given an English name, even one with no similarity at all to their given name. Thankfully, that doesn't happen any longer. We can make similar progress with gender identifying titles though - what about one title for everyone to simplyfy things. Ms maybe?

Sorry if I didn’t make myself clear, Elrel. Of course children wanting to play with other children would say ‘them’. To continue your example, a very small child wanting to play with an individual child Jack or Jill would automatically say ‘I want to play with him’ or ‘I want to play with with her’, and not make a mistake from a very young age, meaning, to me anyway, that gender pronouns are engrained.
I think that the OP was about pronouns rather than about Miss/Mrs/Ms, which is not an issue, and was not really much of one beyond a bit of scoffing when Ms was first introduced.
Repeat that this is not about deliberately ignoring people’s wishes but expecting tolerance of mistakes.

Elrel good post - the problem can be however that ’innocent’ mistakes are often anything but ... have you heard the one about the Tory councillor who innocently pressed share rather than delete with a filthy racist joke ( oh sorry HQ TAAT)

Winter - if a child wants to play with a group of other children they* can manage ''Can I play with them?' easily enough.

* meaning 'he or she'!

I think using the ‘wrong’ first name is a different issue - the transgender issue is all wrapped up with attitudes towards transgenderism. If someone is presenting as woman, is not impinging on women’s spaces and rights, then if someone misgenders them, I do have to wonder what is really going on. That’s very different from the wrong first name being used in a family ( although sometimes there is a hidden agenda there as well)

Maryeliza - I agree with you and the Society of Friends about dropping titles all together. It's very irritating to find so many online sites insist on a title. When I have to use one I put Ms but realised the pitfalls in the 1980s. As a teacher new to the school I wrote Ms Blank on the board as I introduced myself to the class.
A hand shot up 'You've left the r out of Mrs., Miss!' Said a helpful pupil.
Older pupils asked me why I used it and were satisfied with 'Miss means a woman is unmarried, Mrs. means she is married and Ms means it's no one else's business.' They got it!
Re pronouns, as far as I'm concerned a person can be 'she', 'he' or 'they' as preferred but shouldn't get upset at innocent mistakes. Deliberate mistakes are another matter.

I don’t think your comment is entirely fair wildswan. It’s not about being victimised, it’s about being polite. There are lots of easy ways of ensuring you use the preferred title or simply avoid using the wrong one. In everyday life, it’s generally easy. I remember years ago when people thought it was fine to say to eg an Asian person with a long name ‘I’ll just call you .....(some abbreviation) ‘ Said with a laugh and putting the other person in a difficult position. These days I can’t remember the last time that I heard such crass behaviour ( which frankly has racist overtones). When I’m meeting a colleague( of any ethnicity) for the first time with a ‘foreign’ name that I don’t know how to pronounce I simply ask them - it’s called being polite and is hardly rocket science. I do envy languages like French or Spanish with their Madame, Senora etc but even there, people have to get it right as to when Madamoiselle becomes Madame even when not married

Trouble is, they/them for individuals is intuitively wrong. Think how very early children learning to speak automatically get he/she right when talking to a man or a woman. It would take a very long time before ‘Pass they the butter’, came readily to the lips, and IMO unreasonable for offence to be taken.

It’s a bit like a person switching to using another first name, fairly common on marriage because spouse can’t stand the original name. The person’s own family find the change quite impossible despite trying valiantly, original name remains in use within the family and the person puts up with it reasonably cheerfully. No one regards it as any sign of lack of affection or disrespect. I know two cases of this.

So, yes I do think too much is made of this.

A few people just like to feel "victimised". How are we supposed to know what "title" they would like. Unfortunately they are the ones who make the most fuss and commotion until organisations give in to their demands.

Whilst married with three children I have been addressed as Miss - should I have taken offence at being labelled an unmarried mother?

I like what the Quakers do - they just refer to someone as Jane Smith. My general rule is to use the title the person themselves prefers - at work I’m Mrs ..... but other women prefer Ms. What usually happens at my work is that we check what title people want to be introduced by. So I suppose I’m saying find out off camera or in some other way their preferences It’s not just an issue for transgender people - many women don’t see why they should have to choose when man have the all purpose Mr. When it comes to using a pronoun, I try not to misgender, again to be polite. I did work once years ago with a transsexual woman and I always thought of her as female and had real respect for what she had been through and still went through in terms of harassment and discrimination. But I have to say that if a SI woman got out HIS penis in front of me in my woman only space, I would shout ‘get HIM out of here’ Basically I have no respect at all for TRA who treat biological women as obstacles in their way to world domination. Hummm - overall a tricky one