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Feeling guilty...

(21 Posts)
DSJNana2305 Sun 13-May-18 21:40:19

Hi, my daughter is 25 and a single parent to a 3 year old. She is struggling financial despite working 3 days a week, although its zero hours. She is in a downward spiral and in survival mode and is extremely stressed. I cannot relate to that because there was 2 of us and we both worked full time, although it was tough we had 2 incomes and each other.

I feel guilty when I buy myself things or go out as that is money she does not have. I buy my grand-daugher clothes and pay some of the rent as we are grantors, as well as helping her out with weekly food shopping or even giving her food.

She spends most of her weekends on her own, she does not drive and I feel pressured (my own pressure) to be there for her in all aspects.

how can I overcome feeling guilty?

agnurse Sun 13-May-18 22:02:42

Your daughter is an adult. She can't dictate how you spend your money. If she is truly in need, a referral to social services might be in order.

polyester57 Sun 13-May-18 22:22:06

I feel for you. This is a situation that any of us could find ourselves in. My daughter is married with two children but they have less money than we do to spend on themselves. I, too, feel guilty about spending on myself instead of the grandchildren. But, it is her life, I buy little things and give fairly generous amounts for birthdays and Christmas, but I can´t take on the financial responsibility for the whole caboodle. You don´t say how far you live from each other. Can you not offer to have your granddaughter over for the weekend so she can have time to go out? Unfortunately, life is hard for the single mother. Having a loving family helps but financially it will always be a struggle.

paddyann Sun 13-May-18 22:28:30

I understand the guilt ,I would do anything to help my daughter who suffers from several chronic health problems.I'm sure your mine doesn't expect you to give up your own life but if you're like me you'll be keen to involve her in things especially at weekends to save her struggling on her own. Could you make a point of asking her for a meal at some point every weekend? Either at your home or take a takeaway to hers and have some time to chat.
Sometimes thats all thats needed to make her feel wanted and cared for and you feel useful.This will pass and she'll come out the other side ,I'm sure she appreciates all you do for her .I also buy clothes and shoes etc for the grandchildren but its because I want to and get a lot of pleasure from it .If you cant afford it or feel she's imposing you have to tell her .

Maggiemaybe Sun 13-May-18 22:39:54

DSJNana, I’m really sorry for your situation, but you mustn’t feel guilty. You’re obviously a great mum, and are doing all you can for your daughter. Does she have friends nearby who can spend some time with her? Or siblings she can call on for company and support? Lack of money is one thing, but she sounds lonely, and that is so much worse.

Chewbacca Sun 13-May-18 22:45:33

Agnurse She can't dictate how you spend your money

The OP never said that her daughter dictates how she spends her money. She made that perfectly clear when she said "*^I feel pressured (my own pressure)^*. wish people would read the OP before they post

lemongrove Sun 13-May-18 23:19:33

DSJ I would feel the same tbh.
You are doing the best you can to help though, babysitting may give your DD a bit of time for herself now and then, and if you live near, invite them over for the day on Sat or Sun?

sodapop Mon 14-May-18 06:48:45

You are doing your best for your daughter DSJnana seems its a mother's lot to always feel guilty about something, you shouldn't.
As lemongrove said perhaps you could invite them over for the odd weekend or babysit for your grandchild so your daughter can go out. I don't think we should strive to make things perfect for our children, they have to live in the life they have. That doesn't mean you should not help of course.

illtellhim Mon 14-May-18 08:19:54

Your daughter never asked to be born. If she was the result of your loving relationship with your OH, then you should move heaven and earth to help her. Good Luck.

Greenfinch Mon 14-May-18 08:35:45

As your DGC is 3 he she/he is probably at nursery for part of the day.Could you have her for the rest of the day allowing your daughter to get a full time job? She might then feel happier and would have more companionship.

Panache Mon 14-May-18 08:49:31

I can well understand your feelings of guilt DSJ,it is a natural reaction to quite a sad situation.
Of course it is not at all nice knowing your young daughter is struggling so financially whilst also having a young child to rear with all the costs this brings.
However it would seem you are already helping out in several meaningful ways whilst,at the end of the day,you have been a hard worker and you too have a life to live.

It hurts knowing your daughter is home bound at such an early age ,however she is the one whom has tied herself down by having a young baby,and sadly sometimes these are the consequences.

By all means be there and keep reaching out to the best of your ability,whilst perhaps there are ways around allowing your daughter the odd day or night off............with you babysitting etc.

Guilt helps no one and I am sure your daughter holds nothing but praise for all you already do to help them both.

Bluegal Wed 16-May-18 23:21:44

It’s a toughie but disagree with illtellhim on this. As a parent of course you do all you can - within reason! The guilty feeling is normal I would say but there comes a time when your own children grow up and need to stand on their own two feet. You deserve time for you and that includes buying things for yourself without feeling guilty. Your daughter’s life could turn in unexpected directions. Who knows? but as much as I love, worry and care about my kids I still want a life of my own now! Enjoy yours hon and help where possible but it is her life not yours. She made her choices the same as you did

Belgravian Sat 26-May-18 13:26:15

When I was my daughter's age I could pick and choose what job I wanted and worked in London when jobs were plenty and wages were high.

Now my daughter has a 12 hour contract which is usually boosted by working extra hours.

I help her out all the time as her rent is high as well as Council Tax.

I feel sorry for young people today as it is so vastly different in terms of jobs and housing costs.

However, that is what life is like today and we have all had hardships in life whether they be financial, health or other problems. We deserve to spend our money as we like and to do things just for ourselves.

We do what we can to support our children financially but it shouldn't be at the detriment of our own way of life.

You have to balance what you do for them along with leasing your own life.

Besstwishes Sat 26-May-18 13:41:49

I think that you should look at this slightly differently
You are buying things for your GC
You are helping with the rent
You are helping with food costs

And because of all these things that you are helping with, she is able to only work 25 hours a week, giving her plenty of time to get out and about to meet friends if she wants too, or stay a home and look after her child.

I don’t think you should feel guilty at all, treat yourself and enjoy it.

Besstwishes Sat 26-May-18 13:43:02

Oops got her age mixed up with the number of hours she works, sorry, but my point remains the same.

annep Tue 12-Jun-18 18:54:16

I can only tell you my approach.You still need to be able to spend money on yourself. I do treat myself and buy new things. Im 67. I want to enjoy life. But I know what you mean. We got a lovely new fireplace and I haven't told my daughter as she is in the same situation. I know she would think me really silly though if she knew. I do feel sorry for her. Sometimes its not choice. People can be in a situation which is not of their making. Personally I would do all I can. However I am aware I must not deplete my savings too much. No one knows what emergencies crop up. My daughter would never take advantage. Sometimes she wont tell me things in case i offer to pay. I will always do what I can. Buying shoes and winter coats for boys and her, spending money for holiday time treats , money for time out for her. unfortunately I dont live close and have a chronic painful condition or I would help in practical ways. I do visit when U can. But I need her to know she can turn to me and not to be stressed because I love her dearly. However I am lucky I can do that. If you cant afford to or don't want to thats ok. We all see things differently. But it does seem like she needs moral support especially if she is depressed. Its important to be positive and know the future can be better. I do hope she feels that way soin. Having something to look forward to is important. Meetup groups are everywhere and many arrange events that dont cost much.

M0nica Tue 12-Jun-18 22:24:54

Are there anyways you can help her improve her situation? Could you babysit while she goes to college in the evenings or on days she doesn't work so she can do something positive to improve her situation.

I have not been faced with a child with the difficulties, your DD has but sometimes the best help is not so much the finance you give, though your daughter clearly needs it at present, but the to help and support them to think about ways of working towards ways of sorting some of their problems.

jenpax Wed 13-Jun-18 08:48:31

Hi DSJNana2305
I have PM you x

annep Thu 14-Jun-18 12:54:53

agreed Monica.

oldbatty Thu 14-Jun-18 14:48:59

I guess your daughter made choices and you have choices. You could have a chat with her about what level of support feels right. You should not, in my opinion be expected to move heaven and earth.

annep Fri 15-Jun-18 22:36:35

oldbatty There certainly is a limit to what someone can or wants to do to help. But the daughter may not have deliberately chosen to be where she is.