refusing a gift

Well, I didn't ask for any of my posts to be deleted!
If HQ wish to delete any of my posts, they are, of course, at liberty to do so.
However, I object to them claiming that it was done at my request!
hotmt is obviously just too 'precious' to be criticised, poor lamb.
I fully expect HQ to delete this, but hope they don't pretend that I asked them to do it!

Yep, I think that's what happened.
Fair enough though, I think.

I reported the nasty personal comment by holdingontometeeth and GNHQ have deleted it - I think they have deleted any comments which may have taken the poster to task over the offensive post.
I think several of us felt the same as it was more than unpleasant.

This may get deleted too, but fair enough.

I didn't request my message to be withdrawn, by the way.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Why has quite an old thread been revived, and with a comment that could possibly be seen as somewhat unpleasant?

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

It is up to your partner to ensure there are no strings. One or two of your previous experiences have been a bit alarming. No gift should come with conditions, that is controlling behaviour.

I have just read the two or three posts above mine and realise it was unnecessary to have posted as you've received the money.

I hope things work out well.

Perhaps you could compromise. In order not to hurt their feelings, perhaps you could suggest that the gift be a smaller amount of money. The suggestions about savings accounts for your children are good too.

If you chose to accept a smaller amount of money, you would not feel so beholden to them perhaps.

A lot depends, I suppose, on your general relationship with them, also your relationship with your husband.

If they have given your husband's brother money, they might want to treat both of their children equally.

muffin I have followed many of your threads about both your own mum and your in-laws, and the conflicts you have with your husband. I know you are busy with little ones and will be for some time, but may I urge you to continue to develop and maintain your friendships with people outside of your family? If family are not around to nurture and encourage you then perhaps you should make your own 'family' out of dear friends.

Read my OP and need to make sense of the post above: they were expecting thirty thousand pounds from the proceeds of sale of our house to cover “costs of DH’s university education”.

This is because they bought a flat in his name as an investment property to benefit from a cheap student mortgage and then rented it out; he never lived there. This is basically a capital gains tax fraud and a long running sore in our marriage. The “obligation” arises because the student mortgage had to be transferred to our own first home so when they sold the flat they didn’t get quite as much money as they were expecting, apparently? Neither I (lawyer) nor any trusted lawyer friends can figure out how this is a genuine obligation, but DH is determined to pay.

Sorry, just realised without that addition, my update made no sense!

Sorry to bump such an old thread, but thought in return for all the advice I received I’d add an update.

DH told me this morning he had received the money.

Along with a confirmation of the bank details to send the thirty thousand along to when we finalise our own house sale this week.

There is obviously some reason why it’s being handled this way rather than us just send twenty five thousand, but I don’t know what it is and have decided not to ask.

I asked DH if he had decided to accept the money, and he told me yes and that he would have no further discussion on the topic.

So I guess that’s that then :-/

I don’t know what consequences if any will follow, but I suppose I will just have to wait and see what happens.

Again, thanks for all the kind advice on this thread.

I can understand your reluctance after the previous loan. However, it sounds as if it is being offered in good faith, and I think it could come accross as a little churlish to refuse. Your husband is happy to accept it from his parents, and as long as there are no strings attached, I think you should too. Also, if you have any doubts about there being strings, then I agree with Notanan2, and keep it as savings for a few months to see how the land lies. You also sound a little 'rigid' in your view of the relationship. Try loosening up a little.

It must be something to do with the spacing, Madgran, but it's not a problem I've noticed before. I've just copied and pasted your asterisked paragraphs and previewed them, and the bolding only worked when I backspaced the three paragraphs into one continuous text. Curious!

Can anyone explain why the bold is not working when I put a star at the beginning and end of a phrase/paragraph/name??

*About Christmas: I always felt if he wanted to be with his parents rather than me I didn’t have any right to tell another adult where to eat Christmas dinner. I don’t come between them. My mum has a lot of problems and Christmas makes her worse, she doesn’t like me around at Christmas so I’ve not often been allowed round to hers that day. I thought I would be invited to all the family stuff once we were married but that didn’t happen. I was allowed to birthdays and Boxing Day and the events where the friends of PILs are usually invited, just not to the family stuff.

I talked to DH when the eldest baby was born and said that obviously he was free as ever to make his own choices about what he did at big holidays, but I wouldn’t agree to be separated from the baby on days like Christmas and Mothers Day. So if he went, he would be going alone as usual but with no baby. After a few months I started to be invited to stuff but tbh after nearly two decades I don’t feel welcome. It’s piddly little stuff like I’m a veggie and there’s meat in literally everything so nothing I can eat, there’s never enough chairs for me so I’m the one told to sit on the floor, stuff like that. I obviously act like it’s totally fine but it does bother me inside.

So I spend Christmas at home with my little ones and anyone who wants to visit is made welcome. I even make sure everyone gets a chair haha!!*

Muffinmoo I am truly truly shocked by the above and by other things you have told us later in the thread. You are not an ungrateful DIL but you are definitely one who is willing to put up with an astonishing amount from members of this family!!! I am also shocked by the strings attached and the credit card rates ….what????? Only you an decide what is best and I get the impression that you work on the basis that in the end it is your husband's decision ….so be it, but I think you need to have some clear expectations for him too regarding both the loan and other aspects of his family.

Sorry, OldMeg, I owe you an apology for getting all emotional in your face like that. Genuinely sorry. Having a rough week but that’s no excuse on my part

I say it’s okay because, well, folk have worse don’t they? I’m not willing to end up in an estrangement situation. Visits happen, I make tea and cake and smile and get ignored, but DH and the kids have a relationship with the grandparents. It is what it is. I might not be the DIL they would have chosen, but if I had been picking PILs I would have picked a kinder set myself. We have to rub along as best we can.

I do try. I really do. It hurts to be rejected. I’m a grown woman but it still hurts. I have other folk in my life who love me, this is not the end of the world. I love my babies and DH, I wish they would recognise that and that I’m only ever trying to do the best for them. I’m not an enemy

I try not to bring my emotions to the table about this issue but I suppose emotions are the reason they tell you not to mix family and money

I’m putting the whole thing out of my mind for a while until DH tells me what he’s decided to do. Tbh I hope if he does accept it he spends it on something just for himself, a big new shed or something like that. I have suggested that to him.

I’d just like to get the house move done and this baby born with the minimum of family uproar. I hate conflict

I apologise if I have misread the situation muffin I was going by your OP which said “ I feel uncomfortable with it because although currently our relationship with them is okay we are not close”.

OldMeg, I don’t know how I can work harder to build a relationship with people who don’t want me as a DIL and have literally not allowed me in the house frequently since I was seventeen years old.

I honestly feel you are being pretty unfair to me, even allowing for I don’t want to post a litany of “complaints” against my PILs.

They have every right to decide they don’t want me around, but I really don’t know how I can go on and build a relationship with people who genuinely don’t consider me part of their family (see above, excluded from family-only events)

I’m sorry if I seem overly sensitive about this, but I’ve been working at this for twenty years now. I can’t be any nicer, especially with people who won’t speak to me unless absolutely necessary. I can’t lie any flatter. I suck everything up and nothing changes. I get out of the way to allow DH and the kids to have the relationship of his choice with his parents, but I can’t make myself disappear.

The one who is being excluded from extended family relationships is me.

I don’t want their money because they don’t want me around and it hurts.

I’m sorry, this is really upsetting me. I have asked for this thread to be closed. I’m grateful for all the good advice I have received