I'm drowning in all his stuff

If he likes to read, buy him Marie Kondos ‘The magic art of decluttering’. I read it before we downsized and as a result was happily throwing loads of things in bin bags for charity and tip! I can honestly say I’ve not missed any of it!!

"But get rid of unused/unwanted items straight away, to charity or recycle."

I tend to have too much stuff and I know people who have even more. A few years ago I had to combine my stuff and partners stuff in our new together home. He cleared out his four bedroomed home because he had a deadline. He used lots of huge skips and basically anything he didn't want or couldn't take he and his sons threw into the skips. It was so wasteful (wastage breaks my heart so I suspect I could easily become a hoarder if I didn't talk to myself seriously!) He just didn't have time to do the above to sort things into charity bags or recycling, nor did he have the time to take them to various shops, recycling plants or the local tip.

However, he got rid of all he didn't need, want or use, including clothes. His neighbour did a skip dive every night, with his permission as she was collecting stuff for her church to donate/sell to raise funds for newly arrived Syrian refugees.

I think for people with lots of stuff who need to empty rooms or a home, if you give them a sorting out problem, even charity bags (which may never get to the shops) it just slows down and delays and confuses the process. They cannot make decisions easily and if stuff is 'good' they feel they have to sell it for its value. It cannot be thrown or given away.

OH isn't a hoarder as such but he sees 'value' in things so hangs on to them. The skip process emptied his house quickly and he doesn't miss what was thrown because he just cannot remember all he had. Out of mind, out of sight.

So perhaps we need to give people permission just to throw things away? I know we should recycle and for someone brought up on the "Waste not, want not" mantra it seemed awful just disposing of good stuff, but the fact remains it worked for OH because he had no choice. His house had to be empty for the new people to move in. He doesn't pine for anything he threw into the skip. In truth he did try to keep stuff we had no need for and on the quiet his sons filled the skips a little bit more. He didn't notice or fret.

So, as Davidhs suggests - Take it all to the tip just may be the best solution for people who have to deal with clutter?

It's rarely suggested.

As I type we have literally spent the morning clearing our middle room. This contained all the stuff that was in the bedroom. We were lucky enough to win a huge hypnos bed, so we were finally forced after 7 years in our 'new' home to get to grips with all the stuff sharpish. We were basically forced to revamp the whole room, having put it off for years. Floors, new ceiling, walls.

Now its done, we both look at it and its so beautiful we want the rest of the place to look like that one room. We've halved the amount of middle room stuff and the hall is full of bags for rags, charity, friends, tombola. I have found I adore giving things away. And even tho I never dreamt he could, the process (whilst stressing out OH considerably) is clearly starting to get a bit easier for him. The back rooms will be a study and studio for him next, where we will have lots of proper shelving, and all the things can be kept, neatly stored and categorised. So instead of a dozen of something in piles all over the place, we will have the best one or two of something visible to enjoy (my curators instinct lol).

We are both aware difficult lives have caused us to acquire things. We are trying to change that and realising that having a wonderful life now means we can afford to change somewhat. We will never be minimalists (nor want to be) but there must be a happy medium.

I long post I know, but a v raw topic to read about today. If I have one actual POINT - getting started is hard. But it gets easier and easier. And when one room or area suddenly looks light, beautiful and amazing, that feeling is better than the feeling stuff gives. you

Good luck.

A year or so ago we downsized, and what a relief it was to get rid of so much stuff. (However my husband still has business suits that are rarely worn "but too expensive to get rid of")
I am willing to live with the situation BUT 1/2hour ago he came home with a 'bargain' from Aldi - a cordless drill, and here comes the crunch---- when I said that he could now get rid of the very heavy electric drill that he has, he said that's something he could not do because his father had given it to him when we had our first home, 52 years ago! so you see the problem.

I would not suggest renting a storage unit. This is just adding to the space to keep more unnecessary things. A few years ago there was an afternoon programme with Aggie..( Kim & Aggie) which was purely about people who had stuff in storage and if they really needed it. Some had had stuff in for years and wondered why they had bothered to put it in in the first place when they finally looked through it again. She helped them to sort through, to see what they really needed to keep, what they could sell, and what could be disposed off. Many of these people cleared their self storage units completely with her help and saved a lot of unnecessary expense. I would do what someone else suggested and start small on general things ....kitchen cupboards...chest of drawers etc..by doing this you are gradually making space for the essential items and it will become more routine to keep on top of it. Some of the homeless shelters and women's refuges often need extra things and it would be worth enquiring about this. As your husband sounds kind and generous this may appeal to his nature by helping others with some of his excess stuff.

If you can afford it you could try renting a storage unit

Do not put anything into storage it costs a fortune
You should do what my wife would do.
Gently nudge
Offer to help
Insist that action is taken
Throw your toys out of the pram

Take it all to the tip

Tell him that from now on that every Monday from 9am-1pm (or whatever suits you) will be designated as clearing out time and start on a different area every week. If he wants to help you that's fine (but don't keep mentioning it), if he doesn't then tell him you will make the decision as what goes to the tip/charity etc. without showing him what you are disposing of and make sure you actually do it without fail every week. You could take before and after photos.

Don't stop to make him cups of tea or answer the phone or make lunch etc. and don't change the set time for a minimal excuse so he can see you are serious.Take the stuff immediately away, don't leave it around in bags for him to look through. You will feel you have accomplished something every week. When he sees this happening on a regular basis he will either just give up wanting to keep the stuff or rush to sort out what is most precious to him before you bin it. You could increase the regularity of this activity as the weeks go on if you can face it. Good luck.

Emily - I’ll have a look at those Facebook sites!

This is a tough one as it may be he has 'issues' with parting with things(emotionally speaking) and if you 'sneak out a bag or two' you will lose his trust- its drastic but maybe you could contact those TV programmes where they come help with it if youre really desparate??I hoarded quite a lot more than i thought- thinking id maybe use the things sometime- then i needed to move so i had to harden my heart,and in the end my daughter took me 26 bin bags of stuff to charity shop!still got some to sort but now if me& my 2 youngest boys (teenagers)outgrow things-( not just clothes)i make a point of having a sort of a bag or two for charity.

M0nica - thank you for links. Every week I think I’ll rationalise books, pieces of paper, photographs, clothes. Maybe this week I shall!

Can anyone advise me of a suitable outlet for old 78 rpm records, mostly classical and in individual sleeves, please?

Sounds like he is bored. Does he have no interests ?outside of 'hoarding'.?

I personally couldn’t live like that, so do feel for you. In any relationship your feelings matter just as much as his. My 2nd husband refused to de clutter, we couldn’t access our garage or garden shed, it was a tip. So I waited till he went out and cleared out a bit at a time, not dumping important things but everything else had to go !

Suealpha: you sound so like him. What a good thing you're not married to him tho! He will happily give anything away if he can find the right destination. That's one of the reasons I don't feel I can go behind his back and throw away stuff.
NemosMum: he knows I would never threaten divorce. It's not my nature. Thankyou for a new word - synhedonic- I love collecting new vocabulary. Ironic, I know ?
Yorkshire girl and VivNE65: I do have rooms that are immaculate. In fact people comment on how peaceful my lounge is. The kitchen, bedroom and my bathroom are also a refuge most of the time but I can't stop thinking about the rest. I find that shutting the door on a room doesn't stop me knowing about the clutter behind it.
EmilyHarburn: thankyou for the site and your considered post. I have found all your thoughtful and thought provoking posts a real blessing. I am no longer in despair but have a renewed determination.

my friend had this problem with her man and I suggested that she took something and threw it away when he was not there, take and clothing to a charity shop and anything else that will sell. This chap has never yet noticed that some of his shirts that he did not wear had gone and if he had she could say she did not know which would be true as the charity shop will have moved it on

I wonder if you could try this approach.

Ask him “if there was something in this house that was making me ill, would you get rid of it? For example if I had an allergy to an animal or certain foods”.

Then I would explain how the fear of having to clear out his stuff if he should die is weighing heavily on your mind. That seeing the house bursting with so much stuff is really depressing.

My DH, finally cleared out his stuff that had been hoarded for 50 years. This was after clearing out my parents house after their death. He was moaning about it and, probably because I was feeling very low, I lost my temper with him. I accused him of being a selfish hypocrite. In 50years of marriage I had never before raised my voice to him. The shock actually worked and the next week he started to clear up.

I think sometimes we suffer in silence because we do t want to upset our partner.

Without going into many details about my own experience “kind and thoughtful” can actually be controlling. I found I was becoming passive aggressive, seething with bottled up anger, but frozen and unable to take any action as I contemplated the piles of shabby possessions. I moved out, taking very little with me, and started over. After three months I was flooded with the deepest sense of peace imaginable.

Could you you transfer the videos to dvds so they take less room and download the photos to the internet? Hoarders are sometimes more persuadable to change the form of their possessions rather than to totally dispose of them. It is a very difficult thing to deal with but it might help if he thinks that you are working with him to manage it.
As it is an anxiety disorder, it is partly a case of seeing how far the anxiety will go before it overcomes him and that it is very tiring and stressful to be the person who has to deal with a hoarder.

if you are struggling to find where to get rid of your things. Try liking at some Facebook groups. I am a member of a few
Upcycled cloth collective
Waste not want not
A sustainable life with Jen gale

Most of these have the ethos of looking after our planet. Re using textiles instead of dumping them. What you don't need someone else could use or re use. Many people are using up our planets resources without thinking of the impact.

I am only suggesting that perhaps you may feel better giving things away to those who really need them or can make use of them.

One of our members recycles old women jumpers into fabulous items and has won awards for sustainability. Well worth considering.

This site may be useful
www.helpforhoarders.co.uk/

I have kept tot many papers from work, and photos etc over the years. I find that taking pictures of the 'mess' and printing them out so that I can look at them helps. I am in work with an NLP practitioner to review my beliefs, values etc. In my mind I am refurbishing my two cleared rooms - one as as bed room with a 'hidden' desk for the computer and the other as a sitting room with an art and writing area as these are activities I want to do more of but never have time to.

As the bedroom has memories of 2 people who died my FinL and my mother whom we cared for one after the other, I have now decided that all the relics like mother's desk, brass ornaments and family furniture will have to go or be moved to other rooms as these are daily visual cues of bereavement.

It does take time even if you are aware that you would like things to change. When I have completed the NLP process my therapist will make me a relaxation tape (Mp3) with all the positives I envisage, and the changed emotional elements etc.

I am using the model that is described in
Treatment for Hoarding Disorder Therapist Guide (Treatments That Work) Paperback – 21 Nov 2013
by Gail Steketee (Author), Randy O. Frost (Contributor) to help me divide up the mental task that are necessary.

I have found a friend who will help me, as my coach once I have completed the therapy. I have lent her the work book the manual I have lent the therapist. I have another friend who comes once a year to help me locate things that could go to her charity shop. I started with a declutterer but her skills were limited though initially useful.

Good luck Acciaccatura

Sorry there will always be a plausible reason not to. Plus viewing others as much more severe, yet another reason not to. As a professional that had to go into private houses awash with hoarding, when you do have to say stop, the anger directed at you is awful, sometimes very underhand.
Discuss if you can this issue with your GP. Probably because you tidy and look after the home it may even appear less than it is. De-sensitising and flooding can work, plus medication and a talking therapy. There will always be a plausible reason not too. One patient had to go into a specialist hospital, away from home as her husband was also aiding in keeping the disorder. It worked and the first time in 40 years she was free of medication, and free of us. ?

Insist a couple of rooms are cleared for your use. Then you have a retreat, and can entertain visitors. You really need to insist on this for your own well being

You have enough rooms to be able to have a bedroom and reception to yourself. Could you do that? Obviously he would be 'allowed' in, as long as anything he brought in was taken out when he left.

Speaking as a "hoarder" myself (inverted commas because I don't really endorse the pejorative connotations of the word), perhaps I can help a little.
I can probably rival Acciaccatura's husband in the amount of my stuff and I can tell you that I don't think there is anything psychologically wrong with me (at least, nothing related to my stuff!), and that if someone forcibly or - worse still - secretly got rid of it I would be furious.
My problem is that I very often don't know of a suitable place to get rid of things to - and I set the bar of suitability high. Having worked in a charity shop for a long time (a good while back), I know that it is not appropriate to send anything and everything to them. For a lot of difficult to categorize items this is just giving someone else the problem to deal with.
I want to find the right destination for everything I no longer want to own. I may find time to enlarge on this (here) later but have just remembered I'm meant to be doing some sorting/throwing out (but where to?!) as I write this. So must rush.