When does helping someone become interference

That was unnecessarily nasty; your cousin could have spoken to you privately if she had concerns or felt you were doing too much. If your aunt is happy with what you do that is all that matters. I would carry on with visits as frequently as now but as another poster has suggested, ring first. It will be better for your aunt to have two separate visits in any event, rather than two visitors at once and then nobody for a few days. It is hurtful when people suspect you. I visited an elderly man years ago who appeared to have nobody; when he was nearing the end two relatives suddenly appeared and were rather frosty until they realised he had left them everything, then suddenly they became friendly and thanked me for popping in!

Without giving too much personal info on a public site I can say that my cousin hated her father and didn't speak a civil word to him for at least 40 years!

I can see how the issue of inheritance could be an issue in some cases but my aunt lives in a rented local authority house and has no savings. She has nothing to leave anyone.

How did you get on with your cousin when you were younger?

If you and she were never close because you kept away, not liking your uncle much, she probably is wondering why you are being so helpful now.

I would try to ignore the remark and I think your idea of visiting when your cousin isn't there, is the option I would choose in your place, but I do see the point made about that being misunderstood.

Could you ask your aunt whether she prefers one visitor at a time?

Families can have very strange dynamics.
One thing that has not been mentioned is inheritance, in my family there has been a lot of nastiness with members feeling that they have been /or are about to be 'done out of ' something. I don't know what the answer is but be careful with wills and powers of attorney if your Aunt is 94 you could open yourself up to all sorts of accusations.

Thanks Urmstongran.

I would let it go. At this point, an explanation could be awkward and possibly be misconstrued. Best to ignore your cousin's snide comment and carry on as if nothing.

Sorry GabriellaG I see now my suggestion ought to have been for lollee. ?

Hi GabrielleG. - the top of the page has a link to ‘Acronyms ‘. Click on that for the most common ones used on GN. Hope this helps!

Your cousin should be grateful that you will be close at hand in years to come, when your aunt becomes reliant on care. She wouldn't want to travel 2 hours each way for what she might think is a trivial matter. You'll be able to react quickly if your aunt needs help.

Gabriella....... Thanks for that, I didn't google as I thought these abbreviations were exclusive to gransnet lol.

This may stir up a hornet's nest, but I was wondering whether you could suggest to your Aunt that she could set up Lasting Power of Attorney? That way it would be clear who she wanted to deal with her affairs, as she could nominate you, your cousin or both of you, and it would all be crystal clear that it was above board.

Nellie17, s always some very good points made here by GNers.

Just a few things occurred to me in addition to what's already been said that may affect your cousin's comment.

Your cousin is clearly put out and and rather than addressing any concerns she might have about you help, motivation to help, she made a cutting comment. Was it in jest? If you thought she was a jesting kind of person you might not have felt so hurt so I don't think it was said in jest.

You said you stayed away before your aunt was widowed because you uncle wasn't very nice.

Is your cousin more like her dad than her mum? Was her comment more along the line of what her dad would have said?

Also, your cousin is single, therefore, maybe the process of caring isn't as natural to her as it is to you?

Could it be your life experience/willingness to research, to help, is something she hadn't thought about doing for her mum?

As others have said I wonder how much of her comment is driven by guilt.

Maybe your cousin would like to have the kind of support you're giving your aunt but doesn't show it. Maybe she would benefit from the advice/information you've given your aunt and didn't know it until you got it for your aunt.

Maybe your aunt hasn't had as much care/support in the past so your aunt is singing your praises and that is clearly annoying your cousin.

So many questions for you to ask yourself that might give you some insight into what motivated your cousin to make her remark. Not that more insight will change what happened but it may help you recover from your hurt and help you in any future contact with your cousin.

As for talking to your cousin about it? Unless there is a natural situation where you feel you must speak up I'd leave it and pay attention to what happens next.

I'd visit when she's not there and ask your aunt if she feels helped by you or if she feels you are interfering.

Once you are clear about how your aunt feels you can make your choice about how you go forward.

Also once you are clear about how your aunt sees your visit/input you might give yourself the best chance of taking care of your and your aunt's feeling in any future situations.

Wishing you all the best and may you recover from your hurt quickly and guard agains any future hurt.

I would avoid visiting when your cousin is there you and your aunt obviously have a good relationship .Maybe she is feeling a bit guilty and jealous of the relationship that's her problem and you and your aunt should just carry on enjoying each others company .

I had a similar reaction from the cousin of a friend I had visited a lot when she was gravely ill. As it happened I was the only one available when she was first diagnosed & stayed for 10 days at my friend's request. The cousin made pointed remarks afterwards and even at the funeral she asked a childhood friend if I was always the boss. I was mortified but no one else took any notice. Keep visiting your aunt for hers and yours sake. Avoid the daughter if possible.

I think DanniRae is spot on - the cousin is feeling guilty. Carry on and don't let it spoil your visits which your aunt clearly appreciates.

Your aunt clearly appreciates your help and as you have been helping her for 4 years why hasn't your cousin come out with her' views' before now.? It should be up to your cousin to help her mother with the issues of paperwork and benefits and according to your aunt it does not seem she has been doing this ?.Has your cousin refused to help her mother with these issues ??then why shouldn't you help if your aunt has asked you to do this.

I think I would phone your aunt first before each visit, and be tactful, and if her daughter is already there say I will visit you later in the week or whenever ...that way you will be giving your aunt another visit to look forward to without your cousin being present. It does sound like your cousin seems to resent the help you are giving her mother, and maybe feels a bit guilty that she should be doing more for her than she does. If she has never shown this side to her before then it probably is. Try and put it behind you and just enjoy seeing your aunt alone.

Many of us are implying that cousin is not pulling her weight here, there's no evidence for that except she sounds fed up. In my experience that's the sign of one who is trying to do what they can. Having had friends trying to support from 2 hrs away, it's not much fun.

Just put your cousin's remark down to her being s lonely crabby old spinster. You are doing the right thing, helping your elderly aunt. My sister looked after our elderly aunt until she died as the other nephews and nieces lived further away.

The answer to your question us circumstances, the relationship between the 2 people involved, the personalities of each of them, and possibly the ages (what might have been inappropriate when one of them was in their 20s may be appropriate when that person us in their 40s).
I suspect when she talks to her daughter on the phone, it's peppered with 'Nellie says...'

Ment outspoken.sorry.

Im afraid im outsooken so would have to say to cousin "well maybe you can help your mum now and again to sort out things?,she did ask you know" then left it at that.maybe you could visit your cousin at home so you can explain better why you didnt go visit when your uncle was alive and try get her to help your aunt more herself now shes retired?then your visits to your aunt can truly be for enjoyment of her company not as a benefits help service.

lollee
AIBU am I being unreasonable
ISBU is she being .....
If you Google the letters you will see the meanings. It took me a bit to understand but now I Google any I don't know...or ask Alexa.

I am sometimes struggling with the abbreviations used, could someone please explain AIBU? That said, I am ashamed to say I probably would have bristled at my good deed being disrespected in such away. I probably would have smiled sweetly and said something like "point taken, next time she asks for help with (whatever), I will give you a call and you can POP round", knowing full well it takes a couple of hours.