When does helping someone become interference

I meant to add, all of us should do this before we get too old.

Put all of this in your memory bank people and try to remember not to praise people for minimal help to those who are doing more.

OP this is quite an old thread - but I agree if the problem still exists you should get your aunt to do a Power of Attorney for both health and finance so her daughter isn't suspicious. Make sure she's got a Will, and a living will lodged with her medics about what she wants done (which of course she should discuss with her daughter) when she reaches the end of her life. And keep in touch with her daughter religiously so she knows when you've visited and what you've been able to help with.

loulelady this I understand,my lovely MIL who we do see often and do a lot for has recently got a new cleaner.This woman cleans twice a month .My MIL has started saying she's "like a daughter to me" which is very hurtful for her real daughter who does so much for her without being paid !

I bet your cousin is a bit exasperated with hearing all about what Nellie said and Nellie did, blah, blah, - and a bit of irritation escaped.
It’s not your fault at all but I’d cut her a bit of slack.
It’s a really common for some elderly people to not-so-subtlety big up x’s contribution to y, to show y firstly how x values them, and secondly as a model of all the things y could be doing better.
My mum does this now she’s in her 80’s about key “friends” - who are mostly paid carers or help. All I get is “Debbie is so thoughtful”... “Oh! I stopped taken them because Debbie looked up the side effects and ...” ..., “I’m so lucky to have Debbie nearby”.
It’s not Debbie’s fault - well except I wish she’d keep her medicines-are-poison conspiracy theories to herself.
I bet Aunt is constantly regaling cousin with “Well I asked Nellie and SHE said...”
All mums friends know she does this and they all know how much I do for her, which she seems to resent strangely. It’s just a foible. She will tell them she never sees me, but they see me parked there themselves so luckily they know it isn’t true.
It sounds like you are really very helpful to your Aunt, I’m very grateful my mum has her friends too. It doesn’t mean I don’t allow myself the odd eye-roll or private vent with my daughter after another round of listening to their virtues and opinions.
I agree with other posters, it could be helpful to keep in regular loose contact with cousin and keep her in touch of anything official you’ve helped her mum with. Also take what she says about cousin not helping her with things with a pinch of salt. She may or may not, or her mum might not want her too and block her. Funnily enough, one of mum’s favourite friends told me they’d had similar with her mum before she died; she had them all running around telling them she never saw anybody from Monday to Sunday but she’d find her brother had been twice that week, and then chatting to the lady at the day centre that her mum had been in for her lunch three days etc... Similarly her brother wasn’t told about his sister’s visits
Mum’s friends regularly text me which is very helpful as I am 50 minutes drive away and she can deteriorate quickly when ill.

I think help becomes interfering when someone becomes offended and annoyed by it. It's lovely that you're helping your aunt and you've helped her with things she wants help with.

It sounds like her daughter has been left out of these discussions and decisions and I will be honest, if I found out my cousin was involved in all of these matters and I had no idea what was going on I'd be annoyed.

I think from now on include her a little on serious matters such as claiming benefits and just say "aunt asked for my help with this so we did this". Mainly because when aunt passes away, daughter will be expected to deal with it and she'll have no idea what's going on!

Lots going on here I see. Firstly someone said upthread that old people can be a bit two-faced (actually not just old people) and can sometimes say things behind your back to others. So firstly, you need to suss out if this might be the case.

Secondly, while you were there did you really just have a chat or were other things mentioned that you might have done for your aunt? It would be quite unlikely, given that you admit you ‘give her the best advice you can’ that some of this advice didn’t seep into the chat.

Thirdly, do you visit when you want to or when she invites you round? It might be that you have taken on the role of chief advisor and helper when in fact her daughter has this well in hand. After all she lives a 2 hour drive away and seems to visit quite often.

Finally did you check that her daughter was going to be there when you visited? Perhaps the daughter wanted some quality time with her mother, especially after a long drive, and didn’t relish your company.

Best you examine your motives honestly I think and have a chat with your cousin,

There is a mistaken belief among some that helping a relative whether elderly or disabled means you ‘get’ some of the assets when they pass away.
Here amongst older people it’s a strong belief. So sometimes people helping are assumed to be after something.
Of course the OP isn’t doing this.

Everyone needs someone to help and care at some point in their lives.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I think JanaNana's advice is very good.

A lot also depends on how you normally interact with your cousin. Is she usually a pleasant and reasonable person? I guess, if you are not able to put the whole incident behind you, you could try ringing your cousin and say something like you only give advice when asked and was she joking?
Sometimes people say silly things off the cuff.

I hope things turn out well.

I think I would have said to here “why would you say that,” and just wait. Put the ball back in her court.

she was rude to you. She resents you. this much we know. the extent etc is not known. I doubt if a phone call will put it right. Possibly her mother is shouting your praises out - very annoying. My cousins got intensely close to my mother in her 90's. They lived nearby I lived 250 miles away. But I was grateful that they attended her every week as I couldn't. In her last year I got her up near me. Cousins were not at all pleased. I needed them as friends and allies - but since my mums death, and they were not in her Will which she made decades ago, - they have not spoken to me. I am quite shocked. I think they felt they deserved more. But then my mum would take my advice over any others...so perhaps the daughter is feeling somewhat upstaged. Next time she asks for your advice say - what does your daughter think? give her some priority. Don't compete with your cousin. It is her mum.

I think avoiding the cousin completely would just reinforce her concerns about you.Would it be possible to get in touch with her perhaps if you cant face a phone call a letter or a nice pretty blank card .You could just say how hurt you were by her remarks.Explain that you didn't get on with your uncle & that's why you didn't visit before even though it might hurt her shes a grown up (she might even agree with you secretly) you could maybe suggest to meet up so you could show her the paperwork or whatever that youve been helping with then the ball is in her court then

Your cousin sounds jealous, maybe she felt for the first time in her life she had her mother to herself and then she finds you have stepped in to help, which sounds as if it was necessary but may have made her feel inadequate. I wondered if your cousin wanted her mother to keep doing as much as she could for as long as she could and as others have said just because the old lady says her daughter does nothing that may not be so. Could your cousin be depressed?

No doubt your cousin feels inadequate and therefore guilty but keep up the good work all the same

No wonder it’s said ‘knowledge is power’ GabriellaG ! However, it’s nice to share. ?

There is a lonely widow here who did not have her daughters' support and someone else had to step in. It takes a hard heart to stop visiting someone so vulnerable who needs to see family and help from those she trusts. I can understand not visiting when the husband was alive, unfortunately there are men who are so controlling they make certain visitors very unwelcome but he's gone, so she is free to visit the aunt.
It's probably best to come to some arrangement with the daughter, who does what, and ask what has happened to cause her to think she was organising her aunts life? The most important person here is the aunt, she doesn't need to see there are people falling out over her. The daughter lives far away so the aunt must really look forward to her niece's visit. There aren't many people that elderly can trust with their private affairs and it appears the OP is over board on all of it.

Readymeals, I take your point, it is a tricky situation. 123kitty, that’s exactly my point about how difficult some old people can be. GillT57, my mother used to play me off against my brother too, it has made me determined never to do this to my boys.

Nellie17 I hope these ideas help you to resolve the situation.

Although this seems like a rather rude and unecessary comment, you don't know what the daughter is doing when you are not there. It could be that she is trying to 'keep the wheels on' for her Mother, her efforts are being rebuffed by said Mother, and then she has to put up with phone calls praising you, the long lost niece, who is apparently being really helpful with money and such......I am not in anyway suggesting anything untowards in your behaviour, but let's look at it the other way; if you were the daughter, and a cousin who you had not seen for years, started turning up, being kind to your Mother, helping her with finances etc........There are always two sides to this. Maybe you and said cousin could talk together, agree on your mutual dislike of her Father keeping you apart for years, and work together to help her DM. I know a little of what I speak, my DM says things to my brother which come across as hurtful and as if they came from me

We mostly seem to have decided the daughter's probably not pulling her weight. How do you know how often the daughter visits? My grandma (who was in no way senile) used to tell everyone that no family ever bothered to visit her- although my mother called on her every day.

Urmstongran
Thanks for that. Although I know your reply was meant for lollee, I had no idea they were accessible from GN. It took me a while to figure out that I could Google to find acronyms when I first joined GN and there are still some I can never remember.

Who initiates the tea and chats? If it's your aunt, that's one thing, if it's you then a bit different. However fond one is of elderly relatives the inheritance factor is bound to influence the relationship to some extent in one way or another.

I agree the daughter is jealous, off my patch please.

Oh dear, what a difficult situation. I think that lots of posters here have given answers and suggestions illustrating different points of view, that you hopefully have found helpful.

I think, putting a different view on it all, that if I discovered that my mother was talking to a ‘long lost’ niece (which you are in many way, as you stayed away from your aunt while her unpleasant husband was around) and was being advised about health and finances that I would be pleased that my mum had someone to talk to and confide in BUT possibly also be somewhat surprised, a little hurt and possibly a bit guilty that I hadn’t been able to provide advice for my own mother.

If your cousin was advising your mother for four years about health and money how would you feel? Particularly if you hadn’t known for four years?

My great aunt was 104 when she died, at home peacefully, and my mother was her surrogate daughter, visiting and staying as often as she could, while living two hours away. We also got on well with her and visited fairly frequently. We were quite shocked when we found out that a great great niece from my aunts estranged family, who lived five hours away, was also visiting for the final year of her life. Had we known, we could have organised visits better so that visits were better spaced out.

Hope it goes well and do keep visiting your aunt, lovely for you both. I can’t give any advice apart from that but I do wonder if Power of Attorney is a huge step to take at present? ?

Jane, but what if the Aunt didn't want the daughter to know - for an innocent reason like not making her feel upstaged? Thats why I said just don't help her or talk about helping her in front of the daughter. Two-faced of course does sometimes happen, but she may not have actually been slagging off the OP, simply not mentioning it till the daughter saw it happen for herself

Just an observation that may or may not apply. Some old people can be very two-faced, praising people then criticising them behind their backs. I speak from personal experience and I suppose the motive is wanting to please everybody. Rather than avoid your cousin I would speak to both of them together saying that in the past you have done things for your aunt because she has asked you to but you now feel that your help is being iterpreted as interference. I would ask them both if they want you to continue to help or not. Things are best out in the open rather than being skirted around.

Well at the end of the day it's up to the Aunt, who sounds like she has no mental condition that would remove he right to decide who she sees and whose help she accepts. I think the only thing I would say is don't give the advice or help while the daughter is actually there watching, to save any awkward situations.