AIBU to think they're spending too much?

Leave them too it. We have to learn from our own mistakes, as the human race appears genetically incapable of learning from the mistakes of others.

Regardless of whether they have a house, jobs etc. It seems sad that they are starting their life together ‘up to their eyes’ in debt - and (I am the cautious type) will they have anything to fall back on, including credit cards, if there is a ‘rainy day’? Think I would avoid the cost directly but mention the possible emergency in the future.

My mother and father got married in 1937. The wedding costs came to £10. 10s and 10d ( £10.54p in today's money).
Dad only budgeted a tenner so had to ask if he could owe the 10s and 10d until he was next paid.

Sorry, annep, no we don't. We are entirely free to leave those with money to spend it as they will and tailor our tastes to meet our budget.

Plenty of people of all ages do that still and think those obsessed by celebrities and their life styles are fools.

It's the world we live in. We know what rich folk have and spend and we have become very materialistic and aspire to being/living like them. All the media coverage and available information encourages this. Ignorance was bliss. People were more content.

Muffin, you should be writing scripts for the 'Meet the Family' film genre. Your family would earn you an Oscar without having to invent them, though there might be a lawsuit in it!

All you safely can do is to offer to help with the arrangements. Any remarks about how much it is all going to cost will be taken in bad part.

I agree with all those who think it is ridiculous to get into debt over a wedding, but all of us who are saying that here have been married for years, and most of us did so on a very small budget.

If the bridal couple to be ask your advice, then give it , otherwise, even although it is very hard, bite your tongue!

Muffin I think you are quite remarkable, to survive all you have. I am amazed your mother isn't featuring in our 'cut off by my DD, never see DGC' threads'. You are tolerant beyond belief to still be in touch with your parents and family - and your DH is up there with you living with in laws so difficult.

I hope being able to vent on GN really helps you.

Muffin Im sorry but your family slund like a nightmare. I cannot relate to any of this. My AC each had very different weddings from traditional chuch do with big reception to very quiet registry office wedding with just immediate family and restaurant meal afterwards. All were lovely and no-one fell out. Maximum cost was about £6000 but reg office one was under £2000 which included dress flowers photographer and meal only.
Even so called traditional weddi gs are nothing like the ones i remember in my youth. We never had fancy veteran cars or horse drawn carriages or favours for guests or chocolate fountains/ photo booths/ice sculptures/owls/doves/fireworks etc (to name just a few things Ive seen.) Nor were there evening do's with discos and extra food. Many of these things seem completely unnecessary to me and I agree that it would be better to have deposit on a house than waste money on all this flim flam!

If you are determined to stay in your marriage, then please get some counseling (Pastor, health clinic, etc.). No one should live a miserable life just because they feel they chose the wrong person. Emotions cloud our thinking and produce fears. Don't listen to your emotions. Look at the facts, the pros/cons of staying or leaving .......and then lay it all out in front of a professional and ask for their advice and help. God bless you, dear lady. Will be praying for you and your children.

Coda to my hellish wedding stories:

Younger brother got married couple of years back. Both have good salaries but bro is very resentful not to be absolutely swimming in cash (this has been a thing since he acquired a couple of very wealthy friends in childhood).

They insist on having the traditional “big” wedding but cap their spending out at about 17, 18 grand. They are gobsmacked the families refuse to pay for it, hence the spending cap. They were originally looking at something around 60, 70 grand.

(NB this entire time they are MY tenants at a discount rate in my old flat because they say they can’t afford market rent, they are paying less than my mortgage on the flat!)

So with great anguish and bitterness they have a traditional wedding but with eh, a few corners cuts. Its a nice enough wedding. You can see where the savings were made. I don’t personally think this matters a toss but bro is going on like he’s been betrayed somehow. Mother WILL NOT STOP loudly discussing with all our relatives how “sh*tty” a wedding this is compared to mine, how my new SIL has no taste, etc etc, how slutty her dress is, etc etc. This goes on for months and continues on the day itself, when I spend all my bridesmaid time wrangling SIL as far out of earshot of mother as possible.

Father hands over five grand for a contribution to the wedding. I ask with interest if he’s been holding his contribution to my wedding in trust, as he did not so much as buy me a drink on the day. My parents do not speak to me for three weeks until the penny drops that I am enjoying the peace and quiet.

They were given the parental guest list of death that made my wedding horrendously expensive. The first my parents realise that bro simply didn’t invite most of these people is when they show up on the day, ask where (relative so distant I am not sure we are actually related) is, and bro cheerfully announces he didn’t bother to invite most of their demanded guests. Mother has to be physically removed to her hotel room for a period as she becomes violent.

After the meal, which she has composed herself enough to attend, but has sent back everything loudly complaining how cheap and nasty the food is, I force another bridesmaid to switch seats with me so I can physically sit between my new SIL and crazy daisy, I mean mother.

The speeches begin, and my bro’s best friend (whose recent at the time wedding cost quarter of a million quid, helps to marry an heiress) stands up and after the usual fawning on the groom, absolutely rips into my parents for how mean and ungiving they are, and how much debt bro and SIL have as a result of this wedding, and this isn’t even the wedding they wanted, and how they didn’t finance his uni education enough (eighty grand at least was flung at that). The guests have no idea where to look. Bro is clapping loudly and nodding violently. DH displays his first good bit of crisis management and bundles our young toddlers out of the fire exit up to the hotel room.

Father has to remove mother from the top table after I have to body shield my now crying SIL from her. As a result I get the drink thrown over me that was intended for her, but meh, I’m not the bride, she’s thrown worse.

Later on father sends for me to try and help mollify mother as he has now also lost the place. I appear in none of the casual/reception photos after this as I am in my hotel room icing a black eye.

The punchline: DH says the following morning “I suppose it could have gone worse”...

To me, having the down deposit for a home of my own rather than renting for years would be worth having a small, cozy wedding for. The wedding day passes, the album is packed away but the rent comes due on the first of every single month. I'd much rather be paying on a mortgage and building equity in my own home than contributing to the wealth of a landlord as I rent his.

As one of the parents who are contributing to the costs, I would advise you to just give what you've agreed and can afford and they can top up the amount from both families themselves and have whatever wedding they want. I would not offer more just because costs are escalating, neither would I bail them out of debt or loan money afterwards. Couples have to learn to budget and make their own way in the world and that includes making mistakes.

I think it's completely stupid to spend all that on a wedding unless you're so wealthy you won't notice the expense. And chances are that having spent all that on the wedding, next they'll be knocking on the door of the bank of mum&dad to fund their home deposit. But what can you do or say? Nothing probably. They just won't understand why you're "trying to ruin their wedding day". Sigh

We got married in a castle which was also a hotel and restaurant. We booked an overnight stay so we had a nice meal after the wedding and our wedding night was in the bridal suite with four poster bed etc and a lovely breakfast the morning after. We didn't know at the time but my DH had done work previously for the owner and his wife and when we went to settle out bill the following morning they gave us the suite for free as a wedding gift
My DH made our cake and because it wasn't the first time for either of us I wore a simple cream outfit and DH wore a nice suit, the most expensive part was the registrar.
I don't think wedding's have to be expensive but who am I. I can imagine how you feel GSOT, crikey at the end of the day you will just have to leave them to it and let the chips fall where they may. It's hard I know but it's a lesson they've got to learn themselves.

I think we as an older generation should remember that a large percentage of couples do no think that "getting married" is anything near their top priority in setting up together.

The problems of actually finding somewhere to live and furnishing that home is in most cases enough.

As you said grandschemeofthings, its not your place to say anything, our children individually spent twice what I've
seen mentioned on this post, this was years ago and they still enjoying talking about the weddings, never heard one regret yet, think we have to remember, a different time a different place that our children inhabit.
I know it doesn't seem sensible to us older folks but ?????

I think you just have to stand back - unless you make a regular point of critiquing their spending.

My in-laws were very supportive as grandparents, but my MiL had a fixation about us being spendthrifts. She even criticised our choice of new gas-fired boiler and said their was cheaper. It really rankled with me, to be honest, especially when one of my sons told me 'Granny says you and dad don't have any money because you spend too much'. It's not a very flattering opinion to have fed back to you.

My daughter had quite a lavish wedding. The whole day was a strain, as she was still recovering from an operation that went wrong, and almost cost her her life. Her Dad was also recovering from the 'flu, and not at all well. I was just glad to get to the end of the day without anyone keeling over!
My son had a Registry Office wedding, with 12 guests, and a meal at a local restaurant. The bride wore a lovely suit, and looked beautiful.
I know which event I enjoyed the most.

My son married at the time of my husband being seriously ill so I held out over contributing financially as we had no idea what our financial situation might be but said we would, when they felt ready, provide a house deposit. 5 years later that happened but 5 years on the happy couple are no more. Thankfully, no children involved.

I sometimes think that the wedding is more important to people than the marriage! Personally I got married in a registrars office with 2 witnesses , a bit extreme I know but I've never seen the point in spending so much on one day. Having said that , it's up to the couple really

I do think the 30K figure is not the average. That figure is generally for all the 10K dresses, banquets in high end establishment and an exotic honeymoon. Your DS and fiancee must have great credit limits if they are able to rack up something anywhere near that. Difficult but dont say anything. Your DS will know how you feel about expense so unlikely to address it. It is their life, you can't live it for them. Let them make their mistakes and hope this isn't one of them.

If/whenever the opportunity presents itself make sure they know that you personally are very, very happy they are in love and getting married and not at all concerned/impressed by over the top displays.

My grandsons fiancés mother started planning their wedding a year in advance. Even though they were not getting along she continued and the very expensive wedding went ahead. They were divorced six months later.
My granddaughter and her fiancé told no one and just went to the registry office with two friends. They were able to buy a nice house and are very happy with three lovely children.

I would say you"re not being unreasonable ...but what to say without causing any upset is another thing. Years ago you either had a simple church wedding and the bride's father traditionally footed a large proportion of the bill ( and had a big say in it ) , or you had a simple register office. Either one of these was personal choice but without all the expectations and extravagances that seems to be the norm now.
Some of the nicest weddings I"ve been to is were the budget has been very limited and the creative skills/talents of other family and friends has meant that things that may have been unaffordable have been given to the bride & groom in the way of a wedding present, such as the wedding cake, hand tied bouquets made from garden flowers, and finger food, and drinks, the use of a nice car for the bride. No-one looked down on these...in fact it felt like everyone was routing for them by making them a personal gift without something that was mass produced.
We are going to a wedding fairly soon that is taking place in the couple"s own garden. You have to pay the registrar an extra fee for this if it's not in a register office but not overly expensive. This couple decided it was a lot cheaper to spruce their garden up and give it a bit of a makeover and hold their wedding there, and still have a lovely garden to enjoy afterwards, than pay over the odds for a venue. They have not got a massive garden..it will be a small intimate celebration of family and close friends , and no big debt afterwards.