AIBU to think they're spending too much?

We should go the European way.The obligatory legal part of marriage takes place in the Registry office. It cannot happen anywhere else. Anything that happens after that - church or party, or both can take place anywhere, without hotels and the like having to get wedding licences. Once you have done the legal bits, if you want to plight your troth, surrounded by half the population of London on the top of Ben Nevis or the bottom of Loch Ness you are free to do so.

stephenfryer Your GD and partner should marry quietly. not mention it, then in 5 or 10 years time when all those who had expensive weddings are getting divorce they can casuall mention that they married some years ago and no-one will give a toss.

In the meanwhile they should both make wills that cover all the legal issues that come automatically with marriage, so, if their partnership does break up, each partners right to a share of the house, care of the children is protected and, if disaster strikes and one does die, the survivor can make the funeral plans, inherit the home and the assets they may have acquired.

Maybe the fact heterosexual couples can now also have a civil ceremony could lead to a less "show" day.

stephenfryer, they could get married quietly with only their two witnesses - who could even be strangers from the street!
There'd be no need to tell anyone anything about it, but your granddaughter would get a bit of security.

One of my granddaughters has lived with her partner for almost ten years, and they have two children. Theirs is a loving relationship. I asked her why they did not get married, and how secure she felt financially should everything end badly. She said that she would love to get married but they couldn't afford it. She also thought that, as a common law wife of almost ten years standing, she had the same rights as a legal wife. I said that, from what I knew of their finances, they could manage an inexpensive wedding. And that the common law wife thing was a myth.
In the end, she said that to get married without the lavish expensive wedding that their friends had had would result in their friends looking down on them - a kind of keeping up with the Joneses. So despite believing me on the common law wife thing she would rather risk it and stay as they are.

I’ve always said it makes no difference how much money you throw at a wedding, it won’t make the marriage last any longer, only love and compromise will do that.

Monica Sorry I didn't mean all of us. I certainly don't live like that . But I do feel society is in general becoming very materialistic.

And so sad that everyone has to compare their event with everyone else's.

Some may but certainly not all.

That was the wedding from hell Muffinthemoo sorry but it made me chuckle.

I agree with others it should be the marriage which is important not the wedding. Each to their own I suppose.

It's their wedding so really it's up to them to decide especially if they're paying the bulk of the costs!

Apologies for popping back in, this time to be Pollyanna, rather than an ironic wave to the three yorkshiremen. I honestly don't get the grumpy, negative comments about a generation of young people who chose to celebrate every significant event to the full. They like a party -good luck to them. I suspect its almost the final rebellion. Their parents had small, quiet weddings with a focus keeping spending to a minimum. So they go to the opposite extreme.
Many of my friends either didn't marry, or had a small registry office do, followed by a party at their new home -oldies not included. I find myself being pleased to be invited to the big weddings in our friendship group -its grand to be included at a celebration involving children you've known 30 years or so.

Like Christmas, it's all just commercial.

And so sad that everyone has to compare their event with everyone else's.

Yes Iam , I know what you mean. When I were a lad we lived in a cardboard box! Etc

I think our church wedding and reception, 41 years ago, came to about £300-£400 and the honeymoon in Cornwall cost about £100.

We're still together after all these years. Three children and seven grandchildren later.

it reads more like a Three Yorkshiremen sketch than anything else. You're not wrong there, Iam!

I'll add to that by saying that we coppered up on the day before our wedding and found we'd just enough to get us on Monday's discounted coach trip to a B & B in Llandudno for a week's honeymoon. Us and 40 odd pensioners, with a Max Bygraves tape serenading us on a loop all the way there, all the way back. It poured down all week and the wind was so strong the bathchair pushers struggled to make progress along the prom. The pubs closed at 9, and the Great Orme cable car broke down when we were on it. And our bed creaked. We had a fabulous time!

Iam fork ‘andles in the cake?

I'm going to be very controversial here and say imo that very lavish weddings unless you're rolling in money are decidedly naff. It's one day for heaven's sake and just throwing money at it doesn't make it special, just very generic. My son and daughter in law got married three years ago and spent no more than a couple of thousand pounds. They had a traditional white wedding in church. Her dress was simple and stunningly beautiful and cost £300. She made her
veil and headdress and did all the flowers herself with the help of her bridesmaids. None of them were florists. The reception was in the village hall and all the catering was done by themselves with lots of help from friends and family. Guests still rave about the wedding to this day and the church warden said it was the loveliest wedding he'd seen at the church in years.

No I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. Neither do I think she should bail them out financially in the future when reality sets in after the honeymoon.

I've just caught up with this thread and can I say -it reads more like a Three Yorkshiremen sketch than anything else.

As I commented earlier, I'm not a fan of huge weddings, though I had a ball at the big wedding arranged, planned and paid for by one of ours and her husband. We contributed a small amount, as did the groom's parents but they wanted a big party and that's what they arranged. Family and friends, plus the bride and groom had an absolute ball. Five years later, all is well but who knows what tomorrow will bring.

To say "its all for show" as one poster did seems plain cold and critical to me. I've been to the large weddings of a number of young(er) folks recently, enjoyed every one. Mind, in my day, we were lucky to have a ham sandwich, cobbled together by our gran we a bit of 'am, lent to her by't corner shop

I have been in exactly the same boat for my 2 sons.
My Dad used to say "Good advice is often given but seldom taken"
I'm with the others, bite your tongue - hard!

In my day a wedding was a service in church/register office followed by a reception (meal and cake cutting) and then perhaps people returned to the bride's family's house. Weddings seem to me to have got out of hand. My DDs had lovely weddings, probably cost a bit (they paid for everything) but certainly not over the top and did not put them into debt. I made the two bridesmaid dresses for DD2's wedding. (Also made my own wedding dress).

Our wedding in 1989 cost less than £1000 - Mum & Dad paid the £500 for a sit down meal for 40 people and bought my wedding suit (wanted something I could wear afterwards). I bought my husband's suit and we together paid for the flowers, cake, registry office and car (£180 in total) and for our honeymoon. My parents gifted us £1000 as well to furnish our rented flat, and my MIL bought us a microwave. We just wanted to get married and neither of us wanted (or could afford) a big expensive do. No hen or stag nights, we both went out the night before our wedding with friends and siblings - home by 9.30 so no hangovers on wedding day. I honestly cannot understand why people spend tens of thousands of pounds on one day - I fear the millenial generation have lost what is important about getting married.

Lots of brides are all about the wedding and don’t realise that it’s only one day. Theyshould be focussing onthe marriage. My sons first wife was like this, it only lasted a year. We did try to broach the subject once early on but he didn’t want to here it so we backed of. Several years and two children with second wife he says he wishes we had made him listen but could have list him totally in the process. Sometimes you have to let them make there own mistakes

My mother always used to say the bigger the wedding the shorter the marriage.

Many - if not most - young couples are starting off their lives together still paying off student debts, so why make things worse by incurring more debt to pay for an elaborate wedding? DS2 and his partner have been together for 25 years and have two growing sons. I sometimes feel sad for them that they have missed out on the ceremony and celebration of marriage, but they have a lovely home, good careers and no regrets.

My son was married last Friday (£1,000.00 cheaper than a Staurday!) and it was the most beautiful wedding which they had carefully budgeted for. I did make a contribution and their friends had donated their talents in lieu of presents, so the printing, music, flowers were all given with love. The bride's parents have given them their honeymoon later this year. The venue was a 18th house and nothing felt over the top nor was crippling debt incurred. It was their day, I just felt so proud to be there.