AIBU thinking my daughter is being cruel?

I don't think your daughter is being cruel, ziggy. I think she is probably trying to find a level of communication with you that is comfortable for wherever she's at right now. I reckon she loves her mum but, shall we say, from a distance. As others have said, go easy. I wouldn't even ask her how things are; just tell her how you are and what you're up to. Hopefully, in time, she will respond in kind

I think if she was being really cruel she would have ignored your birthday and mothers day altogether. Was the fall out re the partner? That might be the reason the partner was left off the card. Or she might not still be with him. I would tread lightly and let her make the running. Just the odd text or email asking how things are as much as you can do. You cannot force her to include you in her life if she does not want it.

Sending a card despite there being no other contact should be viewed as a huge positive....not a sign of cruelty.
Estrangement, for whatever reason are person and individual and all signs of communication are precious. She is reaching out tentatively so be guided by her.

Any outsider will never know what really happened....and sometimes even those involved get their signals crossed so just be grateful, respond in kind if possible and just show a willingness to forget what's happened and take each step as it comes.

I think that when there have been troubles in a relationship, that continuing formal contact is a way of leaving the door slightly ajar so better contact can at some point be resumed. Push too hard and it may slam shut!
This is very difficult for you -I do think that you could text 'thank you for lovely card, glad to hear from you' but as others say, tread slowly.

ps, no, she is not being cruel, but just wants to build bridges very slowly

When someone is making contact, after a break, they sometimes want to do it very slowly and gently.

You do not say why the relationship has been so troubled, and it probably doesn't matter. What these cards are saying are that she doesn't want you entirely out of her life,but the fact that they only contain a name and nothing else, tells you that whatever hurt she felt from your troubles still remains and those cards acknowledge that, but still she doesn't want you actively in her life, hence the ignored texts.

I suggest you reply in kind. Send her a birthday card and Christmas card just saying something like 'love mum', do not be tempted to say anything else or put kisses on it and as she slowly escalates the contact (and I am sure she will), match her but do not exceed her.

I think you must think years rather than months, but if you are prepared to play the slow game, things could gradually come right, but do not push her, that will just make her retreat.

It must be so frustrating to have that little bit of contact all on her terms. It seems that she wants contact but not enough that things would have to be discussed. I am not good at waiting and would probably force the issue and make it worse I hope you have more patience than I do.

Cards are contact, I would have thought. You know your daughter is thinking of you.
Maybe she is having personal problems she doesn't feel able to share and would rather keep minimal contact than mislead you with 'Everything's fine' messages.

I would go slowly. Slow but sure catches the hare. Not sure if that's completely the right expression but I think that your daughter is making some contact and perhaps things will improve eventually.

thanks for replies. I just don't understand why she is ignoring my calls and texts. why send cards if she doesn't want to have contact

Agree with kathsue. Just tread lightly. Send cards or presents as you normally do. Don't ask anything of her for the time being. It's amazing how piercing it can feel when they don't put the normal xx at the end. I sometimes wonder if it was always like this or whether todays ability to constantly be able to get in touch has made lack of contact more noticeable. I think it's positive that she is making some contact.

Don't know what went wrong between you but at least she is making some contact now. I don't think she is deliberately being cruel. You can't expect things to suddenly go back to normal. I wouldn't push things, just let her resume contact with you at her own pace.
One step at a time.