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Advice re daughter

(15 Posts)
Hildagard Wed 26-Dec-18 19:15:59

I will try to make this as concise as is possible. Background, two daughters, divorced their father along time ago, remarried to DH opposite of their father, kind, patient, fun . Divorced their father because of domestic violence. Now to problem, daughters are like opposites, don’t get on that well. Eldest has had several toxic relationships, two children no partner at present. Other daughter happily married with children. Eldest is the problem. Social services are involved but don’t seem to be helping. Children do not have any discipline. Love them as they are my GC but....... find it very difficult when we are together as they don’t respond to anything just misbehave. Their Mum and I have difficult relationship, she is very close to her father and the way she treats me borders on contempt. I don’t understand her relationship with her father after she witnessed the violence . Other daughter rarely sees her father. If it wasn’t for the GC I think I would become estranged from my daughter, which I feel so guilty about, but she rebuffs any feelings I show

to her and has no conversation, just plays on her phone the minute she comes in. I think she desperately needs a lot of counselling, but she refuses it. She blames everyone else for the wrong things in her life and feels she is entitled to so much more......sorry for rant I feel a bit better just writing it down. But it is just that I don’t know what if anything I can do to improve things for her the children and our relationship. Ideas anyone

Bridgeit Wed 26-Dec-18 21:01:49

Sorry to read of your difficulties, the only thing I can suggest is that you go together for the first couple of counselling sessions & then allow the counsellor to guide you thereafter. Best wishes

Hildagard Wed 26-Dec-18 21:39:30

She won’t consider counselling, unfortunately ?

Lynne59 Wed 26-Dec-18 22:03:59

The fact that your eldest daughter has had toxic relationships, no man in her life at the moment, is why her kids are badly-behaved. Your daughter perhaps has had relationships with unsuitable men because she saw that you did (you say your husband was violent and she witnessed that). I cannot understand, then, why she would want to see her father (your ex). She obviously seems to resent YOU, though.

You could still have a relationship with your grandchildren, possibly see them without your daughter being there?

Does your daughter get on with your husband?

Hildagard Wed 26-Dec-18 22:15:48

Yes she does get on with my husband. I just don’t understand why she is so close to her father, after what he did. She seems to blame me or anyone else she can for her problems.

Anja Wed 26-Dec-18 22:37:48

If your GC and daughter come as a package then make visits shortish and sweet for their sakes and ignore daughter’s behaviour and concentrate on the GC.

Hildagard Thu 27-Dec-18 07:56:39

Anna that is what I try to do, but, it is hard work youngest is a nightmare.

mumofmadboys Thu 27-Dec-18 08:36:54

I don't think you can do anything else really. Carry on loving her and the GC and accepting them as they are. Maybe with time she will change. It is easy for her to blame her problems on others. Maybe in time she will ask for help. Try not to criticise and just carry on being loving. Please let us know how it goes.

Anniebach Thu 27-Dec-18 09:10:02

She loves her father , doesn’t excuse her behaviour with you but perhaps her father fills a need

eazybee Thu 27-Dec-18 09:56:29

You say your daughter treats you with contempt.
Unfortunately, for whatever reason, there is little chance of improving your relationship as long as she maintains that attitude.
Focus on your grandchildren as much as you are able, and your other daughter.

Hildagard Thu 03-Jan-19 10:50:02

Thanks for replies and advice. Yesterday we took grandkids out, long walk, park and a snack, without Mum. All went very well. Definitely the way to go.

agnurse Thu 03-Jan-19 18:18:13

The relationship between abused children and their parents is often very complex. Yes, he wasn't a nice person. Yes, he was horrible to you. But, he's her FATHER. For her to admit that he isn't a nice person and that he did terrible things is for her to admit that her childhood (at least the period where you and her father were together) wasn't safe. One of her most basic needs - safety - wasn't met. That's very hard for someone to acknowledge.

You can't force her into counselling. The most you can do is be there for her as much as she will let you and try to develop a good relationship with your GC (but don't do it behind your daughter's back).

Hildagard Thu 03-Jan-19 18:53:45

agnurse thanks for that, I’m not going behind her back just keeping confrontation to a minimum.

BradfordLass72 Thu 03-Jan-19 19:36:37

The only thing I can suggest that others have not, is that perhaps you could sometimes see your grandchildren separately. One at a time that is. Make them feel special.

It sounds to me as if they are craving love and positive attention - hence the bad behaviour. Children misbehave to get attention = love, because they can't articulate their needs.

Maybe start with a half-day with your youngest gc, doing crafts or whatever delights them (nature, space, dinosaurs) another walk or play in the park?

You don't say what age they are but I have a feeling they need a safe haven they are not getting from Mum. Not implying she's violent, not for a moment, just that she doesn't know how to meet their needs as she's so busy trying to work out her own.

Hildagard Thu 03-Jan-19 19:49:13

That is very good advice, thanks. Problem is I know that is not her fault but she does take after her Dad., and I do have concerns. Hopefully SS will realise that it isn’t just the past toxic relationships but she herself that needs guidance.