To not end this relationship because my children don’t want me in it?

Stella1949 oops not 1049

I don't think 3.5 years is too short to find someone to share your life with. I also don't think it matters how happy the previous marriage was either, grief affects us all differently and we can never judge .
Life is short, your late husbands early death is a prime example of why we should grab life whilst we can. Your children have had a very privileged life and as a teacher I'm sure you have seen children from less secure backgrounds so know this is true. There is never and never should be a designated mourning period before the surviving partner starts to live their lives again. My great aunt was married for 59 years when her husband died, they were a very happy, loving, funny couple who always made everyone feel welcome. After his death, within 2.5 years, she had emigrated to Australia where 2 of their daughters lived, met a widow who she married and had a lovely 11 month marriage before he passed away.
Life is for the living so live your life for yourself, a happy woman is a loving woman, which makes you good to be around. I agree with Stella1049 and some of the other comments but I also think you know exactly what you need to do and need a little reassurance that you're not being unreasonable. Good luck and I hope you live a long and happy fulfilled life

Get on with your life that's what I say!!

All the above!!! Plus it sounds as though your ACs are still basically in mourning for their dad, who, for all his flaws, was still their dad.
Sometimes adult children - and, very noticeably, siblings - get "forgotten about" when someone dies.
When my father died I couldn't help noticing that almost all the condolences went automatically to my mother as the "chief bereaved". Which of course she was - but nonetheless my brother and I were also bereaved. The most annoying person of all was my own father in law who said "Send my condolences to your mother" and never said a single word to me about my own loss.
It may feel a little like that for your ACs: they may feel their loss is somehow being overlooked.
I hope you will take heart from all the supportive remarks here, and from the fact that you have a lovely DIL and SIL who hopefully will bring your ACs round. They need to reflect a bit on your needs. If one of them died, would they expect the spouse to be celibate for life?

I saw this happen with a dear friend of mine. She was widowed and met a widower at the age of 65 - and embarked on a very passionate relationship! It was actually HIS daughters who were appalled. They told him she was after his money (actually she is very wealthy); refused to meet her, etc. He refused to give her up (good for him) and so kept the two parts of his life separate. As the years have gone by, all but one of the daughters has come around (the youngest still refuses to meet her) but he has never wavered in his refusal to give her up. They are now planning to move in together but not to marry (they have taken out powers of attourney for medical issues only). He has written to his daughters setting this out, and that they will keep their finances separate (so they can stop worrying about losing their inheritance). You could either do this - keep both parts of your life separate - or try to clarify what exactly it is they object to. Worried about losing their inheritance? Feel that you're betraying their father and your "perfect" marriage? Shocked at realising that you're still a sexual being? It's only when you "tease" these things out that you can address them. BUT don't feel that you need their permission - don't give them that power over your life (it's not healthy - for them or for you).

I’m so happy for you and angry at your children. Your life is precious and it’s not up to them to push their feelings on you. Go and enjoy your life. We only have one. We have to take each stage as it comes. You have been a devoted wife and mother. You are now a devoted grandmother. It does not diminish anything you had with your husband by finding new happiness and I’m amazed your children don’t understand. Bottom line is, do what YOU want to do and enjoy it. Love to you xx

Do not give in to your children, they are being entirely selfish regarding your happiness. That said, they obviously have a variety of feelings which need to be taken into consideration but if it were me, I would make reassurance my priority when they made them known. I would suggest that you are honest about the relationship rather than using subterfuge but make sure that you are are positive about aspects of your relationship with your late husband so they cannot accuse you of being disloyal. One the whole, I would leave their better halves to make inroads into their negativity. It might make time, but if this friend is as genuinely nice as you thing, they will come round eventually especially if they seem him treating you with respect and kindness.

My 3 openly say that they would love me to meet someone else. Truly heart breaking for you to be torn like this, your AC are being very selfish in my opinion. Follow your own heart as they have theirs .... we only live once.

My husband died nearly 3 years ago. Before he got sick I told him that if I died I would like him to find somebody else and get married again. I was never a very fit person due to my asthma. Now I am 78 and still asthmatic but if I ever meet somebody worthy of my love I would do my best to make both of us happy. Would probably not expect sex though! But I would never marry again because if so my children may think that my new husband was after my property.
Why don't you WW and your boyfriend go away on a little holiday together, maybe a long weekend, and tell your children that if they try to contact you, you will not be available until (date)? See how they react then.
You deserve happiness as we all do, .

I mean it doesn't matter how perfect he was - even if he didn't have any negative points whatsoever - 3 years is way long enough whatever direction you look at it. But it might be worth asking if they have a particular problem with this particular man - just in case there is something you'd be better off knowing...

WeepingWidow - I was in a similar situation to your ACs when my father died.
My DM met someone 3 years later when she was a similar age to your age now. He was 10 years younger than her and married at the time and she got swept off her feet. He turned up on her doorstep soon after saying his marriage had broken down and she allowed him to move in.
My sisters and I were convinced he was a gold-digger and
there was nothing that we could have said or done to persuade my mother to look for someone better. However, since he had to wait for 5 years to get divorced we had time to see what he was like.
If you're not rushing anything or moving in together then your ACs should be patient and see how things go.
Do you think they could be worrying about the BF getting hold of your money or is it just the idea of their DM having sex with someone other than their DF?
My DM paid all the household bills, gave him money if he needed a new car but kept all her bank accounts in her sole name. She told us all she would be leaving him was the right to live in her flat till he died, though we didn't know he'd have to pay all the bills in the flat as well, which we were worried about.
Be patient with your children and ask them gently what it is they are worried about/object to about this man.
Btw, have you met his ACs?

Oh wow! What prudish children! 3 years is WAY long enough to show respect to your late husband. Oh dear I do hope they chill out a little

You only live once. Good luck.

It’s great that you have found a new love. 3.5 years is long enough and I think your children are being unbelievably selfish. You are only 55 and therefore you perhaps bring it home to them that you need a more intimate partner in your life. Of course you love them all, but I’m sure they are living their lives the way they want it and surely that should be for you also. The masters could be done online, whichperhaps will allow you more Grandchildren time.

I think it is always difficult if you are lucky enough to find another partner after the death of your husband/wife, more so if there are children from either previous marriage. Although your DC have the very best intentions they will not always be able to ensure that you won't be 'lonely'. Their lives will get complicated and time will get short, it wouldn't be fair to either of you for them to try to commit to such a promise. I agree that you need to stand your ground, I was widowed 21 years ago when my DH died at 46 years old after a heart attack. I really miss the ordinary day to day things you do when you have a partner, it isn't the same when you are on your own. Are you able to introduce your new BF to your children? If they got to meet him and to get to know him perhaps this might deal with their worries that he is only after your money! As to three and a half years being 'too soon' - time really has nothing to do with it, a friend was widowed and, as a result of the funeral notice in the paper, was contacted by an old school friend. They met up for coffee and within a year had married. They are blissfully happy and I am sure his previous wife would be happy to know someone else is looking after him and making him happy. I know if I had died instead of DH I would have wanted him to find someone else and not feel he had to live by himself. Hopefully your DC will come to see how happy your BF makes you

I can't believe how selfish and self centred adult children can be sometimes. I've been alone since my forties, almost 30 years and believe me I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I never met anyone because I concentrated solely on my children and grandchildren. Now that they have all moved on with their own lives I've never been as lonely as I am now, even though I try to lead an active social life. I would try to find out what the real reason for their hostility is - are they are worried about losing their inheritance, or free childcare - or both? You only have one life OP, don't let your children dictate how you should live it.

I sincerely hope that in time your children will come to their senses and stop being so selfish.. and realise what a wonderful loving Mother they were lucky to have, and therefore will naturally want you to enjoy happiness for it’s is so truly deserved.. if after a reasonable amount of time has elapsed and still they are behaving like immature spoilt brats ... then may l respectfully advise.. you remove those tinted glasses they wear for them... by giving them the’real truth about their late Father okay What ever you do don’t let
this lovely Gentleman go because of them ....
Wishing you very happiness Good Luck
[ shamrock]

You absolutely deserve happiness, go for it, enjoy it x

I can understand their feelings but why can't they understand yours? I find their negativity appalling. Surely we all have one life and hope to get to old age with present hubby or partner but life can be cruel. You deserve happiness keep them separate and hopefully in time their might be a defrosting of feelings from them. How would they feel if the same thing happened to them?

Least said Soonest Mended. There is no need for long in depth discussions with your children. Your lovely friend is not moving in so there is no issue to be forced. Let time take it’s course and I am sure everyone will embrace your new situation.

Time for you to live and enjoy your own life!!
Anything your adult children don't like they can lump!
Have them adopted and let someone else change their nappies!
If your late husband loved you he would be over the moon
You've found happiness again!!
You can't live with the past.being (Dictated) to either .

Am I the only one who thinks money is behind all this, and your children fear for their inheritance?

I have been on the other side of this. I was widowed young. Five years on, I met a lovely widower. I was his first relationship since his wife had died three years earlier.

When he told his daughter he had met someone, she objected vehemently saying he was betraying her mother. She refused to meet me and threatened to stop him seeing his grandchildren if he did not stop seeing me.

She had a husband, two children and a full-time career which kept her very busy but she would rather her father be alone and lonely than find a companion and some happiness again.

We carried on seeing one another for a while after her ultimatum but it never felt the same. Each time he called her to make arrangements to see his family, she would ask if he was still seeing me. When he replied yes, she would make an excuse that she was too busy. I could see it was hurting him, not seeing his grandchildren.

Also, in the back of my mind was the question, did I want to meet this selfish woman? Would I want her as a potential future daughter in law? The answer was no so I let him go.

Only last year, I was talking to a widow who had encountered the same problem when she met a widower. She told me they continued their relationship not exactly in secret but "quietly and in the background" for three years before her family reluctanctly agreed to accept him.

I would never have tolerated that situation or the notion of having to be accepted.

The man I let go kept in touch by email on and off for five years after those events. In that time, he had never tried to meet anyone else and had accepted the conditions his daughter imposed upon him. That made me as angry as it did sad. I didn't hear from him after that and rather hoped he had met someone and found happiness again but suspect he may have died.

Be careful you don't lose this good man. They don't come along that often.

Just keep the two parts of your life as separate as possible for the time being.

You say your son got married recently. Is he the one that can hardly look at you?
When he was planning this wedding, did you tell him not to because you would keep him company and go on holiday with him and so on?
If your daughter finds a partner, will you stop her going out with them?
Of course not.

They need to see it in these terms WW - you don't interfere in their lives - they don't interfere in yours. I am sure they want you to be happy but they need to see your happiness is far more than just having a companion
and being intimate.

It's that feeling of being special to someone, of knowing you can bring them joy as well.

I hope this can be settled amicably because the one thing I would caution against is telling your children about your husbands dark side (although I suspect they may know, surely he wasn't just lazy and stubborn when they were not around?)
That could so easily come out in anger if they push you too hard. It's best to keep that completely to yourself.

As others have said, this is YOUR life and you're the one who makes the decisions. You'd regret it if you bowed to their wishes and life is too short for regrets.