why don’t they get it?

What Cornergran says is absolutely right Mamma66 you cannot continue like this.
Your stepson has to take on care of the children, I think tough love is called for. I understand you want to support the children but you have other responsibilities and need to stay in good health.

You describe an unsustainable scenario mamma66. You must be exhausted physically and emotionally. It’s so hard to watch children suffer and I totally understand the choices you have made to provide them some stability. My only thought is whether there is a Child Contact Centre in your area where your step son could go (be required to go) and spend time with his children. The supervision would be provided by staff/volunteers attached to the Centre and you would get some time off. It might need an intervention from Social Services or the Court but the outcome could be worth the process. I suspect your brother asked you in hope, knowing your situation in theory won’t give him a true understanding of your reality. I’m sure he wasn’t being deliberately unkind, just hopeful but it’s understandable you found his request a bit thoughtless

Tell your stepson to step up, they're his kids and he needs to be more active with them. You'll be doing him and them a favour.

A family I know were in a similar situation, although it was't a stepson. The father was spending so little time with his children, often leaving them with his 21yo girlfriend while he went out in the town. Social Services got to know about it and stopped all contact for a while because of the detrimental effect it was having on the children.

What is your stepson doing while you care for the children? Is he around or does he go out?

Sorry that sounds really moany! ?

My stepson only works one day a week/fortnight, invariably it’s the Saturday the kids come. My husband works shaifts. We have to supervise contact between the children and my stepson, it can’t be just anyone, it is currently a requirement by Social Services. We have the children for their sake, to give them some much needed stability and security, it’s not for the benefit of my Stepson. He makes a big thing of having the kids, but actions speak louder than words and I look after the children. He has no interest or involvement in anything like getting up with them, bathing them, feeding them, putting them to bed, looking after them when poorly, it’s down to me and the hubby when he’s here. I don’t think that there’s much I can do about the children at present. As for Stepson we have told him he has to stand on his own two feet and move out by 1st June. What I am irritated by is the attitude of my brother, he knows what we’re going through and why and yet he is annoyed because we can’t have my Dad this Sunday. I would love to have weekends that belonged to us again, this situation is not our doing

1. If your stepson has to have supervised access, that doesn’t need to be done by you. Presumably social services are involved, so you could contact them, explain your situation, and see if different contact arrangements can be made. 2. While you’re negotiating new arrangements, you and your husband should talk to your stepson. It seems your stepson isn’t that bothered about spending time with the children, so the burden falls on you. It shouldn’t be a burden, you should be able to enjoy your grandchildren at times that are convenient for you. Perhaps you could explain this to your stepson, and say that from now on he will be responsible for looking after the children- bedtimes, activities, mealtimes.
You and your husband sound like lovely, caring people, it’s a shame your duties are exhausting you.

Why is your son doing so little of the child care?
I would say because you're allowing it.

I would think it is time to hand over the responsibility of the children to him. He is their father after all. It does seem sometimes that when adult children return home they fall into old routines. Talk to him, tell him what you need him to to ie clean up, undo the damage, look after his children the whole time. That way you can see them for an hour or two and do something fun with them which would be more normal.

This is very difficult for you because you obviously care very much for all the generations of your family. Could your stepson organise to have the children on his days off? I presume he gets other blocks of time off due to his shift rotas. He must be working very hard but he needs to help you help him. Hopefully he does the bath and bedtime routines which should be fun and means he is taking over from you at the end of tiring days. Others will be along with more insight and better advice but I wish you all well.