why don’t they get it?

Without boring everyone. We gave 18 years, ensuring our gc had stability. Loved him to bits but it was hard for us we never seemed to have a break. Now I'm on my own, I rarely see him, my husband said this would happen, I think I was wrong doing it, but I knew no one else would and I loved him so. I just wish my husband could have lived so we could have had some time together.

Mamma66. Are you able to speak to the social worker about this, it’s really not fair on you. You really cannot make yourselves ill over your stepsons children, however much you love them, after all, I doubt wether your stepson will pick up the pieces if you and your husband get ill.

Your step grandchildren are lucky to have you. Your stepson sounds demanding and difficult.

To be honest I read your post and considered the practical steps you can take to look after yourself and your DH too.

I would make sure that all the weekends your DH has off from work should be the weekends your step grandchildren are not in your home. Maybe not all but many. Don’t forget to take a break from care giving to spend time with your DH. Being more proactive in the planning and saying what doesn’t work for you can often prompt people to step up and in.

I also wondered why your father could not stay at home this one weekend by himself in this instance. Perhaps I am wrong but if it really doesn’t work then sometimes it is okay for plans to change or to say ‘we will do this thing later’. Alternatively, just this once he would have to get along with children also present.

Lastly, your stepson should be looking after his children, the grunt work and it should be your DH telling his son, rather than you.

It doesn’t hurt to go out and not be available every now and again OP, leave your DH to grandparent (and it seems parent).

Can see why S. S. insist you and husband supervise. Sounds as if they know your son isn't interested in his children. You need to speak to him, point out what would happen if you don't continue in the supervisory role ie he will not be allowed any contact and he will be destroying his relationship as well as taking any stability away from the children. You sound as if you are carrying all the responsibility and with your DF as well and working you will be running yourself into the ground. Your son sounds very selfish. Please take care of yourself and get him to accept responsibility for his actions or lack of.

There seems little point in your step son having his children to stay at your house, if he doesn't want to interact with them. You and his father should be enjoying child free days, as and when you want. Not being made to look after your step son's children, whilst he is off doing other things. It sounds as though his father needs to have a stern word with him about finding a place of his own. In view of the fact, that visits have to be supervised, maybe, he could spend 3 hrs or so at your house when he has the children, before returning them to their mother. Your brother hasn't grumbled at you, because he cares about you. But also knows that you are tied down by the actions of your stepson. If you were to be ill in bed, would you still have the children over? It sounds very much, as though your step son is taking advantage of your good nature, by expecting you and his father to look after his children, when he is supposed to be doing it. Perhaps you could let your step son's wife know that you can only supervise visits for 3 hrs or so. Then she can make arrangements to collect them.

Mamma66- it is good that you have talked to your brother, it is so easy to misunderstand the actions of others. This is especially true when you are going through difficult times that other people cannot possibly understand. It does sound as if you are making the most of a situation were there are no winners. At least you also have plans that should make things more manageable in the future. You can only do your best by your grandchildren.

Mamma66. I'm so glad you have talked to your brother, good for you. I think the support of your own family and the normality of them is important for you and I really mean it about your Dad, I would hate you to regret that you hadn't seen more of him.
I realise how agonising this is for these poor children. Unless you and your husband are in a position to provide a home for them, I still do not think it is best that you have them on your own when their father is supposed to be with them. It must be so very distressing for you to see the children in this situation, but your position is not one from which you can give a permanent home and security. Do you have contact with their mother? It might e nice if you keep in touch with her and support her so she knows that the Gradad and his wife are there for her. I think it really is important that SS know what happens on these weekends and the distance the father keeps from his children. The fact that you are exhausted is another important factor. This is not sustainable. The children need a more secure permanent basis on which to build their lives.

All together that sounds a nightmare situation and these days SS do not have the funding.
Oh to be retired.

Good for you Mamma66
You're a fine example to women and mothers everywhere.
I hope all your plans work out well and I'm hoping to read positive news at some time in the future.
Look after yourself and best wishes.

I do feel torn, my actions are totally in the best interests of the children. They are currently under Child Protection, both parents have failed them although Mum seems to have had a lightbulb moment and is making a much bigger effort of late. Our actions are motivated by giving the children stability, consistency, security and love as neither parent has put them first. Mum is making efforts now at least, my Stepson I truly believe will never be the Father they need him to be. We spent years supporting them, and my husband and I both said, “you are both adults, we need to prioritise the children and put them first.” Hence the situation we are currently in. My husband is supportive, my Stepson has no real relationship with his mother and she neither knows nor shows any interest in any of her grandchildren. She is not a very nice person to be honest and the children are strangers to her, I don’t think she has seen the 5 or the 2 year old more than twice since they were born and when she did see them she just used it as a platform to cause trouble. My Stepson had a very bad accident two and a half years ago and whilst he has challenges, I’m afraid he is fundamentally lazy. It’s a difficult situation all round. I have at least talked to my brother, as a couple of you commented, my annoyance with him was misplaced

Have you lovely Dad,he will be fine,just try it this once he will get a good laugh with the chaos and be amused by the children and probably give some good advice.He will probably enjoy the children and may enjoy some activity with them,might be calming for the children & he can probably tell them some good stories.Sorry life is so hard for you at present.

I thought I had replied from my phone earlier, but it seems to have disappeared, so here goes again.

SS will certainly not be able to provide supervised contact over a weekend, and it would seem that this is the only time that contact is possible.

As you stepson is reluctant to take practical steps to be with the children when they are with him, it would seem to be one of those cases where the children have been used as a pawn in a legal situation/split. This so often happens, with no regard for the children.
I wonder if his 'need' to work most Saturdays is because actually he can't cope with the children/doesn't want them either.
Poor children!
I also wonder about Mums need to have every other weekend free, especially when you say that their weekends with you are to give them safety and security (that post seems to have disappeared as well) then I wonder at the situation with Mum.
Perhaps it is the time to go back to SS and perhaps have a Family Conference, or at the least a discussion about what is actually best for the children----and why.
Are there concerns that if mum has the children all the time they are at risk?

To answer you question about your brother, yes I do feel he is being thoughtless

Can’t the maternal grandparents help out with the children? You have a lot to contend with and deserve only praise for what you are doing.

Why does he need to be supervised? Is that are a parenting issue?

Are you really sure your dad couldn't cope with being there at the same time as the kids? I mean it's not like you'd expect him to help with them. A lot of studies show that the elderly feel good when young children are in their lives.

I just don't know how you keep going, the stress must be immense and I really think its time you took a stand and said no more, first to SS and then the stepson. You have your own health to think about and I reckon if you keep going on the way you are you will make ourself ill. Why does it have to be supervised visits? Is he demanding these visits not out of thought for the children but to annoy his ex wife. I would contact SS immediately and tell them other arrangements have to be made quickly, maybe also bring forward the leaving date for your stepson. Good luck

Nitpick48. Sorry but you might be on the wrong thread here.

Mamma66, your grandchildren will remember you with love and affection as someone who had time for them when they needed it. Your suggestion of them spending Friday to Saturday with you will keep you close to them while leaving you and DH with some time to yourselves. Enjoy!

Mamma66 Unlike most respondents, I can see why your brother is fed-up. He cannot see why you do not put your father, who may not have long in this world, before a step son who is a shiftless reprobate who is putting on you even when your husband is at work, and dumping on you his children who should not be your responsibility at all when they are there for the sole purpose of being with their father.

I can understand why your brother is fed up because you put your husband's feckless son before your own father and don't even tell him it is his responsibility to be there. Your brother knows you are aiding and abetting a lazy reprobate who can't be bothered with his own children, when it is nothing to do with you and your true responsibility in that regard should be to notify the Social Services that the father is not there and has left his children with you who are not related to them.

I think you should put your father before that terrible son of your husband. It's time to stop wailing that you are a victim and take control. You have accepted this victim role. You could have said "NO" and when he left the children with you you could have picked up the phone and reported that he was not looking after them as his contact time agreement had stipulated.

Your dad will not live for ever.

I do mean THEIR job, predictive text not illiteracy!

What does anyone think about the dreadful things being written about Meghan Markle online? Especially in the Mail Online comments, whenever there is an article about the Royal Family. It makes me want to weep that Harry couldn’t protect his mum from the newspapers and now he can’t protect his wife. There are the most foul things being said about her and the comments are not moderated, so you get the full blast of some very vile people. I have emailed the moderator this morning to ask why he/she/they are not doing there job. Every article ends up with about 2,000 comments. Most are negative, some obscene or slanderous. I didn’t realise this was going on till recently. That poor girl.

8Mamma66*So sorry I forgot you said he has to go by 1st June! That's good. I understand you feel you are doing this for the children but if their father isn't there most of the time what good is it doing? You work full time, their GDad had 7 weekends off a year (which personally I think he should prioritise to spend with you). Think about this! You are looking after three children, not your own, for the sake of a negligent father who won't be responsible for them!

You are not looking at this clearly. This is a big problem and you are aiding someone to breach the terms of the arrangement for his contact with his children. Cutting back to Saturday sounds better but it does not address the actual issue. It is a weak kind of compromise that ignores the absolute wrong that you are supporting.
Please step out of this scenario! You've said it is too much and I'm nor surprised!
Tell the father that from now on, he has to look after his children. He has to arrange a supervisor too. And notify the SS because these are not your children and you have become exhausted. If the SS knew that the father was hardly seeing the children and that they were left with someone not even related to them, would they have agreed to these terms of contact? Would their mother have agreed? Tell them! Please! The only reason the children are there is to be with their father! You are just as bad as he is by aiding and abetting him to do what he wants! He is making it appear to SS and his ex that he has his children every other week end. They do not know that he hands them over to the lady his dad is married to who is not related to him or the children. This is wrong! You should not be assisting him in doing this! I think you should contact SS as soon as you can, even without discussing it with your husband, and tell them that 1) you have to look after the children on your own and 2) their father is hardly ever there and 3) does nothing for them when he is. Tell them 4) you are not related to them and 5) you are exhausted, that 6) you also work full-time in the week and 7) your husband is hardly ever home at the weekends!
You need to do this. I think there could be trouble if you do not. I'm glad you have given him a date to leave. Whatever you do make it clear that the child-care you have given ends june 1st when he leaves. (and even if his leaving is delayed - Heaven Forfend!) Do not let him bring them to you and dump them on you to be looked after. In truth you should stop now! Your contact with them should only be as step-Granny who comes to see them while Daddy is looking after them. Not as the person who looks after them and daddy is not there.
Time to look after yourself Mamma66, you are not getting any younger and you need to make the most of every day.
Sorry to be so direct. I felt I had to be.

Mamma66. I'm so sorry about your terrible situation. I understand your frustration at your brother, but - and please try not to get mad at me! - I can't help wondering if he was the "last straw". Maybe, being a person you can comfortably moan at and about, he got it in the neck from you at the moment when everything was boiling up inside you and so overwhelming and unmanageable that his comment just led you to explode. At him!
I think it is worth looking at the whole situation rather than just being frustrated with your brother. Yes - he is being unsympathetic and that is painful. But he's a bloke and probably hasn't really fully appreciated the full picture of how much you are dealing with. I suspect he is wondering why you are so involved with the children of an adult man. not your son, whose children are his responsibility, not yours.
It is relevant that these are your step-grandchildren. It is relevant that their blood relatives spend less time with them than you do. The point of them coming to your house is to be with their father. He is there because his father is there. You are a step mother to an adult. You are not responsible for his children.
I think maybe you should arrange to go away one Saturday when they next are due. You go out with a friend for the day. The men who are their Dad and Granddad have to stay and amuse the children. Leave strict instructions about cleaning up the house before they go.
You might make a habit of this. Then it is time their father began to find somewhere to live independently. His being with you and your husband can't be helping your marriage. Give him notice of how much longer he can stay. By the end of June, let's say, he has to be out.
I think then, when the supervised visits are made, he will either have to have a Social worker there or maybe his father will go over to his place. But his arrangements are up to him not up to you.

You looking after his children when they come for their fortnightly contact with their father and he is not there is completely ridiculous. Put your foot down and tell him you are not prepared to do it any more.

@Mamma66

Who has to supervise the 'visits' Did a court say that you had to supervise them?

I would write to the courts saying what you have here- visits will stop End of that problem for you

Then pack his bags and say Adios!

Mamma66 can I ask a couple of questions. Where is your stepsons' mother? Is there any chance she could share the weekends and your SS go there and be supervised?

Why does your SS need supervision? Has he shown signs of aggression or other behaviour that has required social services to intervene?

The key to this could be your DH. It seems your SS is behaving irresponsibly. Not pulling his weight with his children or work. But without knowing his background it's difficult to say what is to blame. If it's sheer idleness and he is going out or on computer games or watching football while you entertain/feed/bathe the children, then your DH needs to sit him down and give him a good talking to.

I had a similar, but not quite the same, situation until recently. My eldest sons' relationship broke up so he came back to live here. My other 2 sons were still living here. My 2 GDs lived with us part time and sons' new girlfriend here (I didn't mind as she was so good entertaining the children). Every weekend from fri to sun and school holidays. I was having cancer treatment at the time (chemo/radio/4 operations) and the catering/laundry/general chaos was a nightmare. I still don't know how I got through it to be honest. But, there was one very important difference, my son was with them all of the time, a great father, entertained and took them out swimming, cinema, park, cycling. He didn't take advantage, worked full time, took his holidays during the school holidays. It was just difficult but we persevered and of course, it did end. He moved out last year, girls only come here on sundays now, we are all so close knit it's lovely and the girls are doing really well.

So, you may be able to do some things now to improve the situation but do be careful about throwing him out as he will probably be fine but the children may suffer the insecurity of having to visit a day centre with a social worker present or ex DIL stop all contact if she has reason not to trust him.

As for your brother, you've explained. If he is a bit off with you tell him you'll help him out if he comes over and looks after everyone while you and DH have a weekend away. That should sort him out