To think DD's oncologist was insensitive?

Merlotgran so sorry you have been unnecessarily upset by such a direct and quite cruel experience. I do agree some consultants have a poor bedside manner, especially in these circumstances. I hope you both get more support and help at the next appointment and i wish your daughter well.

It’s so hard, I do understand. My daughter despite operations and a long cycle of chemo still has ongoing health issues. It’s a fear which never leaves you. My sympathies to you all.

Merlotgran,

What a wretched experience for your daughter and you. I'm so sorry.

It is a huge example of how to make a dreadfully sad situation worse and is inexcusable. Your focus for now will be on continuing to support your daughter but perhaps one day you'll feel able to report the consultant's behaviour and take some comfort from the hope that others might be spared that shocking experience.

Just adding my thoughts and agreement with all who have spoken about such an uncaring ‘professional’ that have gone before.
(I tried to post yesterday, but it kept disappearing).
Merlotgran, love and prayers for you, your DD and all the family

Clever as these people are there's still no excuse for their appalling bedside manners and I've come across a few in my past nursing experiences, particularly one arrogant individual who told my late husband point blank he was going to die, to which I answered the registrar by saying " we all are at some point ", then promptly marched out of the consulting room, husband in tow.

I sincerely hope your DD doesn't meet with this kind of conversation again and I'm sure you and the family will do your level best to regain the positivity that should surround her. x

I agree with Mapleleaf the room needs to be rearranged- it sounds a bizarre situation with the doctor dishing out horrendous news in such a brutal fashion and then typing seconds later without giving a thought to the patient. A modicum of kindness would not go amiss there.

This is beyond sad for your daughter you and all your family and I am terribly sorry that you are all in this dreadful situation.

Some years ago someone very close to me was in the same situation and the consultant refused to give either him or me any information. He didn't believe in telling patients that their cancer had progressed or was now incurable. I would never like to go back to those days where it was considered that doctor knows best. However, the way your consultant spoke to your daughter was appalling. It was a total lack of humanity and empathy. That consultant should not be in that branch of medicine with that attitude.

merlot.
The oncologist does sound very brusque and tactless.
I know the facts have to be given, but there are ways and means of doing this.
It really does seem, from what you describe, that they do need to evaluate how they approach patients and how they set the room out! That particular consultant requires further 'people skills' training!

Thanks again, everyone. I've learned a lot from reading your comments. I'm pinning my hopes on next Tuesday's meeting being a lot more positive as we'll be meeting the support team and the oncology nurse.

It must be their intention to keep things brusque and business like with the initial consultation. The room was large and chairs placed about twelve feet from each other which meant that when DD was distressed I couldn't hold her hand or hug her without getting up and crossing the room. The oncologist typed her report throughout therefore leaving large gaps in conversation while she tapped away. She had her back to me the whole time and when she got up to talk she stood at the far end of the room. We felt very exposed.

We have to put this behind us though in readiness for next week's meeting or DD will be wound up before we get there.

Another visit from DD2 will cheer her up no doubt.

Sorry - grumppa

That's very true grumpaa.

The fundamental law of medicine is "do no harm". This must include doing no emotional or mental harm, and this oncologist's manner was not just inexcusable, but against this basic rule. The elevated status of consultant does not confer exemption.

I do feel for you merlot, a little kindness goes a long way. I only saw my Oncologist once and she was brusque, very matter of fact. Follow up appointments were with an Oncology nurse practitioner who was very caring.
I told my consultant that his delivery of diagnosis was 'pretty brutal' but he said that I needed all the facts so that I knew what I was dealing with.
I hope that your DD gets the care and compassion she deserves from other staff members.

I too am brought to tears by so thoughtless and heartless an attitude to your daughter. My own petty health concerns are firmly put in perspective by your family's experience.
Thinking of you all and wishing your daughter better support from other HCPs she may have to face.
Consultants surely aren't trained and paid to make clients feel put down by harsh negativity.

This is awful merlot . How insensitive. My DH has cancer, thankfully in remission, and has only been treated with kindness. I have a friend whose DD was diagnosed. The oncologist gave them the diagnosis as 'its cancer, you've got three months' .

Don’t underestimate the power senior nurses have. I took one very curt Constltant to task and she apologised to the patient.

It’s not acceptable. She isn’t acting professionally or well and a senior nurse should step in and tell her so.

Totally unacceptable merlot I would certainly write and complain to the Oncology Dept.
Sending heartfelt thoughts to you and you DD .

So sorry to hear your story, Merlot.

It's hard to believe that people who work in this very difficult field can be so uncaring. I don't think your experience was unusual, either. I have a friend going through this at the moment, 18months on an assortment of chemo punctuated by a big operation on her liver. She tells me her oncologist was offhand and disorganised the last time she saw her. My friend is so upset.

As there is a shortage of professionals in this field, it seems they unlikely to be censured or pushed back to laboratory work.

for you and your DD, and hope that she receives better care in future.

to you all. X

Your daughter's oncologist was worse than insensitive; in her brief consultation she destroyed all the progress that the other medical teams had worked so hard to achieve. Mental strength is of massive importance in coping with illness.
A young friend training to be a doctor told me that the importance of a good 'bedside manner' was drummed into them continually; I think you should write a letter of complaint to the highest authority at the hospital about the oncologist's consultation, as she is actively damaging the work of other departments, not to mention the severe effect on your daughter.
Most hospitals pride themselves on their attitude towards their patients and I think they would welcome the knowledge that this is not always the case, and take steps to remedy it.
I am so sorry for such a dreadful situation.

Your post made me cry merlotgran how heartbreaking for you and your girl.

No it’s not on. I would approach the senior nurse in charge of your dds care and tell her about it. As a retired nursing sister myself I would have taken the consultant to task. Utterly unacceptable.

Maybe write your thoughts down in a letter and give it to the ward sister. Not a formal complaint but your thoughts and how her attitude needs changing.

I am praying for you and your dd

That must have been so difficult for you both Merlot It's hard to believe someone could think this was an acceptable way to pass on such news. I can understand that getting involved in a complaints process is the last thing on your mind.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Merlot sending you and your daughter my best wishes. Having walked this walk with DH, we experienced kindness and care from his medical team. Palliative chemo bought him more time.
I am sorry your consultant has treated you badly and feel very angry on your behalf.

My long post has disappeared.
In essence the Oncologist was very cruel and uncaring.
My.prayers will be with you all.
Positive is the only way to go now, if you can manage it.
So very sorry for you all.

Thank goodness your DD has you there for her Merlot

Oh merlot I just wanted to say I had no idea your dear daughter was so poorly. I am so sorry. That oncoligist wants a good talking to ! How dare she upset someone so unwell.

The experience we had with my mums oncologist couldn’t have been more different. He never once mentioned the word cancer or tumour, which I know isn’t right for everyone, but it was absolutely right for my mum who always struggled to face any kind of upset, never mind something so serious. Somehow he just “read her right” and referred to her cancer as “hot spots” (of which she had several) . It worked for her.

Your daughter will be in my thoughts merlot wishing her lots and lots of