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AIBU

Worried I have upset my daughter

(77 Posts)
Nanamarch1603 Thu 04-Apr-19 12:21:29

My DD messaged me last night to tell me she has been offered a full time job. She now works part time in an unrewarding but very flexible job which fits in with grandchildren activities (10 and 11). I help most weeks by picking up from school and also look after them in the holidays whenever needed. I phoned her to discuss and we worked through the pros and cons. She would like a more challenging job but that will come with other sacrifices. My husband and I (2nd marriage) have recently returned from holiday after a lovely relaxing time and are seriously thinking of moving to the coast for a change of lifestyle before we are too old. We are both retired. During our chat DD asked me if I could continue helping with the children. I said of course I would help but felt I had to let her know about our thoughts of moving in case it would impact on her decision whether to take the job or not. I have tried to speak to her this morning and text to see how she was as I think she will wrestle with this decision. So far she has not text back or returned my phone call. I am worried now that I have upset her. Looking at other’s posts it seems so easy for us grandparents to be taken for granted when help is wanted but at other times treated as a “non person” who basically keeps putting their foot in it!

GG54 Sun 07-Apr-19 11:50:12

Hi all from mumsnet.
Thought I'd have a look on here. If I was the OP I'd carry on with her plans.
When you start getting treated as a piece of furniture then it's time to put an end to being taken for granted. Just sayin

Gemmag Sun 07-Apr-19 11:39:54

It’s difficult when things are said as you can’t take them back and you then see someone in a different light!. I’m so glad your DD has apologised as she should have. She does sound a bit spoilt and selfish but you just move on and make the best of it.
If you really do want to move you have to be sure it’s what you want to do and not just your DH as you will come to resent him if you begin to miss your DGC.
I have a friend who flies to the other end of the country to baby sit and that makes her happy so...........
Grandparents are taken for granted and today’s children expect too much. They work long hours, haven’t got enough time for the children, husband, socialising, garden etc., but who’s fault is that?. It certainly isn’t the grandparents fault but they are made to feel guilty by their very selfish AC. You have done nothing to reproach yourself for, it’s your life and the years just seem to disappear so if you want to go and live by the coast you do that. Your family will have lovely free holidays and your DD will just have to manage. 🌷.

Magrithea Sun 07-Apr-19 10:57:04

HildaW had some wise words!

What about going and staying in the coastal place of your choice, where you think you might want to move to , for an extended period of time? That way you will get a feel for the place, what you like and dislike about it and it will also give your DD an idea of what life will be like without your support.

You don't say if there is a husband/spouse/partner in the picture - do they help in any way or their parents??

Baloothefitz Sun 07-Apr-19 02:17:45

Let

Baloothefitz Sun 07-Apr-19 02:17:06

I'm so sorry your daughter has been so horrid to you Nanamarch when you were just being upfront with her about your future plans.Don't let her put you off what you & your husband feel is right for you. Good luck ....

Leavesden Sat 06-Apr-19 22:22:34

I think you have already given so much of your time to your daughter and grandchildren, but you deserve to live the life you want, as we get older time seems short and you need to enjoy it. I’m sure if your daughter wanted to move away from you she wouldn’t think twice about it and would expect you to support her decision, so it should also work the other way.

Barmeyoldbat Sat 06-Apr-19 22:12:37

Agree with your post Sodapop, we have a life to live and it now the turn of our AC to take on their responsibilities. You could tell your daughter that when you move you can do your childcare bit by having the gc to stay now and again during school holidays.

Sleepygran Sat 06-Apr-19 21:34:48

Our AC have been made to feel they are the absolute centre, middle, and outer of our lives so they feel they can treat us however they like.
My DH has always indulged our AC and continues to do so,me, not so much. Consequently they phone him all the time to ask for favours.some time ago I decided to back off for my own sanity.I am better for it.
Our AC often put their friends needs before ours,but With any luck their friends will support them when we can't or arnt here anymore.

LuckyFour Sat 06-Apr-19 19:31:40

In three or four years they won't need you at all then you will be less I portent to them. I found I had put myself out for my DD for years then was easily discarded. Be careful you don't make the wrong decision.

Mawee Sat 06-Apr-19 18:50:04

You should stick to your plans. You are their Grandma not their minder. No doubt they will also benefit if you move near the coast 😀🏖⛵️🍦

Rocknroll5me Sat 06-Apr-19 18:16:18

I’d tend to go for the ‘leave it for a couple of years’ solution, children that age can be such a joy, before their hormones kick in when you will perhaps not be seen as so important for a while!
And your daughter, what a shame she is not feeling able to take that worthwhile job. Basically I believe we all have our time in the sun and it is natural that it should be when you are young...and I think the old should step back and make way for them, it is their turn.
You are in a second marriage, so your husband is not your daughter’s father which might be influencing you.
Women have always had to make tough decisions. Good luck.

Mumto4 Sat 06-Apr-19 17:31:02

A old friend off mine would say i am a granny not a nanny. Hope things work out for you .

dorcas1950 Sat 06-Apr-19 17:00:59

Gabriella G: it's not about you.

moggie57 Sat 06-Apr-19 16:41:53

Maybe you can suggest that you have the grandchildren during the holidays.they her children she gave to find a person to pick them up from school.you gave to think of yourselves now.

Florence64 Sat 06-Apr-19 16:34:56

I guessed there must be something else behind her outburst and I'm so glad she apologised. Glad you can put it behind you as it does sound like you have a lovely relationship with her and your grandchildren.

quizqueen Sat 06-Apr-19 16:31:15

The children will be old enough to look after themselves soon and there are others to help out with childcare too. When people decide to have children, they are their responsibility and any help offered by others should be appreciated, but not expected. Do whatever you want in your retirement.

nannychris1 Sat 06-Apr-19 16:22:26

So glad your daughter has been in touch and apologised Nanamarch1603, a positive outcome you can both move forward, you will be more wary and your daughter remorseful but you will have learnt from it.

Sandigold Sat 06-Apr-19 14:53:14

I'm really glad your daughter has come round and expressed remorse. I would say...just take note. She did react in very hurtful way. I am all for forgiveness but that doesn't mean not learning from others' behaviour...

sodapop Sat 06-Apr-19 14:41:27

Then perhaps the adult child should turn the situation around as well Palliser65 Yes of course we will always be their parents but they need to be independent of us. Help out if necessary but that doesn't mean putting one's own life on hold. When would that stop ?

Cabbie21 Sat 06-Apr-19 14:31:23

I think grandparents who do all the childcare are making a rod for their own back. One of my friends often flies across to US to do childcare in the school holidays, then comes back to more of the same in the UK. Another is flying up to Scotland every school holiday. They both come back exhausted
My husband and I moved to be nearer the grandchildren but have never done regular childcare, though we gladly help out occasionally.
Actually when they get to teenagers, I think we come into our own. The youngsters do not want childcare and are too old for most holiday clubs, but need someone to keep an eye on them. If both parents work, it is too long to leave 12- 14 years old to their own devices day after day.

nannypiano Sat 06-Apr-19 14:21:47

If AC have been spoiled all their lives, they can hardly be blamed for being selfish adults. So making ones bed and lying in it comes to mind. It will be happening more and more I guess since children must always have their own way and are made to feel so important and not taught to consider anyone else. Lets hope parents see the light soon and teach children that other people are as important as them. Sorry to be harsh., but children young and old are very overindulged these days. Then parents complain because they don't like the adults they have become. Rant over.

craftyone Sat 06-Apr-19 13:55:22

nanam it is your turn, to have some good quality of life before you get too old. Do it, go ahead with your own plans, dd will come around in her own time. Now stay back, you have told her and occupy yourself with taking the next step with your own happiness. She will come round once it sinks in, will have to do what many young families do and cut the cloth accordingly

Yes grandparents are often taken forgranted, I see old people shuffling around supermarkets, pushing a young child in a trolley while parent(s) at work. All too easy to get into that position, with it then being too difficult to wriggle out of it. The first no is the worst

palliser65 Sat 06-Apr-19 13:44:51

Perhaps you might be helped in concilliation by turning this situation round. Suppose your daughter and husband went away for a weekend and then the next time they saw you just said 'we might move away soon, just letting you know for any of your future planning'. How would that make you feel? How would you cope with viewing a relationship you thought was of value and of mutual enjoyment was dismissed in this way? Grandparents are taken for granted. You are forever a mother and your child just accepts you are their support and that you will always care for them no matter how old they are.

Craicon Sat 06-Apr-19 13:08:26

We moved abroad 5 years ago and live in an idyllic place with lots of fresh pollution free air and a lovely new set of friends. My husband had treatment for a blood cancer 7 years ago and has emphysema and if we’d stayed where we were, I don’t think he would still be here, frankly.
We don’t see our adult DC or grandson as often but we can FaceTime and our priority is good health and a happy retirement over stressful family dynamics.
It depends on what you want to prioritise in your life?

Houseseller Sat 06-Apr-19 12:05:14

Stick to your guns and live your own life. You have done your bit bringing up your own family it’s your time now.
Go for it