Friends after retirement and move?

Hello all! As I previously stated I guess I wasn’t clear about what I was asking. I do go out alone or with friends and am very active in the community. I also take continuing online classes in history and art literature. I love my husband dearly and was looking for ideas for activities to do together as nothing I suggested interested him. Plus I felt he needed a bit of socializing at his age. Someone here understood me and suggested cards with neighbors or....once a month like we used to do. That was super and our first game was last Sunday! He loved it! So all’s well and we are both happy ?

I have a husband who is quiet, anti-social, prefers being at home with me to going anywhere. So in my 30s to 50s I went out, he stayed home, babysat when the children were younger. He was happy because I was happy. Now I have turned into him, due to ill health putting paid to a social life for myself. I miss my closest female friends, one who moved hundreds of miles away and the other died many years ago. But other than that, I am happy as a pig in muck. We have loads of hobbies, some shared, most not. We potter happily, moving from one thing to another, doing what suits us, what pleases us. I think you either have to let him be in peace, accept this is how he wants to live his life and he has the right to be as he is, and get out yourself. There is nothing, presumably, stopping you?

Hello mousepotato, do understand what you have written. Am in similar position, and finding it hard to go to things alone. Enjoy your day.

Have people not seen Mousepotato's update from yesterday? She is in Idaho, USA so references to UK organisations are not going to be relevant. She also explains that she is already busy with voluntary work and only looking for ideas for occasional (monthly) social activities that allow both she and her husband to make friends together.

Have a look around for some craft groups. I joined a watercolour group, exercise class and also pop along to a slimming group. You may not need to lose weight but I met a couple of great people there. Do you have a dog? Maybe long walks with the dog or volunteer to walk a neighbour's dog. You need to meet people or you will feel like you are drowning. Take care. X

Is there a WI near you? I joined ours and got to know people better and am now president! Riding for the Disabled always welcome volunteers (age no object as long as you're reasonably able bodied!) As Luckyfour says the National Trust is a good place to volunteer too

What is a beat therapist please? Quite intriguing. Is is like afternoon horse play?

Does your new town have a local Facebook page? The Cast Cary real news page is typical of the ones they have around here ( Frome, Bruton etc. have their own) In the last few days there have been posts about an art exhibition, crafts workshops, cookery courses and several restaurants and pubs offering live music and special menus.There are exercise clubs and beat therapists advertising. I think that if you just decided to go to a selection of things you would probably make some new friends quite quickly.
I joined the Labour Part last year and they have lots of events you can help out at and meet new friends.

Thanks for your reply Mousepotato.

Another way of looking at it is that you and your husband are new blood in the community who others may be looking to to bring fresh ideas and opportunities. You may already be doing this in your work with the city task force.

I'd love to hear whether you do decide to host card parties or start a movie group or about any other idea that you and your husband come up with to make new friends.

Sometimes it only needs someone to kick start the idea and others will come forward to help out with admin and publicity or to share hosting.

Good luck.

I havnt read all the posts but is there any reason why you can’t still keep in touch with and meet occasionally your old friends.? Yes 5 hours us a distance but not impossible if you overnight somewhere. We are just back from visiting our closest friends who moved 4 hours away from here over 25 years ago. We take turns to do the trip and usually stay for a night or two. It can work though takes work to make it work. What happens as we age no one knows but fir the time being we remain close.

In the meantime all the advice given is helpful fir your new situation. Acquaintances can be made quickly but friends take longer. I hope it works out fir you.

exFen, charity shops are not all about tweaking a few scarves and untangling necklaces. It is damn hard physical work and you have to navigate the various dynamics....like " I always do the till on Tuesdays" " We don't do it like that here". " You have to bring your own milk" and so on.....

I was in the same situation. Moved somewhere new with no friends or acquaintances. Tried U3A but no room on any courses I was interested in. Finally found a group on a ‘Streetwise app’ where there are so many meet ups I could be busy every day. My husband is content to shut himself away with the internet. The people are all very pleasant. No close friends yet but at least I don’t feel lonely. It’s hard to move to a new, unknown area for the retirement years.

Good grief! Someone worked for a charity where her line-manager was a bully. If that happens, leave! And tell the charity. There are plenty more, all really needing volunteers. The spouse might be more difficult, but possibly a reading group for men? There aren't many, but they are worth seeking out

Fountain Pen both good ideas! I never thought about cards parties. We had these when we were younger and we both enjoyed it quite a bit, except we played poker way back then. We also have a large movie complex as well as a small family owned theater that we have gone to several times as a group with our real estate agent/owner. Thank you for understanding that this is just an occasional thing I am looking for, like once a month, not looking to change my husbands personality or to live in each other’s pockets. We get along great and we both go out and do our own thing as well as enjoy each other’s company. I thank you for the good ideas and so did hubby.

oh btw, my own bil to my late sister, aspergers and obviously rich living in a large house in a very nice area. He was made a target in church, obviously a woman who searched through the obituaries, she started to appear in his church and edged closer and closer to a needy man. If his own adult children had cared more then she would never have been able to make him dependent on her. He married her in a registry office and the 4 children never get to see their dad

greengran, that is a bit tricky, advertising oneself as looking for a friend. Scammers and fraudsters are rife, I personally know one gentleman in a couple who was made a target by someone who befriended him as a retired friend. He is now minus £8000. Could be even worse for a single looking for a friend. A male on a cruise met a woman, married on board and he is now minus everything, house, savings pension

All, stay sharp and aware and realise that someone who latches on, shows compassion and is fiancially aware, just may be a scammer. Personally I am happy to keep that bubble around me, to chat in a comfortable group and to forgo friendships that are forced

Your husband is now happy it seems with what he has maybe he never liked all the social life line you and moving was his way of having a life he wanted Anyway talk to him let have his life the way he wants it and you go and join a church or clubs But it is selfish for either of you to want the other to do want they want Each person has the right to live a busy or relaxed retired life

If hubby is happy pottering all day that's up to him.

Why not do something on your own, do you not have confidence?
My husband and I have been together 50 years but we don't live in each other pockets.
There are things we do together but we also have separate interests.
It makes for a better relationship.
Join the U3A organisation it has many interest groups.
You could do something every day if you wanted and never be bored.

Craftyone - I agree, friends you make in later life are a different thing from friends from your youth. I think once you get a job you enter the realm of people you know but have to keep a distance from and there it starts.

I have made a couple of friends from charity work, have a coffee or whatnot, but they never come to my home or vice versa which I believe is quite common. No comparisons made or preparations needed. Someone to have a natter with. Works for me.

Agree you have to find your own activites and get involved with things you love, are interested in ... and leave him at home if he won't join in.

I'm afraid, so many retiring couples move out to the country- be it in UK or in France, Italy, Portugal, etc- without real preparation. I know many couples who moved to SW FRance after falling in love with the village life out there- great between May to October- and then the bad weather comes, and everything just dies and marriages break-up and they hit the bootle. We did the same, but to a region we knew really well and were we have very strong friends and speak the language, and with good public transport. But even so, I have lots of activities he doesn't share- and so has he- and it works very well.

never mind about him . think about you .go work in the local charity shop. you meet plenty of people and its good fun .and go to church...get a dog ...go walking ..just go out ....

Ah, that makes things clearer Mousepotato.

A starting point would be those activities which you enjoyed together in Seattle. It sounds like your husband may not be comfortable in large gatherings.

Would you consider hosting a small card playing group in your home? Three small tables, twelve people, six pairs or couples including yourselves. Is there a local bridge club or similar that you could make contact with? Or simply put up a poster somewhere inviting people.

When I first learned to play bridge I found it hard to make the transition from learning to being able to bid and play fast enough to participate in duplicate bridge with the more experienced players. As a halfway house I hosted sessions at my house for inexperienced players to get up to speed. Coffee and cake helped things along and gave players an opportunity for a break to talk about other things.

I don't know what is available movie-wise in your local community. In mine we have two large multiplexes but also a couple of small independent subscription clubs which meet at local theatres to watch movies which don't always make the bigger screens, small budget or foreign language movies. We watch the movies together then go on somewhere for a coffee or drinks to discuss. The group comprises couples and singles of all ages.

I feel very sorry for you and I do identify with the problem. We took early retirement and moved from a big city to the country. The uprooting was a huge shock to the system and I was in a terrible state to start with.
Getting involved with the community is the only way. I gritted my teeth and did a bit of volunteering. It cracked the ice and I went on from there. It doesn’t have to be shop work. You can help in all sorts of ways: litter collecting {- very popular just now), at the hospital, at any charity - they need admin, helpers, etc - I was asked to help out with a scout group- just another pair of hands was all they wanted.
The best thing is, you are a volunteer and can duck out any time you like if you do not feel its for you.
The first step is the hardest. After that, its much better. People will not come to you, you have to go to them. Good luck.

Book Groups are good.

Thank you all for good advice. I’m afraid I misled though. I am busy enough. I volunteer at Hospice House as a respite caregiver, caring for the dying once a week and also at our thrift store. I’m also on our city task force working with the mayor, city planner and police etc to keep our community informed of needs and changes. As stated hubby is a quiet man but we had a few friends in our old town that we would get together with once a month or more to play cards, go to the movies or other activities with. He had friends at work, I had friends in my book club and cooking classes and my daughters. I thought things would continue over here but with new friends. However it didn’t. He is content with talking briefly with two neighbors men and on the phone with a friend from work past. In all honesty I think he just prefers being with me. Now I know that sounds sweet and wonderful to a lot of women and I AM very greatful. But I have known the man since I was 15 and I have always liked people way more than he. I would love to go to pubs or the new wine bars but most here are frequented by 40+ yr old and my husband was an alcoholic until he was mid 40’s. So I don’t enjoy that with him ? Yes, I’m a Yank, lived in busy busy Seattle WA for 40 yrs now live way up in N Idaho near Canada. It’s gorgeous but no culture like theaters or symphonys etc like Seattle. And I do miss the ocean. A lot!! But it’s a better life here at more than half the cost and crowds. If I could just figure out what or how to do the joint friends thing. Happy Sunday all!! Thanks for being here!