DIL thinks my husband has a alcohol problem

Dilly, I have just re-read your post and you say you don't think he has a problem! How can you not see? He has a HUGE problem and so have you if you can't see it.

You said your DIL is usually very diplomatic and quiet so I think it took a lot for her to broach the subject with you. She was looking for help from you.
Maybe she didn't reveal how bad the situation is with your son.
Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors in a marriage, things could be terrible for her. She is away from her family who she would normally turn to for help.
I would bring the subject up with her again without getting defensive and let her tell you everything. You will know straight away if it is excessive or not.

Drink like the irish comment!!! I have seen more alcoholics falling all over the place, women and men in England, than I have ever seen when I visit Ireland.

I agree with what Greta 8 has said..
I have been retired some years now, but worked with/for an alcoholic,,,not good...

wondering if "having a drink problem" does or can descend (!) into alcoholism.. if so,, I would be scared,,

I used to drink a lot, when working with my boss, easy to get carried along, I then decided that if I had alcohol in the house, I could easily have a drink problem, cos I would not leave it.... so cut it out.

I think it is very hard to face up to problems

hugs, good thoughts and prayers for you and your husband

oh I wouldn`t say anything yet, to dil, wait and see, and examine yourself?

Dilly, Yes Llamedos is right, you have said something racist here, You should say "Drinks like a fish,"
I am surprised no Irish Grans have commented. The Brits are huge drinkers and if somebody said "Drinks like the Brits" there would be uproar.

I am a recovering alcoholic of 21 years sober. For me I had to reach my own rock bottom. If the alcohol is costing your husband and son more than just money, example it is now causing grief in both families. I would say they definitely have a problem. Alcohol is a killer in more ways than one people die from accidents they can have in the home. You and your daughter in law have no control over your husbands drinking what so ever but you can get help yourselves by getting in touch with Alanon which is a group for families living with alcoholism.

“Drinks like the Irish ”comment a tad preducial don’t you think DillytheGardiner?

Just go back to your DIL and say you're sorry for reacting badly to what she said about your DH having a drink problem, tell her that it came as a bit of a shock, but now, having thought about it and done some research you believe that she's right, and ask her what she thinks the two of you can do to help your respective partners. This will not only clear the air between you but hopefully bring you closer.

Yes both men have a drink problem and I would suggest you speak to your DiL because by doing so the 2 of you stand a chance of helping him before it’s too late!. You will have to talk to your husband and get him to either cut back on his drinking because coming home drunk 3 or 4 times a week is going to impact on his health and then you will be the one left looking after him. The only reason your DH doesn’t drink at dinners like others do is because he would get drunk and he wouldn’t want them to see him drunk. Likewise when he goes out with you he doesn’t drink again because, he only drinks to get drunk like all alcoholics.
Your usually diplomatic DiL is clearly very worried about her DH and she’s got good reason to be. You both need to help your men before it gets a lot worse. You can support each other but you have got to listen to her.

As sazzl says an addictive gene has been identified.

Also when patterns of behaviour are "Normal" in one family and not so 'Normal" in another family a partner may notice the behaviour sooner than members of the birth family.

If your DIL's family had those different "norms" not only may she pick up on things (drinking in this instance) but she may notice the effects more and be affected by the behaviour, your son's, drinking than you are by your OH's.

I'm guessing she is look for some help and support rather than to criticise your OH.

If your son has grown up with drinking being part of your OH normality he may have taken his fathers drinking as permission to act the same.

That's OK if no-one is being affected by his drinking but clearly your DIL is telling you her and her work are being negatively impacted by your son "keeping her up late by coming home drunk".

May be your OH can have his get togethers without disturbing your home/work life or distressing you and those around him.

But it seems as if your son't drinking is disturbing your Dil's home/work life and she is being affected and distressed so "getting rather cross" isn't very helpful to anyone.

Whatever cultural norms and values there are when an other person's peace within their home and their ability to work is affected by those norms and values something is wrong and your Dil in her own imperfect way is trying to tell you (I guess without these type of words) life with your son when he is keeping her up late, limiting her ability to get her work done is causing her distress.

Please stop being cross, stop looking for blame and look at what is happening to another human being who is trying to find a way to keep life together. Together as in each of them - your son and your Dil - keeping themselves together enough that in the longer term they can stay together as a couple.

Situations like this break relationships. You clearly don't like the words your Dil used to reach out to you and it's OK for you not to like HOW she reached out. But please consider cutting her some slack for wanting to make things better.

TheNHS guidanceadvises that: to keep health risks fromdrinking alcoholto a low level you are safest not regularlydrinkingmore than 14 units per week – 14 units is equivalent to a bottle and a half of wine or five pints of export-type lager (5% abv) over the course of a week – this applies to both men and women.

I am sorry to say that I too think your husband has an alcohol problem, Can you sit down with him and discuss it with him? Maybe cut it down to 2 times a week for health reasons? It is also very expensive to drink and there may be things you would like to buy, or maybe holidays you could share, but can't because he is drinking your money away?

90% of people are not functional alcoholics??

The words 'alcohol problem' are emotive and suggest a rocky road to dependence but if the frequency mentioned by the OP was told to a GP they'd call it a problem and advise cutting right down.

There is definately an addictive gene that's been identified which is why some people can drink smoke gamble or take drugs occasionally and not get addicted. Your DIL is turning to you for support be there for her.

Are you cross because subconsciously you know it could be true? You haven't wanted to face it.

Addiction/dependency is far more common than you realise. 8.5 million people in the U.K alone have an addiction/heavy drinking/binge drinking problem.

Binge drinking can equally be a problem and even if it isn't addiction can lead to death related accidents and so on.

Your DiL is clearly worried your son and her husband has a problem. She was looking to you for support.

You have always lived with your husband drinking and it sounds as if he functions and it hasn't caused any impact on the family, such as loss of work, financial instability etc.

As I work within the recovery industry this is information that I know to be true. I also stopped drinking myself nearly 17 years ago because I knew it was becoming a problem. I was a binge drinker and not an every night drinker.

If your DiL is worried tell her to try Al-Anon. Just Google it. It is a fellowship for people who are concerned about someone's drinking.

The fact your DiL is mentioning it gives cause for concern and that it is clearly impacting their lives. Please don't dismiss her.

I understand it will have been a shock for you to hear, however I really do think you need to communicate properly with her about this

I really can't understand the need for anyone to drink alcohol and get drunk or 'slighty' drunk several times a week and annoy your family. What a waste of money; you could have a nice holiday with all money that is spent.

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Oh dear! I would say he has an alcohol problem too. Father and son

Just because someone does well at work and "functions" doesnt mean they dont have an alcohol problem.

Sounds like a very high level of alcohol consumption is "normalised" and rationalised in your sons family and social circle so it may taks a relative outsider like DIL to notice if there is a problem

Sorry - by not addressing this issue earlier with him I feel I was giving him permission to drink and colluding with him. The final straw was when he fell through the front door, drunk, with wet trousers and having gouged a lump out of his arm when he fell on the drive.

It took me several years to finally realise and admit that my husband had an alcohol proble. It really affected his behaviour and personality and I honestly wished I had addressed it years ago. Anyway, after 50 years of marriage I told him (when he was sober) that it was alcohol or me. This may sound harsh but I decided the time had come to look after myself. He went to the doctor, was referred to a support group and is now sober and helping to run the group. They say that an alcoholic has to reach rock bottom before they seek help (and I know from a family member how low that can be). In this case, I had reached rock bottom and he knows that further drinking will be the end of our marriage.

I’m afraid Dilly that alcoholics seek friendship groups that will make their drinking appear normal.

My daughter, a recovering alcoholic, has taught me a lot about alcoholism, not least that it is possible to be a ‘functioning alcoholic’.
Is there an Alanon group near you!? There you would learn about alcoholism and get support with living with someone with an alcohol problem.