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AIBU

Wit's end!

(25 Posts)
dragonfly46 Thu 06-Jun-19 09:30:21

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in November last year. At the moment I am taking tablets to shrink it hopefully for an op in the summer.

Meanwhile in January my DH developed sciatica. He was in a very bad way and could not get out of bed. After 2 months it subsided and he seemed okay.

He now has a pain in his hip and will not do anything. The doctor gave him co-codamol which just made him ill and didn't seem to help. I asked him how he was this morning and he said it always hurts when he has done a lot. All he had done was showered, get dressed and got downstairs. He has the option of ringing the physio but he says not yet.
He sleeps until lunch, sleeps again until dinner and then sleeps after dinner until bed time.

I am at my wit's end as I do not know what to do. If I get angry he just looks sorrowfully at me. With everything else I have on I feel I cannot cope with this and do not know what to do.

Generally he is a very positive person.

GrannyGravy13 Thu 06-Jun-19 09:39:40

Dragonfly, do you think he is depressed? Perhaps he is struggling to cope with your diagnosis and is frightened?

These men can be infantile when it comes to pain or emotions. Could you raise this with your GP next time you see them?

Please take care of yourself flowers

March Thu 06-Jun-19 09:40:52

'He sleeps until lunch, sleeps again until dinner and then sleeps after dinner until bed time.'

That's not Sciatica!
I had it terrible with both my pregnancies and was told to exercise. Just carry on as normal. The worst thing you can do with Sciatica is sit and do nothing.

I'd be having a strong with him.

thanks for you. Hope you make a speedy recovery.

March Thu 06-Jun-19 09:41:16

*strong word!

March Thu 06-Jun-19 09:42:07

The sleeping alot could indicate depression.

dragonfly46 Thu 06-Jun-19 09:42:39

I tried the strong words this morning and he just told me I wasn't helping. He is very stubborn.

craftyone Thu 06-Jun-19 09:43:38

he is coping by blocking the diagnosis, sleeping is the easiest way and co-codamol is giving him the easy option by making him sleepy and probably lethargic. He is not coping so he needs to be treated with babying ways ie giving him one small job at a time. One hop at a time, making a meal for both of you would be a good start

dragonfly46 Thu 06-Jun-19 09:44:22

I think what worries me is that he is walking very badly suddenly and needs a stick. My father started this way and at the end could not walk at all.

kittylester Thu 06-Jun-19 09:52:44

You could ring your surgery and tell his gp how worried you are. Then discuss a strategy for the gp seeing him.

Sounds like depression but could be other things too so needs addressing.

It must be very irritating and trying for you when you are 'properly poorly' and you are coping so well.

GrandmaMoira Thu 06-Jun-19 09:53:12

When I was on a high dose of co-codamol for sciatica it made me sleep all the time so it could be just the medication. In my case I asked for a lower dose.
I was quite unable to walk when my sciatica was at its worst. It slowly improved with the help of physio. It sounds as if your DH doesn't want to help himself.
Equally, men often don't cope with their wife being ill so it is probably a bit of both. I don't have any easy answers but you do have my sympathy.

Gonegirl Thu 06-Jun-19 09:55:55

You don't say how old he is. Crucial information I think.

Has he no hobbies? No obsessions?

The latter keep old fellers going IMO.

loopyloo Thu 06-Jun-19 10:01:00

GG13, agree with you. Reassure him that you are fine ( economize with the truth). But think he needs to see the doc. To investigate this pain. Also the low mood.
All best wishes.

dragonfly46 Thu 06-Jun-19 10:08:52

He is 75. He had Legionnaires disease 4 years ago and since then he has had one thing after another.
He used to play golf three times a week until 2 years ago when he had a bad shoulder. The shoulder got better but then it was his arm. Now it is his hip.
He used to love photography but does little now.
He still reads all the newspapers online avidly and can tell me what is happening in the world.
If we arrange to meet friends he hobbles along but sleeps when we get back.
He insisted on coming to the hospital with me last week and where I was a bit negative about it he found the positives so I do not think it is depression.
He just has a very low pain threshold and due to other medication cannot take anti-inflammatories.

dragonfly46 Thu 06-Jun-19 10:11:42

crafty he has always got his own breakfast and lunch and still loads the dishwasher as I always do it wrongly!

I just feel I need support at the moment and resent him suffering I suppose. So I am being unreasonable.

cornergran Thu 06-Jun-19 11:48:50

Of course you need support dragonfly and it must feel as if there isn’t any for you. Sadly it sounds as if you both need some care just now. How is your husband about your diagnosis? Will he talk about it or could the sleepiness be a head in the sand reaction, a way of not thinking about your illness and treatment? Co codamol can certainly cause sleepiness, it’s something my system doesn’t tolerate, but it does sound as if it’s more complicated than that. Do you both see the same GP? Could you have an open and honest conversation with your GP about your current situation and your worries for the future? Talking to someone with medical knowledge might help and should it be the same GP, or indeed same practice, it gives food for thought when your husband next attends. I’m sorry, no easy answer, if there was you would have sorted it. I can only hope life gets a little easier and there is a way you can feel more cared for,

kittylester Thu 06-Jun-19 11:51:52

Good post, as always, corner.

Grammaretto Thu 06-Jun-19 12:17:44

Dragonfly I'm so sorry. Do you have a Maggie's centre near you. I was at ours last week while DH had his cancer treatment and ended up speaking to a lady who sounded like you. She was the one with the cancer but her DH was the one making all the fuss . He never accompanied her to hospital throughout her treatment - and she'd had a mastectomy. Anyway she was being helped by counselling at Maggie's and a sympathetic ear from me. She'd had the task of telling her AC, one was a teenager. DH could not cope.

dragonfly46 Thu 06-Jun-19 12:34:44

Thank you everyone I have taken some comfort from your remarks.
Grammaretto my DH does insist on coming with me to hospital appointments and I am hoping that my blow up this morning will give him something to think about. I should be grateful for small things.
We are having lunch with friends in Stamford next Wednesday and he says he is coming and also coming to London the weekend after. There he is seeing his children and grand children which always cheer him up.
I suppose it is just a case of getting on with it - I am not sure what a trip to the doctor will achieve at this point but will bear it in mind.

tanith Thu 06-Jun-19 12:42:03

Physio really helped me when I’ve suffered bouts of sciatica I would encourage him to try the physio, surely he can’t want to sleep all the time? As someone else says Sciatica doesn’t make you sleep keeping moving is vital.

Doodle Thu 06-Jun-19 12:55:54

dragonfly I know you are ill yourself so worrying about DH will not help. My DH has had many illnesses over the years including ME, heart problems, stroke, cancer and blood disorder (and probably a few more I’ve forgotten 🤔, oh yes hypertension as well 😊). He is more active than your DH but he does find washing, shaving, showering and dressing in the morning makes him tired and he needs to rest after. In fact we often do nothing between breakfast and lunch other than wash, dress and rest. He does not sleep as much as your DH but does get tired.
Not sure if your DH is still on medication but that could certainly have an impact on his ability to stay awake. My DH has quite a few meds with sedative side effects. Also perhaps he is worried about you and/or his own health. People who worry are often tired (when you are asleep you don’t worry so giving in to sleep can be a release). It is similar to depression but slightly different I think.
I too think it would be a good idea to get him checked by a G.P. if you can. All I will say is that people have different energy levels. I know some people who are 15 years older than me and DH who are up with the lark, out walking, gardening, decorating all sorts. DH and I tire very easily. We do go out for walks but often come home exhausted.
Not sure if that’s any help or not but I do wish you both well.

dragonfly46 Thu 06-Jun-19 13:00:19

Thank you Doodle it is a help.

My DH's solution to pain is to sleep. He is very positive to me all the time so I think he is bottling his concerns up. I will try and be more positive and patient. He knows now how I am feeling so maybe he will try more.
As I said before his energy levels have dropped since the Legionnaires.
He is well checked over by the doctors as he has diabetes and we have had many visits recently.

Gonegirl Thu 06-Jun-19 14:24:57

I do feel for you both dragonfly. He's had a lot to contend with, and now he must be worrying about you.

I wonder if you could get him to see the doc about his low mood. (Not easy I know, with men) On the other hand, he might just need a lot of sleep along now. Does he still sleep at night? Tbh, at 75 I think men can get a little wobbly on their legs, and that's without the pain he has.

This getting older thing is a pain in the ar-e, without other things kicking in.

I wish you, and him, all the very best. flowers

Gonegirl Thu 06-Jun-19 14:26:40

Just a thought. If he can't take anti-inflammatories, would a full regular dose of paracetamol help to take the edge of the pain? Although that won't help with the sleepiness of course.

Buffybee Thu 06-Jun-19 14:43:06

I'm sorry that you have to contend with your Dh being ill as well as yourself.
Do you think a visit to the Doctors could be advisable to try to find a pain killer that would work for your Dh hip pain, there are more choices than co-codamol.
It could be osteo-arthritis in his hip, being referred to pysio is what is now being prescribed, before being referred for surgery.
You seem to be coping with your own illness, so if you could sort your Dh out, that may help with everything. flowers

dragonfly46 Thu 06-Jun-19 16:54:12

You are all so kind. We have tried several pain killers and we are now on the paracetamol. I convinced him to take the maximum dose which should help. He has had X-rays and the doctor has examined him and I don't think it is arthritis. I suspect bursitis as I have had it and know how it feels. Of course I just got on with things - wincing a little.
He says he isn't depressed and I believe him as I know if he was he would say he was a little. Maybe we just have to wait for this to pass. Unfortunately we don't have anything much planned this week so will see what next week brings.
Maybe it is a help worrying about him as it means I forget about myself.
Thank you again ladies - it is has helped just talking about it.