AIBU for not wanting nana to be called mama?

Don’t be ridiculous of course it matters. She is the child’s Mum and no-one else should be called Mama or any variation (unless they are happy with it).

Your replies are very condescending and trite.

From the post you can clearly see that the mother in law is disrespectful by pretending to understand then getting everyone to chat Mama.

Be fair.

Hello! You are absolutely in the right and don’t let anyone make you feel differently.

You are the child’s mother - of course you don’t want anyone else to be called Mama; whatever the reason.

I suspect you are not being supported by those closest to you that has made you feel like you are wrong or “crazy” to be bothered by this.

You grew this child from nothing, gave birth to it, you are entitled to be the only one it called Mama, Mum, Mummy or any variation.

Obviously there will be mothers whom it doesn’t bother but I suspect that is about the relationship to the person who is being called Mama.

Your mother in law sound over bearing and like she is doing this to hurt you; I reference where you say she got everyone chanting Mama.

Can anyone on this forum relying seriously tell me that is not wilful disregard, rudeness and a clear power play?

You’ve done nothing wrong xxx

I have to admit - I think MIL behaviour is cause for alarm. The name is just a symptom of a more worrying problem.

I hope I am not being rude - but is it a cultural thing? Does you MIL come from a culture where the matriarch is all powerful and expects to get her own way? I am glad your DH is on board with your concerns. Her behaviour is unacceptable. Also - my MIL used to get right up in my kids faces and demand their attention, no matter waht they were doing. Thye hated it. At 87 she still does the same with her GGC. Thinks they are rude if they get upset. Some people just don't get it.

Many years ago I cared for a toddler niece a fair bit of the time - she decided to call me Ma, Mum was mummy, we were all happy. When first grandchild came along and I was asked what I wanted to be called - there were so many claims on DIL's side of family I just said, the child will decide when she is old enough - at that time my mother was still alive and Oma, I did not want to be Oma and little one started calling me Ma as she couldn't say other versions - the name has stuck through all 3 grandchildren in my sons family and we are all happy with it. Daughters little one who almost literally was MY baby for her first 9 months started off by calling me MaMa (was also meant to be Ma as her other grandma is Oma and I'm not competing) and her mother Mummy - I could hear the difference but daughter didn't and has gradually changed it to Nanny - as I am now on the other side of the world I really don't care what she calls me as long as she does know who I am, someone who cares for her very much and would do practically anything to make her life easier - and Mummy has to put up with a daughter who is always looking for Nanny.

I don't think it's very nice to be dismissive of Hawa's concerns. Plenty of people would mind, and for valid reasons.

To Hawa93,
My son calls my MIL and mother "mama" because he cannot say "grandma". But to him he thinks he's saying "grandma" as it sounds ever so slightly different than "mama". It doesn't bother me in the least. But it would certainly bother me if MIL and mother started referring to themselves as mama. My MIL, who spends the most time with him, seems to go out of her way to repeat "grandma" back to him in the hopes it will help his pronunciation. I think any reasonable person would understand their child's limitations but also be sensitive to the child's actual mother and try to reinforce the differentiation. That seems like the most straightforward thing to do.

And in my country (United States) it is not at all normal for a child to call their grandmother "mama" unless that grandmother is the one actually raising them (or like above, they simply can't say "grandma").

In the end, you're not being unreasonable at all. She's not their mama, so it makes no sense for them to call her mama. Her reinforcing it is weird to me. What's so wrong with being called "mama"?

I have read only part of this thread so forgive me if I am going off at a tangent. It seems to me that it doesn't matter if your mother-in law is called mama or grandma or nonna or Harry – that isn't the issue. So far as I understand, she is doing everything she can to usurp your role as mother – and that is profoundly wrong.

My first mother-in-law never really forgave me for marrying her son – she hung up the telephone in two minutes when future absent husband called to tell her that we had just become engaged. Much later, after a distressing display of abuse about how I was a bad wife and a bad mother when we were staying with my then husband's family one weekend, I decided never to visit them again.

However, I never prevented absentdaughter and her grandparents from getting together. When she stayed with them at half term or during the summer holidays, she would return full of stuff about how her grandmother loved her more than I did, how I was incorrect about the usage of certain words and – worst of all – how "we" should keep secrets from mummy. Three or four days of totally confused child and bad behaviour happened every time.

I profoundly believe that mum is the most important person in a baby's life and in a young child's life, given that she is usually the primary carer, and dad is a very close second.

Grandparents can be hugely special and valuable – I like to think I matter big time to my six grandchildren and it does seem that way. However, I am a couple of steps back from their family life, which is good and healthy for all of them – and me.

I suspect the the real issue here is not the name but concerns about grandma competing with or usurping the mother's role with the children. That does need to be addressed but if it really is just about the name I agree with other posters that you are making a mountain out of a molehill. It is the relationship that is important not the name. There are far more important things to worry about.

I do know a very large family where the dearly loved and respected grandparents were always called Mama and Papa by everyone.

I am known by one name by some of my grandchildren but another name by others as their father has a different background and has always referred to me by the name from his culture and so do his children. And that is just fine with me.

Tedber

From what the OP has described, it sounds as if the "Mama" thing is a part of MIL's PA campaign to make herself more important in the child's life than OP is. That's not okay.

Oh Mi...can't follow all this...."A rose by any other name, smells the same" springs to mind!!!!

Is this REALLY about names for grandparents or am I missing something?

Probably because she has a closed, fixed, mindset with few ideas about who she is beyond being a 'mother'. Possibly because she feels / fears that without that identity she is no one. And probably because she is very lacking in self-awareness, unable to see herself with any objectivity.

I have no idea how to fix things - she sounds as though she needs to get out more, meet a wider range of people and so on, but I suspect she would be very resistant to such suggestions. But your DD is yours and your husband's child, not hers; try to keep a calmly united front.

How old is she, by the way? Can you see anything in her background that might explain things?

Callistemom

Yep! I have read every single thread on the internet lmao that’s why I came here to ask opinions from actual grandmothers and not other daughter in laws who might add fire to my fuel.

I wanted to know why a grandmother would want to be called mama also!

I'm afraid I do not see any difference between how this grandmother is behaving and the coercive control of some husbands or partners.

Love all my grandchildren, love my DC, my DDIL, my SIL and love DIL's mum too

And I'm willing to bet that you show that love by (amongst other things) respecting your DCs wishes when it comes to their children, by not crying when you don't get your own way, by not insisting that your DGC call you something that your DC don't want them to and so on

That too, Gonegirl!

Oh right! That's why you've been on about your onesie! I thought you were just tired.

There have been other threads that have sounded so similar - that's all I am going to say

I'll leave you all to it.

"imagine your mother in law turned to you 1 week post partum and said “ohhhh, I can’t wait for your baby to stop breastfeeding probably around one, and be like “I can’t wait to go to mamas house (referring to herself) because I love her more than you”. "

I would see that as a red flag. Or I might laugh about it (to myself and DH). But I would definitely see it as weird and out-of-line.

"... his sister used to be so upset when she was called by her first name for years while her son called grandma “mama” but she eventually got used to it."

So MIL won w/ SIL and she thinks she's going to win again w/ you and DH

"Even my dd gets confused and doesn’t really like her, ... dd just hasn’t warmed to her... and I generally think it’s because mil is always in her face begging for cuddles and taking her away from me lol"

So MIL seems to be trying to usurp your role as the mother, you're upset by her, and DD doesn't really like her... So why are you seeing MIL twice a week?

And, Hithere, I don't think you're crazy at all. IMO, you gave Hawa very good advice.

The grandmother should choose what she wishes to be called WITH THE AGREEMENT OF THE MOTHER.
Your mother in law is clearly overstepping boundaries OP and you should dig your heels in.

I bet you are quite the grandma yourself considering how you take things
I am indeed!
Love all my grandchildren, love my DC, my DDIL, my SIL and love DIL's mum too.

Thanks! Twoslicesofcake

Luckily my husband is on board with the no alone time. Even he said it’s completely ridiculous, and his sister used to be so upset when she was called by her first name for years while her son called grandma “mama” but she eventually got used to it.

Honestly this whole kid couldn’t say grandma so mama stuck is actually a excuse. My niece couldn’t say grandma so she said mamarr but my mum still referred to herself as grandma and wooooooo my niece said grandma eventually.
I think many of these mils whose children call them mama secretly wanted it and I bet Their dil weren’t too impressed

Callistemom

No I said my daughter will come to me and be like “mama, yas, go” meaning me (mama) my daughter is called yas, and she’s telling me to go out the house in her baby speech language. She does not call me mama yas. She calls me mama. As I am her MAMA.

And yes I do quite enjoy it considering when she was a newborn my mil loved to tell me how much she can’t wait for my daughter to turn 1 because then she won’t be breastfeeding as much and will love her more than me.

imagine your mother in law turned to you 1 week post partum and said “ohhhh, I can’t wait for your baby to stop breastfeeding probably around one, and be like “I can’t wait to go to mamas house (referring to herself) because I love her more than you”.

I bet you are quite the grandma yourself considering how you take things

How often do you see this horrible woman?
The name is just a symptom of the bigger issue.
See her much less. Give yourself some space. She is awful. She does not like you at all. It’s ok, focus on your baby and husband.
She (and some of these posters) seem to think you have to have this woman in your life. You don’t. She should only add joy, if she adds stress she’s out.
Teach your baby to call her “Mrs Last Name”

It's all quite surreal Maggiemaybe

mama yas - so she is 'mama yas' now, not just mama

I think you are enjoying the fact that you think your DD has not warmed to her or that side of the family

This does not bode well.

I am going to put on my onesie now.

You say you’d be happy for your mother in law to be called Maman, but are distraught that she is known as Mama?

Is there really a massive difference?

Anyone got their onesie on yet?