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(17 Posts)
Clioh Wed 19-Jun-19 11:57:45

Aibu..please be gentle with me as it’s the first time I’ve had a rant! .... my partner and I do not live together, we are both in our 60s. He has never been married and not got any children. We’ve been ‘together ‘ for 6 years. He has a few female friends who have subsequently become mine too. He has announced today that he is taking one such friend for lunch today, as it was her birthday last week. She took him for tea when it was his birthday. Now I know there is nothing going on, but I am miffed that he has not invited me. I didn’t expect to be invited when she took him as it was very much off the cuff and I would not expect her to pay for both of us. Today was apparently promised a week ago! He hasn’t asked me as he wants to take his 2 seater sports car and probably pose? Says he’ll take me tomorrow, which he knows is not convenient for me. As she is a friend of mine too, I feel it would have been nice to be invited. What if it were the other way round?
I would add that he is fed at mine every Wednesday and every weekend, if we go out to eat we take turns to pay. He is usually very careful with his money, unless it’s something for him. He is not short of money. I know this sounds childish but I feel hurt.

FlexibleFriend Wed 19-Jun-19 12:18:42

Well don't feel hurt, he's taking a friend out for her birthday it's not your birthday it's hers. You're not exactly joined at the hip so what's so different about this occasion? If tomorrow isn't convenient for you to go pick a day that is.

Craicon Wed 19-Jun-19 12:23:16

It sounds like he probably enjoys flirting and having lots of attention from other women and so presumably can’t do that with you sat next to him?

He’s no doubt enjoying your relationship too but if he’s never been married or in a long term partnership, it’s probably because he never wanted to be and doesn’t view the relationship in the same way that you do, as an exclusive partnership.

I understand you feel hurt so you could try talking to him about how you feel but realistically I suspect he’s got no intention of changing because he’s perfectly happy with the status quo and has been for the last 40 odd years.

I think you need to decide if you’re willing to accept him on his terms or not. In your position, I wouldn’t be happy either and I’d just stay (distant) friends and look for a more meaningful relationship elsewhere.

Clioh Wed 19-Jun-19 12:26:58

Thank you for trying to put things into perspective, and in a way I agree, however it was my birthday a few weeks ago, he did not offer to take me out? In the past we have been out on my birthday and I have paid because ‘it was my turn!’ Maybe I need to be tougher?

Clioh Wed 19-Jun-19 12:29:58

Thank you Craicon I think you’ve hit the nail on the head! I think we need to have that conversation.

FlexibleFriend Wed 19-Jun-19 13:15:15

In that case he's comfortable with you and taking you for granted, clearly he has to make more effort with his other friends.
I do wish people would give all the information rather than wait until they get an answer before dripping in some more information.

Clioh Wed 19-Jun-19 13:25:54

Thank you FlexibleFriend your observations are much appreciated and in retrospect I should have added more information in the beginning.

Bridgeit Wed 19-Jun-19 13:42:50

I am just trying to word this as gently as possible, you sound such a lovely lady, but there is a problem with being lovely & that is that others gradually forget to consider your feelings & just assume you will always be there & then they start to take advantage.( even if unintentionally)
You certainly are not being childish, but it is time to higher your standards, do not feed him & be available when it suits him. You need to broaden your life beyond this one person, please do it best wishes.

glammanana Wed 19-Jun-19 14:10:42

Clioh Oh have that talk as soon as you can sounds of a "Jack the Lad" springs to mind here.
Make arrangements to be unavailable for some week-ends and during the week even if you just stay at home or visit a friend give him food for thought,but I would expect he would rock up to some other friend for his meals and home comforts.
Find yourself a true friend I ceratinly would if I where

EllanVannin Wed 19-Jun-19 14:15:11

He's a " bachelor boy " so I don't see him being settled in anyone's ways but his own and will continue to do what suits him. You either have to accept the way he is or move on.

To be perfectly honest I don't think that having a conversation is going to make any difference as by the sound of things there are plenty of fish in the sea for him without having to make a commitment so he might just take off.

gt66 Wed 19-Jun-19 14:28:12

I think he's taking advantage of your generosity and easy going nature. First see if he reneges on his promise to take you out (after all you feed him 3 days a week, it's the least he could do). If it never happens, do as others have suggested and tell him not to come round on a Wednesday, or the weekend, or both, as you are out somewhere.

BlueBelle Wed 19-Jun-19 15:01:21

I wouldn’t be happy either yes the other posters are right you are the constant no need to wine and dine you he already has you where he wants you
I d do a turn round and not be around when he want, if the ladies your friend as well as his that’s mean of him
I d rethink this relationship

Clioh Wed 19-Jun-19 15:12:49

Thank you all for your suggestions and support, it has helped to know I am not being petty or unreasonable in the way I feel. I now know see things a little clearer and know what I need to do.

Tedber Thu 20-Jun-19 20:06:07

Clioh Have you ever had the 'talk' with your man? You say you have been together 6 years but don't live together? Is there a reason for this? Do you both regard your relationship as monogamous?

You say he has always had multiple women friends? As he has never been married this is probably a reason he has so many women friends

Not saying he is sleeping with them all but just thinking it might never enter his head to think you would object?

I personally think you need to sit him down, hand on heart, good old fashioned spell it out...exactly what YOU expect of this relationship.

If he can't give what you want then...up to you...

Clioh Fri 21-Jun-19 13:37:30

Thank you Tedber, I don’t believe that the friendships with the ladies are anymore than that. We both look at our relationship as monogamous, but think he quite rightly values old friends (both men and women) and sees them as the family he hasn’t got. Yes we’ve had the talk and I’ve told him exactly how I feel and also what I expect in the future. We are now trying to work on a solution that will suit us both, if not ......I’ll have to think again?

Avor2 Fri 21-Jun-19 17:44:31

Good Luck Clioh, hope all goes well xx

SalsaQueen Fri 21-Jun-19 18:08:22

Imagine if this was reversed....If you had a friend from years ago, then introduced your man was on the scene, and felt put out that you and your friend were going out for the friend's birthday and hadn't asked him, would he complain about it? Would you think he was being petulant? Would your friend have been looking forward to time with you, without him?