Should DH drive eight to nine hours in one day

It sounds as if he has made up his mind and will not change it no matter what you say. All you can suggest really is that he stops for 30 mins mid journey. I drive down to Devon several times each year, that is a three 1/4 hour trip if no traffic, in summer considerably longer. In the past I used to get up early and drive down and back in one day now I stay overnight at my sisters but sounds like your dh does not want to do this. I would just leave him to it.

Sounds like he is just fine. He has good genes if his parents are in their 90's. Sometimes we get too worried and project what might or might not happen. It is just a few times a year. try not to fret

Yes, it's not the distance, it's the time that's the issue. I've had to make a lot of journeys from the Aberdeen area to Kent this year due to a family issue. That's about 520 miles. We almost always do it in one day but we share the driving and through experience over many years we've learnt which are the best days and best times of day to travel to avoid the worst of the traffic.

Driving when you're tired can be so dangerous and yes, it's selfish. I've had to sit with a friend whose mother was killed by a driver who fell asleep at the wheel. The driver was my friend's father. He dropped off to sleep while driving and veered off the road into a lay-by, where he rear-ended another vehicle, killing his own wife.

Although I drive, DH seldom gives up the wheel to me. We're 67, too, and recently he drove from south of the border to nearly as far north in Scotland as you can get in one day, but with several stops. He drove back from the very north in one go, too, but again with several stops. This week we're going south - 4 and half hours - and he'll do all the driving. Often, though, we'll stop off in a budget hotel or B&B to break the trip up. I wouldn't let him do it in one go by himself if I could help it.

This does seem like a long way to go for just a day, even by someone who is younger. Why not both of you make it an overnighter. He doesn't have to 'string it out' but it could be quite a little romantic getaway for you both. There are lots of overnight hotel, b n b bargain sto be had so it doesn't have to be expensive.

I sympathise with you Maddyone but as you have explained further down the thread your husband won't consider flying or going by train.....you can take a horse to water ....etc! I think now maybe time for a different approach. As you have said above you could also visit other family members and old friends if you were both going and staying a couple of night in a hotel, so this should be about both of you. Buy a couple of senior railcards and tell your husband you would love to visit his parents with him again, but being a passenger on a long journey each way is too much, and just for a change you have decided on the train to visit them and also seeing other members of family. You can easily get taxis to parents and other people you would like to see and have a hotel for a couple of nights. After all this is only 3 times a year not on a regular basis. You are not asking him to no longer drive anywhere at all but just take you into account as well. This could be a nice mini break, more family and friends time too.

I expect that his parents would appreciate more than this sort of flying visit. Is that an angle you could take? A couple of nights in a B&B or Travelodge would allow for a more relaxed catch up for them all. Also if he had any concerns about them it would allow time for him to speak to GP or carers etc. A time may come when he just plain has to spend longer with them.

It’s not driving 500 miles in one day that’s the problem it’s driving 250 one way then staying awake to interact with 92 year old parents and then driving the other 250 miles back - suggestions that hubby should be left to do what he wants to massage his ego are reckless - he may be a brilliant driver with a wonderful record of road safety but there are millions of other people on the road and his reactions will not be as swift at the end of his long day as at the beginning - that believe it or not is the reason for tacographs! I share a similar journey with my hubby but we stopped doing this in one day two years ago - both now 70 - because even sharing the driving we experienced aches and pains that affect your posture and driving ability - if you don’t like sitting in the car for 8 hours and he doesn’t want to drag it out why not book a bed and breakfast close to his parents without telling them - that way you could spend longer with them and leave ostensibly to drive home but really flop into bed and get a sensible night’s sleep before a leisurely drive home the following day?

I was really rather cross with her, for our sleepless night and all the people that would have helped to find her

I think this sums it up for me. People who tend to do the airy 'don't fuss, I know what I'm doing' thing forget that their actions have consequences for others - it's an incredibly selfish way of thinking, especially when there are perfectly doable alternatives which would be safer and less stressful for their families.

Maddy, perhaps you could say that you would really like to see your father in law for his birthday. Perhaps that might be better than saying you want to se a friend, who may not be important to him. Say you want to stay at his parents if possible, if they have room, or elsewhere if not. If you have not had a holiday recently make the trip interesting with a visit to a stately home or somewhere else he might enjoy. Stay at least 2 or 3 nights and have a real break. Good luck.

I don't understand why he refuses to stay overnight or for a couple of night in a hotel. Or why it would be wrong to make it 'too much of a thing' As you say you could also go and perhaps make a nice trip of it. Probably his parents would enjoy it more too.
What is his relationship with his parents like? It sounds as though he doesn't want to spend too much time with them.
I would worry too about that amount of travelling in one day.

My best friend aged 72 regularly drives from the South East to her house down here. She leaves at 4am and arrives at 8pm. She does regular stops, gives the dog a run, eats and drinks coffee or Red Bull. I really don't think it's wise, and she is doing the alpha male bit!!

She always calls me at least once en route and then when she arrives here. I did the journey with her last summer and it's not a difficult journey, mainly motorway but it's long. Last winter I heard nothing from her all day, no answer from the house and by 10.30pm I was getting very worried. I logged on to BBC news and found that northern France was hit by a massive blizzard. Paris was shut, as were schools, motorways etc and advice not to leave home. we had a sleepless night, thinking about tracing her route and going to find her, calling friends in Paris, getting on to the Gendarmerie, worried about the dog.

At 8.30 next morning she called all merry and bright. It appeared that the snow has followed behind her down through France, she couldn't get mobile signal and her Livebox wasn't working when she called at 8pm! It kicked in during the night! I was really rather cross with her, for our sleepless night and all the people that would have helped to find her. And what a stupid thing to do in February.

We are trying to persuade her to stop for a night, we have never done that drive in one day, even with two drivers. Her response is that doesn't want to spend the money on a hotel which she could spend on good wine. ridiculous given she is comfortably off. The real reason being she doesn't like to eat dinner alone in a hotel!!! Grrrrrrr. What can I do to persuade her not to do this drive in one go?

gmarie has posted interesting info. I think the original poster's husband should read it.

I find it difficult to know whether you are being reasonable or not, as I have no idea how fit your husband is.

Based on your information, he is an experienced driver and used to making this particular journey, so it sounds safe enough to me.

If during his working life he frequently drove a similar distance in a similar time, I just cannot see the problem.

My husband is nearly always up at five a.m. and would quite naturally set off at that time of day.

If however you feel your husband is no longer as good a driver as he used to be, then worrying is reasonable, but won't get you anywhere.

No one likes being told they should no longer be driving, believe me I have been through that hoop twice with both my parents.

If the time has come to tell your husband to stop driving, try to get others to make the initial suggestion - it will cause offence, but he is more likely to listen to anyone in the world rather than you, his wife, on this particular subject.

Yes Bradfordlass, I absolutely agree with you.

Oh I forgot, he absolutely will not countenance the idea of travelling by train or plane. I frequently used the plane, Southampton to Manchester, when I went alone to visit my parents, which worked well for me, because although I did also sometimes drive alone, the plane is much quicker (well on actual travelling time, but of course there is the check in time etc which makes the door to door journey not much different.) Anyway, DH will not use public transport, although I’d be much happier about that.

Well thank you ladies and gentlemen for all your responses, I didn’t expect such a big response and really do appreciate you all taking the time to reply. There are a variety of different opinions expressed, some for, some against, but I will try to answer some of the queries.

I don’t go with my husband to share the driving because he likes to go in his car, which is a VW Passat, and which I love to be a passenger in, but don’t like to drive as I find it cumbersome and heavy. I enjoy driving my little Hyundai i20, and I have driven it up country alone to visit my mother (who now lives near to us in a sheltered apartment) or my sister. We could use that, but even then, my husband does not make a good passenger, even on short journeys, and so I find it more comfortable and less stressful to simply be a passenger and let him drive. Plus I don’t want to spend nine hours in a car in one day, nor do I want to spend 18 hours driving or being driven, and visiting, because as many have pointed out, it is a very long day, and I don’t see any need to stress ourselves in such a way now we are retired.

I have repeatedly asked my husband to stay over for just one night at his mother’s house, but he refuses. I can’t get him to give me a reason, just a refusal.

I have repeatedly suggested that we stay over two nights at a nearby Premier Inn, and that way we could see more family members, and I could visit my very dear friend from my school days, but the response is always that he doesn’t want to drag it out, especially when we have this, that, or the other to get back for (we do a fair bit of childcare, especially in school holidays.)

I feel reassured that I’m not being unreasonable in worrying about him doing this long drive, because many of you have agreed, but I also feel reassured by those of you who have said he’s not yet too old, and that you or your partners still drive these distances, or even longer distances. I know I’ll never be able to stop him, because once he’s decided something, he’ll do it (or in other words he’s quite stubborn.)

There is another visit being planned as his father’s birthday is coming up. I have suggested, and will continue to suggest, that we both go together and stay over for two nights, and I’ll say I would like to see my dear friend. He may be persuaded but I’ll have to see.

Can’t speak for your husband, but I find driving two hours to our friends on the coast and then two hours back in one day, is too much for me now. I certainly wouldn’t want a drive of six hours somewhere and six hours back in one day.

After a very, VERY, unpleasant puncture on the motorway at night recently, in the cold and dark, I’m also trying to avoid any journey on my own in the car late at night as well.

Does your husband dislike the idea of spending money on a train, flight or hotel? If he books in advance he could get one night in a Travelodge for £29.00 and take his own food.

Other objective views here have suggested that two long drives is 18 hours in genuinely too much for anyone. But I doubt you’ll change his mind unless you can prove it’s illegal to drive as he has done, and I’m not sure it is for a private individual. Or is it? ? ?

I lose patience with people who say, 'I'm a good/safe/competent/experienced driver' because they think, I won't cause an accident but the fact is, competent, experienced drivers with perfect records, cause accidents every day from refusing to admit they are tired, or even not knowing they are.

It's not about YOU, silly driver, it's about the people you may hurt or kill, even a child, because your reactions were just 2 seconds too late.

As for this: 'he doesn’t want to drag it out and make a big thing of it.' It makes me want to slap his ears.

Since when has getting a decent amount of rest so you are safe on the road been classed as 'a big thing'?

He needs to start thinking about someone other than himself and he'd be wise to begin with you and your natural concerns.

Gosh, I'm cross !!

Yes I wouldn't be too happy if my husband undertook that sort of journey, he too has driven all over the place when we were in America and particularly France, once we made it back from Lyon to home here in the south east without any overnighters We can't share the driving because he suffers from car sickness when he isn't the one doing the driving, I've only driven him when he has been too ill to drive. He wouldn't undertake that sort of journey anymore just finds long drives too tiring these days. If we go as far as say Edinburgh we will do an overnight stop in maybe Derbyshire. I can remember when our kids were young and we went down to France every year, you forget how big it is until you're over there driving into an endless day and still being miles from the destination, and finally getting there dog tired.

I don't think you're being unreasonable I'd try and encourage him to stay with his parents overnight, if that's possible, and set off home the next day, hopefully refreshed.

Why won’t he let you go with him and stay over for a couple of days?

then, not them!

I am surprised that your husband drives such a long way to see his parents, them spends so little time with them; surely they would appreciate him staying overnight? If he is still working I can see that he would not want to use up precious free time, but if he is retired then one night away would not be extreme.
I used to do a round trip of 360 miles in one day to see my parents, but they were in a nursing home, spent most of the time asleep, and I was working full time so weekends were precious. But I enjoyed driving, knew the route well, and found it less tiring than staying overnight; I was also only in my fifties.
If you went with your husband, would he let you share the driving? Somehow, I think not.

We always shared the driving in my married life - even towing a caravan. Since then I have only done one really extended trip on my own and even then I had rest stops. Even very experienced and skilful drivers run a risk of dropping off at the wheel as they age. A risk not only to themselves but to innumerable other road users. I once felt myself falling asleep on the M6. I've never taken such a risk again.

I agree with you Maddyone it's a long tiring day and unnecessary. My husband recently drove to the UK and back, over nine hours and said he would only do it with an overnight stop in future. He is 73 and was an HGV driver. Other people are at risk when a driver is tired and the driver does not always realise how his/her driving is affected.
Unfortunately it sounds like your husband is not open to discussion on this so I would not say any more for a while. I would not travel for that amount of time either so I can understand you not going with him.