Friend betrayal

no, notonan, I didn't say the person had breached any code. I was just commenting that given her training and knowledge, she should have been aware of the issues.

That's all I meant.

I can't quite understand the 'disloyal' accusation. If I helped somebody to get a job, I wouldn't expect loyalty and automatically assume that they would take my side in a disagreement. You don't get loyalty through bribery.

If two colleagues have an argument I'd try to be objective and helpful to both. I'd make up my own mind whether I agreed with one or could see both points of view. I'd try not to take sides. That's how professionals work. She offered to talk about it and would probably have helped you just as much.

Mind you if she did it would almost certainly be found to be vexatious but still

I must say that I really don't believe you've helped OP one little bit.

Am actually more concerned about the OPs team if posters egg her on to make perfessional conduct accusations just because an ex friend of hers didnt take her side in the workplace (rightly so!)

"Life"

Well people are now saying that the friend is in breach of professional standards which is a huge live changing accusation, and also completely false given what the OP has posted.

Thats not okay.

Dear me notanan2 you are very angry aren't you?
I must say that I really don't believe you've helped OP one little bit.
Obviously you disagree but it would have been good if you could have phrased things a little nicer and not kept on posting comments in such an attacking, personal "and another thing" style.

She has not breached any professional or ethical codes by helping her colleague compose a letter!

If this person is a registered counsellor, she is bound by an ethical code.

She should have absolutely crystal clear and firm boundaries.

I have helped colleagues self refer to HR and to Occupational Health. It does not mean that I am confirming their issue, however they are entitled to self refer, and if they dont know how to do this I will show them, whether or not I think it will come to anything.

If a manager told me I shouldnt I think that HR should know that the manager was interfering in people getting help with access to proper process

Its worth noting that helping someone with their letters regarding a disciplinary against them does not require full agreement with their POV. Everyone is entitled to a fair disciplinary process, and getting help to express their side of things can form part of this.

The OP not wanting this to happen because of "loyalty" doesnt mean that it shouldnt.

Obviously, as a manager you could not discuss one employee with another, so you did the right thing by telling your friend that you would not discuss another member of staff with her.

I can understand you are hurt, but honestly, by giving this woman a job you placed yourself and her in a potentially difficult situation - she is now both your friend and a member of your staff. This is a difficult situation and one that you would IMO have done well to avoid.

I cannot see that you reasonably can object to two members of your staff discussing the difficulties the one was having with you, her manager, nor object to your friend helping this other woman draft a letter of complaint to you.

You and your friend will just need to agree to differ with regards to this third person. Presumably, you were justified in going the lengths of a disciplinary action, and I am sure you know very well that very few employees would swallow that without either justifying themselves or writing a formal complaint about the action you had instigated.

I think you really need to put on your professional hat here, and I am sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear.

I personally would never employ family or friends as it is hard to keep ones professional and private life apart if you do so.

I wouldn't want this person counselling me! Be professional, don't see her in any social capacity outside of work and hope her contract soon comes to an end. Always think twice about working with friends and family, it often results in unhappiness.

Not really a friend. And what a nightmare to be counselled by someone who 'loves drama and gossip'!!!

show interest in your family and problems and then use the information to say negative things about you to other staff and managers.

The "friend" hasnt done this though.
She had done a colleague a favour and asked the OP how shes feeling about an ongoing issue affecting the team. Anything else is speculation..

She could accuse you of unprofessional behaviour or even harassment if you approach her about her betrayal of your friendship. and she wouldnt be wrong.

Thank goodness she is on a temporary contract!
I too have worked with people like this- very understanding ( “ you’ll feel better if you talk about it” ) concerned, show interest in your family and problems and then use the information to say negative things about you to other staff and managers.
It is very upsetting especially when you have trusted this person. I couldn’t be friends with anyone who did this to me and would be very wary of what I said to them in future.

Hello
You have had lots of good advice so I just want to add my own thoughts. This person sounds like a narcissist and you could well unleash a whole lot of trouble if you approach her about this betrayal/ eye opener into her true personality. She could accuse you of unprofessional behaviour or even harassment if you approach her about her betrayal of your friendship. In her mind, there is no betrayal, her primary motivation is to se herself , as she had done to you, as either marvellous and the person turn to or a victim of people’s nastiness and vindictiveness. If you challenge her you will automatically be classed in the latter. I would see this as a hard lesson learnt and be the utmost professional around her. Narcissists can be vengeful people when their true self is exposed and I would tread carefully around her.

oh what a terrible situation to be placed in and I sympathise fully, however, I think the correct thing to do would be not to say anything whatsoever to your friend at all, it could all backfire on you. I have learned from the past to keep my working life totally apart from my personal life, even though some of my friends were/are colleagues

I would never tell her how she offended you . Leave her to guess. But just never be available but turn her down sweetly . It’s not as if she will wonder what she has done as she already knows . It will hurt her more in the long run as she has lost a good friend

It's hard to separate the professional and the personal, and as a retired manager, I'm not sure you should've 'invited' her in the first place.

Accept you'll never trust her as a friend again. Asking you if you wanted to chat about it, and possibly reporting back to this 3rd party, is unforgivable.

Beware as you are still working together. The last thing you want or need are undercurrents from members of your team
who might take sides.
I had a similar situation, fortunately we only met up at work....
I decided to leave and follow other paths. Which I did.
It was only when we met in a store car park did I show my feelings........ Or should I say vent my feelings.
We are no longer friends, something I am better off
without.
What ever you decide................. Best of luck.

Agree Notanan, anyone can help another in such a case, especially if they have have a work place Trade Union.

Keep it professional, don't discuss with her. She sounds, as other's have said. like she has no boundaries. . . Bit risky for a counsellor!

I do think you need to separate your personal and your professional relationship with this person. If you were not a personal friend with this person would your view of the situation be different? As a manager of a team it can be very difficult if you are a personal friend of someone as well as their manager or senior team mate.

I would agree with others who have suggested a conversation with this person and an honest discussion of the tensions, conflicts and issues that have now developed. Sadly, it may be that either the personal relationship or the professional relationship needs to go. This is an example where it is sometimes really hard to be a manager when you would rather be a friend. Sometimes you can't be both. Good luck, this is not an easy path to travel.