In law issue... childcare

What “consequences” do you expect from inlaws?

You aren’t their teenager and cannot put you in a time out.

They can kick off and tantrum, and you can put down the phone, walk out, or ignore texts. They have no power over you.

Maternityleave, no, no, no,don't do that.
The little ones need to have their grandparents in their lives.

You may find that your mother in laws illness brings you closer, in a strange way.
She may mellow a bit, and begin to appreciate what she has.. here's hoping.

I just find this conversation really exhausting. The most exhausting one is the one that i have with myself in my mind. Constantly thinking about it. Dreading having the convo and putting my food down. Dealing with consequences from in laws. Not too bothered about DH response. I will just offer him the silent treatment. But with the in laws i am worried about what they will say or do next. Its so draining. I dont think people realise that this is why dils cut contact. I really wanted to be a dil that got on with in laws. And now i realise i will never be that and i am accepting it and feel quite sad by it.

Hi
I think the other posters have grasped my situation quite well.
Hetty the reason why i posted was because i didnt know whether i was being unreasonable to offer between 2-5 hours contact a week as sufficient or was this too restrictive. I felt it was sufficient. And if posters felt it was sufficient, i wanted help on how i can approach DH and in laws without causing too much disruption.

This post is just odd and doesn't ring true. I question why the OP would really want advice when her mind is made up. Perhaps she wants valid reasons (to present to her husband) for refusing the childcare offer. She shouldn't need them, though, as it's her decision anyway!

I do not think the OP needs to be preeched to about the benefits of grandparent contact. She has facilitated LOTS of contact. But its not enough they want total control!

She was planning to take him round for 2.5 hours twice a week, but they felt this wasn't enough.

Somebody who is prepared to throw her toys out of the pram that way until she gets what she wants (referring to MIL, not OP) is not someone I would want around a child.

I think many posters on here forget that the relationship between children and their parents and those same children and their grandparents is very different. I mentioned on a separate thread that whilst I loved my grandmother I was aware that she was not that keen on my mother. I think it was to do with the fact that my parents had me when they were 21, followed by 3 others over the next 7 years. My grandmother did not approve. However, for me she was everything I think a GM should be and I am forever grateful for that. One of the things that GPs have to give is time. I watched my Father with my niece when she was a toddler. He had time and patience to spend with her.

If Maternity Leave is only going back to work for 3 days, why, during the other 2 days, can't you take your childearound to his grandparents and leave him there for an hour or so, at the time of day when he isn't normally tired?

Good luck MaternityLeave. I hope you start to get respect from your husband and extended family

Dh wont get LO out of nursery as this will require more effort. I think once i decide to stand up and be heard then it will get worse but i will need to continue standing up for myself to start a change.

Agree with Hithere. You have been the dutiful peacekeeper trying to please the unpleasable, and you putting YOURSELF centre to decisions about your home and child will create a backlash

BUT that can only affect you if you let it. Let them tantrum all they want.

Maternityleave
Buckle up! It will get worse before it gets better.

Do you think your dh will get your baby out of the nursery during the week for his parents to play mommy and daddy?

Thanks notanan2 ?. DH will be in for a shock with my new attitude.

Its fine for people to play to their strengths in a marraige but in this case the DH is not just controlling the finances, he is controlling the finances AND major decisions like moving AND child raring issues. Thats a red flag. OP is right to have a "back up" fund and keep her job as she is being pushed out of her own life!

I agree with you MaternityLeave that you have been the "people pleaser" in the past and they have taken excessive advantage of that. Do what you feel is best for your work and your child. If your DH wants more visits to his ILs then HE can drop a day at work and do it for a change.

Calli DH would never think I was 'controlling' he is just grateful that someone who is better at it than him does the chore!

I used to do all our finances, since DH retired and is at home he has taken over much of it and I am thankful for that.

I agree that we are only seeing one side of this and it would appear that the OP is really blaming her DH because she is already planning her exit. She has asked that we see her point of view but shown no empathy for her MiL's illness or point of view. I don't know who is right. I do find it interesting that on MiL threads we get a few new posters whose sole aim is to back up the OP and wonder if they are already known to each other. It is always wise when you don't know someone to look beyond the words for the bigger picture.

I see nothing wrong with one partner doing all the finances, no different do doing all the cooking, DIY or gardening. I have done all ours for years, just give DH something to sign and he does. He knows there is a spreadsheet he can look at any time he likes but he is not interested. He does all the insurances and I have no idea about that and no wish to.

Hopefully now you've made your decision things will settle down maternityLeave, I hope so and wish you and your family well.

Some PEOPLE will never be pleased...Mil's are not an amorphous mass ...they are individual personalities just as everyone is. I just dont get this apparent expectation of common traits in MiLs or parents ow whatever ...its PEOPLE and we are all different. Glad you have made a decision Maternityleave

Maternityleave,
Trust your gut. Human beings were given inticts for a reason.

It is easier to add at a later time than to remove (visits, babysitting, etc)

Good for you MaternityLeave. Do what is best for your family. Sometimes people will always be unhappy and want more and more and more.

You have to do whats right for you, LO and DH, and it sounds like you have decided what that is. I'm glad DH will support you, even if grumbling about it. It's his choice to be upset, let him grumble.

Hugs to you and I hope you are able to enjoy the rest of your leave with your little one in peace.

You know i have just reread some of the passive aggressive posts and i just honestly feel like taking my son to a nursery near work. And continuing with the once a week visit for a couple of hours to mils. I know if i am forceful about this, husband will accept it. He may not be happy about it but i don't have to care. I think i have probably care too much. I realise now from these posts some MILS /Grannys CANNOT be pleased. So whats the point in trying and failing. From now on i am going to simply do what i think is right and if in laws are smiling great. If not, well tough.

Then dh has to see how to facilitate himself additional visitation with the baby and his parents that does not interfere with his work schedule.

I think i will find a way out of this. Thank you again everyone for your words. I will update you all.