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In law issue... childcare

(387 Posts)
MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 01:10:54

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:
1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour
Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish?
In laws dote on son.

love0c Mon 05-Aug-19 13:59:42

Providing they are healthy enough to look after him and you know in your heart they will look after him, then I would let them. Nurseries are not that brilliant! Sorry! I have yet to hear of anyone give full marks. You can not pay someone to love your child. If your inlaws genuinely love him then what could be better. Don't be in any doubt that nurseries and any type of educational system will not influence your child. They all do!!! Try to think that if you did like your inlaws would you be happy for them to care for him. I would much rather leave my children with someone who I know loves him.

Hithere Mon 05-Aug-19 13:58:04

Thinking about it, I agree with you on the job.
Maternityleave needs to say "no, it is not going to happen and we make decisions together as the parents of the child" and mean it. That is the hardest part.

Summerlove Mon 05-Aug-19 13:55:28

msadventure like I said, different medical opinions. As I said, as an adult I was not allowed to visit my grandmother.

It was just a suggestion to ask all doctors involved.

Though, If I were uncharitable, inlaws would lie about recommendations just to get what they want

notanan2 Mon 05-Aug-19 13:43:08

P.s. do NOT consider giving up your job in these dodgy circimstances. You have so little independance as it is.

notanan2 Mon 05-Aug-19 13:41:13

If your DH actually disliked the way his parents are/treat you, he would not have been instrumental in buying a house on their street.

His actions may speak louder than his words. And his actions speak of very little respect for you OP.

He may even be BLAMING them to you for things that were HIS idea.

You need to watch your back

Hithere Mon 05-Aug-19 13:35:37


Have you talked to your pediatrician about the effects of mil's treatment on other people?

I would just stay home and don't go back to work if you want to avoid a fight with your dh.
Btw, your dh's fault! How dare he make life changing arrangements with his mother, ignoring you? This will continue as long as you allow it by "compromising"

What when your dh and MIL decide your kid's 1st bday party is at her place and she bakes the cake? Spend Christmas at her place so she can see LO opening presents?
Are you ready for her to take over your lives?
And then, when she passes away, how can you be so mean to FIL and SIL to remove all the access (aka less babysitting, for example) to LO they had before MIL passed away! How about the bond they have! Doesn't it matter?

Your ILs dont like you and disrespect you. Your ILs and dh are manipulators - it is vile to use a disease and possibly misrepresent the severity of it for their own advantage.

ILs are unsafe to babysit. They will ignore your rules and they will take your baby to see people you do not know and approve of. They will steal your firsts, tell you and enjoy your discomfort and pain.
Would you hire daycare that would do this? I doubt it

You know very well that your ILs and dh will guilt and manipulate your child when your child doesn't do what mil wants (fulfill their mother of your child experience). Do you really want that for your baby?

I am sorry MIL is sick. It must be hard for everybody involved.
However, you did not make her sick. Your child will not magically cure her. Your child is not Prozac.

ILs are horrible parents. Leave and cleave anybody? Respect for other adults? No, that is not what they taught your dh.

Your ILs may also not be happy with your compromise and may push for more. Where is your limit?

Please, OP, put your child first, not the whims of selfish adults who have childish fits when they do not get their way.

notanan2 Mon 05-Aug-19 13:32:03

I get that he is coming home and acting like the "good cop". The victim in the middle even.

But HE is being 50% involved in these decisions. Perhaps even leading them more than he is letting on.

notanan2 Mon 05-Aug-19 13:29:41

Why is your knowledge of your MILs prognosis so vague? I bet your DH knows whats going on with that, why does it suit him to keep you somewhat in the dark?

Are there any other aspects of your life you are kept vague on OP? Finances? Deeds? Mortgage? Etc.

Be careful/smart.
You are being worked out of the loop re your childs upbringing. What other areas of your life are you being made redundant in?

notanan2 Mon 05-Aug-19 13:22:51

The DH is getting away with saying it is all because of the ILs

But HE is going and discussing your life decisions with them instead of you OP
And HE is agreeing these decisions in your absence OP
Then HE is coming back to you and blaming them


notanan2 Mon 05-Aug-19 13:16:28

DH and I have supported each other through sick relatives, dying parents etc and still remained a team/partnership.

OP is in a very controlling relationship. If the MIL wasnt ill I'll bet there would be another excuse for his needs to take absolute priority over hers!

notanan2 Mon 05-Aug-19 13:11:24

I'm sure maternityleave will be able to sort out arrangements to keep everyone happy (ish!)

How? She is not even in the loop!

Her life and childs upbringing are being decided in her absense between her husband and his parents and then she is bullied into going along with whatever THEY decided.

I dont buy that the husband is an innocent piggy in the middle in all this TBH.

MissAdventure Mon 05-Aug-19 13:10:31

No, they were school age children, no doubt fetching home even more.

Probably as many germs as the people at the hospital where we were at least twice a week, in waiting rooms, the cafe, etc.

Summerlove Mon 05-Aug-19 13:07:28

Were they small babies bringing home constant germs?

I was an adult without kids and didn’t work with children and I was still not allowed to visit my grandmother during chemo in case I brought germs.

Different chemos are unsafe for babies to be around as well.

I’m sorry about your daughter. We all have different experiences and rules given by medical professionals

MissAdventure Mon 05-Aug-19 13:06:25

Yes, it does sound as if she is swaying things to suit her own ends, I'm just correcting some misconceptions.

I'm sure maternityleave will be able to sort out arrangements to keep everyone happy (ish!)

I don't envy her trying to negotiate it all though!

notanan2 Mon 05-Aug-19 13:02:54

I think the point, MissAdventure, is that the MILs condition is serious when it is being used to cut her out of the house move decision, then shes fine when it comes to cutting her out of decisions about her childs childcare!

MissAdventure Mon 05-Aug-19 12:59:12

My daughter lived with her two children up until the end.
Nobody ever suggested it was unsafe.

Summerlove Mon 05-Aug-19 12:52:25

Your baby will always be closer to you than aunts/ grandparents as long as you can be a good enpugh parent and shelve your dislike. Do not be jealous of the love they have for your pleased! Kids will be confused by tension between the people they care about so tread carefully.
A good parent is a happy parent. A happy parent isn’t one who is being assaulted with guilt for having the audacity to actually want to make parenting decisions without interference from external family members.

OP does far more than most to ensure her child knows his extended family, but she shouldn’t have to give over child care to people she doesn’t trust. Would you really handover your child to someone that you do not trust if they were at a daycare? Just because somebody’s family doesn’t make them trustworthy. Op has stated they would ignore routines and safety by taking the child to unknown houses.

Kids do pick up on tensions, and In cases like these, they end up learning that MUM isn’t a safe decision maker and is a doormat to send them places she doesn’t want. They learn that inlaws are the ultimate authority for rules. Surely this isn’t what you’d advise?

As far as all the comments of “they raised your husband”, yes, they raised him into a man who bows down to mummy and family at the expense of his wife and child. Those are not admirable qualities.

Re chemo, it’s actually quite unsafe for both your child AND mil to be around each other while she’s having treatment

notanan2 Mon 05-Aug-19 12:22:32

If your DH acknowledging you as the childs parent "riles" them then your concerns about them having your child unsupervised are justified!

notanan2 Mon 05-Aug-19 12:21:21

But it doesnt matter how "riled" they are they are not your childs parents!

MaternityLeave Mon 05-Aug-19 12:01:35

In an ideal world notanan. I wish! But that will only rile his family up further!

notanan2 Mon 05-Aug-19 11:44:01

Also one final thing i will attempt to address is dh. I know dh can put an end to all these issues by putting his foot down and saying no

It is not about saying "no"

It is about saying "I will discuss it with MaternityLeave and then WE will get back to you" rather than deciding on your life choices and childs upbringing without you then "working" you into compliance!

MaternityLeave Mon 05-Aug-19 09:09:50

Yes bluebell. I agree with what you say. I am not sure how cancer and chemo and remission work. It seems to vary. I know mil feels exhausted a week after chemo. Then she is well and “normal” for 3 weeks until she does the chemo again and the cycle continues. She has chemo for 6 months. And is then fine until cancer grows. Also in general mil is a strong minded and hard working lady. She will not allow the cancer to take over her routine.
With childcare i have two non confrontational solutions.
First- dont go back to work.
Second- send son to nursery near my work. In laws cant pick him up. This means they cant have access to him between 4.00/6.30pm which is what i thought was reasonable but they will still have a couple of hours a week in the weekends.

BlueBelle Mon 05-Aug-19 08:57:29

Of course if a poster sees the problem through your eyes only they will be supportive other posters are trying to see it through all eyes and give you more real advice
I think because of your concerns real or imaginary you have no choice but to look after your son yourself not your mother in law, not your father in law, not your sister in laws, but you and the nursery, Money is not a problem you say, so that’s the best thing all round
Continue your visits and your limited ‘leaving with them’ one or two hours in an afternoon and hopefully this will all blow over and everyone will live happily ever after but you will need to talk to your husband because really he is the pin to all this he is the one who should have been making the situation clear to his mum and dad he is the one who has blurred the lines more than once (house first) now childcare
I will just say my friend who has had cancer now in remission does a lot of childcare with her husband two young boys 5 and a few months ...not everyone is (ill) ill with cancer and terminal can be anything from weeks to years it means not able to cure some people are very ill and have a dreadful time others are just living with it

MaternityLeave Mon 05-Aug-19 08:52:13

Also one final thing i will attempt to address is dh. I know dh can put an end to all these issues by putting his foot down and saying no. He has done this a few times on other issues such as how we spend Christmas, birthdays, Christenings etc. Going on holidays, car purchases, lifestyle choices, our sons food choices etc. Mil can be quite opinionated and he has voiced our views and stood his ground. I understand his difficult position. This is why i did not leave when he bought the house. This is why i cannot be forceful with this issue because i can see he is torn and he too is hurting. I think posters here forget the complexities of emotions here.
I was once told that when MIL is no longer here this pressure i feel will also go. But now i realise this pressure will increase as fil will become vulnerable and will rely on his grandson for his happiness. Dh will feel even more guilt and sils will be fiercely protective of fil and so the issues continue.

MaternityLeave Mon 05-Aug-19 08:34:12

Hi everyone,
Thank you for your responses.
Bradford lass and Star lady, i think you have grasped the problem rather well. These family relationships are very difficult. Negative emotions are entrenched due to the difficulties i faced at the time of marriage and house purchase. This is probably affecting my judgement.
It saddens me deeply that posters like Callistamon question the honesty of my post and call me controlling. If this was the case i would not be here seeking advice. Instead i would tell my husband our son is going to childcare. I know he will not like this but if i put my foot down he will have to accept it. But i am seeking advice on if 2 visits a week between 4.00-6.30pm is reasonable access? But some posters seem not to answer that but attack me instead.
The other common concern here is how can my terminally ill mil look after a baby. As i said, i have two very able and available sils at hand. And my fil is very fit and healthy too. So the actual care giving is not an issue.
Also saving money is not a concern here.
Earlier i also said my concern was what happens if my in laws do something which i dont agree with like feeding my son something i don't want him to eat or allowing him to watch too much tv or not giving him enough naps etc. This is what they do when i visit but i try not to say much as i dont want to be that fussy mum. I know they will not take kindly to my preferences and i will feel stifled and angry causing further dislike and resentment. Also this childcare “support” in laws provide will make them feel like they have ownership. I have seen many threads on here which show grandparents feel they are taken advantage of n are free childcare but never get to do the fun stuff etc. I would rather do the days out with in laws. So please try to understand my reasonings before labelling me as controlling.
Finally i dont know how long my mil has to live. I hope she has a long life and is able to watch her grandson grow. Perhaps as one poster said, she is desperate and needy and possibly this makes her behave unreasonably. Maybe none of us realise the desperation one feels when death is clutching at their throats. And maybe my issues are petty. Its so difficult.
Thank you again everyone. One thing for sure is whether i give in to mil i will not be happy and if i do what i want i will be consumed with guilt. I feel this summarises my entire marriage. Dh prob feels the same.