In law issue... childcare

You're guessing way off MaternityLeave !! Hence , Im not on here asking total strangers for advice you don't really want.

I totally agree Stella - the OP is asking ONLY for support for her point of view where the person who needs to agree with her is her husband.

Well said Nonnie !

Ah, Mumsnet!
I'm sure they can advise you about your terminally ill, overbearing MIL.

Actually, if she is having chemo she may have been advised not to come into contact with a young baby both for the baby's sake and for her own in case the baby gave her an infection. A baby going to nursery may be in contact with viruses, infections that could be passed on to your vulnerable MIL.

Sorry but I don't think some of this rings true. MiL is terminally ill and about to have another dose of chemo. She wouldn't even offer to have the child.
I agree, Nonnie

Is this what someone referred to as wooden spooning?

Quite honestly I think you need to seek help.its not normal to think your in laws will take your child visiting people who may abuse him.
What kind of world do you think it is? The vast majority of people are good and kind and will be a happy addition to your sons life .You wont be able to keep him away from everyone all his childhood ,he'll meet "strangers" every day .Are you going to strap him to your side?
IF as you say they are good GP's what is your issue ? I have looked after all 4 of my GC since they were small babies.one of them has lived with me for half of every week for 9 years and the new baby expected this month will join our happy wee gang ,Not once have either my SIL or DIL ever questioned my ability physically or mentally to care for their children.Thank goodness my sons not married to someone like you ! Families should be there and work together for the GC .Children gain so much from being with the older generation of a family .

Surely you realised before you married him that your DH was putty in his mother's hands and that she was a dominating woman.

So many of these family issues depend on the character traits of individuals that must have been clear during courtship, let alone, the early childfree years, so should surely have been assessed, discussed and decisions reached either jointly or individually then.

I've seen your post on Mumsnet as well. Instead of asking a multitude of strangers about this, why are you not talking to the one person who actually matters - your husband ?

Sorry but I don't think some of this rings true. MiL is terminally ill and about to have another dose of chemo. She wouldn't even offer to have the child.

Forced to move into a house you didn't like or get divorced? Doesn't sound like a good marriage to me. If you did that why are you worried about a loving grandparent looking after a baby? What is wrong with taking a baby to meet people you don't know, MiL wouldn't leave him alone with them and it is good for children to meet different people and see different homes. Do you take him to your friends?

Don't like the rest of the family either? These terrible people brought up the man you love?

Hmm sounds like a control issue to me.

Presumably you've asked everyone on Mumsnet too?

You need to check if your son can even be around her at all with some of the treatments.

YANBU. But you need to get mad at your husband. Tell him if he wants to co parent with his mum then he can crack on with the baby making. But you are your child’s mother and all decisions and discussions only involve you two.

Apologies; I hadn't read all the posts properly before I posted.
I understand your feelings better now; you are being overwhelmed by your husband's family, and it is not just your mother-in-law, it is also sisters- in-law and probably their cousins and their sisters and their aunts as well. Your husband has manipulated you into moving as close back home as he can get, by using his mother's serious, not necessarily terminal illness, and now he intends his family to play a large part in the upbringing of your, not their, child.
A poor way to behave.

You do have to take a firm stand over this and be very clear about what you want to do. It may be wise to hold on to your job, because you enjoy it, and it will give you some financial independence and a life away from this slightly suffocating family. Consider the possible options with your work first and if you decide to return, make sure that you organise the childcare first, then tell your husband your decision, and do not allow yourself to be be browbeaten.
It is up to you how much you choose to see your in-laws, and it would be kind to see them regularly; you may also be grateful for some assistance with child care later. But again, on your terms.
It doesn't sound as though it will be easy, but if you allow them to dominate the care of your child, you will be even more unhappy.

And yes i am concerned my mil will visit friends and relatives i do not know or trust. All kinds of abuse takes place in peoples homes. Why would i extend my trust to friends and family of mils/ and their visitors?

Mil has had cancer for 7 years and three round of chemo. She is due for another round in the next few months. So i dont really know how long or little time she has.
NanaandGrampy- i agreed to the housemove as i was pregnant and didnt want to leave my marriage when my husband and i get along perfectly well when in laws do not interfere. I didnt want to deny our child of both parents for the sake of escaping in laws. We live in times where people divorce so quick. I think it takes courage to try and make it work. “Vilifying my in laws”? If i was doing that i would not say they are great grandparents. If i did not feel guilt or torn i would have put my foot down and said no. So how does that match with you questioning my intention for posting? I am guessing you probably behave like my mil hence ur comments. Yes a convo with husband will happen. With advice from here, i will be better informed and much more calmer with a better perspective on what to say and do. That was my intent when i posted.

I’m stunned to read that one of your issues is that your MiL might take your child to visit people you don’t know??

Did they do such a terrible job raising your DH that they’re untrustworthy? Are they likely to take your child somewhere detrimental ? Are you going to deny your child the opportunity for meeting new people and experiences because you don’t know the people ?

I’m sorry because I just cannot buy into this whole scenario of vilifying your in-laws. You agreed to live in your current house - you seem quite capable of standing up for yourself so why did you agree? You say it’s caused a wedge between you and your husband - is this really going to help matters ?

Maybe instead of coming here and looking for support from strangers , it’s time you sat down and discussed this with your husband .

Husband is the problem I m afraid if you don’t like any of his family the move was a major mistake (pregnant or not)
I think you have completely made up your mind none of the in laws will be looking after the baby so it’s now between you and your husband, and to be honest this doesn’t bode well if you haven’t untangled him from his family in 14 years what chance now, I think you’re between a rock and a hard place you either learn to get on with them and make compromises or move away with or without your husband

Compromise! Is that possible? On the grounds that if MiL is terminally ill it would be an added stress to have a daily commitment to child care. So a regular afternoon or two with grandparents/ auntie and the rest of the time at day care. Baby will get best of both.. social development & fun with other ch at nursey and family bonding & fun with extended family. Both needs are met. Your baby will always be closer to you than aunts/ grandparents as long as you can be a good enpugh parent and shelve your dislike. Do not be jealous of the love they have for your child..be pleased! Kids will be confused by tension between the people they care about so tread carefully. Be reasonable and clear but concede some ground. You will be behaving maturely and sensibly.

I blame your DH. He should put your needs first and stand up to his mother and sisters. I am sorry you bought a house in the same road. I was in a similar position when I was first married. MiL used to dominate all our weekends and as we were both working we had no time to ourselves. I was desperately unhappy. Fortunately we moved hundreds of miles away but I had 4 years of hell.
Demanding MiL’s are very difficult to deal with unless your DH takes a stand. Try to stand firm about the childcare. It is your decision. Talk to your DH, choose a moment when you are both in a good place, don’t make it an argument and explain exactly how you feel if you don’t your marriage will suffer.

Your issue is with your husband, not with your in-laws. He seems to be making all the decisions, whereas those about work and childcare are between you and your employers. Are you able to change from three full days a week to working every afternoon, or have you not discussed it yet with your employers? Child care is very expensive, and you may have to use all your wages to cover it, but it seems that , to you, money is not the issue.

You certainly resent your in-laws, and I think if you are in the financial position to stay at home while your child is young you should do so, and bring him up yourself. This is a decision to be reached by you and your husband, who seems to want his parents overly involved in the upbringing of his child; you have to insist that it is what suits you and the child, not his family, which must come first.

Sorry I hadn’t read previous post which says she has always been difficult . In that case don’t give an inch she sounds a nightmare

I think you seem to have been mostly ok with MIL until you felt manipulated into moving to a house you didn’t want. Anybody would be resentful of that and of course that has eroded trust. Before you were pregnant did MIL have a habit of manipulating you/ using emotional blackmail or is this new behaviour.

What is terminally ill? That can be living for a few weeks or a few years which is a big difference. I think you need to have a very frank chat with your husband and decide if you can compromise eg maybe allow 1 afternoon a week at MILs or whether you stay at home and care is not needed. If you can afford to do that it may be a better solution then you will not miss any baby milestones. They grow up very fast.

How can a terminally ill woman look after an 8 month old 3 days a week, have visitors, visit people and go out on day trips?

Your DH sounds like he can't say 'No' to her but doesn't have a problem saying it to you. Buying a house you didn't want but felt bullied into buying is massive.

Stick with the childcare at nursery. It will probably hit the fan but at some point she needs to hear the word no!

I don't think you want anyone else's opinion quite frankly. You've made your mind up and that's all there is to it.

I doubt you would change your mind .

Hi
I dont like his sisters. They are in the same league as his mother. Mil tried to stop our wedding until 3 days before the ceremony. Again her illness led this. Yet on wedding day she “adored” me. So not it has not been a pleasant 14 years.
Mil has not been on her deathbed. She has cancer and is in and out of treatment. I have a good job. A nice little local earner and it will sadden me to leave now cos of in laws and dh. ☹️?

It sounds to me that the op is angry at being manipulated by this family. They are in the same road, other daughter and family with the in-laws, another sister just around the corner. Sounds a bit much.

How ill is this mother in law if she’s out visiting friends etc I was reading it as if she’s on her death bed ? Also you say i m signed up to a lifetime of these issues I thought she was terminally ill so wouldn’t be around all that much longer ?
Let’s get to the bottom of this you don’t like your mother in law, you don’t trust her, and you don’t want your son with her, that’s basically it, isn’t it?
If you and your husband can’t agree about the nursery then that is a big problem and perhaps you do need to be a stay at home mum until mother in law dies
Are they really that bad how come they raised a son you obviously love and at least two other daughters you clearly trust What is so bad about them?

Sad for them sad for your husband and obviously annoying for you are you sure it’s not your anger at the buying of the house that is eating away at you, were they decent in laws for the other 13 years ?

Well I guess that you have your own answer in the last post. Perhaps you need to sit down calmly with your husband and say just that. Your preference is nursery or you stay home with your child. Perhaps that would be for the best anyway. It does seem that you have been put into an impossible position.

Also if i share this with dh he will find answers fir it all. If he insists too much, i will leave my job and return to work when our child goes to school. This will keep dh and i together without causing war.

Thank you for ur replies.
Just to make things clear:
Dh sis is at home. No job (has good financial investments), children, marriage etc. Therefore readily available to care / mother my little one. His other sis is around the corner with adult children. So again available. So mil being ill is not going to impact their care offer.
I just feel torn with saying no and doing what i want v mil being ill amd denying her access.
I think my concerns are because i really CANNOT deal with the challenges that will come with them looking after my child. Eg. Food preferences, naps, routine, going out (mil will take him to friends houses, i may not know friends etc) i will have signed up to a lifetime of these issues with a dh who cant say no. ??. I just about cope and get by now. If push comes to shove i may leave work. Also what happens if we fall out with mil?