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In law issue... childcare

(293 Posts)
MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 01:10:54

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:
1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour
Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish?
In laws dote on son.

MaternityLeave Wed 28-Aug-19 20:39:34

Hi everyone,

Just a quick update.
Since my last post i have tried to look at the positives re in laws. But there were occasions of behaviour which made visits to in laws difficult.. to be fair these incidents were sil related not mil or fil.
Anyway i realised then that leaving my LO with them would require daily interaction. And i was not willing to deal with them on a regular basis.
So i spoke to DH. Basically said that i need LO near to me at work. He tried to persuade me otherwise re cost saving etc. He had a point. Its a £360 cost saving per month. But i said no and without argument he agreed to my decision.
Im not sure how in laws will take to this bit of news.

Summerlove Wed 14-Aug-19 20:08:29

The fact they blocked you from FB would have me feeling very very awkward about dropping my child off. What exactly are they hiding from you? Do you have a no social media policy for your child they are ignoring?

Be careful moving forward.

That would be massive knock to me trusting them

Madgran77 Wed 14-Aug-19 06:36:41

Good luck Maternity Leave You are trying very hard, hope it works. Cutting you off FB ...hmmm ...maybe getting it out in the open? Ask them why? But you know the dynamics best!

Hithere I am glad Maternity Leave is not offended by your posts...she is right that you make some valid points , the style of expressing might not be heard by some posters with problems , unlike Maternity Leave. Which is a shame.

Hithere Wed 14-Aug-19 01:43:16

Crossing fingers and toes!

MaternityLeave Wed 14-Aug-19 01:32:26

Not sure when i will drop LO off. Probably wont be for a week or two. Such complexities. I do have a christening to attend this weekend with in laws. So hoping for a positive experience.

Hithere Wed 14-Aug-19 01:26:42

I am glad you know what your limit is. I am afraid it may be a short period of time till they reach it.

When are you going to drop son again with the ILs? I will be thinking of you

MaternityLeave Wed 14-Aug-19 01:18:21

If i am honest i dont even care. N DH can do nothing for as long as he likes. If they carry on this way then one day i will say enough and wont have to feel guilty for whatever action i take. I just hope they get a grip.

MaternityLeave Wed 14-Aug-19 01:15:19

Dh will do nothing. He will probably file it in his head and observe things more closely. I could have gloated and said i told you so and gone to town. But then we would end up arguing. I know if they continue this way they will slip up without me saying or doing anything.

Hithere Wed 14-Aug-19 01:11:47

So what does dh want to do now?

MaternityLeave Wed 14-Aug-19 01:02:12

Hi there- that little voice is my conscience. Lol
DH couldnt believe it n went silent lol. I had my suspicions but tonight just confirmed it. I said i was quite upset by it. I mean i was a bit but i was glad that i wasnt imagining their dislike and these little things will show dh that there are real issues here.

Hithere Wed 14-Aug-19 00:55:01


That little voice called fog?

Re: blocked in social media, what does your dh have to say about it?

MaternityLeave Wed 14-Aug-19 00:40:23

Also just found out mil n sil have blocked me on social media. Great timing huh. Dh was showing me stuff on his feed which wasnt on mine. Anyway he was taken aback. There was awkward silence. Lol.

MaternityLeave Wed 14-Aug-19 00:38:22

Hithere - i know in laws prob wont. DH may. But i do this to silence the little voice in my head.

Hithere Tue 13-Aug-19 23:16:45


You are truly a gem and I hope your dh and ILs appreciate your efforts.

MaternityLeave Tue 13-Aug-19 21:39:08

Hi everyone,

Firstly Hithere i am not offended by your posts. I know you raise some valid points. I do not think that allowing in laws to care for LO one day a week will not be challenging. But from now and until i return to work (mid nov) i will leave make the effort to LO with them with a set of instructions. My next set of instructions will be written down so they are clear. If sil / mil continues to ignore me then i will challenge them. As you all probably gussed, i did not challenge sil or mil as to why they fed LO milk. I did mention to DH that i was not happy they did this as it ruins his routine. As expected DH said nothing as he didn't want to encourage me but i think this shows him what the care offer at mils will be like. So basically they are on trial between now and November. I will genuinely try to
make this work but if sil n mil ignore me and do what they please. Or get nasty when i challenge them then i will send LO to nursery and feel no guilt. If however we are able to work something out then i will send LO for a day.
Hithere- i do have a back up plan which is that if i do send LO to in laws and things turn sour, i will change nurseries and send LO to the one near my work with the justification that its easier for me to do pick up etc.

Smileless2012 Tue 13-Aug-19 20:43:29

I don't think Hithere knows what compromise means Namsnanny. 'All we need is love; love is all we need'. I like a bit twee now and thengrin.

Namsnanny Tue 13-Aug-19 20:29:47

Hithere….you do yourself no service when you insist you know best.

No one has the right to use bombast or finger wagging to pressurise another into seeing or doing as they wish!

Don't forget narcissists are few and far between, so most of us don't need bullying 'boundaries' enforced on us.

All we need is a little compromise.
(I was going to use the song title by the Beatles All we need is love, but I thought it sounded a little twee!! True though!grin)

Namsnanny Tue 13-Aug-19 20:12:44

I'm so happy you're feeling more positive. Hopefully your family will reap the rewards of all your hard work smile.

One thing I agree with you and Hithere about is the SiL. Her behaviour doesn't seem to be supportive of you're perspective.

She should follow your requests. Not necessarily because the baby or you will be discombobulated. Routines are often temporarily broken. But out of respect for you and your husbands requests.

With your new found confidence, maybe you can find a way to get through to her?

BTW I'd like to say how brave it was (and very encouraging), to read some of the things you said in defence of your MIL.
It would have been easy for you just not to come back and comment.
The fact that you saw fit to defend her against some of the harsher comments shows you are a compassionate young woman, who is willing to take advice and weigh up the pros and cons of a situation and then come to her own conclusions.

I wish you well, and I'm sure as you gain in confidence your family will go from strength to strength.

Madgran77 Tue 13-Aug-19 19:14:56

Noone is "trying to restrict who participates" ....but some are clearly expressing concerns about the way some participants are participating. I hope the OP is not troubled by your posts and if she is, says so, if she isn't so be it!

Smileless2012 Tue 13-Aug-19 16:38:28

No it isn't the OP's thread Hithere, the thread doesn't belong to any one poster.

I for one hope the OP does tell you if she's bothered by your posts; I know I am.

Hithere Tue 13-Aug-19 16:35:52

1. This is the internet and a public message board.
I am afraid you are not able to restrict who participates just because you do not like what you read

2. If OP is sincerely bothered by my posts, OP, please just send me a pm and I will stop posting. It is her thread, not yours.

Madgran77 Tue 13-Aug-19 16:21:50

Hithere Maternity is finding a way through showing some understanding and kindness whilst also recognising things still have to improve further re SIL etc. For goodness sake, let her deal with this the way that is right for her and with some humanity, and then if she needs to she can come back and ask advice again. Her willingness to try and find a way through, see that despite silly behaviour her MIL clearly adores her grandson etc are commendable and also she is behaving like an adult rather than a petulant "chuld" waving red flags all over place!

Smileless2012 Tue 13-Aug-19 15:52:59

Your posts are not helpful Hithere they are divisive. I feel sorry for you because rather than be happy for the OP you seem to be angry and resentful that she's beginning to build bridges with her in laws.

Maybe for you a happy ending is the destruction of this relationship. I hope that the OP disregards your posts.

Hithere Tue 13-Aug-19 15:34:39

BTW, ILs not trying to stop SIL in waking up baby from nap and giving the bottle?
Guilty by association.

ILs not apologizing for SIL breaking your parenting rules?
Even more guilty.

You gave them a chance and they blew it.

Summerlove Tue 13-Aug-19 15:05:29

MaternityLeave I think you sound so kind to your inlaws

I hope, that with the regular routine, but they can except that you are the parent and follow your rules. It only took a few times for my nice and respectful parents (who thought I was crazy) to understand why I had the rules and routines that I did. Not to be cruel, but to keep baby operating at their happiest

1 day a week is a good compromise. Please don’t let them push for more. I worry that immediately after you gave them what they wanted they disregarded your wishes