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In law issue... childcare

(387 Posts)
MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 01:10:54

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:
1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour
Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish?
In laws dote on son.

Madgran77 Sun 22-Dec-19 15:16:51

I’m confused by that statement smileless- how will being a ‘good’ DIL now do anything as far as her future relationships with an eventual CIL or grandchildren? While having a bad MIL can hopefully prepare a DIL/SIL to be more compassionate when they are the PIL, whether they are a ‘good’ ‘bad’ or ‘indifferent’ CIL to their PIL doesn’t mean anything to their future CIL.

I read the point as being that the OPs experience as a DIL/CIL will have been a learning experience for the future if/when she is a MIL. In other words, the difficulties that she has experienced with her PIL/MIL will help her to think about what sort of MIL she might be/her behaviours as a MIL and the possible perpspective of her future CIL! I have certainly learnt how NOT to be in particular roles by observing/experiencing others in those roles, as much as I have learnt the best way to be too, and my own experiences in roles have taught me about the possible perspectives of others in those roles!!

Surely we all if open minded learners in life, can learn from others and from experiences that influence our future behaviour, perpective and behaviours

OutsideDave Sun 22-Dec-19 15:03:11

I’m confused by that statement smileless- how will being a ‘good’ DIL now do anything as far as her future relationships with an eventual CIL or grandchildren? While having a bad MIL can hopefully prepare a DIL/SIL to be more compassionate when they are the PIL, whether they are a ‘good’ ‘bad’ or ‘indifferent’ CIL to their PIL doesn’t mean anything to their future CIL.

Summerlove Thu 19-Dec-19 17:15:10

Keeping you in my thoughts x

MissAdventure Thu 19-Dec-19 09:37:26

I'm so glad you found the kindest way through your issues. flowers
Wishing you and your in laws a peaceful Christmas.

Smileless2012 Thu 19-Dec-19 09:31:11

Your experience of being a wonderful DIL will indeed set you in good stead as a MIL and GP in future.

Such a difficult time for you all, I'm so sorry that your MIL's health is deteriorating. Take care of yourself as you take care of your familyflowers.

Hithere Thu 19-Dec-19 02:33:46

So sorry to hear your MIL is worse.
You are amazing at supporting everybody and taking care of LO.

Don't forget to take care of yourself as well thanks

MaternityLeave Thu 19-Dec-19 01:25:58

Things have moved on a great deal and i felt it important to update as many of you have kindly supported and advised me on this matter.
Mil is really unwell now n at best has a couple of months but this could be weeks. Family is putting on a brave face as is dh. They spend a lot of time travelling to hospital and bk. i have been a good support network (i think) by cooking meals for everyone and taking LO to make regular visits whilst managing home n work life whilst dh spends time with MIL. Without saying anything to MIL n vice versa, i feel i have made peace with the past. I think a walk through Christies is a humbling experience that the bigger picture becomes clear before i reached mils bedside.
I have seen patients around mil during visits that are not there the next visit as they have died. So sad as one lady loved opening her advent calendar but this year she didnt get to finish it. Empty beds or new faces.
That being said, i have maintained my boundaries and endured LO goes to nursery. Re the house buy which was probably my biggest grip- its still under renovation and i pray mil gets to see it completed as this meant a lot to her. So many lessons learnt. The biggest being patience and learning to set boundaries. I hope my experience of being a DIL enables me to be a good MIL n GP one day.

Ninat474 Wed 11-Dec-19 16:57:00

you should be able to make your own mind up about your life and family. Buying a house on same road because mil is ill? No way. Too late now I know, but that was your future home. Is your child going to be substitute child for childless sis and sis whose children have presumably left home? Is your husband a much younger child in that family? Why did they want to stop the marriage?
Think the cancer is being used as a lever to manipulate you/husband. Many people recover from cancer now.
For your own happiness this needs resolving so you can feel in control of your life and family

Smileless2012 Wed 11-Dec-19 16:39:16

A very difficult thing to manage Madgran and the OP appears to be doing a great job.

Madgran77 Wed 11-Dec-19 16:35:30

Although a positive relationship with a grandparent is a wonderful thing I do think that in the OPs case she is quite right to be considering options very carefully. The child is HER child (and her husbands) and on the basis of their experiences with MIL/SIL and MILs health, they need to be very careful in my view. The OP is working hard to allow a relationship that her dying MIL can enjoy, whilst trying to ensure her own relationship/experiences with her child are not compromised and that her child is experiencing positive and appropriate care

pinkquartz Wed 11-Dec-19 15:30:09

I agree Pattisew I keep meaning to mention the child and then I forget.

But it is a reason why I sometimes mention that children do deserve to have grandparents.

Mine meant so much to me and I hope that i mean a lot to my DGC's

Pattiesew Wed 11-Dec-19 14:32:17

I've come to this discussion late, and have been thinking about it a lot. The one person that's rarely mentioned is the child. The biggest question should be - what's best for them? Think about the positives that grandparents can bring to a DC's life. A DC can't be loved too much, by too many people, old and young etc, particularly family. The thought of DC being left all day in nursery when they could be spending the afternoon with their GPs who obviously love them deeply makes me sad. I'm a GM and I count my DiL as one of my closest relatives/friends.

OutsideDave Tue 10-Dec-19 02:23:47

I’ll say it’s absolutely evil to tear away a child from its mother, to usurp her, ruin memories she can’t get back, just to be able to get to have fun with the child like it’s a doll. Even if you are sick. Jerks with cancer are still jerks.

Hithere Mon 09-Dec-19 13:59:00

Her actions are not very kind and sensitive to the child and dil - being diplomatic here.

Let's agree to disagree

Good morning to all!

Smileless2012 Mon 09-Dec-19 13:57:12

Who are you to say the OP's m.i.l. is evil, you don't know her. The OP does know her and has never referred to her as being evil.

Hithere Mon 09-Dec-19 13:51:23

And no, I am not comparing this MIL, any MIL, to Hitler.

Hithere Mon 09-Dec-19 13:50:59


Hitler was evil. If he had cancer, he would still be evil.

Evil is what you do, not the status of your health

pinkquartz Mon 09-Dec-19 13:38:37

Mil doesn't need to make do. The more I htink about it the more I think that you are being manipulated and it is not right.
Time now for you to enjoy being with your DS

Your Mil has her family she is loved and looked after.
Do not keep giving into the family.
Time now for you and your.

You have done well to keep quiet for so long but you have been played and now is the time to stop.

Do not feel guilty about Mil.

pinkquartz Mon 09-Dec-19 13:32:44

I forgot to add that we are not stand ins for your Mil...

we are all very different on Gransnet

pinkquartz Mon 09-Dec-19 13:31:14

" It saddens me that grandmas and mils have such strong view and no empathy. Are we to live by your rules just because you loved and raised your children?"

OP is part of this issue cultural? Are you expected to go along with your DH 's family?

I would not be happy to feel that the in-laws were in charge of my child care but you do have a choice.
Stay at home with your Baby. If you do not want to leave him with Pil then don't.
I find the Mil sounds very manipulative. People I have known who are terminally ill don't have that much energy or good days so that puzzles me.

Smileless2012 Mon 09-Dec-19 13:25:33

shock the OP's m.i.l. is dying and the OP is doing her best to put her understandable issues and grievances with her m.i.l. to one side.

The OP's s.i.l.'s mother is dying so again, the OP is dealing with this very difficult and traumatic situation in the best way she can.

Referring to a woman who is dying from cancer as evil, especially when the OP has never referred to her in those terms is appalling.

Hithere Mon 09-Dec-19 13:14:39

So SIL can get her paws on the child.

Mil is not the only evil one in this saga

grandtanteJE65 Sun 08-Dec-19 13:01:39

Like Stella, I don't understand how a terminally ill woman or her husband are going to look after an eight month old child!

In your place, I would use this as my starting point in a discussion with my husband.

I understand very well that you have other reasons for not wanting your in-laws looking after your son, but most of them will either be hurtful to your husband or cause an argument with him or both. So start with you MILs health issues.

Madgran77 Sun 08-Dec-19 09:45:18

Yes I have read that book too. I agree it is very good Outsidedave!

OutsideDave Sat 07-Dec-19 19:06:36

There is a wonderful
Book called ‘nice
Girl syndrome’ by Beverly Engel which you might find useful in dealing with your unneeded and inappropriate guilt, OP.