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In law issue... childcare

(387 Posts)
MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 01:10:54

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:
1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour
Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish?
In laws dote on son.

Norah Sat 07-Dec-19 14:41:24

Clearly your in-laws believe emotional blackmail works, you have proved it does. You deserve a life with your children, without constant in-law interference.

Madgran77 Sat 07-Dec-19 12:52:18

02:29OutsideDave ‘Kind’ and ‘thoughtful’ to everyone but herself. You don’t have to light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

No, the OP has worked through a lot of the problems in a way that she feels she can manage. She knows herself well enough to know that she needs to avoid feeling guilty after MILs death. We may think she doesnt need to feel guilty and shouldn't but SHE knows that she will so is trying to avoid that. She took her family away, despite pressure from MIL etc; that is being kind to herself and her family and is an achievement for her in a difficult process.

NotSpaghetti Sat 07-Dec-19 06:33:31

Sorry, this seems to have come from nowhere. I have been thinking about it for some time! There was a brief discussion about chemo and visiting and being susceptible to cold etc.
It was some distance "upthread".

NotSpaghetti Sat 07-Dec-19 06:25:22

My understanding is that the chemotherapy risk is around bodily fluids for a period after the therapy.
This means that toilets need cleaning carefully (and some hospitals suggest disposable gloves for this), washing sheets hot (and not leaving in the laundry basket to be handled by others) and being alert to dangers of saliva, sneezing etc.

The biggest other issue is the handling of drugs. Some countries say to use disposable gloves for this too. I think in the UK we just say "wash hands thoroughly" and don't touch anything till you do.

So although a nuisance, if your mother-in-law has help anyway, even if she's not feeling well after treatment I would think there are plenty of adults to make things safe.
Try not to worry about that aspect of your relationship with your husband's family and concentrate on the way to negotiate the childcare problem.

Personally, if I could afford it, I would want to stay at home with my little one - but everyone is different and I know thus would drive some people mad!
Good luck.

OutsideDave Sat 07-Dec-19 02:29:11

‘Kind’ and ‘thoughtful’ to everyone but herself. You don’t have to light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your kids deserve a happy, contented mom. What ever you need to ensure they get that mom vs the internally seething mom....its up to you.

Madgran77 Mon 02-Dec-19 18:21:20

Don't be so hard on yourself. Take note Maternity Leave, Smileless is right!

Smileless2012 Mon 02-Dec-19 16:59:34

But you are being kind and thoughtful MaternityLeave because you're keeping your negative thoughts and emotions to yourself, thus enabling your m.i.l. to enjoy whatever time she has left with her GC.

Don't be so hard on yourselfflowers.

Madgran77 Sun 01-Dec-19 19:43:04

Hither Yes I agree!

Hithere Sun 01-Dec-19 18:43:36

Apologies, she doesn't need to hear anything she doesn't want to.

There are other rational, non enmeshed povs also available for her

Hithere Sun 01-Dec-19 18:40:54

OP needs to hear a non enmeshed view of her situation. A rational and non emotional point of view.

She has the power to change if she wishes.

Madgran77 Sun 01-Dec-19 18:32:11

The only needs MIl has are related to her own care, and health. Mil does not need to host birthday parties, cut cakes, or otherwise relive early motherhood. They are merely wants, and selfish ones at that.

I am unsure what you are saying to the OP here that is of any help really. She is in the middle of a difficult situation, is trying to get through it and trying to protect her own life as best she can; whether we agree or not she appears to be trying to keep in mind the cancer in how she is dealing with it all! . The OP has explained why they were arranging/hosting the party. We may not necessarily agree with how the family sorted that between them but it is a fact that they did. The OP was then genuinely shocked/hurt at losing out on cutting the cake. She asked for confirmation that her feelings about this were ok. She got clear messages about protecting this precious time with her young child as it goes so quickly. Hopefully that will help her in making wise decisions for her little family about other things as they arise,

Hithere Sun 01-Dec-19 16:19:18

Outsidedave is saying what I have been saying all along.

OP had a huge nice girl syndrome problem.

love0c Sun 01-Dec-19 16:09:17

I don't think OutsideDave is the only one either. No doubt abuse will follow but I will not be posting regarding this.

love0c Sun 01-Dec-19 16:06:13

OutsideDave I realise you have a different attitude/view to many other posters and that is fine and indeed good. A different viewpoint is needed to posters as most post on here for advice. However, could you try to deliver your view with a little compassion. People on here are suffering. Yes, it maybe through their own fault but suffering nevertheless. If someone does a silly dangerous thing and have been told it will end in them getting hurt, break a bone etc you wouldn't then not have a bit of sympathy for them, when they do break a bone, surely?

OutsideDave Sun 01-Dec-19 15:59:25

The only needs MIl has are related to her own care, and health. Mil does not need to host birthday parties, cut cakes, or otherwise relive early motherhood. They are merely wants, and selfish ones at that.

Madgran77 Sun 01-Dec-19 09:27:05

MaternityLeave if sharing your thoughts helps you to keep going through this difficult situation then do it.

You are trying to find a way through balancing your own needs against the needs of someone who is dying. That is kind and thoughtful and not "being a doormat". You rightly prioritised your own needs when you went away; nothing to feel guilty about and to be honest, most people who truly cared about their son and his family would not question it; if your PIL did, that says something about them, not you!!!

I think as you know how these people behave though you need to try to anticipate a bit more, and therefore take control of your needs with your child, as well as be ready to deal with situations as they arise.

You are not being petty ...OutsideDave is right ... these years with little children do go quickly and lots of things are special to store up as memories.

Your MILs cancer does not mean that you lose your parenting "specials". It is for you to decide what you can and cant give because of her cancer, it is not for her to just take even in her sad situation. flowers

eazybee Sun 01-Dec-19 07:50:54

My sympathies are entirely with the mother in law.
If you don't want to feel guilty, stop sharing your thoughts with the rest of the world.

OutsideDave Sun 01-Dec-19 03:38:51

You’re being a right doormat, dear. Cancer stinks, but so does losing out on getting to be mummy. Do you think when your LO is an adult and has a child of your own; you won’t feel sadness and regret as (hopefully) they get to enjoy all the milestones you sacrificed to MIL? Or will you be bitter an angry, long after Mil is gone? These years go by so very very fast, and my kiddos are still quite small....if you aren’t in the moment and enjoying every second you can, you will regret that. I couldn’t enjoy my lo’s childhoods with mil breathing down my neck and having to be on guard all the time for her trying to steal some first or ‘mom’ moment from me. She felt entitled because she’d let her mil boss her around and sacrificed her kids childhoods to her ILs/foo. Therefore it was FINALLY her turn. Your mil raised children. Her regrets are not your issue.

MaternityLeave Sun 01-Dec-19 00:55:46

Smileless- i dont feel like i am being kind etc as my negative thoughts and deep feelings of anger and resentment can consume me. It seems petty that i cant let it go. But i go and do my duty and smile through it the best i can.

MaternityLeave Sun 01-Dec-19 00:53:33

I think i would not spend a lot of time feeling guilty for disliking mil n sils. I would have probably stood my ground more but right now i try to tell myself that keeping MIL happy is more important as i dont know how long she has. Inside it is a real struggle and i probably spend 30% of my day remembering the negatives and then beating myself up for not being a big enough person to let things go. Its a mental struggle.

Smileless2012 Sat 30-Nov-19 17:05:54

Maternityleave you are being unquestionably kind, caring and supportive in extremely difficult circumstances.


Hithere Sat 30-Nov-19 12:33:26


How could you be more firm if you have your dh and ILs against you, even in the event of full health?

If you open a new thread, you might get inaccurate responses due to the lack of background and details. I understand your concern, though

MaternityLeave Sat 30-Nov-19 07:53:51

Hithere- i know this. And if she was fit as a fiddle, i could have been more tough. Perhaps dh would have also been more tough. Even now at random points ib the day i remember what she/ they have done.

Summerlove- Yes i mostly do things on my terms. But when they irritate or push things, i usually let it slide n use the whole she has cancer to try n put things into perspective.

Thank you for the replies. I prob should in the future start a new thread. I am probably giving too much identifiable information all in one place. It was just easier to reach everyone here.

Summerlove Sat 30-Nov-19 02:01:45

Cancer isn’t worse than everything. They are manipulating you.

You need to stop letting them

Visit, include them, be kind. But do it on your terms

Hithere Sat 30-Nov-19 01:35:38

Cancer is the excuse they use.

They would have hijacked your life anyway