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In law issue... childcare

(306 Posts)
MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 01:10:54

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:
1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour
Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish?
In laws dote on son.

MaternityLeave Wed 14-Aug-19 00:38:22

Hithere - i know in laws prob wont. DH may. But i do this to silence the little voice in my head.

Hithere Tue 13-Aug-19 23:16:45

Maternityleave

You are truly a gem and I hope your dh and ILs appreciate your efforts.

MaternityLeave Tue 13-Aug-19 21:39:08

Hi everyone,

Firstly Hithere i am not offended by your posts. I know you raise some valid points. I do not think that allowing in laws to care for LO one day a week will not be challenging. But from now and until i return to work (mid nov) i will leave make the effort to LO with them with a set of instructions. My next set of instructions will be written down so they are clear. If sil / mil continues to ignore me then i will challenge them. As you all probably gussed, i did not challenge sil or mil as to why they fed LO milk. I did mention to DH that i was not happy they did this as it ruins his routine. As expected DH said nothing as he didn't want to encourage me but i think this shows him what the care offer at mils will be like. So basically they are on trial between now and November. I will genuinely try to
make this work but if sil n mil ignore me and do what they please. Or get nasty when i challenge them then i will send LO to nursery and feel no guilt. If however we are able to work something out then i will send LO for a day.
Hithere- i do have a back up plan which is that if i do send LO to in laws and things turn sour, i will change nurseries and send LO to the one near my work with the justification that its easier for me to do pick up etc.

Smileless2012 Tue 13-Aug-19 20:43:29

I don't think Hithere knows what compromise means Namsnanny. 'All we need is love; love is all we need'. I like a bit twee now and thengrin.

Namsnanny Tue 13-Aug-19 20:29:47

Hithere….you do yourself no service when you insist you know best.

No one has the right to use bombast or finger wagging to pressurise another into seeing or doing as they wish!

Don't forget narcissists are few and far between, so most of us don't need bullying 'boundaries' enforced on us.

All we need is a little compromise.
(I was going to use the song title by the Beatles All we need is love, but I thought it sounded a little twee!! True though!grin)

Namsnanny Tue 13-Aug-19 20:12:44

Maternityleave…..
I'm so happy you're feeling more positive. Hopefully your family will reap the rewards of all your hard work smile.

One thing I agree with you and Hithere about is the SiL. Her behaviour doesn't seem to be supportive of you're perspective.

She should follow your requests. Not necessarily because the baby or you will be discombobulated. Routines are often temporarily broken. But out of respect for you and your husbands requests.

With your new found confidence, maybe you can find a way to get through to her?

BTW I'd like to say how brave it was (and very encouraging), to read some of the things you said in defence of your MIL.
It would have been easy for you just not to come back and comment.
The fact that you saw fit to defend her against some of the harsher comments shows you are a compassionate young woman, who is willing to take advice and weigh up the pros and cons of a situation and then come to her own conclusions.

I wish you well, and I'm sure as you gain in confidence your family will go from strength to strength.
flowers

Madgran77 Tue 13-Aug-19 19:14:56

Noone is "trying to restrict who participates" ....but some are clearly expressing concerns about the way some participants are participating. I hope the OP is not troubled by your posts and if she is, says so, if she isn't so be it!

Smileless2012 Tue 13-Aug-19 16:38:28

No it isn't the OP's thread Hithere, the thread doesn't belong to any one poster.

I for one hope the OP does tell you if she's bothered by your posts; I know I am.

Hithere Tue 13-Aug-19 16:35:52

1. This is the internet and a public message board.
I am afraid you are not able to restrict who participates just because you do not like what you read

2. If OP is sincerely bothered by my posts, OP, please just send me a pm and I will stop posting. It is her thread, not yours.

Madgran77 Tue 13-Aug-19 16:21:50

Hithere Maternity is finding a way through showing some understanding and kindness whilst also recognising things still have to improve further re SIL etc. For goodness sake, let her deal with this the way that is right for her and with some humanity, and then if she needs to she can come back and ask advice again. Her willingness to try and find a way through, see that despite silly behaviour her MIL clearly adores her grandson etc are commendable and also she is behaving like an adult rather than a petulant "chuld" waving red flags all over place!

Smileless2012 Tue 13-Aug-19 15:52:59

Your posts are not helpful Hithere they are divisive. I feel sorry for you because rather than be happy for the OP you seem to be angry and resentful that she's beginning to build bridges with her in laws.

Maybe for you a happy ending is the destruction of this relationship. I hope that the OP disregards your posts.

Hithere Tue 13-Aug-19 15:34:39

BTW, ILs not trying to stop SIL in waking up baby from nap and giving the bottle?
Guilty by association.

ILs not apologizing for SIL breaking your parenting rules?
Even more guilty.

You gave them a chance and they blew it.

Summerlove Tue 13-Aug-19 15:05:29

MaternityLeave I think you sound so kind to your inlaws

I hope, that with the regular routine, but they can except that you are the parent and follow your rules. It only took a few times for my nice and respectful parents (who thought I was crazy) to understand why I had the rules and routines that I did. Not to be cruel, but to keep baby operating at their happiest

1 day a week is a good compromise. Please don’t let them push for more. I worry that immediately after you gave them what they wanted they disregarded your wishes

Hithere Tue 13-Aug-19 14:48:50

Maternityleave,

You were able to see your ILs under a different light because:
1. You just had a 2 week break from them
2. They were nice to you: cooked dinner, did not guilt you or complained for the 2 week break
3. They decided to behave like human beings for once

Are your ILs always like that? From your posts, this is the exception, not the rule. How much longer do you think this honeymoon period will last?

Feeding your baby the bottle and ignoring your rules for nap is a huge red flag and boundary stomp. Please do not gaslight youself.

Your SIL just told you that she wants to play mommy to your baby and she doesn't care about your parenting rules. Was she even called out or reprimanded?

You and baby suffered tremendously from this. Grumpy baby, disruption of the sleep schedule, etc. Did your dh try to help you during this time and saw the impact on his son?

By allowing one day a week with them, SIL has your green light to do what she wants. Guess what? You will be doing the work to get your baby back in schedule (resentment anybody?)

Giving them rules to follow and trying a setup to facilitate following the rules won't work and you know it. They will still do what they want.

Are you doing this for MIL or SIL? SIL seems to be the most benefited from this deal, not mil.

If and only if ILs can behave consistently like this last visit with you for a long period of time AND they respect your parenting riles, then maybe a day a week is a compromise.
What are the chances that is going to happen?

At this point, you become an active participant in this drama and then it is a you problem, not ILs or dh

Think of an alternative plan when this 1 day a week fails. What are you planning to do then?

Madgran77 Tue 13-Aug-19 11:00:05

Maternity Leave Sounds good and well done!

Smileless2012 Tue 13-Aug-19 10:23:09

MaternityLeave an uplifting and wonderful postsmile.

I too commend you for the way you approached your visit at the weekend. It's a shame that your s.i.l. didn't follow your simple instructions but even so, it all sounds very positive.

Thank you for updating us and reminding us of the importance of supportive and constructive responses. Harsh and critical points of view do not help a poster who is feeling "desperate and alone" and sometimes posters don't come back when they're on the receiving end of them.

I hope that your relationship with your in laws goes from strength to strengthflowers.

Luckygirl Tue 13-Aug-19 09:14:28

It is usual for a mother to leave detailed instructions about routine when leaving their child with someone else for the first time - my DDs certainly did!

What then tends to happen is that the child develops a new routine with the grandparents - not a million miles away from the original but with minor tweaks that fit in with the household where the child is being looked after. None of my DDs have found that a problem. The child will also develop rituals that are associated with the new environment - for instance, two of my GC whom I look after regularly bounce in through the door and ask for "milky bottles" - they are far too old for them really, but love a warm bottle whilst sitting down with me (under my wing, as they put it!) for their morning book reading session - they love it. Their parents raise a rueful smile over it and laugh it off as a grandma ritual that has emerged over time.

I have to commend you on your efforts to put aside your resentment and look at some of the positives - not an easy thing to do. I hope your arrangements settle down in an amicable way.

Hithere Tue 13-Aug-19 02:11:54

Wish you the best of luck!

MaternityLeave Tue 13-Aug-19 00:28:33

Hi everyone
It has been an interesting weekend. A lot of your comments have replayed in my mind.
I went to visit mil after my two week break. I expected snide remarks for missing a visit last week. But instead i was greeted with smiles and mil n sils cooked a lovely roast dinner too. Fil bought LO presents. I guess i paid attention to the positives following everyones comments here.
I watched as an observer rather than an annoyed dil and noticed how mil seemed very weak but used all her energy to play with lo. I saw how she smiled tiredly. But how happy she was. I decided then to leave my resentment re house purchase aside.
After lunch we were going to leave with LO but i insisted to dh to leave LO for a 3/4 of hours so they can have that alone time they crave so much and we can run our errands. Now what irritated me was that i asked sil not to feed LO milk n to allow him to nap for 2 hours. He only slept for 45 mins and she fed him his milk. I know this may seem small but it just made me realise that leaving LO for childcare will mean i have no say in his care. This resulted in LO being grumpy, not having his meal and sleeping early tonight which means a 6/7am start for me instead of a 9am start. This is a one off now but will be a big issue if they cared for him in the future.
One of the posts that really stuck to me was “when you are dying, you want to spend as much time as you can with your loved ones”. So i am now thinking to allow LO to be cared for by in laws one day a week. I think this will be less disruptive than three afternoons. From now until i return to work i will look for positives at my in laws to help me to allow them to care for LO. Look for solutions e.g set up a cot and monitor to facilitate better nap times. Also a genius idea is to create a timetable which i can say the nursery follow so they must too. This could give me a greater say in what happens when i am not around. I know some of you may say i am controlling but i am trying to compromise. I just hope that between now and then we do not have a bust up which takes me back to being angry with them. Although i do worry what will happen if they do look after LO and we fall out. But i guess i will cross that bridge if that should happen.
So thank you for all your comments. One last thing, for the posters that were harsh and judgemental in an attempt to support mil, you did not. Instead it made me feel that MIL shud not get what she wants. If i did not have constructive and positive responses, i would not have visited MIL with a positive mindset and would not have arrived to this more peaceful mindset. What you post can be powerful especially when someone posts when they feel desperate and alone.

luluaugust Fri 09-Aug-19 16:28:07

I haven't had time to read all the thread but reading your original question I wonder if you shouldn't think about moving on again. I realise you have only been in the house a short time but you are being controlled by his family's wishes rather than having a married life of your own. So soon after the birth of your son you are going to have to put your foot down, stick to the 3 days nursery if you want to work and only discuss it with your husband. I know the type very well and if you give an inch they will take a mile. Good luck.

Hithere Fri 09-Aug-19 16:27:52

Sorry, not story uggh

Hithere Fri 09-Aug-19 16:27:33

Namsnanny

Story? I did not understand what you meant.

I certainly did not threaten anybody

Namsnanny Fri 09-Aug-19 15:18:42

The trick of a good relationship is sharing the differences and idiosyncrasies of two individuals coming together, and finding a compromise.

Not browbeating or silent treatment, or laying dow the law (as you see it) .
Or benevolently rewarding (husband/gparents/whoever) with a quiet life, when they happen to do as you want.
That’s just controlling behaviour in different degrees.

The op was struggling to do this (as most of us do) and was advised to create more drama and conflict in the most damaging way, just because some people have an agenda to spout - IMV obviouslysmile

Anyway she said she was taking a break. Which is I think a good thing for her and us.

Namsnanny Fri 09-Aug-19 14:56:10

Thank you smilelesssmile

Hithere...all the back peddling and slip sliding, and blaming the op or whoever doesn’t camouflage your bias, which frankly is a thinly veiled agenda.

Notanan...doesn’t matter how you couch it, or narrow the criteria of your argument, the nub is : *so long as you approve of a mans motive for saying/doing something, it’s ok!
The minute you don’t, it isnt*
That’s not team work it’s control. Soft and clever control, but controlling behaviour nonetheless.

notanan2 Fri 09-Aug-19 13:50:05

but there's no doubt as to what terminal means, surely.

We are all "terminal"
People with COPD will most likely die of it! It does not make them all "end of life"

When it suits the DH/MIL she is "dying"
When it suits the DH/MIL she is well enough to do childcare.

They will have a "prognosis"

Uncurable doesnt mean the end is imminant.

The OP is being kept in the dark so that the goal posts can be moved to suit their arguement.