In law issue... childcare

I haven't had time to read all the thread but reading your original question I wonder if you shouldn't think about moving on again. I realise you have only been in the house a short time but you are being controlled by his family's wishes rather than having a married life of your own. So soon after the birth of your son you are going to have to put your foot down, stick to the 3 days nursery if you want to work and only discuss it with your husband. I know the type very well and if you give an inch they will take a mile. Good luck.

Sorry, not story uggh

Namsnanny

Story? I did not understand what you meant.

I certainly did not threaten anybody

The trick of a good relationship is sharing the differences and idiosyncrasies of two individuals coming together, and finding a compromise.

Not browbeating or silent treatment, or laying dow the law (as you see it) .
Or benevolently rewarding (husband/gparents/whoever) with a quiet life, when they happen to do as you want.
That’s just controlling behaviour in different degrees.

The op was struggling to do this (as most of us do) and was advised to create more drama and conflict in the most damaging way, just because some people have an agenda to spout - IMV obviously

Anyway she said she was taking a break. Which is I think a good thing for her and us.

Thank you smileless

Hithere...all the back peddling and slip sliding, and blaming the op or whoever doesn’t camouflage your bias, which frankly is a thinly veiled agenda.

Notanan...doesn’t matter how you couch it, or narrow the criteria of your argument, the nub is : *so long as you approve of a mans motive for saying/doing something, it’s ok!
The minute you don’t, it isnt*
That’s not team work it’s control. Soft and clever control, but controlling behaviour nonetheless.

but there's no doubt as to what terminal means, surely.

We are all "terminal"
People with COPD will most likely die of it! It does not make them all "end of life"

When it suits the DH/MIL she is "dying"
When it suits the DH/MIL she is well enough to do childcare.

They will have a "prognosis"

Uncurable doesnt mean the end is imminant.

The OP is being kept in the dark so that the goal posts can be moved to suit their arguement.

Decisions are made on the information you do have. The prognosis is that the cancer is terminal so hardly vague. The OP may not know how much time her m.i.l. has more than likely because know one knows for certain but there's no doubt as to what terminal means, surely.

"I dont think the MILs illness is fake rather I think it sounds like they are being vague with the OP about it, the prognosis etc."

Exactly

I would like to clarify - I never questioned the cancer part of the diagnosis but had doubts about the terminal part and where OP is getting the information from

The less information you have, the least amount of decisions you can make

I dont think the MILs illness is fake rather I think it sounds like they are being vague with the OP about it, the prognosis etc.

Namsnanny

"And I suppose he would do as she said and speak to you?"

She wouldnt force him to and she wouldnt go over his head if he didnt. But she would be worried/concerned to learn that we werent working as a team and would want to encourage a resolution between us!

It's your child and of course his. However if your not happy with the situation you need to tell your husband and sign up for the nursery.you won't be happy leaving your child with someone you don't like.

I don't think the MIL is faking cancer. It's been 7 years and she's been having Chemo.

I think her being ill is a separate issue though. My Dad was terminal and I didn't get the upper hand in decision making because I had a ill parent. We was still a team.

'Go and talk to your wife about it' is normal. Surely that's what normal parents would say to their Adult child about something important that needed discussing? Because they know the final choice is with them as a team.

Not know what they both want and be well aware of what their spouses want BUT because its not what you want, try and persuade your Adult child to do what you think is best and what you want. Then the adult siding with his mum over what his wife, mother of his child, wants. It's not small either, it's a house and childcare. 2 of the biggest things that gets decided.

But there is nothing at all to even suggest that the OP's m.i.l. is pretending or creating an illness "in an attempt to get attention" agnurse, what a horrible thing to suggest.

A history of 'crying wolf' the OP's m.i.l. has terminal cancer.

It was good to see you defending your m.i.l. maternityleave and illustrates the content of some of the replies you've received, that you felt you needed to say she's neither a liar or a bad person, despite the obvious problems you're having.

Great post Namsnanny.

"Go home and speak to your partner" is the default setting for any advice.

Parents should never get involved in their AC's relationships and AC should never ask their parents to get involved.

There's a difference between reverting to a default and actively trying to create problems.

The bottom line is that the childcare is not a decision in which MIL gets to be involved. Period. She doesn't get any say, except whether or not she is willing to provide childcare. If she is willing but the answer is no, she needs to accept that.

While it is true that we don't know that the ER visits are fake, it is also true that there are people who pretend or create illness in an attempt to get attention. I once cared for a woman who got herself admitted to hospital for a minor problem (rural hospital so "social admissions" are more common) just so her children would come visit her on Mother's Day. Seriously. If MIL has a history of crying wolf, I would not be surprised if she's just being manipulative.

So notanan2.... ^If DH discussed important life/parenting decisions with his mum (which he does! Its good that he has a support system) she would naturally ask him what I had to say about it, and if he said he hadn't discussed it with me....
she would tell him to! ^

And I suppose he would do as she said and speak to you?

So following Mums advice when it suits makes a good husband, but when it doesn't he's a mommys boy!

I realise you didn't bring that demeaning phrase to the thread, I believe Hithere did.

It is a well known way of demeaning a man, and a disgusting one at that!

Hithere also said, ^puffing, screaming tantruming, and fake ER visists…..Who are you to declare that the visits are fake without any knowledge?

You and your friends vitriolic attacks and exaggerations have even encouraged Maternityleave to come back and defend her MIL!!
Now that's something. Lets look at that again.

even the op has come out and defended her MIL against the things you have accused her of!!!!!

Well done!


Maternaty …...You did say you had a standoff with your inlaws because of your SIL (sister in law?) treatment of you?
If that is true, why did

agnurse.. A sick jerk is still a jerk!
You never said a truer word,



Peonyrose, Joyfulnanna, Nanaandgrampy, MissAdventure….. great posts, Thank you, compassionate, informative, and helpful!

I look forward to updating u all on how this convo with dh goes and the end result. I hope it's a positive one for everyone. Currently on a much needed break with my LO. return back on the weekend so watch this space. Thanks to all for taking their time to share their thoughts and advice. Xx

But the thing is my mil seems to be voicing what she thinks is best. My mil knows what dh and i plan to arrange as i had a very open convo with sil.

"decisions"

Its not hard to be a decent MIL. Just be a decent human in general.

If DH discussed important life/parenting devisions with his mum (which he does! Its good that he has a support system) she would naturally ask him what I had to say about it, and if he said he hadnt discussed it with me she would tell him to!

I have a son and every day i pray i do not become a hinderance to him. That i remember how i am made to feel now and can empathise with my dil. I would hate to make my son feel torn and would like to think that i will be able to wave my son off happily and not burden him with emotional blackmail which forces him to consider my needs and cause tension in his life. I am sure this will make his wife feel secure and can only lead to better relationships all round. Sometimes i wonder what do some mils want? To drive their dils away so their son ends up divorced and they get their sons back? Does this increase access to GC? No. If their is tension in a marriage the decent thing to do is to back off. I would hate to carry the burden of adding strain to a marriage and my conduct contributing to my childs divorce.

Yes it is, sad and unnecessary.

It’s very sad when people of all ages can’t allow other relationships

Well you referred directly to my post notanan but still managed to turn my comment into something different.

I've already posted on more than one occasion on this thread that the OP's views and opinions should be taken on board by her H and that her husband making decisions without her agreement is unacceptable.

So, taking into account that I am not in agreement with the way the OP's husband has behaved, do tell how you can see "why similar labels may have been applied to (my) household".

They were applied to my relationships with my sons simply because we were close. Unfortunately Summerlove it seems that some women having married a man who is close to his mum resent it which can, as it did with our youngest, result in their estrangement from their parents.

Your DH’s mother is dying, I might consider how he is being in these circumstances and show him love and support.

Im sorry but that doesnt ring true. DH and I have supported each other through bereavements on both side, never has it meant that the other gets no say on major life choices!