In law issue... childcare

agnurse:

Here's the problem. DH is making parenting decisions with his mother.

That's not okay. She is not a third parent. She is not a party to the marriage.

If a man is not prepared to stand by his wife, and puts his mother ahead of his wife, that's not okay. He didn't marry his mother, nor did his wife.

Whether to put a child in nursery is a parenting decision, not a GP decision.

This is the problem in a nutshell. DH is expecting you to organise your family life around his mum's wishes. That's not fair on you, or on your child.

I think the problem you have is that you gave in over the house, so he thinks if he keeps up the pressure, you'll give in again. It doesn't matter how much you explain your reasons, he's not interested in what you think. You have to speak the same language as the others are doing - 'I want' rather than a negotiation.

Your DH’s mother is dying, I might consider how he is being in these circumstances and show him love and support.

We all want to marry men who are kind to their mums.

In some cases though the mil uses this to her advantage to always be number 1 in her sons life. That’s not healthy. A man who can’t make decisions without his mums input isn’t healthy (same for a woman who won’t without her families input) a married couple needs to make family choices together.

I think it's horrible when adult sons who have a close relationship with their mothers are referred too as 'mummy's boys'.

Oh please! That is NOT what is happening. This is not a normal/healthy family set up. Nobody is slagging off men who have normal close relationships with their mums.

If you dont see how abnormal/unhealthy it is for a man to act like his mother not his wife is his childs second parent... then I can see why similar labels may have been applied to your household!

He's being influenced by his mum and is going with her ideas and wants over his wife.

So he says... but I still think theres the possibility that they're HIS wants and he uses his mum to make himself look like he isnt as controlling as he actually is

This is actually the second thread I've read about men giving 'The silent treatment' when they don't get their own way.

He is acting like a Mummys boy though. You can have a great relationship with your mum without her being a 3rd party in your marriage.

He's being influenced by his mum and is going with her ideas and wants over his wife. And when he isn't getting his own way he gives his wife the silent treatment untill she caves in and he gets what he/his mum's wants.

That is controlling behaviour and it sounds like a crap marriage.

Yes, I expect a good dose of the silent treatment from his wife will sort out those issues.

It sounds as if the whole family behave like 2 year olds, to be honest.

Here's the problem. DH is making parenting decisions with his mother.

That's not okay. She is not a third parent. She is not a party to the marriage.

If a man is not prepared to stand by his wife, and puts his mother ahead of his wife, that's not okay. He didn't marry his mother, nor did his wife.

Whether to put a child in nursery is a parenting decision, not a GP decision.

OP offered 2.5 hours twice a week. Plenty of time. MIL said that wasn't good enough for her. Frankly, if I had a parent or IL who behaved that way, they wouldn't be seeing my kids period. You want to behave as if you're 2 years old, you'll be treated that way. My children don't get to be around adults who act as if they're 2 years old.

Exactly March, chemo can be given to extend life even though it's not possible to bring about a cure.

When the OP's m.i.l. was originally diagnosed 7 years ago, it may well have not been felt that her illness was terminal but sadly the treatment she was given failed to rid her of this terrible disease.

I think it's horrible when adult sons who have a close relationship with their mothers are referred too as 'mummy's boys'. That's what our ES's wife would say about our ES and our DS's ex wife said about him.

I do wonder when comments like that are made if the poster making them has their own agenda.

Yes summerlove i will try to remain chatty. But if he is reserved i will not be apologetic. I will too become reserved. It will be a tough few weeks. But i am mentally prepared. Wishful thinking is he agrees happily to childcare arrangements as previously agreed and peace is maintained in my home and more importantly my mind.

Personally I’d remain chatty, let him see how a mature adult handles conflict

Maternity leave, they way you wrote it originally made it sound like you’d give him the silent treatment if he disagreed, not that he did it to you

Mil has terminal cancer but as mentioned by some posters, chemo is used to managed the cancer but not treat it due to the nature of mils cancer.

Re silent treatment PaddyAnn i think u missed the point. When i stand my ground, DH becomes silent and reserved. Convo is on a needs must basis only. Often, i give in and make convo first. Where as this time, i will not as giving in, as this gives the impression i am wrong.

MaternityLeave, So if I’m understanding your correction properly, your husband gives you the silent treatment?

I think you are right not to cave in to his sulk, but I think what you really need is marital therapy. This will teach you how to “fight fairly” and how to make sure your wishes are heard.

It will also help you and your husband come up with ways to handle the grief and stress down to come with his mother going through more cancer treatments and her inevitable death.

When you are at therapy in that safe place, I would ask all the practical questions about how MIL would care for baby, And what his plans were for after she passes. I suspect the ultimate plan would be for his sisters to continue caring for a baby because it would make them happy when they were so very very sad.

I wouldn't call the ops husband ' a mommy's boy'.
He's torn between two strong women who he loves dearly. Trying to please his terminally ill mother and his wife knowing that one of these women will not be happy.
As I said in an earlier post, if it was me in this position I would politely thank mother-in-law for her offer in childcare but under the circumstances with her illness and having to have chemo and feeling poorly, I wouldn't dream of her looking after baby. After all by the time the op goes back to work baby will almost be a toddler and we all know at that age it's hard work and you need eyes out of the back or your head.
I think op on this thread suggested that mother-in-law would be welcome to babysit for a couple of hours early evenings for three days. To me, that should keep everyone happy. I also think MIL is trying to take on 'more than she can chew' and I think she will find that. 8 month old babies are easier to care for. Toddlers are not. Husband should also explain this to his mum.

He uses the silent treatment on you and you usually cave but this time you're not? I get ya.

So he usually ignores you when he doesn't get his own way and gives you the silent treatment?

That's not healthy, its absolutely another sign of control and it's been working if you keep caving into what he wants.

After reading your update I think it's going to get worse before it gets better.

Thanks March. Sorry your father had to go through so much

'Chemo is not just used to treat, its also used to manage cancer..'

Yes, I think what's my family member has. It manages it, where as my dad had it to pro-long the time he had left.

Saying that, a family member has Blood cancer. You'd never know. She lives a fabulous life and takes Chemo tablets and has regular check ups.

She can't be lying about Cancer if she's having Chemo and has been for 7 years!

My Dad had 2/3different types depending on his blood results/scans which had to to be done on the day of Chemo so he didnt know what type of Chemo he needed untill the day he went for it.
If one wasn't responding he would need a different one/stronger/weaker one.

There were side effects to them all and one certain dose he couldn't be around my children for about a week. Could of been steroids?

The side effects alone would put me off leaving my children with anyone having Chemo. They should be resting.

My Dad was terminal though. He didn't even live 7 months after diagnosis let alone 7 years, also seeing how quickly somone can deterote and they go down hill, fast.

Enjoy your days out with her and your weekly visits. Send your son to Nursery. God forbid, anything happens the last thing you're going to want to do is faf with Nursery places. Kid needs routine too.

Chemo is not just used to treat, its also used to manage cancer..

Maternityleave,
If she has terminal cancer, why is she getting another round of chemo?

Terminal means it cannot be cured or treated.

I am not questioning your credibility at all.
I wonder where terminal came from, as it escalates the level of severity of her health condition.
Did you hear terminal from her doctor or from mil/dh, with no further proof?

Men who are tied to mums apron-strings are often the caring type. It's time to start building bridges and being your DH best friend. He chose you and you him. Get back to basics and show him some compassion, then he'll be more likely to come round to your way of thinking. Put yourself in his shoes.

Here's the thing. This woman has been manipulating the OP and her DH for 14 YEARS.

A sick jerk is still a jerk.