In law issue... childcare

I am not questioning Op's story.

I am questioning MIL's terminal diagnosis and the sources where OP got it from because sadly, some people use medical conditions to force their agenda.
Cancer/heart attacks/other serious conditions have been faked, exaggerated or just insinuated to exist to pull back the control they lost.

Yes, he is a mommy's boy as he puts MIL first. He makes decisions with his mother, not his wife.

Major decisions as child care, how to spend family time, where to live, are taken by dh and his mother and OP is supposed to happily obey and have no input at all.
Dh and mil are treating OP as the other woman and incubator

I bet OP would happily allow her baby to have more time with mil if they had a better and more respectful relationship.

Can I just say I am very very glad that some of you are not members of my family.If you cant find it in your heart to be kind to your husbands mother when she is terminally ill then the world really has gone mad .As for giving a husband the silent treatment because you cant have your own way ...well my children grew out of that when they were under school age .Real charmers all of you !

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I know silent treatment is not the best way forward. But what am i to do if i try to reason with dh but he doesn't agree. Then the next step is to say “well this is what i am going to do” and if i am forceful he will know i will not be pressured as i have been before. So he will be reserved and when i say silent treatment what i mean is when he is reserved or silent with me, i wont cave in and make an effort. I too will maintain my silence with him as i have done nothing wrong by outtinf my foot down. Also mils diagnosis is genuine. I have seen the side effects of chemo over the past 7/8 years and she may be controlling when it comes to DH but she isn't a liar and a bad person full stop.

Harrigran..Im just reiterating the strapline on this site which says:
"Gransnet is the busiest online community for over 50s. At its heart is a discussion forum where users give each other advice and support, ..."

Smileless2012,

“If you do that, you're simply doing what you see him and your m.i.l. doing and what you understandably find unacceptable”

I think what you are missing here is that when it comes to the child OP and MIL are not equals. OP would not be doing what DH and MIL are doing because MIL is not LO’s parent and should have no say or spoken opinion on OP’s child’s care.

I agree the silent treatment isn’t the best solution, but nether is continuing to consider MILs feelings when she so clearly doesn’t consider OP’s feelings.

OP does not need to compromise with DH about his mother’s wants for her and his child. MIL’s wants are her own business. The problem is that MIL’s guilt tripping behavior changes DH’s wants from his own to his mother’s wants. He wants to avoid her inevitable punishment so he gives in and goes against OP.

For this, OP and DH (and LO) need space from MIL so they can function as an independent family unit. MIL actively fights against this.

Her diagnosis is sad, but does not give her any excuse for her behavior and interference in this young family.

Oh yes that's really going to help isn't it Hithere if the OP were to even hint that she questions her m.i.l's terminal diagnosis and why would she? I really don't know why you feel the need to question the validity of the poor woman's diagnosis.

You're even suggesting that the diagnosis came about after a period of the OP not talking to her m.i.l. and referring to the OP's husband as a "mommy's boy".

The OP's husband's mother has been told she is terminally ill. This is bound to make him less effective when it comes to dealing with her understandable desire to see as much of her GC as she can.

Of course you need to make your feelings and opinions known MaternityLeave and you deserve to have them respected but IMO you also need to take into account the sad reality of your husband's situation.

His mother is dying, he needs your support every bit as much as you need his; maybe even more. So speak to him and find a compromise. Two wrongs don't make a right and making demands and/or taking decisions that exclude him is not the way to go about it.

If you do that, you're simply doing what you see him and your m.i.l. doing and what you understandably find unacceptable.

Nice Girl Syndrome is well worth a read as Hithere says. Silent treatment doesn't really solve the problem because your husband isn't hearing properly why there is a problem and what can solve the problem .... and I suspect the same problems will just keep arising. I do think your husband has some hard choices to make.
I also think that if MIL is terminally ill then she is likely to be desperate to sustain regular contact with her grandchild ....and it sounds as if to get that she is using the same tactics as have worked for her and in her family (including with your husband) all her life. And your husband will inevitably be influenced by those tactics as the way to deal with things having been brought up with them!

Good luck, hope your conversations go as you wish...and if they dont maybe more conversations rather than silent treatment?

So you have been togethet 14 years, 50% of that time controlled by dh and MIL and your desire to make dh happy.

Do you have trustworthy proof of the terminal diagnosis? Who is your source now for her medical information?

You said your mommy's boy and you once were a united front and you didn't talk to her for months.
Was her terminal diagnosis given to her after or before this united front?

Read "nice girl syndrome", it will help you a lot.

While silent treatment is not a healthy way to deal with this mess, it clearly indicates that the OP needs a well deserved break from her drama manipulated filled life.

Silent treatment is the least of the dysfunctional behaviour displayed in this thread.
Mommy's boy and mil clearly take the cake.

OP, do not ever cave again to anything your dh wants, unless you want it too.
Your dh makes a decision with MIL and then he informs you, it is an automatic no.

I didn't say you were wrong, I just pointed out that my daughter was around her children quite safely.

Unless anyone knows the specific chemo this lady is having its quite misleading to say its unsafe.

I will agree that silent treatment to your husband is childish and counter productive. Stand your ground absolutely, but talk it out.

March, I mentioned earlier that chemo might be unsafe for children to be around and was told I was wrong. Thank you for also mentioning it.

Its just another sort of controlling behaviour

I've never bothered with sulking..silly behaviour ...better to talk!

aka sulking

I can never keep it up for longer than about an hour.

Planning to give DH 'the silent treatment' hmmm Does it work?

You just need to stand your ground OP.

You had already decided that Nursery was the best option for your child so just go with that.
Your MIL is ok at the moment but what happens if the Chemo changes and she needs another type? What happens if she's ill? When my dad had Chemo he had a certain one where he couldn't be around children.

There's so many unpredictable things that could happen.
She's got terminal cancer, she shouldn't be used as regular childcare.

Send your kid to nursery, it's paid for anyway and your MIL still gets visits.

Just a gentle reminder Joyfulnanna, this site is not just for over 50s.
There are lots of GPs that are under 50 ?

So your way Maternity of communicating with your husband is to “ give him the silent treatment “ if he doesn’t do what you want ????

And you didn’t like what your in-laws did previously so you had no contact with them for a few months ???

And you wonder why things are as they are ?

Just a gentle reminder that this site is for over 50's who are grandparents and it's being hijacked again.. The OP has been given lots of supportive messages but when the toxic comments start by those who are obviously not GP, it really irks me!

Agnurse, your post is inaccurate and unfair. The poster needs valuation for her behaviour. There is not a hint if compassion for her in laws or husband or child's feelings. Husbands parents raised and loved her husband, he loves them, his mother is ill, where is the compassion. One day her son will her son treat her the same at the end of her life. her. She is going the right way to losing her husband. I hope he stands his ground.

crazyH

They do not need manipulative boundary-stompers who can't handle the fact that their children are growing up in their lives.

I would much rather a child have a lovely adopted grandparent than a grandparent who acts as if they're younger than the grandchild.

Maternityleave,

It is crucial you and your dh go to marital therapy. He needs to understand that he is prioritizing the wrong person. Is he open to it?

As for your ILs puffing, screaming, tantruming, faking ER visits, etc. It is part of the game.
What you need is a timeout from them, to difuse the situation and prevent escalating that will burn the bridges. Is it possible for you and baby to take a break from them? It is like a scab, the more you see them, the less you heal and the more it becomes infected.

You are not responsible for ILs' and dh's hurt feelings. They do that to themselves with their unrealistic expectations

Do you communicate with your ILs? If so, stop the social secretary role. Your dh is their new point of contact, for weekend plans, holidays, text messages, everything.

Tell your daycare provider that your ILs are NOT allowed to pick up or visit your child in their facilities. If that happens, they must call you.

Would you be open to move?

Ask yourself, how much longer can you handle this weekly visits to the ILs? Ideally, what frequency and duration would you be happy with?
No need to answer, these are just questions to retake control of your life.

Your ILs need consequences for their entitlement. If they complain they are not happy with the weekly visit, reduce it in half (twice a month vs 4 times a month).
They complain again - make it once a month

If they are passive aggressive with you during the visit? Give them one warning they are to stop it. If they do it one more time, you leave their house with the baby and see them again in 3 months

Actions with consequences will hopefully reshape your relationship.

Finally, only mentally healthy and reasonable relatives are important have in your child's life.
A child can be very happy growing up without his/her grandparents.

I know in laws will feel pushed aside and try to get dh to side with them. They will look for other ways to control the situation to force access etc etc. The house buy situation happened because dh and i stood together against my SILs 8 month unreasonable behaviour towards me. They cud not handle us both standing together as a team and we reduced contact for a few months. This sent mil into overdrive, she had a crying session with dh and before u know it we have a house on the same road. Now because of past behaviour, they will push back again and there will be more to come. Sometimes i think just closing the door for good will be the only way i can salvage what sanity i have left.

Maternityleave

Take some time off to think. No need to make rush decisions.

It is very understandable you are very exhausted with this situation.

Have you talked to your dh about what rules to follow with his parents? I think that once you feel you are one team, you won't feel so tired.