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In law issue... childcare

(293 Posts)
MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 01:10:54

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:
1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour
Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish?
In laws dote on son.

newnanny Mon 21-Oct-19 01:55:37

Thank you inlaws for your kind offer but I would prefer to put x child in nursery to develop friendships with other children and social skills. You are so kind to offer but I could not allow you to look after x child when you are so ill. It would be unfair of me. I will bring x child to see you at weekends.

MaternityLeave Mon 21-Oct-19 01:48:37

Also regarding my own parents- they are supportive. They live in neighbouring town and leave us to live our lives. I visit often and my mum n dad open up their homes and happily wave us off wen we leave. No pressure to visit or guilt for lack of visits. No strings or emotional issues.

MaternityLeave Mon 21-Oct-19 01:44:40

Hi everyone,

I was surprised to see some late comments on this thread. This situation is very difficult. So many emotions to consider. I think overall it is tragic as mil is the cement that holds the family together. And her cancer is really taking its toll now and i can see the cracks emerging. They have given mil some tablets and said the chemo is not working and there is nothing more they can do.
With regards to the childcare issue it has been addressed. LO will be going to nursery. But i will ensure once or twice a month i do not arrange childcare so LO can spend time with in laws. Also i now make 2/3 visits to mils. 2 of the visits are without dh as he works long hours and his availability does not fit with LO routine. I now see mil n fil and their relationship with dh and son as something that is precious and temporary. I do my best to facilitate this. I have not forgotten my mil n sils antics. But i try and treat mil with kindness because she is very vulnerable now. I always bake her something when i go over. Its very confusing as some days i very strongly remember the pain and hurt she caused me. And other days i feel guilty for not finding a better way to deal with it and for disliking mil so much. Regarding the house buy, dh and i was most definitely on the same page. He knows this as do i. But he knows i am not happy about it and will at some point move out if i continue to feel this way.

Hithere Thu 19-Sep-19 21:24:10

A mommy's boy and family enmneshment is a horrible combination.

Fiachna50 Thu 19-Sep-19 21:11:51

Sisters-in-law should not have a say in anything that goes on between a couple. I wouldn't dream of interfering in any of my siblings marriages. The sister-in-law should keep out of it.

Hithere Thu 19-Sep-19 14:15:03

Good advice, I am afraid the ship already sailed.

The babysitting is more for sil, not so much for MIL.

Fiachna50 Thu 19-Sep-19 09:57:13

I have never brought up my children to be living near me. Personally to move that near your in-laws or even in some cases your own parents is a bad move. Ive always maintained couples need privacy,whether it be young couples or mature ones. I dont understand your husband moving near them when he knew you didnt all get on. You could have moved somewhere near them given the circumstances, but it did not have to be the same street.I understand he is having a terrible time if his Mum is ill, but you are his wife. I agree with the other poster who said grandparents are there to support, we are not the parents! What I dont understand is how on earth this lady is going to provide childcare for an 8 month old while receiving treatment for cancer. What about times she needs to go to hospital for treatment? This possibly means your child having to go here, there and everywhere. It is hardly going to be settled for him. Worst case scenario what if sadly something happens to your Mum-in-law? Then you will have more childcare issues. I hope this does not happen, but it needs to be talked about. Your husband and yourself need to consider not only the present but the future. You also need to do what is best for your child. I would sit down with your husband and discuss this but do tell him you understand how he feels about his Mum. Make it clear you are not stopping her seeing her grandchild, but tell him how you feel. Having had quite a few family members with terminal cancer, I am really quite puzzled as to how she expects to look after this child. The treatments wipe you out and can make you extremely exhausted. I also would be concerned from a safety angle as in if she fell asleep looking after the child. Im afraid I dont understand the lady's logic. I am sorry she has cancer and sorry that yourself and your husband are in this difficult situation. You need to talk to each other. This is about the best advice I can give.

Yvo12 Thu 19-Sep-19 09:16:36

Compromise? Let them look after him one afternoon each week - both they and he would benefit.

Mimidl Sun 01-Sep-19 10:39:59

Hi @maternityleave

I know I’m a month late in seeing this post and I hope you have made your mind up with regards to childcare.
I also hope you have decided to let your PIL have your son for perhaps one afternoon a week as the one thing a child really needs is love and if they dote on him then he would be happy and content being left with them.
My MIL has been terminal for 13 of my youngest’s 14 years and yet looked after her a couple of afternoons a week when I returned to work.
I didn’t necessarily like it because she is rather controlling and definitely opinionated, but she (and my late FIL) adored my daughter, so I agreed to it because she was safe and loved with them. If they have the TV on is it really a big deal? He’s 9 months old - hardly at an age where he can be corrupted by the TV. Also, grandparents are supposed to be the ones who treat their grandchildren. You know the wall plaques that say ‘If mummy says no, ask grandma’ and that sort of thing. I would let the odd chocolate button slide - it won’t make him a sugar junkie and will ease the tension if you aren’t watching everything they are doing and questioning their actions.

What you didn’t mention in any of your posts was your parents. Are they still around? Do they live close by?

With regards to the house move, I’m afraid that pregnant or not, had we chosen another house that was more practical and better suited to my family I would have told my husband to drive to his mothers. You don’t need to be in the same street to help someone when they are ill.
You said ‘Is it unreasonable for me to feel resentment especially as DH knew exactly what house we wanted but were both pressured because of mils illness.’
Was it truly a house you BOTH wanted, or one you fell in love with and had set your heart on?

I’m not talking as a MIL - I’m not one. I’m a mum trying to do her best to help someone tread the minefield that is difficult parents. I had them both by blood and by marriage, so much so that I no longer speak to my mother because of her controlling and opinionated ways (my father is wonderful).

I do think issues with your own parents are very different from in-law issues however.
You knew they were difficult before you married him - it may well have been more of a sport then - sort of ‘she doesn’t want me to have him so I’ll do my damnedest to!’, but sadly now you have ‘won’ that battle you will have a lifetime of others if you don’t stop seeing it as a competition.

He loves you both. His family obviously love your son, and I’m not sure why you say your son will be your FILs only happiness when your MIL dies. I thought your SIL had children? They must love her children too?

You’ve made your bed, both in your marriage and house choice, and now need to let the anger and resentment go and lie in it because if you don’t I’m afraid your in-laws will be seeing a lot more of your son without you around when his father has his access days.....

clementine Sat 31-Aug-19 15:27:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Callistemon Fri 30-Aug-19 20:28:20

The only instruction I remember is 'don't let DGD2 have a nap even for two minutes (this was after she dropped her day-time sleep) as she won't go to bed until about 10 pm!'.

Needless to say, she often managed to close her eyes when I was cooking her dinner!

TerriBull Fri 30-Aug-19 10:50:40

missed out - even now at 5 and 9 "I love broccoli you haven't done enough" and then next week etc.

TerriBull Fri 30-Aug-19 10:47:31

I'm casting my mind back to when we had our gc as babies. They'd be dropped off with bottles, changing bags etc. but with vague instructions as to as to sleep times and feeds. I think, they, their parents, were glad we'd agreed to have them so were happy for us to get on with it. Of course if there were any specific requests, we'd have done our best to follow those. The only comment I would make is that sleep and feeding patterns evolve quite a bit in the early years, from what I can remember. We still find eating habits change constantly, even now at 5 and nana" and then the next week it's " don't you remember I don't like broccoli, I only like sweetcorn" confused

eazybee Fri 30-Aug-19 10:27:53

I think you have made the right decision for the welfare of your baby, but I also hope that you are going to contribute to the costs, in the spirit of compromise.

TerriBull Fri 30-Aug-19 10:21:53

Still haven't read the whole thread, sorry to hear your mil is terminally ill. Others have pointed this out, but surely looking after a baby would be too much for her anyway. Although of course I understand her wanting to spend precious moments with this gc, I also completely understand you wanting to have the ultimate say so in how your baby is cared for. A difficult one! Chemo lays most people so low anyway, I have a friend who is going through that at the moment, her husband has temporarily banned visitors because he's worried about her catching any infection while her immune system is so vulnerable. Well we all know what it's like in a baby's first year as far as catching everything going whilst they are building up their own resistances.

TerriBull Fri 30-Aug-19 10:09:05

I haven't read all the thread, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, as the baby's mother the ultimate decision as to his child care must be down to you and your husband, but from your opening post, it appears that he is under much pressure from his parents which unfortunately leaves him piggy in the middle. Concerns about different approaches are also understandable, how I dislike these gps, who like to lay the law down. To be a gp one has to have been a parent and have therefore raised a child/ren. I want to scream at them "you are one step back, your role is a supporting one, stop trying to be a parent again vicariously, it's not your time anymore"

Anyway will got back and read the rest of the thread now but hope your wishes are respected OP.

Sussexborn Fri 30-Aug-19 09:58:20

It’s not easy for you DH to go against his mother’s wishes. He’s probably fallen in line his whole life until he met you. Hopefully he will realise that his own family must come first and you can relax and just enjoy your son. It’s such a special time and goes by so quickly.

Smileless2012 Fri 30-Aug-19 09:28:28

Yes, well done MaternityLeave you've managed to find and negotiate a good solution to the problems you were facing.

I hope that your in laws don't let you or themselves down and that your return to work goes wellflowers.

Madgran77 Fri 30-Aug-19 08:59:39

Hithere ...*Maternity Leave* has stuck to her guns on this one, good on her, and her husband has agreed. They have "negotiated" as couples generally do to make things work for them in their relationship...and yes, her husband may or may not repeat his views but whatever happens Maternity Leave is working her way through this in a a way that she feels proud of and a weight is off her shoulders.

Good on you Materniity Leave

Hithere Thu 29-Aug-19 21:49:43

Don't get sil mad - missing word mad

Hithere Thu 29-Aug-19 21:48:10

This is far from over.

Your dh is not listening to you, he is paying lip service. He is waiting you out. He is thinking what to do next.

You say: I need LO near me at work
He says: but costs! But......
You say: no
He says: ok then, I "agree" with you

He is not respecting your first answer. He is still on mil/fil/sil's side

Btw, sil is a packaged deal with MIL and fil. Don't get sil or you will see their enforcers and enablers (MIL dh and fil) come to her rescue.

Madgran77 Thu 29-Aug-19 08:45:15

Maternity Leave that is appropriate compromise and kindness with a good dose of commons sense! 😁

MaternityLeave Wed 28-Aug-19 22:27:20

Thanks for the reassurance re my decision.
Feeling like a weight is off my shoulders. I am glad i didn't need to argue to reach this solution.
In laws will still see their GC. I will make every effort to visit them once a week for an afternoon. If they are not difficult and things seem to get busy at weekends, i will take LO myself to see them one afternoon a week when i am off or wfh as they can look after LO whilst i do my work in another room. But if they are sneaky etc then then i will not go out of my way to facilitate the visits. I will leave it to DH to remember and make arrangements.

Madgran77 Wed 28-Aug-19 22:06:00

Goodmama good that your husband listened to you as I know that was a concern for you. What are your plans for your ILs seeing your child, if any?

GoodMama Wed 28-Aug-19 21:04:44

MaternityLeave, you tried. You went above and beyond for them. You should sleep easy knowing you gave them every chance.
Your DH can’t find fault in your efforts.
I’m glad you are making a decision that is best for you and LO. I’m sure DH will take some heat when he tells them, but it’s his family and his job to manage the message and their job to manage their feelings and expectations.
Good luck as you return to work. It’s an adjustment, too. But at least it will be made easier having this issue cleared up.