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Dependent adult daughter

(15 Posts)
GagaJo Thu 08-Aug-19 17:25:48

Bit of a backstory to my situation. Sorry!

My daughter became pregnant while living and working in Asia. I'd been there too, but had relocated to another job in Spain. The father abandoned her and she quickly developed hyperemesis gravidarum so had to leave and come to live with me. She had the baby in Spain and we all returned to the UK when the baby was 4 months old.

Fast forward a year and they're still living with me. Because she'd been working overseas, she was unable to claim much benefit and consquently, has very little income. She is resistant to getting a job, because if she does, she'll lose what little benefit she gets. In addition, I think she wants the 2 years of stay-at-home-mum time I had with her. The difference was, I had a husband when I was at home and I was also studying via evening classes.

Daughter is untidy and dirty, which necessitates me doing housework when I arrive home from a 14 hour day. I've tried to talk to her, but she's quite aggressive and it just turns into a screaming match.

I'm a teacher and I'm 54. It is VERY hard to find teaching jobs in the UK once you're over 50. I'm currently on a contract until Xmas and then... no job. I'm thinking about going overseas again, BUT daughter and grandson would have to come with me because 1) She can't survive financially / has no where to live without me and 2) I love having grandson around and don't want to never be able to see him.

I feel so pressured. I'm getting older and want to stop teaching at 60 (not retire, I don't have a teachers pension and obviously, no state pension until 67). But what chance do I have of that with this responsibility? Don't get me wrong, I LOVE and adore my grandson. But... I'm getting older. I'm tired. My job is SO demanding.

M0nica Thu 08-Aug-19 17:42:04

Currently you are enabling your daughter to live a comfortable easy life at your expense. It is clear she has no intention of changing this situation until you tell her to. So tell her firmly that she has three months to find herself her own accommodation and a job because you will be out of work and there will be no income in the household

Go overseas, DD and son will not have to come with you. Your daughter will have to sort herself out. When you get to your new job, rent a flat too small for DD to try and latch on you again.

It is amazing how well cuckoos do once they are evicted from the nest.

Lisalou Thu 08-Aug-19 17:47:22

Gagajo, hugs, this is a hard one for you. I can understand why the daughter would not want to work, it is lovely to stay home with the baby, and I was lucky enough to do it with my two older children. With the youngest it was not. Unfortunate, but that is life. We survived. If she needs to get a job, then she needs to get a job, she can't just expect you to support her eternally.

I get the benefit situation, but maybe you should point out that in Spain she would be getting no benefits at all! (I know this because I live in Spain) She would get the basic 16 weeks maternity leave IF she had been working in Spain - which was not the case.

As for your domestic situation, that is ridiculous. If she is staying home, she takes over the housework and cooking, simples. It is not negotiable. I hope she is not holding you to ransom by implying you wont see your grandson if she has to do anything she doesn't like.

Barmeyoldbat Thu 08-Aug-19 17:54:21

Yes I agree with Monica, its called tough love. I think it will be the making of your daughter if she has to stand on her own two feet. Go and enjoy yourself.

Daisymae Thu 08-Aug-19 17:58:35

You need to sit down and talk to her calmly and explain that she needs to stand in her own feet. She needs to get her housing situation sorted out and the cab would be a good place to start. No, it's not going to be easy but she needs some incentive to take responsibility for herself.

Luckygirl Thu 08-Aug-19 18:01:21

I understand your reluctance to be firm as she has the whip hand as regards contact with your GS.

I am sorry to hear that your DD is aggressive in the way she speaks to you - that is certainly not an acceptable situation for any of you.

However, I do think you should be clear with her and tell her what you expect of her in return for the "free ride" that she has with you. On my list would be all the housework, shopping and cooking. She is after all a grown adult and if she were living on her own she would have no choice but to do these things - as we all had to when we left home.

BlueBelle Thu 08-Aug-19 18:04:53

I think your sentence I love having grandson with me is maybe a clue in this story I don’t understand why you have to uproot the daughter and grandson just because you want to be on the move again
You seem to move around a lot and take the daughter everywhere you were both in Asia then you moved to Spain she became single again, so moved to Spain with you, then you moved to Uk and she came too with the baby, now you’re looking to move again and expect her and your grandson to move with you
Don’t you want to put roots down? I m sure she may get a better chance at making it all work for herself and the little chap if she had some stability
Encourage her to look for a job and a flat for themselves it’s perfectly possible a lot of us on here have done it, if she’s dirty and untidy that’s how she likes it, but you may be surprised she might be very different in her own house/flat
You really do have to stop spoon feeding her or she will never be self sufficient and you ll always be tired

crazyH Thu 08-Aug-19 18:07:27

Such a difficult position to be in. I take it you are separated from your husband (sorry if I'm wrong). You have to work to support yourself and as you say, teaching jobs are difficult to come by in the U.K. And Ofcourse, you love your daughter and grandson.
Why would she have to go with you, if you go to Spain? She can stay back here. If you don't want her to stay in your house, she could rent a place, and she will probably be entitled to Housing Benefit.
I'm sure she will be fine. Don't worry too much. Do what's best for you, and if you want to help your daughter financially, do it. But don't let her depend totally on you.
Good luck .

mcem Thu 08-Aug-19 18:15:13

Dd lived with me while she was pregnant and until baby was 6 months old. The difference is that she took over most of the housework, most of the cooking plus some shopping (paid my me).
She moved into her own flat for a year and then she and thebaby's rather found a flat together. She was supported, made a significant contribution to the home and was then ready to move on.
You are doing no-one any favours by letting her live in cloud cuckoo land.

mcem Thu 08-Aug-19 18:16:30

The baby's father !!

Nannarose Thu 08-Aug-19 18:17:36

I think you need to have a long think, and probably a good chat with someone you trust so that you can untangle what is going on.
Personally, I see a huge difference between the financial situation and the emotional one. If, for instance, she remained dependent on you, but kept the house clean (and as tidy as possible with a small child about) and cooked for you - how would you feel then?
I also wonder about her mental health, having had such a difficult time - what you are describing does not sound like normal behaviour.
If you are worried about her ability to care for her child on her own, then you need to think carefully about what you are prepared to do.
If you did give her notice to leave and stopped supporting her financially, she would be given temporary accommodation (not very nice, but it would be shelter) and could claim basic benefits. Whatever she gets now takes into account that she live with you.
I think that untangling some of this may help you to see a way forward - and are there any other relatives to help?

sodapop Thu 08-Aug-19 19:17:25

I agree with MOnica time for you to let go of the apron strings and for your daughter to become a proper mother not a child minder.
It's not going to be easy but you have to make changes GagaJo

wildswan16 Thu 08-Aug-19 19:45:28

You need to sit down and tell her straight. If she isn't going out to work, then she takes over her responsibilities in the house instead. That means ALL housework and ensuring there is an evening meal when you get home etc etc.

If she is too lazy to do that then she needs even tougher love. Many of us have grandchildren overseas and although we can miss them, it does not mean we lose touch entirely. If you want to move abroad then just do it. Your daughter will then have to stand on her own feet and that will benefit her in the long run. She can't rely on you forever.

GagaJo Thu 08-Aug-19 21:51:18

A few answers.

I've been divorced from daughters father for over 20 years.

The baby's father isnt British, or in the uk.

I'll probably move abroad because as an older teacher, it's easier to find well paid work overseas and this way, I can save a big lump sum to help me be able to give up teaching at 60.

I have a house in the UK I'll return to, but travel broadens the mind.

Daughter isn't entitled to much help from the state due to working and living overseas.

I'll be gone by either January or if not, next September, so something will have to change by then.

M0nica Thu 08-Aug-19 22:04:03

In which case the sooner your daugter gets herself a job and pays enough contributions to be entitled to state benefits, the better.