Empty nest syndrome after 20 years

I still miss my two lovely children, although I see plenty of them, they have their busy lives to live. I'm spending time over the school hols looking after my grandchildren, I feel like I've been given a second bits of the cherry (but this time I know how quickly childhood passes) so I'm enjoying every minute spent with them.

Not daft at all, Imm6. I found the daily chores associated with small children a bit brain-numbing, but really enjoyed the years when they were 10-18. Now they are all married and living away from us I do miss those family times and wonder where my life went - I don't feel that different but they have changed so much ! Caring for a difficult elderly mother is harder for me than looking after my children was - another reason I miss the old days. But they are all good at keeping in touch and visit us when they can, which is great.

Yet I have to admit that, although our GD is wonderful, we both breathed a small sigh of relief when they left after a four-day stay, as babies have so much 'stuff' these days and life gets taken over by her needs in a way I don't remember from our early parenting days, even though we had twins.

I just absolutely love being on my own for the majority of my time. I enjoy visits from the children and grandchildren but I don't miss them when they're not here. Sometimes I feel that they stay a little too long.

I like the ordinary days the best, just walking the dog or pottering in the garden, watching films, cooking, crafts and DIY. I don't often have the urge to go out exploring, but even then, alone is best.

Friends and family seem to know the minutiae of their offsprings' lives and recite them at length. They continue to live for them and are wrapped up in it all in a way that I'm not. I just feel that I've done the mother job so I'm at least semi-retired from that, completely retired from work, so it's me-time now!

My sister and mother would always ask about how the kids and grandkids were doing and all I could give was a brief outline. I'd tell them what I was currently interested in and/or doing. I'd remind them to contact the kids if they wanted further details, all easy enough with Facebook, email, texts etc. I am interested of course - I'm just not THAT interested - I'm not a repository of family news and I'm irritated if all people ever talk about is their children!

My children both live a long way from me so don't see them or even hear from them very often. I miss them but they are getting on with their busy lives, maybe one day they will remember that I am here and getting older!

Bordersgirl I have hundreds of photos, which were sitting in albums, paper wallets and boxes in total disarray and I just couldn't bring myself to sort them all out properly. I compromised by having boxes of different categories - like 'school photos', 'holidays' 'pets we have loved' and individual boxes for photos of each child. It didn't take too long, and if anyone wants to see photos of, say, a particular holiday it's not too difficult to find the box. I think our photos will become increasingly valuable as now nobody seems to have hard copies and if phones are lost or the computer crashes...
Sorry - off the subject of the original post, but it was a sad time when I realised that the tragedy of parenthood is that your dear small child disappears - still there but in a different form, and never again to be seen as the tiny, lovable innocent that you devoted so much time to raising. I missed mine very much when they left home but have got used to it now, and have lovely grandchildren.

Icanhand... I think that’s what it is, after so many years I don’t yet have a grandchild ( shock horror) what am I doing here!
So I am going to have to adjust to my own concerns now and bide my time.
It must be a wonderful breakthrough to be called nanny now.

I sometimes wish my two had never gone to uni. Selfish I know, but I think if they hadn't they'd still be living in the same town. As it is they both went to work in London after graduation and have since both moved to Surrey which is a three hour drive from here. It's been a long time now and we see them and the GC regularly, but I've never really come to terms with it.

dogsmother, I am losing my last boy who is going off to University and as I have been a parent for 35 years, I will find it very hard. However, I think it will be made easier because I am a hands on grandmother. My autistic grandson has just learned to say, "Nanny," and his parents sometimes bring him round when he starts to fret for me. In the past I only saw his parents on child minding days so now they have to pop in just to satisfy their young son means I get the pleasure of their company too. Silver linings and all that!

Both left home a few years ago. Both now married with children of their own. If anything I yearn to see the grandchildren as I can see in great detail their development. I love seeing the changes!! I was too exhausted as a mum to take it all in. ?

My OH and I have dogs and a motorhome to amuse us in the times we can’t do family catch ups. Time to get a hobby, me thinks?

My son has a lovely wife, a good life and I am very happy for him. They live just a 20 minute drive away. There are times though when I miss my little boy and I still get the pangs of separation pain when either they or we go abroad on holiday. Perhaps there will be grandchildren one day and I will be able to experience the joy of a little hand in mine again.

Consider myself very lucky. My daughter and two grandsons share a house. She works full time and long hours so am here for the boys. I love it and am very close to both grandsons. My daughter and I get on really well too. Not sure I could live with my eldest though. In fact I know couldn’t. Love her dearly but sparks would fly.
I understand not for everyone but works for us.

I miss mine, every single day. I will always miss them, but I am proud that I raised two wonderful independent women who live very successful lives.

I was just thinking yesterday how the happiest time of my life was when my daughters were small and I had my complete family. I know it wasn’t all roses ,but gloss over the mess and hard work looking after them.
Now I only have part of my family,after losing my DH in 2008.and then my younger daughter 16 months later. . My remaining DD ,SIL and 2 GCs do live near ,but I don’t see them all that often as both nurses juggling life constantly.
My younger daughter left 2/beautiful GDs ,who are now 14 and 11 . They live 300miles away ,but am actually hoping to see them again in a few weeks ,after not seeing them for just over a year. Would give anything to have my complete family back again.

Bordersgirl, like other posters we are sorting the photos into 3 piles: his, hers and ours, to show them growing up and important events. Landscapes are out, unless particularly important places. Then I shall put them into an album ( or two!) for each of them and one for us. All part of the Swedish death cleaning! We move next week, so that has prompted action.

I like CarlyD7s reply it is so true.

Bordersgirl57
I know what you mean about old photos. I selected several photos from my an old suitcase of my mother’s. I took them into a photography shop in town which made a lovely poster/collage with the computer. We then framed the poster and it hangs on my lounge wall. I’m about to do the same with a selection of my father’s old photos. The man in the shop also put them on a pen drive for us. I’m trying to downsize and just don’t have room to keep everything I would want to.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OH suffered (still does) from Empty Nest more than me. He sends texts etc. all the time although both live nearby and we see them a lot.

I can understand it must be very difficult for a single parent to wave off the last one with a smile.

Nope I don't miss them at all I bought them up to be independent I knew one day they would fly the nest and they did. When the last left 2 years ago I decorated her bedroom and it stayed tidied bliss no tantrums no arguments just peace

Completely understand and sympathise

I know what you mean. I cried when my youngest left home for university. He briefly came home and life was chaos!! He now lives 94 miles away and I see him 2 or 3 times per month. We speak on the phone weekly. My eldest two left years ago. Both married with kids now. Enjoy the peace and quiet but pat yourself on the back. They fly the nest because you gave them the best start in life. A mother's love.

It is hard. I have a daughter and three grandchildren who live in New Zealand and, luckily, a son and grandson 2 hours away in the UK who I see once a month. When I feel lonely I think of my sister. She has two sons. One is married and living in Oz and they can't have children. The other is settled in Tasmania and met his older partner too late for them to have a family. She lives 200 miles away from me, her only sister. She very rarely sees her boys and now in her late 70s it's getting even harder for her to travel and she has just been diagnosed with early on set dementia. The point being. However lonely we feel, and however reasonable this feeling is, somewhere close by there is always someone less fortunate. This realisation doesn't help on a really bad day, but somedays it can help you to shake the feeling off and keep busy. Something I love about women! The grit and courage we all possess to fly the flag, put our chins up and be grateful for what we have.

Learn to adapt to this new chapter of your life. Enjoy the freedom to do what you want to do for yourself, to give yourself pleasure. Are you now single?

Empty nest affected me when they went off to uni. DD left for uni which left a big hole then two years later twin sons went off. DD still at uni in one city, at least DSs were flat sharing in another city. It was awful. None of them came back after uni other than for a very few months between travelling and new jobs. I can feel myself 'sinking' just writing about it.

I miss my children but they have their own lives now. I loved the time when they were small but every day was busy and hard work. The hardest time was when they both left home within a few months and afterwards it took a while to adjust as the house was so quiet.