Completing the adoption story

I can understand that Margrithea but it won't change who you are now and has the potential to cause problems for others. I was adopted too, I contacted my birth mother which did not end well. I have never tried to contact my paternal relatives.

Reported

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sodapop it's the not knowing where you came from and how you came to be that's part of it. I'm very aware that it could be upsetting but I also have a nagging feeling that I want to know!

I had a similar problem as my relative was "born the wrong side of the blanket" and it took me several years to track them down and I said I was interested in the family history as had a link and played it very safe at first not saying who I was. I was testing the waters to see if they had any idea of me and my siblings. I waited until some correspondence had taken place and then with my heart in my mouth I revealed who I was. The response was really positive, no they didn't have a clue but not at all surprised and said all the male men in the family had been adulterous! Obviously I was very surprised about their response and we did finally all meet up. It was good to be accepted into the family and lots of pieces of the jigsaw were finally put together and I felt the family ghost had finally been laid to rest and I had peace about it all. But I would say their response was not the norm at all. In fact they asked why I had taken so long to get in touch and I said I hadn't wanted to cause any upset as my ........ was the other woman and theirs was the wife. I really felt closure about it all and glad I did it but everyone's circumstances are different.

I was adopted as a baby and waited until my adopted parents had died before I tried to contact my birth family. My birth mother had died and my father had died and neither had told their children of my existence. They had married other people so 2 sets of half siblings. No fairy tale ending. Neither family wanted to talk to me or contact in any way. My husband was against me trying to contact them as was worried that I would be hurt. I am glad that I did try but was very hurt by their total block. I had contacted them through the adoption agency and social worker so they knew it was bona fide. Good luck with whatever you decide but prepare yourself for a disappointment.

A few years ago I initially made contact with the wife of my late father as I discovered I had a half -sibling. Having grown up without either a father or siblings I would have loved to got to know her. Sadly I only managed to upset her mother as she knew nothing of her deceased husband’s previous relationship and it then resulted in a phone call from my half sister who was very angry and didn’t wish to meet me. We never have. I guess I approached it entirely wrong in my excitement to find her but I found this very hurtful. I hope things go better for you.

I find it strange that adoptive parents are upset at the idea of ‘birth parents’ being traced. In most cases it is only natural that their children are curious about their origins.
Sadly, my adopted daughter has zero interest in finding her original parents. I am the one who would be quite happy to contact them. I wonder if they have been hopefully waiting for her to find them, and the thought saddens me.

I used to be an adoption intermediary and strongly suggest that this is the way to go. An intermediary can contact your half siblings along the lines of “Briz thinks she may be related to the xxxxxxx family and whilst I realise it may not be your branch of the family, if you think it might be please get in touch.”
If they know of your birth they have the option of taking it further, but if not it is less likely that any harm will be done. If they are curious anyway the decision is up to them.
Good luck.

My ex husband’s DF had a bigamous marriage resulting in two boys born in between my ex and my BIL. My ex was very bitter and wanted nothing to do with them but we always knew they existed. After my FIL died contact was made by my BIL and my own DS. We are all now in Facebook contact with one of the Half Brothers and that subsidiary of his family (even me!). I think it’s worthwhile sending out cautious feelers and letting things move forward organically. In this day and age there are so many ways to communicate that can keep things safe. My exH does not connect nor does the older half brother. I found it interesting that it was the two younger boys who struck up the relationship. Good luck as you move forward.

I definitely wouldn't contact them - yet. It could open a can of worms & lead to deep distress to a woman who is possibly near the end of her life. You can't possibly know that she won't be informed. Is it really worth the risk?

In response to your question Willow10 I tested through DNA ancestry and also 23andme. You only match with relatives who have also tested and, at present, the majority of those are based in the US.
Having said that, my results demonstrated the ethnicity of my bio father so I was able to recognise easily the matches on his side. With the help of a friend I was able to identify my BF from a 2nd cousin match in New York, we shared the same GGrandparents. A long shot but true!

Had no idea I would receive so many responses, quite varied and some from fellow adoptees too.

Thank you so much for your good wishes and I’ll let you know my eventual decision.

Should also add, best wishes & good luck with what ever you choose to do Briz.

A family member traced their birth family , met with them, found out all they needed to know which helped put all the wondering & whys & wherefores to rest.
After initial visits etc, contact over time gradually died away,BUT the piece of mind for the adopted person & just knowing the origins of how they came to be, plus medical information etc.was invaluable.
I think these days more information is given to adoptees, and it is IMO a basic right for this to be so.

Briz, Please use an intermediary. It is most important that an independent person finds out a few facts. An adopted girl discovered her birth mother only to find that her birth father was married to her birth mother's sister. She caused absolute chaos and then walked away leaving a destroyed family.

If you do get in touch with your half siblings don't expect it to be like Long Lost Family which is a fluffy entertainment programme using adoptees, etc. to make money. It is probably edited and scripted. The reality may be very difficult and different. You have to be emotionally prepared for it to go either way. I have done Ancestry DNA trying to trace my father as I too was adopted in the fiftees. I haven't found him and I suppose I also have siblings but I only want to know my history I wouldn't want to meet them as like you I have never felt that I belonged in any family and would find it very difficult even to fit in with half siblings, etc.

I would love to meet my half cousin who was 'adopted' at the age of 2 when her Mum died of TB. She will be 70 next year. As to my father, I believe that I have a half brother and half sister, different Mothers that I know of. Life can be so complicated ?

Amazing that some think that Briz, who feels she has lived on the sidelines for most of her life, should step back and spend the rest of her life wondering about her early life. She probably imagines all kinds of scenarios and has as much right as anyone else to find peace of mind. She comes across as quite grounded and aware that there might not be a happy ever after ending but at least she will know that she has explored every avenue.

Briz - time is a ticking! It has taken you sometime to get to this point and I believe you should go ahead through your intermediary to make contact with your half siblings.

When you have made the initial contact you will be wiser for the information they may already hold regarding their parents marriage. (we don't even know if they were still together when he died).

Through getting to know them will decide whether their mother should know about you or not. After all you are related to them not her. I don't mean that to sound harsh. Yes, protect her feelings but that should not stop you having a relationship with your new family.

Good luck on your journey and keep us informed.

I really don't see the point in this, it has the potential to upset others and nothing much to gain. You are who you are be proud of that.

There are intermediaries who will make the first contact for you. Ask social services about this. I really think you should contact them.

This man had an affair with your mother while his wife was pregnant, then went on to have another child with her. As you don't know what kind of relationship the half siblings have had with their father over the years I think this might destroy their memories of him (if they are good memories) knowing he was a cheat! I think also, if their mother doesn't know anything about it, it could cause her so much distress in finding out that her husband had had an affair, so early into their marriage, which subsequently resulted in a child. I am sure this is not what you would want. This is a dilemma for you - think carefully of what the fall out could be before taking any action.

I don't think I would. It could turn out to be too traumatic, they probably don't know they have a half sister and I think it would be an act of kindness on your part to leave it that way.