3 times I’ve asked my son if I can visit him in Canada and 3 times he’s just put up problems

Hello Ganmaj,
I have just returned from Canada. My situation and age is very similar to yours and I walk with a crutch. I stayed in an hotel and visited/invited relatives to lunch/ supper. This worked quite well for me and I got to see and talk to those I needed to [my family have been out there since 1957] I felt that this was a last chance for me so I went for it. Do the same, hotels are good, there are motels and airbnbs available - so lots of choice. I'm sure your granddaughter would love to visit and speak with you. lots of luck and all good wishes.

Sophie56, your comment rang a bell with me:

'I am sure is a duty call and he is clearly irritated by me.'

I'm sorry to say that I found my mother extremely boring and irritating in her later years. She would insist on lengthy phone calls and tell me (in infinite detail) all about her minor health niggles, her neighbour's activities, her shopping trips etc. Interruptions were unwelcome. She'd ask, out of some residual politeness, I presume, about the family, then quickly dismiss the subject. (I'd be lucky to get a complete sentence in.) Then a return to the endless moaning about her imagined suffering and the wrongs and evils of the world.

Having been a vibrant, enthusiastic and busy liberal, she took to reading the Daily Mail, which didn't help matters either. Her world had shrunk to the mundane and she had no interest left in anything (besides herself).

I live in dread of ending up like that but can see it looming out from the future. My children ask what I'd like to do, what plans I have - and I find myself perfectly content to get a decent sleep, walk the dog and do a little gardening.

Things that I used to enjoy (and talk about) like travel, learning, celebrations, new experiences and friends now present more fear and worry than pleasure. I put them off (if I can) for some day in the future when my back injury won't restrict me, my energy levels will be good and I'll cope well. When will that magic day be?

I try really hard to be involved with my family and ask all about them. I often have the grandchildren to stay. I resist talking much about myself, yet still I dread making arrangements to travel or have days out as often they're an ordeal rather than a pleasure. I drag myself through them with a smile slapped on my face and painkillers at hand in my pocket!

If you want to go, I would go! I would say to your son, some of the stuff you’ve posted here, so he knows that there aren’t high expectations on your part. It sounds a long time since you’ve seen him...maybe he’s nervous...and of course, concerned for your welfare. Ask him if it’s ok to stay with them. If he says not really...or not for that long, maybe you can sort out some accommodation as well. Family dynamics can be complicated. I wouldn’t analyse it too much, keep it simple, and relaxed. Go.and enjoy!

Ive just heard from some friends in Germany they are planning a 'surprise' visit for my birthday ! OH NO I hate surprises ! the wife told her husband he HAD to tell me ….now I am worried what on earth I am going to do with them ! I a waiting for an urgent eye appointment at hospital that cannot be put off …...I have just moved into a retirement flat and still have boxes everywhere …………...and as yet I do not know the area that well...so please do not plan a surprise visit !!! Is there, do you know (you can look online, or on a travel agent/airline holiday website) any accommodation near to where they live, and something you could do to entertain yourself if it all goes pear shaped ? I always holiday on my own ...if there are shops nearby, places of interest you could get to easily, maybe even some tours organised by a group in their town ? I would go, but on my own and not expect anything from them …..if you arrive, and call them from your hotel ...see how the land lies ...if they want to see you and are delighted, lovely ! If they are horrified, then you know the score ...shame about not seeing the grand daughter though ...maybe you could write her a funny letter and enclose something for her ? Whatever you decide, good luck ! It could still be a once in a lifetime trip for you if you make it that way ….lots to see, places to go ….

Dear Son,

Life chuggs on.
I am not getting any younger, nor are you.
You are an ungrateful wretch who I dragged up as a best as I could on my own, giving you the best that I had to hand.
Did I complain when you decamped to the other side of the world ? Hell no! I was glad to see the back of you.

As time passes, feelings mellow, & with my advancing years as I forget, I tend to forgive. So it’d be good to see you before:

I forget who you are;
I spend all my money on me, me & then me;
Your daughter crashes her teens & leaves you behind even though she is still in the room (see how that feels, hah!);
You realise that you may still need your mother’s love;
Before I am gone.

Your only Mother x

Is prolly not the letter to send... ?.

If you do go anywhere faintly interesting or scenic, be sure to send great postcards to them as a family AND, more importantly, one directly to your GD. Works a treat...

bathroim bathroom

Definitely do not go unless you get a 'Yes, we'd love to see you'.
Just booking flights and turning up is dreadfully rude.
You have no idea what their plans are and the truth is that they might not want you there.
You need to face the fact that they have a routine and having someone else living there, albeit his mother and only for a couple of.weeks, will impact on their privacy and any plans they may have.
I certainly wouldn't just turn up on my children's doorstep or repeatedly ask to visit them.
Can you or do you keep in contact with your GD through Facetime or WhatsApp?
Maybe your son is thinking of the extra work involved with having a visitor. Meals, washing, changing bedlinen, using bathroim etc.
I hope you can accept his decision not to invite you and try to forge a stronger relationship with your GD through other channels.

Where in Canada do they live? (Which province?)

Do they visit you at all?

I am just wondering if your son and family have ever come back here for a visit since they left? If not, then they might consider doing that as a way for you all to spend time together.

Sadly, as everyone else has said ganmaj it does seem that for probably various reasons, they aren't keen on you visiting them, so it's worth suggesting they come here instead.

I'd book myself into a nearby hotel, keep the stay to 2 weeks with an open ticket in case things go well and I want to stay longer, let them know honestly that you're desperate to get to know your granddaughter and you want her to grow up at least knowing you a little as that'll be important for her memories, tell them you have no intention of interfering with their daily schedule but maybe you could just have dinner together every evening and maybe a couple of day trips....but you expect nothing, just to see your grand-daughter...then whatever is going on, it may help to lift some tension off them.

There could be many reasons that he is trying to put you off going from concern for you travelling to concern for the lifestyle they are living.

If you really want it to be a holiday of a lifetime for you I would look into a holiday possibility close enough to him but providing you with access to other things such as sightseeing trips, tours and other things you are capable of enjoying that are easily accessible.

If he knows you are doing that then it takes a bit of pressure from him and he'll likely come round to arranging to meet up, visits with grand daughter etc. Even better he may be able to take some time off to have a proper family get together.

If you expect too much you will likely be disappointed. If you can meet him half way sort of it may work out.

Good luck in your venture. Think of things from the other persons perspective. Don't raise expectations. Enjoy and you may experience your holiday of a lifetime and see your Grand daughter for the first time.

If it's what Summerlove suggested and they're worried about how they will deal with having a guest in the house, are you able to stay in a hotel? Or make it clear you're only coming for a week, or whatever other arrangement you can think of to make it less worrying for them? I am sure they don't have anything against you personally, maybe they're just a bit like I who dreads having anyone to visit for longer than 4 hours!!!

I would just write or email in a gentle way, explain the facts as they are, your feelings etc and that you just want to spend time with them, while you are still able, with no expectations of days out etc good luck ....

I would not go unless they wanted me to. Do you Skype or FaceTime now to keep in touch? These are great so you you don’t feel that you miss them as much as you can see them.

My son lives in Canada and they don’t get very much holiday, so they may not want to spend it on your visit.

Have you got another dream that you could spend the money on and know that you will fully enjoy it? If not, perhaps just visit for a week, staying at an hotel and then combine it with another week staying elsewhere in Canada. There are some beautiful places to explore.

I think they show massive lack of understanding. big hug

It is a long time that they have been there and if you haven’t seen the family in that time then the visit could be very strained. The grandchild is 10, have you met him at all ? It sounds like a really awkward situation but please don’t just book up and go, That would be really unkind and insensitive. I wish you well in this but if you haven’t met up over the years perhaps it is because your son and wife don’t want to. You won’t know until you ask and then you must accept the answer. I feel really sorry for your situation.

I’d suggest you visit but offer to stay in a hotel nearby, you can see your family but not put them to any inconvenience. It might be a workable compromise.

My mum did a Canadian tour alone, with a break in the middle to stay in a hotel and spend time with friends from her youth. She wasn't in good health, and would've been about 72 then. Don't know if that helps.

A gently worded, yet firmly stated, written letter asking how you & your family can arrange to spend time together so that your GD can get to know her Gma, & your son can spend time with his much-missed mother <hint hint> would be a good start. A letter will give them time to think things through before replying & offer you some ideas about what they’d like to do. Do you go to them? Holiday in city nearby so loads to do? They come here?

In said letter, you would affirm how good your health is, your recent change in relationship status (‘I’m now free, fit, cash ready & keen to get out & about’) & what your expectations are (e.g. hang out & relax etc). Your GD is pre-teens & primary school level so she’ll be far more interesting & biddable than a self absorbed teenager (another good reason why sooner rather than later). Maybe you’d like to see a bit of Canada & they’d like to join you for the time when you are nearer to their home base. Ask them to find out about Airbnb near them, get them involved early on in the planning stages so they help shape your trip.

Surely, there is some part of Canada they’d like to visit?

I found when visiting rellies in Australia that they had not explored the continent- & as many PPs have said, lived routine everyday lives with little venture. They were aghast at our determination to explore the wonder of Oz.

Maybe you could ‘wangle’ this as their idea that on a tour of Canada you all arrange to meet up to spend a long weekend, say Niagara Falls, as a chance to show your GD a Wonder of the World. She’s at an age when she will never forget doing this with her Gma. I’d have loved that.

I think the idea of googling where they live is a good one. If it seems to be in the middle of nowhere, you could maybe find an interesting town nearby and say that you would be happy to stay and tell them that you have seen a picture of where live so you know what to expect and maybe say something positive about it.
They may be having problems in their marriage or be having a stressful time in other ways and just not feel that they can cope with a visit.
Would it be possible for you to meet somewhere else? My mother lives in Canada and I am in the UK and one year we met in the Bahamas. It would be somewhere in Canada so not too far from them.
It might be worth mentioning that you want to visit while you are still young enough. It is a shame that they can't be open with you about their reasons but seeing where they are may make things clearer.

Ask your son to be honest with you! If he's not, book yourself a lovely holiday elsewhere perhaps with a friend !

OP when was the last time you saw your son? Have they ever been back here to visit you? I'm a bit surprised about everyone saying its stressful for them to host people, because I wonder how many more years you will be able to undertake travel like this and then that would leave you dependent on them coming over.

It seems to me to be important that you have an arrangement to visit together, even if its next year and even if you have to stay in a hotel. But first and foremost, you need to be upfront and tell him you are ready to hear whatever he has to say - make it easy for him to be truthful.

I don't think I have any advice because I haven't enough information.

If it is any comfort I have discovered that a large number of mothers with grown up sons in particular (of all ages) feel deeply hurt and rejected by them. I think many sons are so invested in their partners, jobs and children and sadly and painfully have little in common with their mother's anymore and no longer need them. My son works and lives in America and I generally only hear from him when he needs something. I am lucky to see him once a year for a day or two which I am sure is a duty call and he is clearly irritated by me. I am not able to travel (panic when enclosed). I would love to write a novel about this because it is a recurring theme that is not generally covered and I think we would all cope better if we were waned that this is actually not abnormal. We are not advised how to develop a new and totally different relationship with them that no longer entails mothering.

I would advise against going over unless you can go with a friend and stay somewhere independently, planning a holiday just for you. If you can meet up, that is a bonus but only if you can manage your expectations otherwise you might end up badly wounded.

I really feel for you and hope that you can find a way to resolve things or accept it if you can't and concentrate on looking after and nurturing yourself.

I would say life is too short - if you feel you need to go then go.

The truth is you don't know why your son is saying the things he has said. Maybe because his concerned about your health, maybe his stressed about work and his home life and maybe what his saying about being a busy family is true and his concerned you will be left on your own. Maybe he is seeing it from a negative point of view that he will have to look after you and show you the sights as well as go to work etc,,.. especially if his stressed.

But he may get alot of positives from you visiting. Unless he directly says he don't want you to come - Go book your flight. I'm sure there be day tours you could do. Listen to your heart