Gransnet forums

AIBU

Feeling hurt and confused

(93 Posts)
Deepblue Sat 28-Sep-19 16:00:36

I have one son who I’m quite close to, although we don’t live in each other’s pockets. He’s now forty and has been with his partner of the same age for about 14 years.

They both have very high flying jobs but no children.

His partner has always been a bit odd to be honest. They had a lovely little rescue dog who sadly had to be put to sleep a couple of months ago and before the dog died, she frequently said, ‘when anything happens to ‘dog’s name’, I’m off.’ I asked my son what she meant by that, as it seemed quite a nasty thing to say and he just said, ‘oh ignore her, she’s always saying that,’

Anyway, this year, I’ve increasingly noticed she’s has been more and more unpleasant towards me - although not really when my son is there.

I lost one of my dogs, a lovely retriever, just before Christmas through a tragic accident. He choked to death on a tennis ball that wedged in his throat. We’ve had retrievers for many years and my lovely husband, knowing how traumatised and upset I was, bought me a beautiful retriever puppy for Christmas.

Son’s partner visited on Boxing Day and lectured me on how wrong we are to buy pedigree pups and not to have rescue dogs - despite the fact that we’ve also had a number of rescues over the years.

She got a really important appointment in her job and when I congratulated her, she said ‘oh I’ve had enough arse licking lately.’

If I phone her, which is very rarely and only if there is a reason, she doesn’t answer my calls. If I text her, she doesn’t reply.

After their little dog died, I was very upset for them because I know how much they loved her and how heartbroken they are. As they’re both forty this year, I paid to have an oil painting of their dog done for their joint birthday, which they both said they were pleased with.

Then, and I admit stupidly, I posted some words about losing a dog on her Facebook page. It was a little poem that a friend sent to me which I just thought might comfort her a bit. Then my son phoned me to tell me that I’d really upset her and I shouldn’t have put it on her Facebook page, I apologised profusely. I tried to ring her but no answer so I texted her to say I was really sorry and never meant to hurt or upset her. She never replied.

Now I’ve noticed she’s blocked me on Facebook which, of course, is entirely up to her but why couldn’t she speak to me? If she said she’d be happier not having me on her friends list, I’d have been hurt but I’d have taken it on the chin.

To make matters worse, we’ve organised a family dinner for both of them with my husband, stepsons and their families in a month’s time and now I’m left wondering if she’s even going to come. The dinner was her idea by the way.

Over the years, we’ve occasionally arranged to meet them for a meal and then my son has arrived on his own saying she’s too busy to come.

I can’t tell my husband all this because he already thinks she’s difficult and also he hates Facebook with a vengeance and is always telling me to keep off it. With hindsight he’s probably right.

I just feel so miserable about all this. I don’t expect her to be my best friend but just to rub along on the odd times when we’re together.

What do people think?

GabriellaG54 Sun 29-Sep-19 17:03:06

ayokunmil
Yes...really.

Newatthis Sun 29-Sep-19 16:58:13

I've said this before on these chats - the better you treat someone the more they'll take advantage. Why don't you ask her straight out what have you done and mention that you have noticed she treats you differently when you son is not about. Maybe it's time to back off - it looks like she is never going to be you friend so just spend time with her when you have to but take any of this nonsense from her. Stand up and be brave!!

Lin663 Sun 29-Sep-19 16:46:17

Seriously, don’t waste a moment more worrying about this absolute bitch. Just ignore her.

Lyndiloo Sun 29-Sep-19 16:16:08

All good advice on here. The only thing I would add is, don't discuss her behaviour with your son. No need to involve him, and it might make him uncomfortable, and feel the need to support her.

Let it all go. She doesn't like you (for whatever reason) and you don't like her. That's OK - you can live with that. Don't make any advances to her whatsoever. Be polite but detached and indifferent, would be my advice.

And I am passing on the most magical response to use to any more rude comments from her. This really works superbly - you must try it! (And watch the results ... smile) Very simple and easy to remember. It's this ...

She says something rude or disagreeable ... You - looking her straight in the eyes, "What an odd thing to say." Then shut-up and end eye-contact. No explanation - nothing. There will be a silence - let it ride. Someone with you will feel obliged to fill the gap. Then resume speaking normally (and cheerfully). I have never known this to fail! And it's quite amusing to watch the reaction!

ayokunmi1 Sun 29-Sep-19 16:11:24

@GabriellaG54
Really..

ayokunmi1 Sun 29-Sep-19 16:10:27

Shes not nice polite or mannered.
Lack of respect total disrespect shes born should I say in the 80s thats a wee age to be as cunning and manipulative as this

Why bother with this sort of person .What you wouldnt do to another let it not be expected and accepted by you
If you tell your son you really have to word it well.
I dont see the point though .Wonder what will happen when grand children come along.

She isnt so carried away with your son either.

eagleswings Sun 29-Sep-19 15:35:08

Dear Deepblue
I feel so sorry for you. She sounds like a real bully. I feel so sorry for your son too. All us mother-in-laws require, is a bit of consideration and kindness and it's not too much too ask. It's time we started being a little more assertive, less apologetic and demand better behaviour from these ingrates that surround us. Start with zero tolerance, always good for focussing the mind. I loved the post re: buying her some running shoes..! You sound kind and compassionate and she really doesn't deserve you. She needs to get off her high horse before she gets saddle sores. Who does she think she is..?!!
The worm is turning sisters..

Tea and cake Sun 29-Sep-19 15:21:34

Deepblue. So sorry about your dog. How awful for you. When my beloved cat died of septicaemia after a bite I was in bits. The Blue Cross had an online bereavement service and that helped a lot. Your son's wife - least said the better!

GabriellaG54 Sun 29-Sep-19 15:17:19

You can't like everyone nor expect them to like you
She's your son's choice, not yours.
That's all there is to it, no more, no less.

LondonGranny Sun 29-Sep-19 15:16:46

I had a colleague that sounds a bit like your DiL. He bristled about everything and saw ulterior motives in the slightest thing and took umbrage at the drop of a hat. He was also very judgemental about people who did things differently to him, in both a professional and normal keep-interactions-friendly-and-pleasant-at-work context. He'd roll his eyes if someone said "Isn't it a lovely sunny morning?" when they arrived for work. Some people are just like that. I found it best just to keep things short and civil and to only interact on a strictly neccessary for work basis.
In short, it's not you, it's her.

Jishere Sun 29-Sep-19 14:59:17

For some reason daughter in laws are different with their parent in laws than their own. They have little or no respect even if you have done the most wonderful things for them. In short there is like a divide that's your Mum not mine.

Personal I wouldn't worry if she doesn't turn up that's more quality time with the ones that want to be there.

willa45 Sun 29-Sep-19 14:56:38

Your relationship with her appears to be 'rock bottom' and she's inexcusably rude to you. From your post, it appears she's neither fond of you or even respects you. Hard to expect her to change....Have you talked with your son about how badly she makes you feel?

If he doesn't say or do something on your behalf, you may have to talk to her yourself! If she's so tired of all that 'arse licking', tell her you understand perfectly. You would be sick and tired too and that is why you don't do that sort of thing. You prefer being honest and up front, especially with the people who are rude to you.

Eglantine21 Sun 29-Sep-19 13:53:30

I just wondered as she’s been touchy about it?

Deepblue Sun 29-Sep-19 13:46:34

‘Do you chat about what your son and DIL are doing when you are on Facebook with your friends?’

In answer to that, no I don’t. Our chats are nearly always ‘ I bumped into old so and so recently and she’s really well’, or about our dogs or holidays.

My friend in Sydney sends me a monthly post saying when are you coming to see me!

I never mention my family members at all.

moobox Sun 29-Sep-19 13:28:06

All too familiar! Enjoy seeing your son if you get these opportunities, and let the rest run its course. Some people choose to fall out with everyone, and you just have to let them get on with it, sadly.

Summerlove Sun 29-Sep-19 13:23:54

She sounds like some kind of feminazi drama queen

Way to fan a fire. Let’s not over dramatize. I have to wonder based on this if it’s really your sons partners who are the unpleasant ones. I wouldn’t spend time with people who said such vile things

jaylucy Sun 29-Sep-19 12:58:49

She just sounds as if something in her background has made her hard and apparently unfeeling. She has lived behind this mask for so long, that maybe the poem you posted cracked the surface.
I have a SiL that every time I see her, manages to say something to me that I find upsetting. Her latest, after I was made redundant (and nearly had a breakdown as a result of the treatment from my line manager before that,) said "Are you looking for a job or are you not going to bother?" She has also criticised my choice of pet and the fact that I eat meat (she's veggie) both to my face and behind my back.
Just came to the conclusion that people like that can only see their own side and their own personal values and that's the way they are!
I'd suggest that you just have to take her as she is - if she turns up to meals, visits your house etc just be pleasant even though you have to grit your teeth so hard that it hurts!

GillT57 Sun 29-Sep-19 12:57:36

So sorry to hear about your dog, that must have been so traumatic for you, my dog does that, runs off with her ball, and then dashes back to drop it at my feet to throw it; the thought of finding her with the ball stuck in her throat is horrific. As to your DS's partner, as many have advised, don't try to be friends with her, she does sound a very controlled person, just keep it polite as you are, and don't let her spoil your lovely relationship with your son. Your priority here is keeping your relationship with your DS and training your new puppy!

love0c Sun 29-Sep-19 12:54:13

Please be very careful when talking to your son. The reason being it will be very difficult to talk without even a hint of disapproval about your sons' partner. If he questions anything and you need to add or justify I feel he may just pick up on some disapproval and you will find yourself in a hole. I have found this out so often. I have then been accused of all sorts! The saying 'attack first is the surest form of defence'. So please be careful. You are already feeling very vulnerable and will hurt very easily.

Lolarose4 Sun 29-Sep-19 12:47:14

You sound lovely and caring . Complete over reaction to what you put on Fbook you were just being kind . Sounds like my sister in law nasty bitch .You can’t be nice to people that are like this believe me I have tried . Just ignore and don’t feel guilty you haven’t done anything wrong .

VRH1 Sun 29-Sep-19 12:46:14

I’d seriously not bother with her to be honest. I’ve got four sons and two of them don’t speak to me because they’ve got unpleasant partners. I think you’ll find there is some sort of unspoken past resentment. If you want to keep humiliating yourself with profuse apologies which won’t alter her mindset, carry on. She sounds like some kind of feminazi drama queen. Facebook always causes arguments. I personally would block her on Facebook if she’s chosen to unfriend you. Knickers to her.

sarahellenwhitney Sun 29-Sep-19 12:42:10

Talk to S, on his own of course Say how/ what you feel as you have said on GN.Let him decide for you. He knows his wife better than you.

Summerlove Sun 29-Sep-19 12:34:15

I’m sorry for the loss of your dog deepblue.

DIL sounds like a lot of work, and I think you are right to back off. I think this is largely a case of different expectations. With regards to Facebook, did she publicly mention her dogs death before you did? Some people keep Facebook to be “seen” but rarely post anything personal.

Keep being kind, and just go with the flow, you really sound like you’re doing your best x

Ellianne Sun 29-Sep-19 12:28:22

I think you almost need to separate your mixed feelings about your son's partner from your heartfelt feelings about your lovely dog. Don't waste time trying to make up with her, it's clear from what you say that you need to put your energies into remembering your retriever and grieving the loss.

Eglantine21 Sun 29-Sep-19 12:22:02

Do you chat about what your son and DIL are doing when you are on Facebook with your friends? I have been quite cross when friends have posted things about my life in their chats to people I don’t know.

Just recently I telephoned a family member to tell her of a bereavement and it was up on Facebook and I was taking phone calls before I had a chance to tell some other family and friends.
On a lesser note I’ve had pictures of my birthday party of my new house or comments on my travels posted by other people without my consent.

I’ve posted on another thread that what helps one person in bereavement can be agony for another and though you were trying to help the picture and the poem may just have made her feel worse. Please consider this might be a possibility.

I think you are just very different people. You probably both find each other difficult just because you are so different. You have a good relationship with your son. Let that be enough.