FIL again

I understand that you have already invited him so see no reason to 'uninvite' him now. That would be very rude.

He's obviously not interested in your son anyway. He's become quite self obsessed but surely your husband can supervise him when he's there? I'd suggest non-alcoholic wine/beer too!

Elderly folk can become very awkward, opinionated and trying but one day we'll all be old. Leaving him alone at Christmas is cruel.

"He might not be here next year. "

Or he could still be with you for 10 or 20 or even 30 Years to come depending on his age. Who knows?

Take care of yourself whatever else.

Dawn

Think about your child in all of this. Iv no idea how old they are but obviously are finding it very difficult to deal with diagnosis. Your FIL could cause a huge amount of upset ramming his shite opinion down your child's throat He sounds a horrible man and quite frankly I would be un-inviting him for Christmas. Your child needs your protection

I agree it has got to be your DH who deals with his father. I am sure your DH will want to protect your son as much as you do so I don't see how you can have FIL in the house this Christmas. You really have been doing your best up to now under very difficult circumstances. Maybe your DH could see him between Christmas and New Year if he feels he should. Obviously he needs help but you aren't the one to try and get him to see a Dr.

Oh dear! I can understand how difficult it is for you. On the one hand you don't like to think your FIL will be sad and lonely and his son may feel guilty if you uninvite him? May spoil his Christmas just thinking about his dad.

But...you do need to consider yourself and your son here. I think your DH needs to step up a dozen notches and speak to his dad about it. Maybe he could tell him there is no drink available in your house over Christmas? (that in itself may prompt dad to choose to stay where he is?)

As for the issue of him not recognising ASD - that seems to be common in people of a certain age t.b.h. Not many are quite so rude and I suspect as you do that the rudeness is more associated with his drunkenness. Has he always been an alcoholic or is he drinking because he is mourning the loss of his wife? If the former, then I doubt you can do anything to help. If he has got worse because of his loss then maybe, just maybe there may be a slight window of opportunity to help. As I say though - pass it onto your DH. You have enough to worry about.

Good luck

OP, you and your DH may like to consider attending Al-Anon meetings, either together or separately (as I know you have a child). Al-Anon is based on AA, but it is specifically for people who aren't alcoholics but are affected by the drinking of a loved one. From what I understand, they emphasize the three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Change it, you can't Control it. All you can do is control your response to it.

Unfortunately, if your FIL is not ready to accept help, he won't be receptive.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. Going to talk to DH tonight about cancelling Christmas. He died gave family near him but he’s not welcome there either due to his behaviour. Regarding dementia. A nurse friend suggested Alcohol induced dementia might be what us going on. When he stops drinking he is so much easier to be around. Unfortunately, that only ever lasts a week or so periodically.

I recently cut 2 toxic relationships out of my life completely. My father and my sister.
I had put up with their constant undermining, disregard and neglect for my children, sense of entitlement to my unconditional love, giving nothing in return, fair weather support, and constantly being shamed for being fat.
The last straw believe it or not, was last summer, when they separately invited them and their families to my house for a cheap summer holiday and on top of stressing me and my lovely husband out, were unkind to our beloved dog. That was it.
I never realised how much space they took up in my head and how their critical voices constantly undermined me.
Now I feel like a different person. The people in my life are beloved friends and family who I would trust to be kind to my dog, and who love me, warts and all.
I'm sorry that your FIL is grieving and drinking too much. But it's not your circus, not your clowns, you can indeed tell him he's not coming and the reasons why. It's hard and scary, and you'll feel really guilty. But over time you will feel empowered as a mother and in your own home.
You never know, he might start to make a real effort if he knows his awful behavior will not be tolerated.

Hi WorriedDIL - the crux of the matter here is that your FIL is an alcoholic. So any discussion with him is like trying to blow out a lightbulb - don't waste your breath.

You don't have to accept unacceptable behaviour. So, if he was my FIL, I wouldn't invite him for Christmas. I'd set out or explain why I have made this decision, for example to my husband that his dad's drinking stresses me out, let alone the problem with not accepting the ASD diagnosis for your son.

If your FIL wanted an explanation from you as to why he isn't invited, let him ask you, and tell the truth about the effect it has on you. It's time to talk openly, with kindness, about what his drinking is doing to the family. Otherwise, you are enabling his behaviour. You can stop enabling and still have empathy for his drinking problem.

Good luck!

My childhood was blighted by my Mum’s alcoholism. Personally I wouldn’t let him near my child. The unkind comments will stay with your son possibly for the rest of his life. Your FIL is an adult and will only be helped if he makes that choice. Your son is a child and needs your wholehearted support.

The problem is Christmas can be an awful time for those living with an alcoholic. What is likely to happen if he persists in his nasty behaviour to your son? Would he leave quietly if you told him to go or would there be an almighty scene? Would your OH have to go with him? Is it possible to have a conversation with your son and ask him how he feels about grandad’s visit?

What if the family visit grandad on Boxing Day or during the break before New Year. That might ease your conscience. If he is rude you can then just walk out and leave him to it.

Invite him at a less emotionally charged time of year.

I think it would be best if he did not come at Christmas. Get your husband to explain that your son has to be your top priority at the moment and that it is best if he does not visit this Christmas as your son and you would undoubtedly be upset by his comments. Your husband could perhaps suggest a visit sometime in the New Year.

He's lucky to have such a kind and sensitive DiL.

Not sure that even guilt would let me ruin or even jeopardize my child's Christmas.

If he comes for Christmas it’s ruined for everyone- if you cancel his invite it’s only ruined for him (possibly). No contest really.....

Can you turn it onto him? Point out that he’s far from normal and may well have dementia. He needs to get his drinking problem sorted out. Its making his dementia worse... Has he thought of getting professional help... You’re all worried about the effect his drinking is having as he can’t remember what he’s saying... And so on. Don’t talk about ASD. Refuse. Will there be many others there at Christmas? Other children? The more the merrier to deflect him.

Either that or get him so drunk he passes out!

I think the advice about giving him written information is a good idea. He can read and re-read it.

From your point of view and that of your son, he ought not to come at Christmas ideally but these things can be hard.

Is he elderly? Does he have dementia as well possibly? Delightful relations of mine became downright rude in the end but, if they could have seen themselves, they would have been horrified.

This is easy

You are the problem. Uninvite him for Christmas and your dh deals with fil.

He is an alcoholic and you are letting him damage your child. Do not let your child have any contact with fil.

I can understand why you feel difficult about withdrawing invitation. I think if I was in your position I would:
1. Avoid any discussion or trying to change his views on Autism with him by telling him very clearly that:
* it is up to him what he thinks
*you dont agree with him;
*you will not discuss again now or over xmas
2. After the above, ask him if he still wishes to come for xmas
3. If he says he does state very clearly the "rules" on his behaviour at xmas towards:
- your son
- everyone else in the house
4. Tell him specifically what will happen if he doesnt stick to rules (and if he doesnt, do not engage other than with "consequence" he has been warned about )

And do all of the above with your husband as a United front

If he is drinking to excess he shouldn't be around your child. Period. Someone who is an alcoholic is not a safe person.

The fact that he doesn’t keep well health wise and drinks too much makes me feel guilty for withdrawing offer if Christmas. He might not be here next year

I can sort of forgive your FIL for his behaviour because he is a drunk. His thinking is therefore warped and impaired. He will not remember what he said before and will probably repeat it in the future.

I honestly could not invite him into my home for a family celebration (Christmas), even if he is a family member and would be on his own. Maybe that is what he needs to sort himself out a bit.

However, he is your husband's father and the final decision must be between both of you, with your husband making it very clear on how he expects him to behave and speak to his wife and children.

Protecting your son is your first priority (as I am sure you know). Explain to your FiL that your son will always come first.

I think I would withdraw the invitation but if you feel unable to do that tell him if he makes any comments about your son's condition over Christmas he will immediately be returned home (with a food parcel if necessary).

The pig wouldn't cross my doorstep ever again. He was unkind to Your child
There would be no more phone calls, either. No contact, nothing. If your Husband wishes to keep contact with his father, that's his choice.

If it's any consolation, my late husband could put the world and everyone in it to rights and could well have become a Victor Meldrew x Alf Garnet had he lived ! Even suffering cancer he was quite selfish at times but I was more than able to put him in his place with his " poor me's " constantly.