Am I selfish taking a lover?

Wondered how long it would be before the 'N' word cropped up. Evidently the latest trend.

* harrigran* “Take a lover” does indeed sound very Mills & Boon!
This on the other hand is rather more Victoria Wood “Ballad of Barry and Freda”

www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNU5KVa_Tu8

Just do it yourself.

That way nobody gets hurt.

Kwest you know if you wanna throw labels about, which is a big of a reach in this case, it works both ways: Narcisists and emotional abusers can withold and ration communication, affection and intimacy to control and manipulate their partner.

I'm not saying this is indicated in the OP, but if youre going to bring these labels into it be careful you're not labelling the victim, particularly as Narcisists like to outwardly look like the street angel/victim so manipulate their loved ones into doing things that suit that narrative

OMG just bloody get on with or not, we don’t really care !!

Look up the meaning of narcissist.
Imagine being the wife on whom you intend to wreck this havoc. How does it feel?
Are you still comfortable with your proposed actions?

@eebeew, I think someone is writing a "bodice ripper" and is looking for ideas, seeing how others react to extra-marital affairs.
If you were really going to have an affair would you broadcast it to the whole of the world on the internet. This is effectively what the OP has done as it is a public forum.

Having a lover may improve your sex life and your self esteem, although the sex might not be as good as the sex in your imagination, and if it is casual arrangement you may not feel any more loved. But it will almost certainly increase your dissatisfaction with your husband whether it is kept secret or not. If your husband becomes aware of your affair then that will not help improve your relationship and he may divorce you for your infidelity. Is it possible that the new man in your life represents a transition towards eventual separation and escape from an unhappy marriage? If so, take care as married lovers in casual affairs rarely leave their wives..

I once had this dilemma many years ago, decided that I couldn't live with the guilt and my responsibilities towards others were too great at the time, so I didn't have the affair, but the decision not to was an incredibly difficult one. Had I not had responsibilities towards my children at the time, I probably would have had the affair, as the magnetic attraction was almost overwhelming. I did eventually leave my husband many years later, but not because of anyone else. Ironically I think my husband found that harder to come to terms with rather than if had I left him years earlier for somebody else, as he had no one else to blame for the breakdown of the marriage.
Whatever you decide there may be unforeseen consequences.

Hard to believe this is genuine as who would ask a bunch of strangers for advice on such a matter!?

O.H told me that I could find someone else.
He has been unwell and not interested in physical love.
I told him that I wasn't interested and feel I would never be.
Why kick someone who is down.
I do love him, maybe we have a brother and sister relationship. From the experience of friends and family who have had a partner who went with another man/woman the hurt takes a long time to go and sometimes never.
Children, even if adult, will have opinions and may resent you.
While everyone has different situations , think hard about this.

'I am not planning on falling in love with this other man'.

You say you want to have this affair for the intimacy/closeness/conversation as well as the sex ... so you probably would fall for him!

I think you are kidding yourself. You do not sound like the kind of person who can have detatched convenient sex and compartmentalise a physical affair. You want an emotional relationship with this man too

I agree with Iam too.

Tigertooth I've known quite a few women who've said the same thing. May I ask you something? How would you feel if it was just sex at first but, over the years, he fell in love with someone and actually left you?

MawB - No, it isn't exactly Brief Encounter.

GrannyOrNanny - someone named June (can't recall her exact name) said she'd left her husband for someone and he'd left his wife but it had all ended in tears when he returned to his wife.

It's up to you but I'd think carefully about the repercussions.

Wound up rosecarmel?
Moi?
I think it is hilarious that OP with her “high sex drive” is contemplating assignations with her “lover” one afternoon a fortnight !
It’s not exactly Brief Encounter is it?

I third it, iam.

I agree Iam.

Do you have adult children, grandchildren, brothers, sisters or elderly parents.
If this is a genuine post, you seem to be envisaging uncomplicated jolly sex and companionship one afternoon a fortnight and no harm done

I'm amazed any older woman can believe such nonsense

Quote,'I am not planning on falling in love with this other man'. Can this be guaranteed?Unless you are so devoid of feelings having previously experienced no strings sex what guarantee do you have that at some stage this arrangement of casual sex will not develop into something far stronger that sees you and this man leaving your partners for each other.?

I wish my DH would descreetly go elsewhere and leave me alone - he’s nearly 60 and still up for it 2yimes a week. I can’t stand it. I’d quite happily turn a blind eye if it were just sex and I got left alone. Seriously, I’d love to be celibate, I’m 54 - just not interested.

@Junesun...oh we’ve talked at length and for years.....nothing changes....stays exactly the same.

I’m sorry to hear you fell for the other man. I have no intention of leaving mine whatsoever.

@notanan...I miss both sex and intimacy. When I talk with the other man I get the intimacy then in what we chat about, etc. He is a very kind man and I like him very much. I believe we have the potential to make one another very happy....be it one afternoon every fortnight. I would feel happier having these feelings as opposed to not.

I guess we are all different at the end of the day.

I understand you. But I really advise you to try with your husband and not do this . I fell in love with a married man who left his wife for me . I left my husband. We both felt unappreciated . 8 months down the line he has gone back to his wife . I have cried and cried over this man. So I am now in a difficult position and by myself in a rented flat share . How I wish I'd have spoken to my husband about our issues.

@sparkly...no I’d never consider doing this. Not my thing at all.

Bluebell I completely missed that point about the proposed guy being married..

In that case I feel very sorry for all the people she is going to hurt to secure her own happiness. Selfish? Absolutely! (As someone else pointed out there are single people out there.)

Sorry if that sounds harsh but she clearly has no sense of 'sisterhood'. I'm sure others will disagree with me but there you go.

The OP cannot be responsible for making her OH behave affectionately towards her.

And witholding affection and intimacy is a betrayal of sorts in itself. And has nothing to do with "sex" drive!

People can work around missmatched SEX drives, if the affection and intimacy is there. But if its not, the person withdrawing from that side of the relationship is creating that distance regardless of whether or not the other partner finds it elsewhere